The Hills: The Good, The Bad and The Fired

On tonight’s episode of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer GET ENGAGED!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!

LC brings us up to date on all of the pseudo-dramatic goings-on in Tinseltown in her usual intro recap, completing with a note that Spencer had better be on his best behavior because Heidi has a “very special visitor coming to town.” I’m thinking Aunt Flo?

Heidi approaches Spencer in their Very Special Aryan Kitchen, and I note that they have a gratuitous amount of highlighters in their pencil holder for a couple of people who aren’t in school. And don’t read. Spencer deftly ignores Heidi’s usual yapping by Twittering on his iPhone, that is until Heidi mentions her father is coming to town. “And not my stepdad… like, MY REAL DAD.” I’m going to need a DNA test, please. And perhaps a hooting, hollering audience for the results segment. Evidently the sedate, calm dude who’s always to the left of Darlene is not the male from whose loins Heidi sprang forth into this great world. That gentleman is a gun-totin’ cowboy named Bill, who I imagine lives in the mountains on nothing but baked beans, the quiet vastness of the West and “Brokeback Mountain” fantasies.

Heidi reminds Spencer to be nice (when has that request ever worked for her?) because “you’ve never met a dad like my dad. So just… think about that.” Indeed, Spencer can’t close his mouth for the duration of the segment, further proof that either a) Spencer is shocked, SHOCKED at the information at hand, b) Heidi’s not the only one who can do the Blow-Up Doll Face, or c) Spencer is a total retard. Okay, I’m sorry, that’s a little harsh. c) Spencer is totally brain-dead.

At a video shoot for a lame post-pop-punk band, Blahdrina and Ciara don sunglasses even more unsightly than last week (possible? I thought not, but Blahdrina always manages to impress me) and talk about how awesome it is that the record company released them from their cubicle prison and is now allowing them to interact with “real” musicians. Through a sequence of reaction shots and angles from the back, they overdub some lines about how one time Stephanie and a guy from this band met each other. You hear that? They MET. (Cue “Saved By The Bell” kiss audience.)

Then we’re treated to a super-long sampling of the band’s soon-to-be-hit single, which is so fucking generic they should call it “Naproxen.” Blahdrina sighs that boys in bands are sooo promiscuous and that she would never go out with one (again) because girls just throw themselves at those boys. Way to judge the slutty, Leather Bustier. Just then, Stephanie comes up behind them and throws her arms, as well as the entirety of her coked-out enthusiasm, around Blah and Ciara with a happy hello.

The band finishes their take and comes over to greet Steph, and they bullshit for awhile about Chicago (which is so weird because Stephanie just pretended SHE was in Chicago!) and Stephanie giggles with her arms folded like the awkward self-loather she is. The balding goofball of a lead singer suggests they make plans to hang out over the weekend, to which Steph swoons, “They are SO NICE” as they walk away.

In Santa Monica, the happy couple waits for Heidi’s Real Dad to show up and Heidi claims she’s always been more afraid of her dad than her mom. First of all, that’s terrifying. We all know Darlene knows how to throw the smack down in the name of justice. Secondly, I’m kind of afraid to see a man who can wield his power over a woman like that. I mean, we all know how to wield power over Heidi – just threaten to stop calling her a princess and she’ll break – but Darlene? Yeesh.

In walks Cowboy Bill, who looks pretty much the way you’d expect: like a combination between Jack Palance and the scary old dude from “Home Alone.” And, for a cowboy, not nearly as hot as even a dead Heath Ledger. Spencer hugs the old man, who freezes up as if to say, “Real men don’t hug, they share their flask of whiskey.” Heidi greets her stepmother, Terri, with all of the sincerity of a real estate agent.

Heidi mentions that Spencer is the first boyfriend her father’s ever met. Pssst, Heidi – you’re supposed to give Daddy your first few bonehead boyfriends to rip apart, not the one you claim to want to marry. That’s just throwing a steak to a shark. The four of them sit silently at the table, nodding awkwardly at each other while Cowdaddy waits for Spencer to break. Note: do not play poker with this man. He will crush you.

