The Hills: Sharks versus Jets, Blondes versus Brunettes!

O.Snapp is on vacation this week, so please welcome your sub Hills recapper, Monamonzano!

Back to something important- ME!

This week, the ramifications of the “Boys” Hawaiian vacation erupts in monumental, melodramatic, man-coholic and often melancholic douchebaggery, Heidi and Spence keep seeing the therapist after another run-in with Stace-face, and Blahdrina gets torn a couple more assholes by some very manly playmates. See how it unfolds on another episode of….The Hills!

This week on The Hills, you have me, Monamonzano, taking recapping some serious ass and dochebaggery! Are you ready? I am, after I finish this pork chop sandwich.

Done.

Anyhoo, the show beings with LC (Concerned glance concerned glance) asking Blahdrina McDead eyes if she’s going to Frankie Ugliowitz’s barbecue (concerned glance concerned glance). Apparently, Jayde and Brohday have been fighting…why? BECAUSE HE FRIGGIN’ CHEATED ON HER. Wha? I know, crazy. This is hollywood, people. So, yes, Blahdrina, now, cheating on your significant other- even if they are an ugly drag queen of a playmate- is actually WRONG. And yes, Jayde is probably just a tad pissed at you, Bladrina. Here’s another concerned glance just to drive the point home.

Showdown at the H Wood Corral

Blahdrina defends herself by saying she’s SINGLE and allowed to date. Since when was crying about pigpen in Broahday’s room and then fucking him “dating.”

Also, does somebody smell eggs???

As Blahdrina runs the gamut of lame post-coital excuses, the show begins to heat up, complete with sparkle-vision and that lame theme song.

Then, the blow up doll I like to call Heidi Montag is outside of Swingers talkin’ to a work buddy, who apparently moonlights as a stewardess.

/Meg White

Apparently, this friend is as good a dresser as she is an advice giver, because she also tells Human Blow-Up doll to go to H Wood, because Human Blow Up Doll found a text from Bartendress on it saying to go. Oh, the Drama!

Meanwhile, the barbecue starts to heat up and let me tell you, burning silicone and singed fake eyelashes do NOT smell pretty.

aka, Jayde was there.

The Blonde Brigade arrives at H Wood to meet up with the Brunette Brigade. Man, it is SO west side story, it’s killing me!

OMG, I brought a knife.

We get a rehash of how HBUD read Spencer/Hitler’s text and Holly, the dowdy sister, nods in concern and appreciation.

Can we hurry this up? I have a middle school class to teach.

Finally, the Brunette show. Uh, I mean the Kardashians? I’m not sure and I’m confused. Know what I do when I’m confused? I dunno, solve a theorem and like 40 rubix cubes, just to make myself feel better. Anyhoo, seems like there’s enough forehead to go around in these two gangs.

Let’s head-butt to the death.

Stacie, acting like a semi-non retarded adult who might know another semi-non retarded adult, waves. The blondes appropriately bristle. Then, Stacie and the Kardashi-crew come on by for some more awkward ridicule. HBUD says how “nice it is” that they came over, and then asks where Spencer is. Stacie replies, “he’s your boyfriend.” Well, sort of, if boyfriends yell at you, isolate you from your friends and family and treat you like children. Then, yes, they are happily dating.

So Stacie emphasizes the fact that Spencer/hitler is HBUD’s BOYFRIEND, not hers. HBUD starts throwing some concerned glances, now, a la LC. HBUD wonders why Stacie has such an interest in Spencer/Hitler, too, and Stacie puts the blame where it should be- on Spencer/Hitler. Now, I’m not saying that Stacie is in any way not trying to shamelessly flirt or get with Spencer, but for real- HBUD should be more mad with Spencer/Hitler than with some bartender who wants to bone.

Oh, wait, I forgot, HBUD can’t really get mad at Spencer, or he’ll ground her or take away her car or kill her cat or something. Oh, Spencer/Hitler, you so silly!

Back at the party, Jayde’s friend wants to fight Blahdrina and Jayde doesn’t want Broahday to pet her. What? Is your weave falling out or are you just having a poopy day?

C. All of the above.

Frankie McUglyOgreowitz butts in and this show is STILL skirting around that fact that Broahday’s PENIS was in Blahdrina’s COOCHIE.

So THATS How babies are made….

Broahday still doesn’t want to be “put in the middle” of the situation. Um, remember, it was YOUR penis, Broahday. I know you like to leave the dumb catfighting to the women, but your nails are so perfectly manicured….

Blahdrina blows Broahday a kiss and Jayde sics her gaggle of skanks on little miss homewrecker. Yawn. I don’t know of it’s all the silicone parts flying around, but I’m getting awfully bored.

