This week on The Hills, we find once again that things are different in Hollywood. “Evolve” is another word for “I’d like to fuck you without having to take you home from a party” and “loyalty” is another word for “you’re dead to me if you have fun with people I don’t like.” Staff meetings begin with vicious gossip sessions, and if you ever say the wrong thing, just say the immediate opposite thing right after and no one will notice. But one thing is true all over the world: it feels glorious when the one who cast you out becomes the outcast.
And looks more hideous with each passing lonely week.
PTL! Looks like our brave girl made it home all right from The Malibu! She and Deadrina eat a homemade dinner seated at the table. When the tv crew isn’t there, they just microwave Lean Cuisines and eat them standing up over the sink, so they’re both kinda pissed they’ll have to pretend to do dishes tonight.
Deadrina thinks she “overreacted” about Bustin leaving her at the party. LC reaches across the table and slaps her. She points out it’s been over two years with the same pattern, so love it or leave it. Dead fixes the corpse stare on LC, refusing, as usual, to accept the truth about Bustin. I can’t wait to hear her complain some more about it later on, since we know from the previews she goes out on a date with him. Compelling TV, Deadrina. Pitch a new story line to the editors.
You pretend to wash and I’ll pretend to dry.
Although the girls are surprised Speidi didn’t show up at the barbecue, it’s good because when they hear about it later they’ll be SO JEALOUS! I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when Speidi finds out that it’s not just LC anymore who finds them unbearable, it’s everyone.
We don’t have to wait long for the fall out, because impeccably professional Brent Bolthouse begins his staff meeting with a game of telephone. “I heard Lauren and Brody were dating again, pass it on.” When it gets to Heidi, she hears, “My little pony is mating a dragon.”
Bolthouse asks Heidi directly about Brody and LC, and Heidi is caught off guard. What’s awesome about this show is how realistic it is. Whenever the TVGASM staff has a meeting, we’re always grilled about our personal lives in front of everybody. In fact, that’s how I found out my former best friend was dating a current friend. I felt so betrayed I could barely concentrate when my boss starting explaining my next assignment. I bet I looked just like Heidi does when Brent tells her she’ll be working on The Chelsea Football Club event that night. You know what’s super weird though? I didn’t see Brent at the barbecue.
Poor My Little Pony. Dragons are scary.
Deadrina preps for her next public speaking engagement at Santa Monica High School’s Young Women In Charge day by practicing her speech in front of her coworker Chiara. “It’s hard to find good girlfriends in LA, so it’s all right to drink all day together at a party even if it makes you cry. Bustin, who’s kinda my boyfriend maybe, left me at that party and I cried but I still called him first even though he should have called me first and I told him I was done.” Chiara chimes in, “Final straw!” Deadrina gives her the corpse stare and continues, “Not really because I’ve said that so many times! But like I’m up, I’m down, I like him, I don’t . It’s like a roller coaster!” “So what?” says Chiara. Then they say in unison, “Roller coasters are fun! Wheeee!”
The most beautiful businesswoman in the world, Meg Whitman, President and CEO of Ebay, arrives home to Chez Janky and kisses The Monchichi on the mouth.
Oh, whoops, when Spence said “most beautiful businesswoman in the world,” he meant Heidi. I didn’t know listbitches were considered “businesswoman!” I’m going to go get my MBA! Spencer has grown a wittew beawd. How cute! Wook how cute he wooks wif his wittew beawd! If those last sentences made you sick, you now know how much grosser he looks than usual. Heidi tells Spencer the gossip Brent spread all over the staff meeting. Spencer says that hell has frozen over. Then they hear a loud SMACK on their window. They look outside and see a stunned pig with wings sprawled on the front lawn.