Bill, in his no-more-than-three-syllables eloquence, brings up the elopement, to which Spencer puts on his best shit-eating grin and blames it on the tequila. I thought there were only three rules to talking to your girlfriend’s father: Don’t talk about getting her drunk, getting her high, or fucking her. I could be making this up but I’m pretty sure it’s written out somewhere. Meanwhile, Terri (who looks an awful lot like Darlene) sits and smiles placidly in silence. Perhaps Darlene was too chatty for Bill?

He asks when the two plan on getting hitched, which Spencer brushes off by saying he had to get Cowdaddy’s permission first. “Yeeeeaaap. My baby,” Bill says wistfully, which is actually really cute for a dad. It’s kind of like he’s accepting with a heavy heart that he’ll have to let his little girl go sometime. Until he adds, “I did bring my shotgun,” which kind of kills the cuteness.

Spencer gulps and goes for the only chance he has left, which is to identify himself with his opponent and highlight a common element they both despise. Ergo: he emphasizes the fact that he and Darlene don’t get along. Because (according to Holly) he reminds Darlene too much of Bill. Hmmm. This tactic seems crazy… just crazy enough to work! Then he brings up a completely unrelated story about punching out some guy (which Spencer lovingly refers to as “massaging his face”). Can anybody help me? Exactly what situation is Spencer referring to? The only fight I remember was with Cameron, but he’s making it sound like it was because he was hitting on Heidi. Have I just been watching so long that I can’t remember basic boring plotlines?

Anyway, this definitely resonates with Cowdaddy and his ultra-macho sensibilities, and he agrees that sometimes you have to do what’s best for your family. And ratings. “That’s the code of the West,” he twangs. Wow, they really pulled this guy off the set of “Legend of Curly’s Gold,” didn’t they? Spencer laughs heartily and says that in that case, “I’ve gotta move to the West!” Ummmmm, where exactly do you think California is? The only place more Western would be in the Pacific Ocean. (For the record, I have no objections to Spencer’s decision to move there.)

Later, Broday and LC meet for one of their famous candlelit platonic dinners to gossip and complain, and Lauren tells Broday about how she has to fire Stephanie at some point during that week. Dude, Kelly Cuntface told you THINK GUILLOTINE! Not years of asbestos poisoning! Just get it over with! This news delights Bro to no end, because now he’s had an official spinoff while Stephanie can’t even hold on to an internship. Brody warns her that this very well may end their friendship. “I know,” LC replies without a trace of emotion.

Blahdrina and Stephanie meet the band boys at a hokey lodge-themed dive bar, complete with taxidermied heads hanging from the wall. The boys say they’ve been enjoying their time in L.A. and ask where the girls live. “In Hollywood,” Stephanie answers with a grimace. Yeah, I wouldn’t admit that either. “Up in the Hills!” Blahdrina adds. Yeah, you know. THE HILLS. Remember the title on your cameo contract?

“We’re gonna come stay at your place,” says Sean, the guitarist on whom Stephanie is crushing. “Yah THERE’S ROOM!” Steph practically shouts, and I wonder if she’s talking about her apartment or her vagina. Blahdrina, who has been uncharacteristically collected and un-clingy all episode, and Chris the Singer get up to go fetch more drinks, leaving hyper Steph and Sean alone together.

Sean starts asking questions about Blahdrina, and I start to worry that he’s going to ditch Steph for Blah. Never fear, he also asks what Steph’s story is. She gets all nervous and begins peppering her sentences with 60% more “like”s than usual. “I’m not, like, I’m, like, dating, but that’s it,” she’s barely able to reply. As a good conversationalist might, she asks him the same.

Eek. I hope your solid something doesn’t watch “The Hills.” On one hand, I applaud him for being relatively honest, especially on national television, but on the other hand, as Stephanie asks him detailed questions, he evades like a motherfucker. Q: “Girlfriend?” A: “Something like that.” Q: “You, like, live with her?” A: “We’ve got a situation going.” Stephanie says that’s crazy and Sean replies with a wink that there’s a lot of temptation on the road. Steph doesn’t get the hint and instead commands him to zip his flirtatious lip.

Blah and Chris return to the table and Steph openly sighs at Blah, eyes closed, mouthing “Omigahhhhhd” as she is wont to do, as her life is so incredibly dramatic. She whispers to Blah that they need to leave immediately. Blah looks at the boys, pauses, and makes an excuse about needing to get up early in the morning. What?? She won’t even bring Steph to the ladies’ room to ask for an explanation? All four look at each other for several seconds, everyone confused except Stephanie, then the girls make their speedy getaway.

