This week on The Hills, Heidi and Lauren travel back in time to middle school, Deadrina begins her study at the Scientology Center, and no one learns the art of conflict resolution.
What a load of sorry.
Evil StepBoss Lisa Love, still recovering from the shock of how young young Hollywood is, didn’t put in her contacts or curl her hair. She finds the officecloset and tells our darling duo Cinderellas, Lauren and Whitney, that they may go to the ball tonight in her stead. She even tells them to enjoy themselves. Did Lisa get laid at the Church Party?
Someone molted! Go Love!
Norman Lear is throwing an event called “Declare Yourself” to celebrate the power of the vote. What’s the over under on either Whitney or LC voting in the last election? No matter, they go to the website to register to vote, I mean, look up the guest list. Sally Struthers? Bea Arthur? I hope, I hope. Nah, just Leo D and Maggie Gyllenhall and Mark Ruffalo. They notice that Trent Rezhouse is on the board. Whitney gazes at Lauren’s face and says, “Interestink.” They wonder if Heidi is going to be there. LC stares at the screen with concern. “Well, we’ll just have to see when we get there and handle the situation accordingly,” says the newly competent Whitney. Grace and confidence look good on you, Whit! I’m proud of you! And too personally invested in this show!
Over at Rezhouse, the ugly stepsisters receive invitations to the ball as well. In truth, I guess we don’t really know yet if the New Kimberly is bad or good, but I think in Hillsworld, guilt by association is a safe assumption. Heidi has winged her hair back like Farrah Fawcett today, and NK kind of resembles Jaclyn Smith. Too bad Trent can’t hire another brunette actress, I mean, event coordinator to be Heidi’s friend. They could radio each other then karate chop LC and Whitney from behind while screaming, “Declare Yourself!” Heidi heard it’s the biggest event of the year, red carpet and everything. NK hasn’t quite lost her East coast sense that life should have meaning, because she responds, “Good cause, too.” “Yeah,” says Heidi, nodding like she just thought up a sexy suffragette costume for next Halloween.
I’m voting for Oprah.
The uncredited fifth character of Season Three, The Flashbulb, signifies the beginning of the night’s event. There’s Joely Fisher! There’s Eric Mabius! There’s f’in JT! WTF! Do they all vote?! NO way! Stars, they’re just like us! LC and Whit head towards what looks like the back entrance, pleased they don’t have to work and joking about who would have hooked up with Lisa Love. She actually told them to enjoy themselves! They do, with very large martinis.
LC tells Whitney that the “really ridiculously hot guy” from The Devil Wears Prada is there. I’m not sure who she means, because Adrian Grenier would more likely be identified as the guy from Entourage, the other dude is Simon What’s His Face, that Australian guy who looks like the less alcoholic younger brother of Dominic West, and then there’s Stanley Tucci the really ridiculously creepy guy. Whitney’s excited anyway and does her best valley girl “Whaaaat?!” LC returns, “I knoooow!? Let’s voooote!” Little do they know, Heidi and New Kimberly are outside having the exact same entrance conversation. They can’t believe they don’t have to work tonight either! The ugly stepsisters are wearing matching sparkly shift dresses. One is silver, the other is black.
Do you think they called each other?
LC and Whit go out to the patio where most of the crowd is congregating. We hear Lauren yell “Fooood!” I wonder if elongating words in lieu of full sentences is the new party talk. Whit asks why Deadrina didn’t tag along tonight. LC says it’s because she has a date. With Bustin? LC nods. Whitney frown-smiles. ‘Nuff not said.
There they are! The couple no one wants to talk about is riding a motorcycle! There’s a shot of their feet as they debike. Dead’s wearing boots. Bustin is wearing All Stars and what looks like tights. When is he going to get his grown man on? They belly up to the bar. Deadrina pulls at the greasy nest that is Bustin’s hair. “Oh my god, did you know there’s a dead bird in here?” “Yeah,” says Bustin, “the bones and feathers help the hair dread naturally.” Deadrina throws the lock she is holding back at his head. Trying a different subject, she tells Bustin she got promoted at work. No longer a receptionist, she gets to help with artists, and she has her own cubicle and computer. Her first cubicle! Aw! Bustin tries to comprehend what she’s talking about since he hasn’t been inside any building where they don’t serve liquor in over 3 years.