You’ll find LC in the club, maybe looking for a rub, but that does not mean she was expecting to see two chicks making out! Right in front of her! In the bathroom! And she was the only one there! “Who does that?” she asks Ryan, labeled “Lauren’s friend” which is much nicer than “Albino Ronald McDonald” which is what I would have labeled him. Ryan is way too enthusiastic about the story. “Lesbians,” interjects Deadrina, in a rare display of a grasp on reality. Just then, Brody Jenner arrives. I can’t wait to see how his hand is healing. OH, WAIT! There’s no cast on his hand! WAIT A SECOND! Is this show edited out of order? WTF? Is that Brent Bolthouse over there?
Hey guys! Spencer’s out of town this weekend to meet Heidi’s rents. Wanna come to a barbecue?
Brody and Lauren participate in their usual ambiguous flirty flirtness, making plans to all hang at the Roosevelt pool on Sunday. That’ll be fun! You can tell our girl is drunk again because she slurs a little when she says to Brody that his condo is even more fun, and then she gives cat’s eyes to whoever’s sitting next to her. No driving, LC! Before they take off, Lauren checks to make sure Spencer won’t be there. Brody assures her that Spencer never goes anywhere anymore, since he’s on a tight budget after blowing his life savings on Heidi’s non-engagement ring.
The next morning in the officecloset, Whitney is cataloguing garments that Lauren is supposed to be checking off a list. LC’s got one eye closed as she tries to decipher the letters. “Did you go out last night?” Whitney asks, innocently. LC tells her about Les Deux, and that Brody told her that Spencer won’t return his calls since they’ve been hanging out. Whitney thinks that’s just so immature, I mean, to stop hanging out with someone just because they are hanging out with someone you don’t like is just like so. . .uh oh. Insert foot in mouth, Whitney. She back pedals and says it’s probably just a tiff. “Tiff!” squeals Lauren. “I love that word! Did you know I was almost named Tiffany?” Remember when The Hills was just a string of insipid conversations like this all the time? That was the best! Whitney makes a horrified face. “Or Crystal!” Lauren reveals. Whitney makes her face look like an angry gopher.
So…you seeing anyone?
I hope the next scene is a few days later, because the girls at the Villa are getting ready to go out again. Lo’s over, and even though I love how chirpily confrontational she is, her confidence is definitely in spite of a wavering sense of fashion. Tonight, she looks like she’s wearing the top part of an eighties prom dress, and she has video vixen hair.
Deadrina’s going out to dinner with Bustin. As soon as she tells them that, she becomes totally unsure. “Is he coming up?” asks Lo. No, he’s just going to call when he gets there. Deadrina checks her phone as she says this, and I feel sorry for her. Again.
OMG I thought I might have left my ringer off.
“And he wants to take it really slow, evolve, and become best friends before boyfriend/girlfriend,” she says, trying to sound mature. These are terrible things to tell the L’s. Hand on hip, Lo asks, “Haven’t you been seeing each other off and on for two years?” Yeah, admits Deadrina. “And how long have you been seeing him this time?” “Four months.” OMG! I was shicked, which means a cross between shocked and almost shit my pants. Four months? Are you kidding? Doesn’t it seems like they’ve gone out four times? Lo was pretty shicked herself, and she told Dead they “should be boyfriend/girlfriend by now.” Lauren, smiling in that cryptic way she has when people are suffering, nods in agreement.
We hear the sound of a man evolving. Honk! Honk! Bustin’s here to pick you up! He takes her to Toi, which is a really cheap Thai place where people who still wear mohawks or combat boots eat, and people who have lots of different “freelance” jobs can afford. Deadrina’s not all that hungry, and this makes Bustin mad, because he wouldn’t have had to spend any money if he had known. “We are getting to know each other,” Deadrina insists. He says he knows her, but adds condescendingly, “SOMETIMES you surprise me.”
He goes on to say they need to take it really slow, and “putting statements on things, it’ll be gone, I don’t like that.” “How about this statement: I want a boyfriend,” confronts Deadrina. No, of course not. Deadrina whimpers a little about her friends saying they should have a boyfriend/girlfriend label. This makes Bustin even madder and he rants about society and fucking things up with rings and things getting in your ear and finishes with: “Fuck them! Literally!” Which is, coincidentally, the title of his manifesto about government funding for disinherited artists coming out on Little, Brown in October.