Wait, wait, wait a second. Do you mean to tell me that Stephanie got one whiff of the word “something like girlfriend” and couldn’t handle it? She couldn’t even just hang out with BAND GUYS for one night to have a little fun? They probably had coke! She couldn’t just stick it out and at least flirt a little bit for Blahdrina’s sake? You KNOW Blahdrina wanted to get with that weird, shrimpy singer dude. Has Steph never heard of the phrase “taking one for the team?” Furthermore, is this what Stephanie constitutes as drama? Because, if so, she has got a LOT to learn from her fellow Hillsians. Any one of the main girls would have gotten sloppy drunk, fucked that guitarist and allowed the mystery girlfriend to come at her with all the Jager bottles she could carry. THAT’S drama. Silly, ridiculous, scripted drama, but drama nonetheless.

Back in Santa Monica, Spencer has dressed specially for his long walk on the beach with his facial hair idol by tucking in his denim-colored shirt. You git’em, cowboy. They make jokes about seagulls for awhile until Cowdaddy asks what Spencer’s intentions are with his daughter. Do people really talk like this? Spencer replies he’d like to live happily ever after with her. That’s just fine, as long as you realize “happily ever after” means years of couples therapy ending in a painful and costly divorce.

Sweet Cowdaddy explains that he’s very protective of his girl, which makes me say Awwww until he adds, “That’s why God invented Colt .45s.” Dammit, you always ruin the moment with a gun comment, don’tcha? And a bad one, at that. The stupidity of that statement makes me believe he really IS like Spencer. Overall, though, I must say this scene is actually relatively sincere, and I don’t absolutely detest Spencer in it. I fear saying that, but the truth is, he’s at least putting down the antagonist’s sword for a second, and I’ve gotta respect that. Even Cowdaddy gets a little soft, advising Spencer a bit about Darlene, and even says that if Spencer wants to marry Heidi, “I won’t come after you.” Awwwwww. He says that Spencer would be the loser if he lost Heidi, but I’m pretty sure that, together or apart, they can both be losers.

At People’s Revolution, Steph strolls in and says there must have been an accident on the highway because it took her so long to get to work. Sure, perhaps an accident. Perhaps a mishap with your blow drier. She asks how work has been and LC avoids her eyes, reaches for a pen but doesn’t write anything with it, then looks around furtively to make sure everyone is watching what she is about to do.

She says that she needs to talk to Steph about the other day, and that – GOD, WOMAN, don’t you ever wash your FACE???

Jesus, she looks like my Cabbage Patch doll when I used to leave her in the backyard for three days. Anyway, LC explains that in light of the incident, Kelly Cutthroat doesn’t feel that she has “time to train” Stephanie. Hmm, interesting turn of the phrase “you’re a total fuckup.”

Steph gets all weepy and looks like she may hyperventilate. “This is, like, getting fired right now?” Yes, it’s LIKE that, but I dunno if you can call being let go from an internship “fired.” LC promises to help her get another job, but what does she mean, like, spinoff? Because that would last three episodes less than her internship at PR. Stephanie sobs an apology for making LC look bad, and Lauren pooh-poohs it away as her computer dings and she glances at it. I theorize it’s her coworkers IM’ing her mean things to say as she fires Stephanie.

Steph tries to work through the reasoning of why fucking up would mean this kind of consequence instead of the usual reward of a three-episode story arc about drama with her DJ boyfriend. That’s what all the other girls get. “Should I leave right now?” she asks, perhaps a little unsure of what “fired” actually means. LC is all, “Well…. Yeah… I mean, you don’t want to be here if you’re upset.” Or if you’re FIRED.

As Steph is released from responsibility, which was no doubt weighing too heavily on her fur-vested shoulders, LC breaks out her patented Concerned Face, to a ridiculous degree which we’ve been missing for a long, long time.

Some other day, Stephanie meets Heidi for lunch. Heidi sees her future sister-in-law is upset and immediately primps her hair to maximize its shock absorption for whatever news Steph may throw at her. When Steph tells her that LC fired her, Heidi makes a bitchy “What a disloyal hootchie!” face like she always knew LC would pull something like this.

