We start at the Hillside Villas this week. Deadrina invites Lauren to have drinks with her and Bustin at Bella that night. Before Lauren accepts, she wants to know how things are going beween her and her beret wearing beau. Deadrina doesn’t want to rush anything because she’s never had a boyfriend before. Lauren is shocked by this revelation. “How can you be 22 and never had a boyfriend?” Deadrina smiles her no-upper lip smile and points to herself, “I have commitment issues.” And really, really dead person-like eyes.
LC presses on, “But you’ve had sex right?” Deadrina rolls her eyes like she’s gotta be kidding. And thus we find out that Audrina’s a bit of a slut. Lauren, trying not to be judgmental, looks down at the carpet as she tells Aud that she’s a smart girl and she should “go with her gut, but use her head.” And condoms. Aud noncommittally responds, “We’ll see…”
…if I can keep my eyes open for long enough.
We see Heidi enter The Bolthouse offices and I guess now that she’s pretend engaged, she doesn’t have to try anymore. She’s wearing ripped jeans, a men’s-style button down shirt, and flip-flops. No more thigh-high boots and short shorts. Wait, maybe she’s got to cover up so no one will see her bruises. Her coworker, Elodie, (whose name I’ve never mentioned before because she’s less of a character than a plot construction device, besides it’s such an ugly name, E-LOAD-y), asks Heidi what’s on her finger.
“It’s a splint, I sprained it playing softball with the neighbors. No one grabbed me and twisted my hand so hard it almost snapped,” says Heidi, nervously. Just kidding. Heidi waves her bedazzled hand at Elodie who demands to see the ring up close. “O. M. G-eee-eee,” Elodie sings, which could stand for “Oh my god” or “Ow! Major gaudiness!” By the way, what’s with the initializing phrases on this show? The folks in Hillsworld don’t have large enough vocabularies to need to save time. Heidi launches into the story of How Spencer Didn’t Ask Me to Marry Him But That’s Just Semantics. It was completely unexpected— Elodie interrupts. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” “NO WAY!” says Heidi. “Being with Spencer is like already having a first child. Didn’t I tell you that he spray-painted the walls in our apartment while the babysitter (Brody) was in the other room?”
In the tricky editing of The Hills, the camera is on Heidi’s hand when Elodie asks her point-blank if she’s “fully engaged.” The next shot is of Heidi’s face where she says she feels like she’s about to have a panic attack thinking about a wedding. Not confirmed.
Wait a second, that looks like the ring I pawned when I was late on my Visa bill last month…
Elodie says if she had been asked not to get engaged at Heidi’s age, she would not have been ready. Heidi explains, “The thing is if you meet a Spencer at my age, it’s a whole different thing.” Elodie looks at her skeptically, “Really?!?” She asks. “Yeah,” says Heidi, gazing at her ring. Spencer’s gifts may not be overly sophisticated, but they sure are fun. (According to the Oxford English Dictionary: Spencer, sgl. n. 1. An unstable, self-centered man who slowly isolates a young woman from her friends thus becoming her only source of influence, all the while telling her it’s love. slang 2. A douchebag).
Heidi tells Elodie that Spencer is not only her fiancÃ©, but her soulmate. Man, this is confusing. We know from the tabloids that Speidi are saying they are not engaged, and yet, here’s a ring, a “fiancÃ©,” and a skeptical semi-friend. There’s a Hollywood engagement for ya. Elodie advises Heidi to have a long one, and not to buy a dress anytime soon, which is kind of like saying don’t spend any money on this because eventually you’re going to realize he’s a dick and you’re going to feel retarded when you return the unworn wedding dress to get money for first and last month’s rent on the new apartment you’ll have to get for yourself only to discover the dress costs more than the ring.
A Spencer and Brody wander down the street, window-shopping like the two girls they are. Brody points in the window of a furniture store and tells Spence he needs to buy furniture because his apartment is “janky.” I like Brody’s honesty, especially when he expresses it through urban slang. Mr. Jensen, you are fo’real! They shop for board shorts and Brody inquires how the weekend went. A Spencer waxes on about how he always thought that marriage was the dumbest thing for guys who couldn’t get laid, which doesn’t make any sense, so he goes on to say, “you know? I’ll give you half of everything all you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me.” Yes, A Spencer, that is what marriage is about.
