The Hills: Psycho Therapy

This week on The Hills, a lot of important groundwork was laid for later plot developments (because of tonight, we know that Lauren’s gonna have to fire her dipshit new intern and Blahdrina is TOTES gonna hook up with Broday), plus Spencer and Heidi hone their old-married-couple shtick by going even further than fighting all the time and never having sex anymore: they go to couples therapy.

We open at a dive bar, where LC and Blahdrina (rocking the “idiot beat poet” look in a darling black turtleneck) are boozing it up and reminiscing about the good old days when they’d come there to troll for men. As though the inheritance and international fame weren’t bait enough. LC notifies Blahdrina that there’s a cute boy over yonder, but when Blah sneaks a peek, LC rolls her eyes, moaning, “don’t look don’t look!” Yeah, easy to be subtle when you’re followed around by a DP and line producers.

Blahdrina announces that she’s on the prowl, which can only mean trouble for the world’s homeless population, but that she’s excited about it. Sure. LC says, “You seem happeeeee, that’s goooood,” in her usual wistful way that signals pity for the lonely singleton. Blah asks LC to send over any single guys she might like. By “single guys” she means Broday. And by “might like” she means “totally do, and probably without a condom.”

After the intro, the title of the episode is revealed as “Crazy In Love,” and I’m racking my brain to try to figure out who the hell they could possibly be talking about on this show. LC is notoriously dried up, or at least pretends to be; Blahdrina just announced the grand opening of her vagina with 20% off coupons; Spencer and Heidi loathe each other so much that each can’t give the other the satisfaction of breaking up; and Stephanie… well, I don’t think a gossipy text signals a reunion with Camwrong. Ummmm Kelly Cutrone? Please God?

At People’s Revolution, LC asks Stephanie for the Style Number of a garment she’s folding. Steph gives her a “I’m trying really hard not to sigh in boredom” glare, then asks, “Sooooo, is this, like, what you do all the time?” Uh, work? Yeah. Steph feigns enthusiasm by widening her eyes when LC describes assisting stylists and running errands. Honestly, I’m not even joking on that part, that’s verbatim.

Then the reign of terror begins. From afar we hear Kelly Cutthroat’s shrill, demanding voice uttering Stephanie’s name. She enters the room, reprimanding Steph for treating a box like a garbage. She storms around the work area, snapping at Stephanie and dumping out the box of clothes that Quack-adoodle just folded. Poor Stephanie can only stare in silence, unable to defend herself as logic and bravery do not run in her genes.

Of course, everything Cutthroat says, although bitchy, makes complete sense. After her tirade, Stephanie meekly makes an organizational suggestion, on which Cutthroat cautiously compliments her. “I am watching you, Stephanie Pratt,” Cutthroat says wickedly before storming off in a whirlwind of evil, which generally consists of black confetti and sulfuric fog. It’s kind of awesome, actually. LC turns to head back to her desk and Stephanie whispers desperately, “Where are you going??” LC glares. “Back to work?…” Oooh, zing!

Hey, did you know that Heidi is still working at Bolthouse? Me neither. Evidently there’s still some lighting equipment lingering so they’ve decided to shoot a confrontation scene there for this week. Spencer calls Heidi from the parking lot and identifies himself as her “favorite stalker.” Yet another sign of their healthy relationship. She emerges like an angel of obnoxiousness and asks standoffishly, “Can I help you?” “You can lose the attitude,” Spencer replies. Thanks, Dad. For some unknown reason, Heidi brought her gigantic purse along, even though we all know they’re just going to be sitting in the car in the parking lot, site of so many useless confrontations.

Spencer says he really doesn’t want to feel, at 25, that he can’t go out with his friends and have drinks with other girls. Well, honey, there’s a very simple solution to that. Cheat on your wife, just not on NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Heidi accuses him of seeing Stacie The Bartender behind her back, to which Spencer’s only defense is, “She’s not my type. I’m into blondes.” And spineless idiots. Heidi brings up the therapist suggestion again and Spencer begins to refuse, but Heidi cuts him off with a firm pussywhip.

At Coco De Ville, the blondettes and their Blah arrive and meet up with Broday and his new chick, Jayde, who looks exactly like one of those reporter chicks in the first “Batman” movie who were taken over by the Joker and had their faces frozen into a grotesque smile. She and Broday make out furiously in front of the cameras, then Brody shouts to Frankie Delgado about going to Hawaii in a week. Naturally, LC is pissed?

Not sure why she has to be consulted on all vacation plans, but Broday promises her that next time she’s invited… this is a dicks-only trip. Across the bar, Pigpen is hanging out with some skinheads and guys who loosely resemble Charlie Captain Doucheface. I guess they all sorta run in the same circles. LC tries to warn Blahdrina, who takes the mature approach and throws things at his head until he notices her. Pigpen, fully restored to his hobo glory, responds in kind by coming over to their table, embracing her and insulting her ability to hug. “Don’t pat me. Who pats anymore, you know?” he says. Uh, no. We don’t know. I will never defend Blahdrina, but that’s somehow both mean and stupid at the same time. But if anybody could pull off that combo, it’s Pigpen.