Steph blames it all on Kelly Cutthroat, saying, “She’s, like, a sadist! It’s like this sadistic game she plays to get your friends to fire you.” Sure, the high-powered CEO of a bicoastal PR firm has nothing better to do than to play Puppetmaster with a peon and a sub-peon (intern). Heidi offers her condolences and says she’ll keep her eyes open for opportunities for Stephanie. “Here’s the thing,” Steph interjects. Um, you don’t actually want a job? Nope. The thing is, she has a story about boys. She tells Heidi about her sordid ordeal with those wretched boys from The White Tie Affair (CD out now!) and describes the truth that Sean bestowed upon her as “the gnarliest bomb.” You know what is gnarly, Steph? Every piece of clothing you own. And the fact that you say “gnarly.” That’s gnarly. Stop saying it. I will if you will. Anyway, Heidi is appalled. I mean, like, Blow-Up Doll appalled.

Heidi: NO
Steph: YES
Heidi: NO
Steph: YES
Heidi: NOO
Steph: YESSSS

Really, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like he proposed to her and then she found out he was married or something. Let’s maintain some perspective here. Oh, what am I saying?!

Heidi sighs, “This is so weird, because this is, like, the first good week I’ve had in months.” Annnnnd now Stephanie has ruined that for you? With her pathetic life? Yeah, how selfish of her. Stephanie wonders aloud what this will do to her friendship with LC. I’m guessing she wordlessly jumped back to the fired thing, I can’t imagine the lame boy thing would affect her friendship with LC in any way.

Cut to lunch being had by Lau and Lo. Lau tells Lo about how she reduced Stephanie to a slobbering mess of tears. “She cried??” Lo practically giggles. “In front of the whole office?”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever made someone cry before,” LC says. Ummmm, Jen Bunney? Heidi? I’m sure she made someone from Laguna cry, but it’s been so long since I’ve watched that I’ll have to rely on reader comments to back me up on that one.

Elsewhere some evening, Spencer takes Heidi on a Ferris Wheel despite her objections due to being afraid of heights. A word of advice to my romantic male readers: do NOT take your lady on a Ferris Wheel if she’s afraid of heights. Someone did that to me once and, I assure you, a panic attack is way less romantic than you’d think.

The happy couple hops in and, as they are the only ones on the ride (or even, seemingly, in the park), it starts to feel like the beginning of a great horror film.

Speaking of horror, as they climb to the top, Heidi begins screaming, “Ooooh Spencie! Ooohhh Spencie!” I shudder and pray that they’re not going to start reenacting that roller coaster scene from “Fear.”

They pause at the top and Spencie tells his lady he knows people who run Ferris Wheels. Oooh he’s soooo connected. He tells Heidi about his walk with Cowdaddy and how he requested permission to marry Heidi. She laughs and asks, “Did he cut your throat?” “Actually… he said yes,” Spencer replies.

Heidi is unsure about the prospect of marrying him, because their fake Mexican marriage made everything in their relationship worse. Think of how bad it would be if it were a REAL marriage! Spencer denies this and claims marriage would make their relationship stronger (though I think it’s supposed to be the other way around). Heidi says a lot needs to happen before she’ll marry him, and I wonder if all of the things she lists can be accomplished in the remaining two episodes.

She goes from listing reasonable, mature requests (that he apologize to her mom and LC) to reiterating her desire for a big “princess wedding.” I wonder which is more important to her. He says the only thing missing is… a….. RING! She gasps with delight and he asks her (again) to marry him. “With THIS ring, yes!” she laughs. Ahahahaha, there’s nothing money can’t buy, including a woman’s love and the lowering of her standards for a working relationship!

“This makes up for a lot,” she smiles. Well, at least you’re letting him know how he can solve things the next time he pisses you off. “You’re going to be my HUSBAND!” she squeals. “For EVER and EVER till DEATH do us part, do you hear me? Till DEATH, not divorce do us part!” Then they pause in place, a wacky sitcom tableau of a nagging starlet and her runaround cad of a fiancée. Puke.

AAAAAAND one more time in case you missed the rock.

Oh, and just in case you were worried you’d missed this week’s Style Tip, here it is – red nailpolish: in.

See you on the boards! – xoxOSnapp