Deadrina’s excited because she’s working with Sean Kingston tomorrow. Kingston’s manager has bought Hills product placement. Brody danced to his song in Vegas, LC told hired date Gavin about him, and Deadrina’s going to chaperone him at Jimmy Kimmel Live. Good work, management! Bustin asks if she’s nervous about it. She admits she is but “it’s her chance to prove—” He takes a shot of whiskey. Then he burps long and loudly. Then he laughs. She stares at him. He’s disgusting. I have to admit, there was a part of me that liked him because his alternating feelings of disdain and ambivalence towards the idiotic conversations and situations we’ve been subjected to this season reflected my own. But now, to quote Deadrina, I’m done with him. Fuck him, literally. He asks if she got his call last week. Suddenly, it seems Deadrina’s got the upper hand. She didn’t return the call. He calls her “Dude” and tells her if he says he’ll call, he’ll call. They make plans to hang out the next night after Kimmel. Then Bustin burps at her and laughs again, wearing the exact expression that kid in fifth grade had right before he had to move his desk out to the hall.
I know my ATM card is in here somewhere.
Back at the hippest voter registration I’ve ever seen, the two cliques finally spy each other. “Remember that girl I told you about?” Heidi asks New Kimberly. “She’s right over there.” I guess Kimberly got to hear about Topic B in the car. Whitney says to Lauren, “Oh my god. She’s like right there. Is this horrible for you? I mean like this is horrible for you.”
Heidi decides that she is going to “say something to her.” Do it! She approaches Lauren and does her best 8th grade girl imitation: “HI,” she demands, chin raised. Lauren sees her eighth grade and raises to ninth. She blinks, narrows her eyes, and shakes her head condescendingly. They stare at each other. Whitney pipes up and introduces herself to New Kimberly. “I’m Whitney, by the way.” She extends her hand politely. I love that she said “by the way” as if they had all been talking about something else, like fashion or really ridiculously hot guys, without introductions.
Heidi says she hasn’t talked to Lauren in awhile and she “wanted to see–” she pauses for a split second while her brain comes up with something else besides “if you would ever talk to me again.” It gives her: “how you’re doing, what’s going on.” It’s too feeble for Lauren, so she tells Heidi she has to apologize first. Then she has to wear a sign around her neck that says “virgin” until study hall. Heidi says LC knows she didn’t do anything to which LC replies that having your boyfriend do your dirty work doesn’t make you innocent. Again, Heidi protests saying Lauren’s “sex tape and whatever” has nothing to do with her. The “and whatever” part is the catch, because it suddenly occurs to me that Lauren had confided in Heidi about certain private things that Heidi passed on to the Monchichi. It wasn’t Jason, it wasn’t Brody, it was Heidi who told him.
Gee, I can’t wait to hear this recounted in the officecloset every day for the next year of my life.
Lauren asks her if she thinks it’s okay to say those things about someone and “go on and think it’s funny.” Heidi says “nothing’s funny,” but we all remember her joking about Lauren and Jason being “back in the movie making business” when they collided at Ketchup. There’s more back and forth, until Lauren tells Heidi that she’s a “bad person.” Heidi says again that she didn’t do anything wrong, and the look on Lauren’s face convinces me that my theory is right. I finally get the meaning of “You know what you did!”
At the break, the weirdest and longest commercial I have ever seen comes on. An albino Asian woman is drawing dress designs for Target in a room that looks like a soft porn set. She says she designs clothes for women for whatever they’re going through. Then there’s a scene of a girl (name-captioned like The Hills) standing on her stoop getting dumped by her boyfriend. The next scene shows a girl failing to pick up clothes from a dry cleaner. Dry cleaners sure do take a lot of breaks and close early all the time. Then another girl is planning a fashion show. Then the Albasian comes back, saying no matter what the occasion, party or pity party, it matters what you wear. Seriously? That’s how you’re selling clothes? Like it matters what you’re wearing when someone breaks up with you. Unless it’s just a sheet. Like you would ever wear it again. “I guess I’ll put on my dress I wore when he dumped me and sit on the couch and order a large pizza and eat the whole thing and feel like a loser. Thank god I bought this dress at Target. Otherwise I’d have nothing to wear for this occasion. I can wear this tomorrow, too, because I think I might be getting fired.” The other girls are losers, too– one’s boss is mean to her because she can’t use a copier, and the other tries on all the models’ dresses before the fashion show. Then they all go to a party. The end. The moral of the story is : If you’re a loser, buy a cheap dress at Target and go to a party. We design with you in mind. The commercial was 3 and a half minutes long.