Brody comes over to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation and to inform Blahdrina that she is beautiful. She isn’t, really, she just wears a lot of makeup and has fake boobs, but maybe because she’s tried so hard for such an obvious goal that we should tell her that anyway. There is some fake drama created with the use of covered mouths and overdubbed voices to let us know that Jayde should be wary of Blahdrina and her un-Jokered mouth, so that eventually when they make out in front of Blah, even though she looks happy we should think she’s just hiding a festering, heartbreaking affection for Brody.

Some other day at the Blahteau, Stephanie has inexplicably come around to raid Blah’s fridge, even though they’ve never actually been friends before. Perhaps they bonded at all of those aftershows. Stephanie says she’s not thirsty, just hungry. “Mmmm, PICKLES,” she gushes. Yeah, they’re totally nutritious and full of nothing but the makings of bad breath! Blahdrina suggests this craving may be due to possible pregnancy.

“So I hear Pigpen’s acting weird,” Stephanie says. Wow, word really gets around in Hollywood. Blahdrina relays the story of their bizarre encounter and concludes that, like, she loves him, but she doesn’t know if she’s IN love with him. I love it when people say this because clearly the only thing separating the two states is a hymen. Or at least the space where a hymen used to be.

True to form, Stephanie suggests Blahdrina talk to him one more time because maybe they’ll end up friends and then “everything gets worked out.” Except for the fact that Blahdrina can’t be in the same room with him without wanting to screw him. That’s a slight hiccup in a friendship. Sometimes.

At some other club some other night, Broday is tickling Jayde while she squeals like a greased pig that’s just been caught. Blahdrina, sitting across the table from them, says hello and Jayde giggles, “He grabbed my boob… so I grabbed his junkhahaha!”

Miffed by her own lack of genital playtime, Blahdrina looks on with supposed envy. Broday greets Stephanie with warmth, a kiss on the cheek even, which is kinda odd since he hates her. I guess hate and love is all the same in Hollywood, right? Since everyone who hates each other can’t seem to tear themselves away, and everyone who is supposed to love each other do nothing but fight? What a kooky town.

Speaking of kooky, Broday gets a genius idea to call Spencer. In the quiet hacienda of passive aggression, Heidi pretends to toddle around in the kitchen while Spencer answers the phone and wearily tells Brody he can’t come to Hawaii because…. he’s in Vegas. Huh? Why would he lie about something so trivial, so stupid, especially when his voice totally betrays his isolation and utter desperation?

With no LC around and Broday pouring his full douchitude onto Jayde, Blahdrina has to choose between talking to Stephanie and one of Bro’s bros.

Sleazy-T (lord how I wish I’d thought of that nickname… I’m guessing his real name’s Todd) discusses Blahdrina’s on-again/off-again liaison with Pigpen, and I shout to Blahdrina through my TV not to listen to him, he’s probably friends with Dino. I can’t imagine why any guy would talk to a girl at a club about relationships unless he was trying to get into her pants. Brody calls the jerk in question over to their table. Pigpen, who looks like he’s gained about twenty pounds and at least a dime bag, twitches, whiffs at his nose and leaps over some sofas to join the crew of slovenly men and overly groomed ladies.

Brody, ever the matchmaker, questions Pigpen’s emotional investment in the relationship by shouting, “You and Blahrina, what?” I’m happy to know that the brevity of text-speak has made it to the level of vocal conversation. Brody tells a bald-faced lie in claiming that Blahdrina has said she’s still madly in love with Pigpen, just as she’s telling Sleazy-Todd that he’ll never win her back. Pigpen bobs up and down in his chair frenetically, chewing gum and smoking cigarettes (at the same time!), and finally breaks through his emotional brick wall by mussing up his hair, then turning around and mussing Blahdrina’s hair. I’m guessing this is known as a sign of affection in the ape world. Something about sharing each other’s natural body oils. However, something tells me Blah and her 2-hour hairstyling session don’t appreciate the sentiment.

He leans over and, with classic Pigpen clarity of soul, asks Blahdrina, “Do you know how short this life is?” Too short to be wasting it on crack pipes and whiny rich girls, I’m guessing. Blahdrina doesn’t feel like hearing the answer, though, and asks, “Are you serious? Is this a joke?” I like it when she gets annoyed – she almost seems smart.

