We all wondered what was going to happen after Speidi drove away in the UHaul last season. Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait for MTV. Those crazy kids on The Hills have been getting themselves lots of press. Jason is an angry racist drunk with a record, Heidi got a new nose and some boobs, Lauren is rumored to have a sex tape and an unbearably vulgar nickname, and Spencer is a shockingly immature blogger. But what we still don’t know is: are Lauren and Heidi ever going to be BEST FRIENDS again?
We start this season with a direct hit. Lauren and Whitney catch up in their Teen Vogue officecloset. Lauren is wearing an awesome dress, as usual. Whitney has been promoted at work. I hope Lauren promotes her in friendship, too. She has always been sweet and tactful. Lauren informs Whitney (who apparently has been somewhere without TVs, computers, or magazines– in a coma? a bomb shelter? a kibbutz?) that people had been telling her “really like rude, horrible rumors” that ended up on the internet, thereby getting back to her parents.
Internet? Videos? I haven’t heard a thing!
Whitney asks what the rumors are and Lauren says they’re that she and Jason made “inappropriate video tapes.” She stops there. What? That’s it? What’s so bad about people thinking you and your boyfriend taped yourselves getting sexy? Your theme song urges you to “release your inhibitions!” Come on, LC. That’s what got to you? What about The Nickname That Shall Not Be Named? That’s the thing that would get me. It gets me every time I read it. For those of you who don’t know what The Nickname That Shall Not Be Named is, I’ll put it to you this way: there was a girl in my high school who had an unfortunate birthmark on her neck and the kids called her “Shitneck.” LC’s nickname is way, way, way worse than that. Whitney pauses for a moment. “Have you heard from Heidi lately?” she asks with sweetness and tact.
And we’re off. Today is, indeed, where our book begins. The new opening shows Audrina and Whitney as Lauren’s new BEST FRIENDS. Heidi is relegated to fourth place, but then we get our first shot of her new nose. Ooooooh! It looks like she put a clothespin on her old nose for a while and then took it off. Oh, Heidi! I liked your old fat nose! It was cute and it fit your face! Now you look like one of Kelsey Grammar’s wives. Boo.
Hey! Give Lilith her nose back!
Heidi is sitting on the couch in her new home when Spencer comes in with delivery men. “DId you get the TVs?” Heidi asks. Nope, Spence bought a jelly aquarium. “What? I didn’t even know you were looking for a fish tank,” she says. Uh oh. Making large purchases without consulting your partner. Then Spencer does one of his “I love you because I hate you” maneuvers by saying to Heidi in a complimentary tone: “Are you working on invites? Look at you!” and then he hugs her.
She proudly points out her guest list for their house warming party, which Spencer undermines. “A guest–? I don’t think we have a guest list. Because I invite friends who tell friends friends friends friends friends friends.” So Grandma Pratt isn’t getting an invitation? He names off his dudebrood and asks Heidi who she’s inviting. Heidi, sounding hopeful, says Audrina, Lauren, and Whitney. “Uh, we’ll see if we can get them on the list,” Spencer says, meanly, and laughs. Heidi’s expression is hurt and puzzled, as if she’s trying to figure out why she doesn’t feel good. Is your nose too small now to detect when you are standing in a room with a piece of crap?
Must be the fish tank.
Heidi visits Audrina at Epic to deliver her invitations to the house warming party. I guess none of Spencer’s friends friends friends friends reach to Audrina and Lauren. It’s terribly awkward because Audrina acts unenthused and noncommittal. As Heidi catwalk stomps away, Audrina runs to the intern to tell her what just happened. Very naturally, she reiterates the plot line about the rumors. She says that they heard Speidi were spreading “mean, mean things” about Lauren, also avoiding The Nickname That Shall Not Be Named and focusing on the sex tape issue. Heidi’s big offense appears to be that she hasn’t called Lauren since she moved out, not even when the rumors were flying. “We don’t have any proof,” Audrina admits, but the lack of concern on Heidi’s part seems to have made her Hatemonger Suspect #1.
Lauren and Whitney discuss Heidi’s audacity. She invited them to a party! None of them plan to attend. Instead, they talk about going to Les Deux that night because Lauren always meets cute boys there. Later at the club, a tipsy LC drags a guy over to her clique and introduces him to Audrina: “I just found an adorable boy…from London…with an accent…who’s leaving tomorrow. Jackpot.” And he hasn’t read the blogs!
It’s not polite to call your steak out on being a piece of meat before you eat it.
Spencer and Heidi’s house warming party is in full swing. We don’t know any of the guests there except Brody Jenner. Neither does Heidi. The doorbell rings and there, in all her botched-nose-job sycophantic splendor, is Jen Bunney Jenner! Heidi smothers JBJ in a hug so hard and long that the Shunned One is dizzy with gratefulness. She didn’t even notice Heidi reattaching the marionette strings.
