The HILLS: VEGASSHOLES and “BITCH, YOU BEST NOT BE PREGNANT.”

Stacie, I never knew you felt that way…

This week on the Hills, we take it to the streets…the streets of Vegas, so that Kristin can get Justin out of her heart and…back into her bed? WHA? Crazytown. But even better, Paul Bunyan gives his expert advice on knowing if a girl is or isn’t preggers. Without one of those pesky, expensive sticks you pee on!

hey Bitches and the rest-

Man, my turkey day was busy, so I didn’t have much time to recap the boredom, gouge my eyes out half-hour that is this ridiculous show. Right? I had tons of turkey to kill, cook and eat for my friends and family. Did I mention that I made my own cranberry sauce, by scaring the cranberries off the bush with a show of my ample pectorals? Well, I guess I just did. Consider yourself a lucky listener.

Oh, okay- so here’s the snatch sitch so far….Kristin and Stacie McSkank are en route to vegas, after Kristin gets a slap in her face by the big, douchey hands of Broahday and Justin Gross-a-lot.

Everyone knows all the QUALITY guys live in vegas.

Stacie is happy because she gets more airtime.

And I’m also not the ugliest cast member on the show! Wohoo!

Kirstin asks what the chances are that both her and Stacie hook up with someone. Kristin, master mathematician and statistical fellow, says Stacie, 90%. What? have you seen your friend stacy lately? She’s more cro-magnon than troll, and is always eating away at your fat-free yogurt. Nobody likes a yogurt-eater hanger-on, not even vegas skanks. Am I right?

Still, she must really boost Kristin’s self esteem, being ugly while at the same time being supportive.

So, I guess the whole plan is to be ultra-skanky. Man, listening to Stacie is like listening to a really slow-talking, raspy-voiced retard. WE’RE IN VEGAS! (if you don’t know what to say, just shout that shit OUT!)

After a heartburn commercial….

Back in the shithole, rotting heart of hollywood.

Man or Woman? You decide.

Douches Spencer and Paul Bunyon watching a Mexican dude wash their vintage cars. And, talking about clubbing. And, Spencer’s best day married, where his wife is the ultimate subservient and thanks god for her outfit. Remember that? Yeah, that was funny.

Paul Bunyon, genious douchenozzle, clues Spencer into the hamfisted fact that what…she just might be wanting to carry his seed to gestation.

WHA? That’s almost as disgusting as a vast-vasss-vasetectomy. Or whatever that shit was!

Paul Bunyon, or should I say, DOCTOR PAUL BUNYON, clues spencer into ways he can tell if his bitch be wanting kidz. I only assume he knows this because, you know, girls do this ALL THE TIME. God, this show is terrible.

PAUL BUNYON’S RULES TO SEE IF A BITCH IS PREGNANT:

1. Put some wine in front of that cunt. Then, she if she drinks it. If she doesn’t, she is probably pregnant.

2. Take that bitch out for SUSH (SHORT FOR SUSHI, and much simpler to say) and see if that bitch be eatin’ shellfish. If she isn’t, she’s fucking gonna have your motherfucking baby.

Oh wait, Paul Bunyon doesn’t have first hand experience, per say, but he did jack off to a couple post-coitus birth-increasing youtube videos. What the fuck is with these people?

3. If your bitch cunt does acrobatics (you know, ballerina shit) she’s definitely pregnant.

OH Paul Bunyon, I know you miss the good old days where you just worry about your car and giving that hideous mustache a good trim. But, of course, life is complex.

4. Oh yeah, also, Paul Bunyan doesn’t do seat belts. Why? Seat belts also get bitches pregnant. No, that wasn’t information from a Youtube video, it was like, something someone’s mom said to me in middle school. Yeah, cunt.

Thanks for the help, Dr. B. Now go fuck yourself.

In Vegassholeville…

Stacie and Kristin share some champagne and talk about clothes. And YES, Stacie, everything you wear does look like baby clothes, if that baby had 12 STDs and was a checkout girl at forever 21 while waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail.

Kristin just looks like a straight-up hooker.

No, anal sex is OFF the menu. But everyone has their price…

They bitch more about wearing similar, ugly-ass shit to go tramp around in, and then giggle a lot.