She complains that he never makes her feel special (this feels like a repeat of the Heidi/Jordan breakup… if she compares herself to a princess I’m outta here). He says he doesn’t want it to be like that. She says it is, and that whenever she tries to tell him, he makes her seem crazy. “Well, you are crazy,” he smirks. Heheh, I kinda love it when the asshole says something funny enough to make me not hate him for a nanosecond. Especially since the retort from whatever batty broad with whom they’re arguing is never, ever equally punchy. For example, in this situation Blahdrina comes back with, “Crazy in love with someone who doesn’t care about me!” Ooooh you got him where it hurts! In his… sympathy cortex? No, he’s missing that one. I’m sorry, this comeback just makes you look even more pathetic. Next, please.

Oddly enough, Stephanie takes her aside and hisses, “Don’t talk to him! Oh my God, Blahdrina!” As though it was never her suggestion to end the relationship as friends. Shortly after the commercial break…

At PR, the telephone is ringing as LC stares at Stephanie, who is lost in a reverie.

LC prods her to answer the phone, so Stephanie pauses, picks it up, makes a face and hangs up. “I think I just hung up on someone,” she theorizes. Hmmm, what gave it away? I don’t think much evidence is required in this case. That someone (probably Whitney prank calling from DVF) calls back and LC takes care of it while Stephanie watches with deep concentration, squinting her eyes to evoke at least the illusion of neurons firing. I sometimes wonder how people like this make it through life.

They have a very politely snippy conversation about whether Stephanie logged in some sample items, Excel vs. FileMaker, and other office bullshit we all got to avoid having to watch when Whitney was around. Who knew LC actually worked? Here I thought she just sat around all day and talked about how she felt or didn’t feel about Stephen Colletti coming to visit. Anyway, LC chastises Steph in the most justified, gentle way I’ve ever seen. Yet Steph cowers and pouts like a puppy who’s being hit with a rolled-up newspaper, doodling to avoid LC’s eyes – which just makes LC even more frustrated. Did Stephanie count last season on this show as her previous “internship” or what? “If Kelly were having this conversation with you,” Lauren warns, “she would be saying. ‘Screw up again, and you’re fired.’” I’m surprised they never used that as a cutaway in the previews.

Sooooo…. Spencer and Heidi go see Dr. Jordana something something, Therapist. I’m wondering if this woman is a “doctor” in the same way that the woman who presided over the courthouse marriage scene was a “judge.” The star-crossed lovers enter her office like a J. Crew-clad couple from Connecticut on the verge of divorce on account of his philandering with his secretary and her games of naughty patty-cake with the pool boy. Just think, all that messiness could be avoided by BREAKING UP. What are they so afraid of? I know, the ratings, blah blah blah, but I think the show would actually be more interesting if they were exes. We could watch Heidi find her soul again at the bottom of some gutter, next to Pigpen’s crack pipe. But I digress. They’re at the therapist’s. Bad news. She’s blonde.

She wants to know what their damage is, so Heidi launches into the Stacie The Bartender story like she’s at Bolthouse with Kimberly or something. Why is she talking about this one little thing and not three years of emotional abuse, isolation and periodic episodes of breaking up and making up? Nobody goes to therapy because her dude hit on a bartender. Dr. Blondie knows as much too, trying her best to be patient and attentive while the two of them bicker about the technicalities of Mexican marriage and the definition of loyalty. But Dr. Blondie’s head twitches with annoyance and soon enough her eyes glaze over with boredom and the realization that this is ten minutes of her life she’s never getting back… just like everyone else who listens to these two morons talk.

She insists that the two of them face each other and express how they feel. Spencer, grinning sarcastically from ear to ear, explains that he feels like he’s in a nightmare. Heidi flips out and uses this opportunity to rant in that whiny Montag voice about him being there but not THERE there.

She says she feels like he’s checked out in an emotional stripper hotel (wait, how is that right? But I am pretty sure that’s what she said), to which the therapist asks, “Then what are you doing with him?” Would a real therapist actually say that? Isn’t a couples therapist supposed to keep them together?

Moving on. The final scene of the night is at a restaurant where Lo, Lau, and Blah dine and chat about the boys and their upcoming trip to Hawaii. LC speculates that they’re going because Broday’s been spending so much time with his new chick that he just needs time with the boys, which Lo agrees is kewt. Lau compares Bro to a “ball of love,” which perks Blah right up. She enthusiastically seconds that emotion, adding, “Yah he’s sooo good-looking and positive and happy and you catch each other’s eye and you, like, FEEL that attraction.” I’m not sure that’s what LC meant by “ball of love.”

Yet after that shocker moment, the girls actually giggle about how Blah’s gonna hook up with Mr. Jenner. I give this about three seconds before LC flies into a jealous rage and does something crazy, like throwing out all of Blah’s eyeliner. Blah suggests that, since they haven’t been on a vacation together in, like, four whole weeks, they should just go to Hawaii on their own. At the same time as the boys. Because this will end well.

Tune in next week (naw, just read the recap) to find out who gets lei’d. Oh I couldn’t help myself . Until next time… xoxOSnapp