Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
This week on The Hills, The Monchichi uses the words “production” “ordeal” hassle” and “distraction” to describe his upcoming wedding, Heidi’s robot brain short circuits temporarily, and Whitney goes on a date with a lawn dart.
Over eggs and pancakes, Heidi hopefully asks the Monchichi to set a date for the wedding. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! He tells her, “Let’s elope to Cabooo!”, like he’s saying, “Let’s order shotttts!” Heidi’s a little annoyed with his lack of enthusiasm until she realizes that this might be the perfect opportunity to…THINK ON HER OWN. She suggests making all the decisions and letting him spend the time leading up to the wedding on his Mac working on his Wikipedia page and making prank calls to Kathy Conrad. Sounds good to him. There’s a tiny flicker behind Heidi’s eyes as her brain starts to boot up.
Up in the gym just workin on their fitness are LC, Deadrina, and Whitney. Oh no! There’s Jarett, that trainer who’s name reminds me of a cross between “jerk” and “lawn dart.”: “JART.” Lauren and Dead decide to go to Big Wang’s tonight, a sports bar they go to when they don’t feel like going out. Big Wang’s is frequented by guys who take acting classes but still don’t have agents and girls who get so drunk that when they throw up in the bathroom it gets all over the wall. A place to meet your soul mate, when you don’t want to go out. Whit, air-punching like a gay man loving modern dance, invites Jart to go with them.
Cutest ass kicking face ever.
LC judges Whitney over smoothies. Whitney’s all like “What? I don’t care! I don’t have expectations! Honestly!” Deadrina and LC exchange looks about what a tool Jart is, but being the good friends that they are, they don’t mention it to Whitney. Let her have her fun. “Look at you! You’re excited!” Lauren condescends. How many episodes has it been since LC pretended to fuck Super Brody? Time for a tune-up.
Speidi go church shopping for their wedding. The church Heidi wants is humongous, and I can’t help but imagine the 20 undernourished actors who answered the craigslist extras ad huddling in the first two pews. Pastor Martha Campbell, who, unfortunately, doesn’t have a hilarious speech impediment (“Mawwaige! Mawwaige is what bwings us togeva todaaeee!” ) tells the kids that they require marriage counseling before the ceremony. The Monchichi, who is wearing a shirt that says “Respect Your Mother” with a picture of the Earth on it, doesn’t see the need for that. Heidi smiles and smiles, while the Monchichi clenches his jaw and contemplates bombing the church. There’s a lot of churches in LA, little monkey. I think you’re going to have to see Heidi’s dad again whether you like it or not.
Pre-Wangs, the girls get ready at the Hillside Villas. Lauren tries to remind Whitney they’re just going to a sports bar, but her friend hasn’t been out in while and chooses to wear a sparkly cocktail dress that looks like lingerie with her renaissance faire moccasins. Oh no, not your moccasins! Beerbarf stains soft leather! While she gets dressed, LC snoops through her purse, disappointed with the under-abundance of makeup. Dead accuses her of snooping in that “what else is in there?” kind of a way and Whit comes out wearing her glittery pink dress. They make her twirl, like it’s her first night at Jumbo’s Clown Room.
Rapunzel Does Dallas
The girls toast to Big Wang’s and Whitney says it’s her “new favorite place.” Seriously, Whit. It’s the Ground Round/Bennigan’s/Pizza Hut of LA. The place bloooooows. While they wait for their food, Jart and Whitney play awkward first date pool. She giggles and makes the cutest faces ever while he poses with his pool stick and gives her sexy eye. Then, in a quick staccato that sounds like a verbal strobe light, he asks her what she’s doing this weekend. Giggle giggle nothing! He offers to take her on the most romantic date in the world: a free training session at Runyon Canyon that will really kick her ass. For me? You shouldn’t have! Actually, she answers “when? I’ll do it as soon as possible!” Way to play hard to get, Whit.
The next morning, the two of them meet at Runyon and walk up the mountain. When they get to the top, they take in the stunning view of the city together and whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears. Nope! Even more romantic! He makes her do jumping jacks and then air punches. Whitney looks like she’s starring in Perfect, lots of hip action, little impact. Once she’s passed the fitness test, he asks her on a date later that night. She says she’s too tired to exercise any more and he says no, a real date. “We’ll grab a couple drinks!” Whitney agrees and limps back down the canyon smiling, not even a little miffed that she won’t at least be getting dinner after being shlepped up a mountain.