Back in LA, it’s date night at a SUSH restaurant/Paul Bunyan’s crucial checkpoint-to-see-if-a-bitch-be-preggo night.

At the restaurant….

1. THAT BITCH DON’T DRINK. PREGNANT.

2. THAT BITCH DON’T ENJOY SHELLFISH. PREGNANT.

3. THAT BITCH OWN A RIBBON DANCER. OHHHH SHIT!

Then, they talk about how much HBUD likes Enzo. Spencer, in a blatantly suspicious manner, proposes a toast to trust. Wow, this marriage? Awesomely terrible.

Bitch, you best not be pregnant.

Back in Vegbutthole, the leather jacket gang enjoys the douche renaissance that is the Vegas club scene.

I guess it’s too early for us to make out.

But just their luck, two douchebags approach.

THe boys start off the banter with a general review of current events. And by current events, I mean they make a lame joke about one of the dudes being a back up dancer for the backstreet boys. Oh, and they’re Rhodes scholars, the both of them. See? That was ME making a joke! Jokes abound here in Vegassholeland.

Kristin isn’t having it. What, she makes a motion that she wants to shoot herself?

I guess Kristin and I finally have something in common.

In her usual monotone, boring vocalization, Kristin “spills her heart” to Justin’s answering machine. Yeah, and it’s littered with a lot of “I don’t knows” and “whatevers.”

Man, that Prilosec commercial came just in time.

The next morning, Krisin and Stacie look almost the same only with less eye makeup.

and a lot less self-respect.

Also, is she topless?

Mayyyybeee….

THen Justin comes out in a towel. It SHOULD be uncomfortable for Stacie, but this shit is all staged. AND NO- we will not be seeing a pic of Justin in a towel, for fear of infection.

In La La land o’ Fakes, Blah Dead meats Derek. yeah, that’s another double entendre from YOURS TRULY! A little info about Blah Dead’s sister having a kid (ohhh, jealous, HBUD?) and then she rehashes her talk with Justin. Derek tells Blah Dead that Justin is in vegas, shtupping the blond with the evil glint in her eyes. Blah Dead swears her and Justin are over. OVER!

Back in vegas, the three do what they do best: drink and talk about boring ass shit. Oh wait, Kristin wants to go to a strip club. Ok…Justin seems about as enthusiastic as a tin can.

And I smell like one, too.

Then, Kirstin asks if Justin woudl ever drive to Vegas for Audrina? Wow, it really seems like Kristin wants Blah Dead more than this douche. They talk for a while, and I forgot- Stacie is still there. Jesus. VEGASSSS!

At the Strip Club, Stacie gets some odd looking panties (or a chefs hat, or a paper napkin) to wear for the occasion.

Yay, HANES! VEGAS!

After a couple lap dances, Kristin and Stacie feel like they’ve been trumped in the skank department…until, they awkwardly kiss.

Gross.

Thank god, another prilosec commercial.

In Spencer’s douche-dungeon, he finds what…? A first response box! Immediately, he calls over his best Bro PAUL BUNYON. Of course, he’s freaked…mostly just thinking that if HBUD has a kid, it will grow up to destroy him. Yeah, you know, that’s valid.

Then Spence rants about not being on a male birth control pill. Then, in a moment of calrity, PAUL BUNYON says TALK TO HEIDI. Wow, sanity in insanity?

And why the FUCK does PAUL BUNYON have a book of baby names at home? Jack off time, again, but this time not to Youtube videos, but the “M” section of girls names.

mmmm…Mackenzie…Maribeth…Monikah…

Another vegas morning, where Kristin and Justin are looking fab. They talk about some stripper *bleeping* on Kristin…cumming? I will just assume the stripper took a massive dump on her and called the whole thing a night. Well, that’s what I would do.

But Justin isn’t sweet or anything for coming to vegas, btw. When Kristin asks him what’s up with them, he is still gloriously ambiguous. Thanks, Justin.

This Busch Lite will ease my pain…

Next time, on the SEASON FINALE….

Spence is still shitting his pants over possible pregnancy. Kristin is Kristin, while Justin is justin is maybe wants Kristin and Kristin and maybe Broahday? And, the rest are boring and ugly. Yay!