Stay away from my closet, you crazy Albasian.
Phew, we’re back in Hillsworld where no one wears a dress that costs less than 300 dollars. I feel better. It’s time for the traditional Play-By-Play scene. Deadrina sits on the couch eating vegetables. She offers some to LC. Lauren tells the story of what happened the night before at the Declare Yourself party. Her nose is curiously stuffed up. Cold much? Hmm. After they talk about how they can’t believe Heidi, they decide to get ready for work. What time do they work? 1 pm? Who eats a plate of vegetables for breakfast? Popeye? Someone’s been reading Skinny Bitch.
Sean Kingston and entourage arrive at The Jimmy Kimmel Theater. Poor guy has to maneuver his weight and his ill-fitting pants up a flight of stairs to get to sound check. Deadrina and Chiara, the actress, I mean, Epic intern we met last week, look on as Sean rehearses. At a break, Deadrina confesses she is supposed to go out with Bustin that night. Chiara, who seems too blunt for Hillsworld, says it’s not going to happen. Dead says maybe he should come by. “No,” says Chiara, “you’re at work. Besides, there’s no alcohol in the green room.” Problem solved. Dead laughs it off and says she’ll call him tomorrow. Could this be the end of Bustin? Don’t jinx it!
LC arrives at the officecloset, where she and Whit debrief the night before. Lauren seems so depressed and tired. All of a sudden, Heidi sends Lauren an IM. The editors cut to a shot of Heidi on the laptop at Chez Janky. What time does Heidi go to work? 3 pm? Now I know why The Grove is always crowded on weekdays. People barely work in LA. We see the IM chat up close. It says 5:34pm. This show, this show. I’m tired of making jokes about the fakery, Gasmii, but they make it soooo hard. Heidi wants to talk. Whitney chirps, “What did she say? What did you say?” as Lauren claws the air in frustration. She types, “What do you want to talk about?” Heidi wants to meet up after work. Lauren is quiet and conflicted. Whitney chirps some more, “What’s going on? Fill me in! I’m trying to help.” Lauren tells her what Heidi wants, and Whitney gives her the best advice, “Just get it over with.”
Now, back to DigDug.
Sean Kingston signs autographs and teaches Deadrina and Chiara how to use the latest lingo. They are so white. “You’re poppin’” means “You’re famous.” Don’t say “Rock the house,” say “Tore it up” or “Shut it down” all of which, I suppose, are derivations of “The roof is on fire.” The girls laugh awkwardly as Sean wipes the sweat off his face and slides his eyes away from them. Hugs and kisses all around, and the girls are out of there. They are giddy, as they walk down the street and Deadrina considers calling Bustin. “No,” says Chiara. Is this what Katie Holmes’ Scientology babysitter was like?
As night falls on The Hills, Heidi arrives home at Chez Janky where the Monchichi is doing his daily scouring of Heidi’s bank account, calendar, email, etc., for any signs she might run away. She filled in today’s activity log but she forgot to erase the Ichat! OH NO! The Monchichi reads it out loud at her. She cuts him off. Did you ever notice the Monchichi’s eyes are perfectly round? They look like the eyes of those owl clocks that go back and forth but always seem like they are looking at you. Who? Who? Heidi says she ran into LC and wanted to put everything behind them. Strangely, the Monchichi doesn’t freak out, he just tells her she’s going to the lion’s den.
Sean Kingston sends Deadrina flowers at her new cubicle. She’s pleased. She feels like things are different because she has her own cubicle. What’s the BFD with the cubicle? There is a whole movie about trying to get out of your cubicle. It’s called Office Space. Maybe this new promotion will make her feel like she’s too good for a hairdresser who doesn’t want to cut or style his own hair.
I so don’t care. Is my bra right? Don’t care. Hate her. Where is she? Don’t care. Is that her? Oh shoot I need an Altoid. Wait. So don’t care.