Brody wants to know where the bachelor party is going to be. A Spencer says he’ll throw it for him, since Brody’s the bachelor, not him. A Spencer sure doesn’t have the marriage thing all figured out. Brody laughs at him and tells him it’s sad that he’s not going to be having sex anymore since all the married people he knows don’t get laid. I thought it was funny, too, until my brain handed me a mental picture of Speidi getting down. Eww. Ewwww!
Over at the officecloset at Teen Vogue, LC tells Whitney that she has to third wheel it with Deadrina and Bustin that night. Whitney flares her nostrils in sympathy. Lauren wonders aloud what the appeal is, and Whitney says he’s good-looking, plus with his spokesmodel money from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” he’s doing pretty well for himself. Once LC tells her the Vegas abandonment story, Whitney says things like that are red flags. Well, so are trying to change your name from Justin to Bobby, and not being able to cut your own food in a restaurant. But I guess if you have commitment issues like Deadrina, the more problems a guy has, the easier it will be to break it off. Lauren wants to try to like him because she’s tired of seeming like a bitch who doesn’t want anyone to have a good time. She doesn’t say that last part, but we can see her thinking it.
Heidi arrives home at Chez Janky to discover that A Spencer has purchased an Centipede Arcade machine. Heidi looks hurt and says, “I thought when you called me from the store, we decided on Ms. Pacman!” No, not really. She asks when it’s going back, or at least, if they’re planning to paint over it. A Spencer is offended by her stupidity and points out these are “vintage graphics from 1980.” I don’t think 1980 qualifies as vintage, but it definitely qualifies as janky. They both have to keep ducking under the low hanging chandelier type lamp in the center of the ceiling. You know, the kind of lamp that hangs over a dining room table, A Spencer? Heidi says just that, and he pretends she means they should get a pool table. These are the games you can play, Heidi, when I’m out with my buddies and I lock you in at night. Where should we put the Slip and Slide?
Kill it before it kills you!
Bustin and Deadrina arrive at Bella. Bustin’s sporting a sweatshirt with a hoodie, and Dead remarks he looks “comfy.” Passive-aggressive much? He says he’s been laying around all day, feeling like shit. He could barely hold up the container at his camera shoot and say “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter.” Life is so hard!!! LC shows up, looking gorgeous, and she asks Bustin about his bike and to please be careful with Deadrina. “That’s precious cargo you got there!” Bustin looks at her and burps loudly in response. “I ate too much I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” he says, now not just feeling like shit, but acting like it. Audrina tries to make a joke, but LC isn’t buying. She stirs her drink.
Deadrina puts Lauren on the spot and asks if she thinks Bustin’s a good guy. Sage Lauren says, “You know, it takes more than a couple drinks to tell.” Yep, it takes fights, jealousy, ruined holidays, and missing a trip to Paris. This girl knows. Bustin wants to get the focus off himself and has some questions for LC. She asks him to give her his evaluation. “Don’t you love Lauren?” Deadrina goads. Has she been drinking heavily? First, to put LC on the spot like that, and then to set her up for criticism. I tell you, one or two more episodes before she’s the sucky person. Bustin says, yeah, he’s in love with Lauren, he’s just dating Dead to get to her. It’s uncomfortable and mean, and Aud tells him he’s a $%&ing ass. LC pipes up, “Do you want YOUR evaluation?” Before she can say he can go shove his fake butter up his ass, Bustin quickly replies, “No! I don’t care.” LC smiles sweetly, and counters, “Audrina does.” Because if she doesn’t, off the show, sucky person.
Isn’t he romantic?
Bustin lays out a Hollywood platitude: “It is what it is.” At least he didn’t say, “Everything happens for a reason, ” because I’d be tempted to follow him around town to try to toss a carefully aimed stick into the spokes of his motorbike. As he skids face first down Sunset Blvd., body akimbo, I’d yell, “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW? IT IS WHAT IT IS!”
The next day the girls lay out by the pool. Audrina doesn’t apologize for last night, she just says it was awkward. LC points out it wasn’t nearly as awkward for Aud as it was for her. Working up a little more courage, Dead admits Bustin wasn’t nice. LC agrees, but adds “Sorry,” to soften the realization. Dead even says Bustin was rude and disrespectful. Future Buddhist Nun of America LC asks Aud when she looks at Bustin, does she says to herself, “There’s a gentleman!” Aud says no, but does LC think she should call him? Maybe he had food poisoning and that’s why he was cranky! O.M. G. Really? A. Y. T. S.? (Are you that stupid?) LC asks if she genuinely wants her opinion and Dead admits she doesn’t, so “just leave it.” Lauren presses, “Are you done, a hundred percent done?” Audrina coins a new catch phrase (akin to “Yadayadayada”) by blowing air through her lips, making a soft fart noise. It sounds like “FFFbbbbfffbbb” and that means, “no, but I’m not going to tell you.”