Over at The Palace of Grasping at Crumbling Delusions, Heidi flips through bridal magazines. She tells the Monchichi she’s definitely wearing a crown for the nuptials because when she makes the biggest mistake of her life she wants to feel imperial. The Monchichi wants to know where one buys bridal magazines. The store is called “Throw Your Life Away While Wearing a Big White Dress,” responds Heidi, happily. The Monchichi tosses the magazines at her playfully, saying he never wanted to get married. Heidi giggles while pointing out that they can get china with their names on it. The spaghetti and meatballs will taste so much better served on plates engraved with “Idiot and Fuckface, May 18, 2008.”
I can hear the ocean!
Time for a quickie in the officecloset. Whitney is wearing a vest that looks like a refurbished legwarmer. She tells LC that Jart asked her out. “He hearts you!” says Lauren. Then she gives her a Tender Moments figurine of an angel sitting on a heart-shaped cloud. Whitney isn’t sure of his feelings, so she’s just not going to think about it. What she does know is that first dates can be uncomfortable. Especially when you’ve got shin splints.
Let’s test that theory. They arrive at La Cantina, repeating each other’s sentiments that it is a wonderful night. When their drinks arrive, Jart says “cheers” and tells her she is dressed well. Whitney thanks him, because she never knows what to wear to Hollywood unless she’s dancing. Jart takes it personally and says he should have taken her dancing, and she soothes him by saying maybe in a couple hours, if she regains feeling in her legs. He toasts to her pain and says “Cheers” for the second time. Whitney laughs and starts talking about something when Jart interrupts her to ask her sign. She’s a Pisces, but doesn’t know anything about signs. He does, however, know how to make conversation that goes nowhere. Impressive.
How bout that weather?
Whitney tries the old “What’s your dream” line of questioning and Jart verbally strobes through an explanation about being a New Yorker and having more than one husltle. He never says what the other one is, because he can’t stop talking about how seriously he takes personal training. She tries to nod and smile but her neck is too sore. Then he reveals he just got out of a relationship so he wants to have fun. Whitney says same here. She doesn’t want to be attached to anyone. Jart says that’s the reason he asked her out tonight, because “they are two single people having fun.” My favorite things to have in common with someone: being single and having fun. He toasts her a third time “cheers to that.”
Over at the Chateau of Attempting to Regain Control Through Denial and Manipulation, the Monchichi has packed some bags for a surprise wedding trip to Vegas that night. I wonder what he picked for Heidi to wear at the chapel. A blindfold and a gag? He doesn’t see why they should have to get married in a church with distractions like friends and family present. Like a ghost reentering a body, Heidi stands up for herself. Take away my friends. Take away my ability to dress myself. Take away your support for a promotion you pressured me to get. But don’t take away my dreams of glassware! Don’t take away the profiteroles at the reception! Don’t take away my crown and my father walking me down the aisle! She ends her rebellious monologue with “this isn’t Spencer’s relationship, where you decide what we do.” She symbolically removes her tinfoil ring and places it on the coffee table before him. The Monchichi makes a little duck out of it like they do in fancy restaurants, thinking, “That’s the worst 250 dollars I ever spent! I hope Heidi’s robot brain comes with a warrantee, too!” He picks up his suspiciously light suitcase and leaves.
Even more curious than the weight of the suitcase is the fact that Heidi is at work the next morning. What a short honeymoon the Monchichi planned! New Kimberly wanders into her office for this week’s Play-by-Play scene. Heidi tells her about the fight, finishing with the fact that she can’t believe he left. I mean, he’s always been so mature and understanding! He’s always handled conflict so well! How unexpected!
Things are more fun over at the M Cafe, where Whitney fills LC in on the date with Jart. She says she felt comfortable with him, but she got more of a “friend” vibe. LC wants to know what he was wearing, especially the shoes. Whitney wrinkles her nose and says she didn’t like them. “They were too 21st century for me,” she explains. There was no kissing, but Whitney asks LC for advice as to how to handle it when you don’t want to be kissed. “You just go to the side, ” says LC, “or, you say you hate everything they like so they don’t have enough confidence to even try.” Whitney thinks that sounds awkward, but LC says if you do it right, it isn’t awkward, it’s just annihilating.
Back at The Mansion of We’ve Gone Too Far To Gracefully Escape, Heidi prepares dinner in an evening gown just in case her man comes home. Good call! Here he comes bearing roses! The Monchichi barely apologizes, saying he didn’t know what a big “ordeal” the wedding was to Heidi as he pricks her neck with a tranquilizer. It takes effect quickly, and Heidi can’t describe how the fight made her feel anymore. The Monchichi wraps the tinfoil back around her finger and they kiss and make up. The end.
I can hear the ocean!