Back at the club, LC is text messaging. Jack Pot says something about how all Americans email constantly. This delights our drunken heroine. “American?” she slurs in a bad British accent. “Am I ‘American’?” I adore LC, but she’s being retarded. Whitney arrives and sits next to Lauren. Here’s one of my favorite moments ever. Lauren asks Whitney to tell her if Jack Pot is cute because she’s to drunk to be sure. Jack turns toward them just at that moment and Whitney, without hesitation says, “No.” HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Heidi and JBJ have a heart-to-heart on the patio. JBJ says she’s totally focused on her real friendships right now, which has left her with nothing to do. She was so happy when her Master Puppeteer called. Heidi says she’s glad Bunney is part of her fresh start because she made her a new costume. It has light brown hair, a sun dress, and a name tag that reads “LC.”
The next morning, Lauren and Audrina laze on the couch complaining about their hangovers, vowing not to start so early next time. Audrina stayed out until 6 in the morning making out with some guy named Justin. Aud has to inform Lauren that she made out with Jack Pot “more than once.” “No!” cries LC, surprised. They both giggle.
Back at Speidi’s place, there’s a curious tone in the air. Their conversations are so exposition heavy it’s as if Speidi are prepped by the producers as to what the plot lines of the show are. No way. That’s crazy talk. Heidi’s sad Lauren and Audrina didn’t come to the house party, but maybe they’ll be at this other club party tonight. Maybe. I guess we’ll have to see what happens at Le Deux, which is apparently the only club in town. Heidi gets dressed and Spence approves her accessories, whistling and swirling his finger at her to turn, the same way in which you would signal a trained dog to roll over and play dead. Then she tries on some shoes for him.
Do you like this pair? They’re new!
He does another “I make you feel bad about yourself because I love you” maneuver by wondering aloud if Lauren and Audrina will show up at the party, a birthday gathering of someone they’ve known for three months, when they wouldn’t show up for Heidi when they’re supposed to be BEST FRIENDS. She helps him on with his jacket, and he says lovingly, “You come in handy so often these days.” You gotta hand it to the guy. He’s consistent.
Of course, Lauren and Audrina are at the club party when Speidi arrive. Heidi has prepared a letter for Lauren regarding her feelings about her no-show . Then Heidi yells “Frankie’s Birthday!” and does that dance move she always does where it looks she has a pretend noise maker in her hand. Lauren stares at her without expression until Heidi gets that insecure look that creeps from the bottom of the face upward. Heidi is manipulative, and she, or more likely Spencer, probably did spread those rumors, but I still hate it when girls give each other what I call The Freeze. I’ve never seen Heidi look so insecure so often as in this episode.
Lauren leaves the table in disgust. Heidi leans into Audrina and tries to pump her for information as to why Lauren is so upset with her. Audrina won’t give it up, and it truly seems like Heidi has no clue that the rumors are the issue. I don’t know if she said things and doesn’t remember, or she doesn’t think they would ever find out, but both Lauren and Audrina think she knows what she did. They lock themselves in the bathroom to read her letter. It is very nice and non-accusatory. However, she’s written this incriminating line: ” I know you don’t like Spencer, but I didn’t do anything.” Lauren says, “She won’t fucking admit it.” I’ve never liked Heidi, but there’s nothing worse than a group of friends turning on one without explanation. Maybe she deserves it, but all these girls need to grow up.
Someone’s been playing too much Grand Theft Auto.
Spencer, ever the supportive advisor, encourages Heidi to “roll up” on Lauren and confront her. So she does. Audrina tells her she’s a different person than she used to be. Lauren puts her hand in front of Heidi’s face and says they’re not friends and she doesn’t ever, ever want to talk to her again. It escalates to them yelling at each other about how they’re both sad and pathetic and finally Heidi asks, “What did I do?” Lauren yells “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” Heidi doesn’t. Audrina, apparently exacting revenge for Heidi’s 21st birthday blow off, tells Heidi she’s crazy and brainwashed. Lauren leans and and says, “What did you do? What did you do? You started a sick little rumor about me!” She doesn’t say what the rumor is and I’m telling you, this is about The Nickname That Shall Not Be Named, not the sex tape. Heidi denies spreading any rumors. LC and Audrina deliver some parting shots and then reconvene with other friends where they rip Heidi to shreds. Spencer’s almost got Heidi in full isolation. What a wonderful boyfriend.
The next day, Heidi tells her coworker about the confrontation. Her rendition is true to what happened. The pal is horrified and asks her what she’s going to do. Heidi doesn’t say, “Fuck her if she can’t take a joke.” She says,”I don’t know, I guess we’re not really friends. . .? I don’t know.”
Meanwhile, Lauren shows up at work in another adorable sun dress and tells Whitney about the confrontation the night before. When Lauren says that Heidi didn’t understand why she was mad, Whitney asks, “W.T.F.?” Oh, Whitney, you’re killing me tonight. Whitney notes that, “Lately, or ever since I’ve known you, it’s been really difficult with friends, that you’ve had a lot of problems with friends.” Well observed, Whit, but better ignored, LC. Lauren responds that her friends are Lo who’s moved back, Whitney at work, and Audrina in her apartment. All bases covered. Then she says she feels like one of her friends has died. Whitney thinks maybe she’s better off. “I am so far,” says Lauren, simply.
Are you sure about that?
Cue the acoustic version of Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” and that concludes the episode. Feel the rain on your skin (no one else, no one else) or stand underneath the umbrella (you and me together)? Hard to tell on this one tonight.