Um, we were JUST about to punch her in her caps.

Jayde and Blahdrina go over to some other designer couch to keep talking themselves into incoherent, unintelligible circles. Jayde keeps saying how Blahdrina’s behavior is so fucked up, but I REALLY don’t think it’s Blahdrina’s problem, I mean, she don’t got no boyfriend, right? And why would Jayde want to be with Broahday anyway, if he can’t keep his dick in his pants? Why? Maybe because they’re all dumbasses.

Guilty as charged…

As Broahday gives Blahdrina a reconciliatory high-five, LC is doing her usual job of dishing out concerned glances. Blahdrina leaves and Jayde gets all pissy that Broahday hugged Blahdrina. The long and short of it is Jayde doesn’t care if Blahdrina’s okay, and Broahday needs to be neutered. Also, Jayde is a man.

This Jager will make me forget my balls…er, transgressions.

Man, these brunettes are so controlling moody. Where’s a good subordonate blonde when you need one?

Still life with Douchebag

HBUD is back in therapy with Mr. Pratt. Man, that therapist is probably thinking that she is NOT getting paid enough to listen to HBUD or stare at Spency’s continuously pissed-offedness.

Somebody shoot me

So they go through the whole song and dance about Spency getting a text message from Stacy and how neither of them trust each other. I love the fact that the therapist says that they’re on different pages, and Spency says they’re in different books. No, HBUD, OK! Magazine does NOT count as a book. And no, Spency, the iphone kindle version of “Mein Kampf” also doesn’t count. Geez!

At Blahdrina’s bungalow, Stefanie gets the whole story of the past events at Broahday’s par-tay. Blahdrina is trying to justify her “sleeping in bed” (cough, intercourse, cough cough) by the fact that she’s known Broahday for like, a super long time and like, Jayde and him were like, fighting after only, like a couple months and like, life is ultimately superstressful, like, as referenced by the works of Nietsche and like, Necomachean ethics. Duh!

You ALWAYS Bring up Derrida when you’re pissy, Blahdrina!

At the cutsie club entitled “Our House” (disclaimer: nobody lives there), Jayde is still swigging Jager like she earns a wage doing it. She seems like a SUPER HAPPY person, in general. Real solid head on her shoulders, real nice set of nuts between her legs. Am I right? She’s also looking extra drag-queeny when Blahdrina walks in.

I cannot…see your Adam’s Apple in this light.

Jayde’s gross witchy friends goes over and flays her hands at Blahdrina, and Frankie breaks it up, though Blahdrina goes over to Jayde and calls her insecure. Man, why the FUCK isn’t Broahday getting ANY flack? He should really be the one chugging Jaeger and getting his panties in a bunch. Ugh, stupid women. When will they go and get themselves pregnant and loose their bodies and arrogance, only to populate the world with less attractive anti-intellectuals that will constitute a new megarace of superhumans? Just sayin.’

Jayde gets even more pissy and Broahday goes over to Blahdrina to ask what’s going on. Really, I think Broahday’s just jealous and wants to get in on this girl on girl (debatably girl on boy) action. Broahday tells Blahdrina to let it go, and that his crazy man-girlfriend is upset. Blahdrina leaves. Commence gross makeout between douchebags.

All Systems go.

the next day, Blahdrina meets LC and that mousey blond friend of LC’s at Desert Rose, a restaurants that apparently allows girls with awkwardly placed hats to dine in their midst.

.

Dumb.

Blahdrina tells the whole story of the evening.

Pre-lunch concern

LC tries to defend Broahday’s actions but also that he owes Blahdrina an apology. Meanwhile, Spencer goes back to therapy, while Heidi waits in the car. He tells the therapist that HBUD and him were separate people, but now are the same. Really? I beg to differ. Hey, did you crack a window for HBUD in the car, Spence?

And, more lunching! This time with LC and Broahday. Man, LC, you better watch your girlish figure and furrowed brow, or you might start to look old and get fat. And NOBODY likes a reality tv star to be old and fat, unless you’re on biggest loser.

Yowza! Just lettuce for me.

LC tells Broahday that Blahdrina felt attacked at Our Home (not actually our home). LC also makes a somewhat coherent argument that um, MAYBE this whole SITUATION is, um, you know, MIGHT be a LITTLE BIT of Broahday’s fault. Man, somebody give this bitch a Ph.D.! Broahday responds logically with…I’m just going to sit this one out. You know, repress everything to later….what a guy. Then LC and Borahday, like the scene changes and the end of every hills episode, stare awkwardly at each other while some alternative pop song plays.

Ahhh, the HILLS!