Time for a pop quiz:
A) Brody calls Spencer. Spencer picks up and says, “Yo bro, sorry I’ve been fading you. It just took me a second to realize we don’t all have to like each other and you can be friends with whoever you want. I don’t own you, even though the contract we signed basically says so. Let’s go shopping on your dad’s Celebrity Double Dare residuals.”
B) Brody calls Spencer. Spencer picks up and says, “I have nothing to say to you. You are rolling around with my enemy, so that makes you my enemy see how that works? You have no loyalty. I got nothing to say to you.” He hangs up. Then Brody calls Spencer a bitch.
You’re so out of my Top 24. Dead to me.
It’s Sunday and it’s time to get drunk at the pool. LC and the girls check out guys. Lo likes ‘em skinny and LC calls any guy who’s a loser “homeboy.” Deadrina, back in the hot seat, has to explain her boyfriend/girlfriend status to the L’s and some dude wearing a hat. She’s being “oversensitive,” she explains. “You’re not being oversensitive,” LC slurs. “He’s being over-asshole.” Ding! Best line of the episode!
Things are a little tense until Brody and Frankie show up. Frankie tells LC he called her yesterday, and Brody asks, “Why you calling my lady, dog? You better watch out.” What’s going on? Are LC and Brody paying the crew not to follow them? The booze crew tease them about a sleep over. LC gets uncomf, because she refers to herself in the third person. “Lauren had been drinking and–” Brody interrupts her and tells her to shut up, and not use that excuse.
They both have really dark sunglasses on, but both of them smirk as Brody refers to it as a “friendly sleep over.” They are totally doing it! Frankie tells her Spencer got mad when he heard she’d been over at Brody’s. “Spencer broke up with me,” Brody laughs. He tells them what Spencer said on the phone, and that it just seems Speidi are inseparable. “I’m on the rebound, ” he fake cries. “Now me and Frankie are dating.” Everybody laughs, because even douchebags are funny sometimes.
Put the corners on the other corners and shake the towel til it’s a tiny square.
The good times don’t last because we have to go check in at Chez Janky. It looks like Speidi went to Ikea. There’s one of those mirrors that looks like a sun hanging where the mural used to be. I wonder if they decided on that together. Heidi folds laundry and asks Spencer to help. He says he’s helping her with his mind. The conversation is so fake and retarded that I refuse to write any more about it. Except to say when Heidi tells Spencer she’s having breakfast with Jen Bunney, Spencer tenses up and asks “JEN ISN’T HANGING OUT WITH LAUREN IS SHE?” It’s hilarious. Heidi says, “What do you say, just you and I go to Don Antonio’s tonight for dinner?” As if they’ve got anyone to invite besides Grandma Pratt. Soul-o mates forever.
Jen Bunney looks decidedly less traumatized as she waits for Heidi at Doughboys. In fact, when Heidi sees her she exclaims how different she looks. “Not as much as you do, wink wink,” counters Jen. I wish. Jen does seem way more confident than she used to, and shrugs off Heidi’s questions about what’s going on with a pleased “everything.”
It’s hard not to feel like a purse has grown between us.
As Heidi tries to explain the break down of all the friendships, including that of Brody and Spencer, Jen seems to get calmer and more powerful. Finally, as Heidi tells her that Brody was the one that spread all the rumors about Lauren, we can see the spell is fully broken. “How do you know that?” Jen asks, matter of factly. “Because I heard him say things!” proves Heidi. Jen’s look is priceless. She has her hand in front of her mouth, her brow furrowed in sympathy.
“I’m so glad I’m not you,” she says. No, she doesn’t, but it’s written all over her face. More of the “we used to be such good friends” dialogue that seems prompted by the producers, and the breakfast finishes somewhat awkwardly. “I don’t really care,” says Heidi. “Yes you do,” says Jen, with pity. Sad music plays as they pick at their food. “Are we done here?” Jen asks the segment producer. She smiles over her shoulder to Heidi as she walks away. “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”
Heidi not caring at all.