The Hills: SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

I kill pets.

This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday…what is it, 65?I can’t tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.

Oh Hey, it’s the Hills, seen through the lens of bottles and bottles of pumpkin beer. Tis the season!

This episode starts with a long, unsexy walk on the beach, Broahday and Kristin style.

Yah, we’re just catchin’ some waves, catchin’ some STDs. Talkin’ about life…

I love how all the dumb bitches on this show want to know the “status” of stuff. “Sooo…are you, like, broken up? Are you on a break? ” I wish I could answer for everyone who gets asked that by saying, “well, my fake relationship is on hiatus, but if you mean am I available to fuck people on or off camera, that’s a ‘yes’ as usual.”

Then, they go through hypotheticals…like, what if we dated? Ugh. Come on, just fuck or not fuck, or pour a drink down someone’s shirt. Do SOMETHING.

Broahday asks Kristin how long it’s going to be before she “divorces” justin bobby. Wow, is that what marriage is like? Sounds…frizzy. And, borderline retarded. Kristin responds with her patented, uneffectual, SHuuT Up!

And cue “unwritten…”

And back to the house of marital bliss.

Enzo’s dead body in the basement?

The first shot is a typical day in the Pratt household. I feel like i’m in a slutty time machine, taking be back to the slutty fifties…but also, dumber and more aryan.

Your drink, master.

Okay, maybe it’s more Manson family than Dick Van Dyke. But these two would actually never be in the Manson family- Swastikas clash with Ed Hardy, right? Or do they? That’s a question for Tim Gunn, if any.

Oh fuck, LBUD wants a birthday. A party, as a gift. And of course, Spencer gives her shit for her not wanting the house. And HBUD retaliates with 2.5 oz. of bitch. Off camera, she will be punished. She WILL be PUNISHED.

You can find HBUD’s smile in the corner of the porno house, after it is hit off her face.

On the transition to the next scripted scene, a bar whore.

Hollywood. What’s your dream?

At Casa Blah Dead, Blah dead pretends to fold prop laundry.

ew, clothes are hard.

Troll is there…to help?

Wow, they are totally both suckers for blue and white stripes, aren’t they. Hahaha, girl talk is so much fun. But SERIOUSLY, vintage shows are fun. And SERIOUSLY, Broahday and Fetal alcohol are on a break. And, HBUD is actually making her husband throw her a party. Wow. OMG, what if Kristin is there? OMG? What if Justin is there? OMG, I have really uncomfortable irritable bowel syndrome. What? I mean, cute, like mini dress. Fuck, my pubic hair is falling out for some reason. What? no, that ring is totally cute.

Cut to pow-wow in studio fifty four, according to Kristin’s top.

Smooches! WHERE’S THE BLOW?

Oh, Justin Bobby and Kristin are…chit chatting?

Maybe the shirt is tetris- themed?

Justin Bobby isn’t going to LBUD’s party because of Blah Dead. OH, who is the drama queen NOW, beeeyotch? Justin Bobby says Blah Dead is going to Befriend Kristin…yeah, you know, because she’s so charming and witty.

Mah Jongg tiles?

Justin Bobby, though he isn’t going to the party, is SOooooo not threatened by Blah Dead. But seriously, she’s like nothing to him. He’s just going to jerk off to internet port instead, but not because of Blah. No. I mean, where’s my apps? I ordered mozzarella sticks.

Those are chicklets. Definitely.

At the house of slutty, vacant oppressiveness, HBUD has to set up for her own party. Surprise surprise.

Cups are hard…

HBUD thinks that Blah Dead and Kristin are gonna make up, while Spencer thinks they’re going to fight and the fuck. I am going to have to agree with Spencer.

Ugh, if there is anyone who makes me want to fucking gouge my own eyeballs out, marinate them, eat them and then do the same ot my ears out of sheer self-loathing, it has GOT to be Bulimia. God, she. Is. So. Dumb. And, she’s on her way to HBUD’s Bday party with Blah Dead. Oh, Joy!

Blah dead keeps talking about how she hasn’t seen anyone in like, FOREVER. Why? busy making C list movies and posing for lame photo shoots where they have to photo shop the dead out of your eyes? No, you don’t have to answer that.

Blah tells Bulimia that she met with Justin, and that Justin said him and Kristin weren’t really dating. Of course he did. God, when are they going to realize this dickhead is…well, a dickhead? I know, a question for the ages.

Then, I guess some bitches from Laguna Beach are at the party. YAWNSVILLE.

