The Hills: No means YES. (or, What happened to Bulimia?)

I locked her in the car.

I know this season was hard to get through, but we did it! We did it together! And somewhere along the way, lost some shitty characters like Bulimia, Troll and Holly. Ah well, better luck next season, bitches! This episode, Kristin says no to Justin then yes. Broahday says yes to Fetal Alcohol and then no. HBUD and Spencer say yes to a baby and then no to right now. Stacies says no to cultural irrelevance but then says yes. Blah says no to nobody and goes shopping, defeated!

Wow, the last motherfucking episode of the Hills..just when you thought you had enough fake eyelashes and odd facial hair. Gaahhh!

We start off this SEASON FINALE with a typical scene: no, not Spencer berating HBUD while she shamlessly coddles Enzo. No, not Justin Bobby giving a sideways glance with pubey-hair.

Oh, it’s STACIE, Gross-ass Stacie, squatting at Kristin’s and eating her food.

tough break, Stace face.

Kristin bitches about vacations aren’t like real life. REALLY? That’s why they call it a vacation. But on that note, your real life is definitely more of a vacation, so who the fuck is complaining? Oh wait, I am.

Stacie says give Justin Bobby a chance, even though Kristin doesn’t want to get hurt. Yeah, give the ol’ JB a shot. No literally, shoot him. That way, he can be vague in the afterlife, where nobody gives a shit. Or do they. Christians, what say you?

At the Spencer Sperm Despensery, Broahday and Spencer are shooting hoops and taking about making babies on the down low. You know, just normal guy stuff, right? Then, they jack each other off! Just kidding. That’s be too overtly gay for MTV, wouldn’t it. Save it for the DVDS. That’s what I say.

Apparently, this is also the fucked up hair episode.

Broahday says no fucking snaggle-eyed bitch is gonna tell HIM what to do. After all, he’s the son of world-class athlete Bruce Jenner and the catwoman/Elvis’ last stand. So, boo-ya.

A SPERM dunk?

Scene change.

Behold, an eagle.

At Catherine Malandrino, Boy George McBlah Dead and Troll go shopping for…I don’t know? Whatever circus freaks shop for.

Souls?

Goooodddd…of COURSE Blah Dead is going to see Justin, one LAST TIME for the 40 THOUSANTH TIME. And, it’s a quick scene, just to…get that out and watch girls acting ridiculous, if you can call these twats-on-a-stick girls.

At the beach, Kristin and Justin Bobby sit around looking pretty…and Kristin gives Justin the ‘ol heave ho. But you know, with a lot of “likes,” and “whatevers” inserted into the mix.

And, early-morning binge drinking.

Kristin keeps this talk going and what…is Justin…actually….sort of affected by what she’s saying? What? Wait, maybe not. He might just be picking his nose. I can’t really tell. Plus, it’s windy.

Inner turmoil, or just checking out his own douchey tattoo?

Justin mumbles something and leaves. But hey! Not without his drink and stealing second-rate Ikea decorations on Kristin’s Malibu pad. Class!

At Enzo’s house, Enzo and Spencer are…what? Playing video games? AGAIN, where is this kid’s PARENT? PARENTS? Someone should get arrested for this, but I’m not sure who.

HBUD gets home from a busy day at work.

I bought Mahnolos and Bruchetta.

Spencer is proud to say he’s beating the shit outta the kid in…whatever weird racing game they’re playing.

Geez, HBUD is looking especially….HBUD

…for the porn star in all of us.

Then they passive agressively fight for a while in front of the kid. If Enzo wasn’t so damned precocious, he might get fucked in the head from this.

Or already is?

Spence goes all chicken shit when HBUD recommends they stop fighting and act like adults. What? Am I hearing her right? last episode, she was all gaga for no birth control, and now she wants to act like an adult? At least Spencer denies that anything’s wrong. Phew, adult reactions averted.

Um, in a weird, victorian part of LA, sleazy T/Taylor is…getting engaged. Presumably to a child bride, from the looks of things.

Engaged to Dakota Fanning: A new movie from Lifetime

In a snarky woman-corner, Dakota Fanning hopes that her engagement to that douchey friend will speed up fetal alcohol’s relationship with Broahday. Uh, I guess. Isn’t everyone between the ages of like 24 and….eleven (I’m looking at you, Dakota)? What’s the fucking deal?

Meanwhile, Broahday seems thrilled to be “full-on” back with Fetal.

Mmm, booze.

At Kristin’s pad, someone new has really taken over the torch where bulimia left off. And when I say that, I mean the coveted “concerny-face.” Thanks, Stacie. At least you’re good for something.

Or, maybe she just forgot her sunglasses?

Kristin tells Stacie she called it quits with the old motorcycling italian douchebaggicio.

Kristin talks about how she’s scared to get hurt, probably because her parents got divorced, and she doesn’t want any relationship of hers to lead to that. Ugh, again, let me remind you: with the exception of Dakota Fanning, keep in mind that we’re all like, 23 years old here.

Back at the child bride wine n’ dine, wait- ew!

please don’t slip Dakota the tongue.

Fetal won’t shut up about living with Broahday. Man, can’t the cameras, like, cut to…a dove or a shark or something. Looking at Fetal is like looking at a magic eye. It seems fun to look at, but in the end I just get frustrated and hurl.

At…the pier? Classy….justin is looking like Crybaby. Seems appropriate, no?

What a badass. Yawn.

Justin Bobby says he never meant to hurt Blahdrina when she comes to meet him. Wait, is that Blah Dead, or a random Pier-hooker? Outlook unsure.

My bad- Pier “call girl”

Blah tries to get the last word in, but then gets trumped by…facts? I guess they were never together? Although I do agree with her when she said Justin was a shellfish. Kidding! I’m hilarious. I mean, he’s a fucking shellfish, shellfish degenerate. She leaves, wishing Justin the best. Ew, how mature.

Now, for the interrogation we’ve all been waiting for: Spencer and HBud’s baby talk.

Spencer says he found a pregnancy text. HBUD says okay. Gargg! That broad won’t break!

Where were you- the night of….I dunno.

But I was waiting for fighting and what? Spencer talking about how he was wrong about never getting married and wrong about not wanting kids? I feel like i’m in the twilight zone. Like, a really really boring one.

Or maybe the one with the pig people?

In another twist of fate. Broahday tells his Broahs in the Broah house that he’s what? Done with Jayde? Yeah, right. You guys are gonna break up, throw some drinks on each other, and have gross make up sex and someone gets jizz in their eyeball again. Dude, I know how this works.

You see, Broahdays done some growin up. He sees that there are other fish in the sea. He’s gained some perspective on his life, you know?

….I love you, Broahday.

Oh wait, Broahday may still have feeings for Kristin. Sorry, Gremlin. Maybe next season.

As Kristin fake-packs her Malibu home, guess who shows up? The old JB. Yep, no shit.

You see, he’s been thinking. What? Yeah, I know. He wants Kristin. Yeah, no shit. And she wants him. Yup. And they need to trust each other. Okay. And do it 100% check. God, why am I so fucking bored?

Oh wait, now I’m disgusted.

And that’s that. Thanks for watching and, sorry.

PEACE!