I wonder what Heidi’s doing right now.
Speidi sit on the couch at Chez Janky eating off paper plates and drinking out of plastic cups. When they finish eating, they make a game out of trying to lodge the plates and cups in the chandelier, but one body part has to be touching the couch at all times. No, not really. A Spencer admits that maybe they do need to buy plates and spoons. Heidi blurts hopefully, “And a table?” “A COFFEE table,” says A Spencer, patting her head. He hands her a pill, but as he turns his back, she tosses it behind the Mantis game. “This looks like a fun house!” she says. A Spencer’s eyes dart towards the camera.
Heidi says she told Elodie (Oh, it’s pronounced like “Melody,” without the um, prettiness) about A Spencer’s purchases and that Elodie thought it was weird that Heidi didn’t have a say. A Spencer surreptitiously makes the “cut it” signal to the camera guy by running his index finger across his neck, but they keep rolling. “Yeah, I guess we’re not making these decisions together!” says Heidi, giddy with a thought of, well, not her own, but Elodie’s, which is an improvement. A Spencer changes tactics. “They’re not DECISIONS, they’re SURPRISES,” he says through his clenched teeth. He holds onto the back of the couch so as not to choke her. She continues that it’s stressful. “I love having this power,” he says, grimacing in a way that I believe if Heidi threw water on him he would spawn multiple mogwai.
Who’s this Melody bitch and where does she live?
Lo and LC meet at the overrated Pinkberry, a place that serves frozen yogurt that actually tastes like yogurt, frozen. WTF? Lo loves it so much! She likes Fruity Pebbles on hers! Ick. LC says she’s in a rut, just going to Les Deux very night. BOOOORING! Then she tells Lo about the Bustin/Deadrina tricycle date and how it wasn’t good. If it had been any other guy, she would “have been like, ‘No…’” She trails off, but I like to think the end of that sentence would have been, “. . .burping in someone’s face is not acceptable communication, even if you do grace the cover of romance novels.”
Lauren’s disenchanted enough with Deadrina that she wants to blow off working out with her. “Eat your gross fat-free yogurt and enjoy life,” demands Lo. Luckily, when LC calls Aud, she wants to blow it off, too, because she’s going to see Bustin. LC looks exhausted and defeated. “I can’t do the roommate-with-the-sucky-boyfriend thing again.” Lo agrees. “It didn’t work out so well,” she pronounces. “What if Audrina records a song to a Yaz loop and Bustin raps on it, and we have to pretend at every press conference we never listened to it so we don’t say something mean?”
Bustin shows up to meet Audrina at Charcoal, which a has a lovely view of Jack-in-the-Box from its front windows. He’s wearing a lumberjack punker outfit: plaid shirt, short pants, and doc martens. Nice. Maybe he wasn’t laying around feeling like shit all day. Aud mentions she hasn’t talked to him in a week. He asks her why and she tells him he was grumpy and mean on Friday. No, he says, he felt like shit. So what’s your excuse now? she asks. No, not really. He says some vague things about things, emphasizing that he really doesn’t care about anything, and she says maybe they are better off as friends. He says more bullshit about bullshit, finally ending with, “Truth and tIme tells all, ” which is, coincidentally, the name of his book of haikus, coming out this fall on HarperCollins. They toast to their mutual fear of commitment.
We’re still gonna bone, right?
And then, something beautiful happens. At Chez Janky, we see Heidi painting over the Hollywood mural with white paint. A Spencer comes home and when he sees what she’s doing, he poses in the classic “I’m not going to hit you” stance by pressing his palms together in a praying motion. “SURPRISE!” yells Heidi. “I have a surprise for you!” A Spencer is creepily mad. He asks her if she kidding, he calls the wall “boring.” Heidi sticks to her guns. “We can decide what to do with this wall together,” she reads from a piece of paper that has a speech Elodie wrote out for her.
A Spencer turns to her and smiles sweetly. “I totally agree,” he says, turning creepy up to sinister. “From now on, we make decisions together,” she tells him. A Spencer’s face is frozen in a grimace, his yellow skin turning pale. “So this is what it is,” Heidi says, leaving the room. He repeats that, and employs another “I’m not going to hit you” tactic by clapping maniacally. As we wind down this week, A Spencer picks up the roller and finishes painting Heidi’s first win.