Spencer then presents his GENIUS present to HBUD, and prefaces it with “These are gonna be the only babies I ever give you!” Man, if these party guests werent borderline retarded/totally staged, I might feel awkward. Oh well…

And HBUD gets…some ugly dogs! Wow. Cherish them, or they will eat you if you die alone in your porno pad.

This looks like the to half of a playboy spread.

And then Blah Dead and Bulimia come to the party. Man, sticking with the theme of “dumb bitches in time,” these skanks look like 80′s call girls.

Still life of Skanks with Marigolds.

Then this ugly-hot drugged out dude hugs Kristin for a while. Do we know him?

Pussy breath.

I think HBUD is drunk because she’s acting more idiotic and like a midwestern mom than usual. But so is Blah Dead, who has a…heart to heart? with Broahday. Oh! Then some fancy schmancy camera work!

Cue theme from “Jaws.” Or, hey, why not “Single White Female?” Close enough.

I GOT MY MIND SET ON YOU

Kristin is slurring her words, so you know, she’s ready to talk. Kristin goes up to Blah Dead, and they yammer away about that piece of trash Justin. Kristin goes on about how Justin wasn’t really into Blah Dead, and Blah Dead uses her ace in the hole, how she had drinks with Justin Bobby and how he told Blah dead that he wasn’t over her. And then? Sarcasm-ville! Oh also, Blah Dead leaving unclimactically. Man, I love how this super fucking boring woman is now a STAR.

And, that piece of shit drives a fucking gas guzzler. She should be shot.

God, I feel so fucking stupid after watching these piece of shit people interact with one another. Sometimes, I’ll do some calculus after I finish my recap just so I can get my brain back to its natural level of functioning. Also, I’m awesome.

Back at Kristin’s, Stacie stops by. You know, because I know I run errands in Malibu. It’s cost-effective and convenient!

Kristin makes Stacie some yogurt and fruit (eating, what?) and they chit chat about the cuntiness of Justin Bobby. Finally, something I can relate to, ladies!

Kristin sees the obvious nature of Justin Bobby playing mind games with her about going to the party or not going because if she didn’t go she wouldnt’ve found out about them hanging out but she did so Blah told her that they hung out and rubbed it in her face and good work. ladies. This session is going to result in me doing a LOT of calculus so that by brain doesn’t resemble Yoplait.

Oh, also, Kristin cuts a banana hard because she’s angry. Oh, castration jokes.

At some other trendy restaurant, Troll acts all suburban mom and is “tweeting.” Yeah, she says it really affectedly like a forty year old woman would. Wait, is she forty? Her troll-like features might hide her age- I’ll be alert. Then, Blah dead recounts the whole Kristin debacle at HBUD’s party and man…I don’t even think I can recap this fecal matter posing as conversation. Blather. Just, same old shitty shit shit.

So, let’s try Kristin’s run in with her pal Justin Bobby. He’s looking a lot like a slightly hotter boy George…

or coal miner. Whatevs.

Kristin accuses Justin Bobby of being back with “MISS Audrina.” I love how when a woman on this show thinks another woman is especially shitty, she’ll call her Miss. Then, as Kristin starts to talk, Justin cuts her off with “I know.” What? Okay, we get it. He knows. He just wants to know what she knows, and then he’ll insinuate his constant corresspondance with Blah Dead. God, this fucking dickhead should be shot twice: once for stealing old clothes from the L.A. historical museum and second because he’s a giant, giant dickhead.

Derrr….

But maybe he’s high? He tells Kristin to mellow out and then uses weird, indecipherable vowels and some gutteral sounds. Or hey, maybe he’s just stupid. Probably a precarious mixture of both. Then he says how he doesn’t want to start the Blah Dead cycle of dead-eyed doom, but also doesn’t trust Kristin. Oh hey, Justin? I think there’s a shaft that needs mining. For gold. Maybe a job as an extra in an indiana jones movie.

Justin tells Kristin that she can’t trust and she’s had a lot of “strikes,” whatever that means. I also sort of feel like I’m watching a foreign film with shitty, shitty subtitles.

“If I see a pattern, I move on.”

“What is your motive?”

“I’m done.”

“I deal in confusion.”

Hmmmm…and Kristin is done. I guess. She leaves Justin at said trendy restaurant, sulking.

Someone raided my high school theatre’s costume department!

And this person also has the acting and verbal skills of…my high school theatre department. Until next time, chode.

NEXT TIME: The same old shit.