Heidi arrives at Hillside Villas bearing yellow roses. It makes me feel sorry for her, because she just doesn’t get it. It’s a nice gesture, but that’s all it is. When Lauren opens the door, Heidi hands them to her and says, “Watch out. They have a couple thorns and they might prick you.” Time for a personality test. Heidi, if you were a flower, what flower would you be? Lauren drops the bouquet on the counter. Heidi follows her in and says, “Well this looks different.” “It is different,” Lauren volleys passive-aggressively. Hey, can this get more awkward? Yes, it can. Heidi says she’s impressed because “you are very clean. Did a maid come?” Lauren says no, Deadrina makes her clean. “Congratulations!” says Heidi, running her finger along the coffee table to check for dust.
How to Apologize and Win Back Friends by Heidi Montag
1) Bring flowers that subconsciously suggest you’re not sorry and verbalize it.
2) Act astonished that things have changed since you left.
3) Insinuate your former friend is a dirty, spoiled slob.
4) Say something encouraging while making an antithetical gesture.
5) Once you have disarmed your opponent/soon-to-be-friend-again, launch rehearsed speech that implies empathy but no responsibility (see below).
Heidi tells Lauren she wants to apologize for how things went the other night, she’s frustrated, and she knows Lauren is too, and “so many he said she said stupid rumors and this and that, and I swear on my life and to god and to everything I really had nothing to do with that.” Thank you! Goodnight!
Lauren doesn’t even take a breath before she asks, “But did Spencer?”
6) Deny, deny, deny.
Heidi doesn’t know. Lauren says she’s lying. Heidi says if he did it, she apologizes on his behalf. (Do I smell controversial book deal?) She can’t control Spencer, and she had nothing to do with it. Lauren’s not accepting the innocent bystander defense and wants Heidi to plead guilty. She even coaxes the admission by telling her that she understands that when you love someone, you want to believe that they are good. The jury nods.
Heidi tries to defend her man by saying he’s not bad, which does not mean he’s pretty good. Lauren says she wishes Heidi knew how bad it was. Her mouth is pressed into that frown you get when you have to talk and you absolutely absolutely cannot cry. Heidi says she wishes she could take it back and does Lauren think she doesn’t miss her as a friend and she didn’t know what was going on. Lauren makes the case that sometimes doing nothing is just as bad. The jury nods.
But Spencer has the high score on Galaga! How can you not respect that?
Our girl gets a little derailed and ventures into melodrama. She asks how someone could hate someone so much they could “literally” make them wish they were dead. That word is troublesome, isn’t it? What does “literally” mean literally? This someone is the person that made calls, made sure everyone knew, “this is the person THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT. ROOOOAAAAAR! I’M A LION, BITCH!”
Somewhere in there, Heidi apologizes repeatedly, with seeming sincerity, but Lauren can’t hear. At the end, Heidi simply says she loves him. It’s not a defense. It is what it is. She loves him. “Good!” says Lauren, which is a little like “You are!” Heidi has given up at this point. She’s not saying he’s an angel, but she’s not saying he did it either. Stand by your man, girl. He’s all you got. She just came over to say she was sorry for all Lauren’s been through and she’s so sorry for things that have happened. What a load of sorry.
Lauren says she appreciates the apology, but she doesn’t. It’s obvious. She’s not ready. She’s still hurt and angry. She doesn’t yet have the contempt and pity she displayed during last season’s Grand Apology by Bunts. The only thing left to do now is to give her prepared speech about the only thing left to do now. “The only thing, really, there is to do is to forgive and forget. (dramatic pause) So I really do: I want to forgive you, (dramatic pause) and I want to forget you.”
It’s well delivered, and it stings. It will also be the featured salutation when Lauren launches her ecard line for Hallmark Spring 2008. It’s called Prose and Conrad. Other sentiments include: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t come to Vegas with us” and “If the shoe fits, pack it up and get your shit out of my apartment” and “Where there’s smoke, there’s your sucky boyfriend.”
“Yep,” says Heidi, picking up her purse. “It was great seeing you, the apartment looks great, and I hope you have a great life. Have a great night, Lauren.” I bet Heidi is really great at Mad Libs. She sees herself out. Lauren presses her hand to her forehead, trying not to cry.