The Hills: Why Does Anybody Still Barbecue In L.A.?

“So, here we are, frenemies.”

This week on “The Hills,” nobody is dating anybody, LC doesn’t care, and Heidi is in perfect mental health. Yeah right! Join me, won’t you, to find out which blonde ends up with the sunlight streaming through her golden tresses as she sobs silently by the end of the half hour! Welcome to The Hills, betches!After a “last time” that sounds like an entry from a ten-year-old’s diary hidden beneath her four-poster canopy princess bed, we meet LC and Whitney half-heartedly working out at the gym. LC’s silent trainer looks likewise bored, holding his hands up and rolling his eyes while LC throws “punches” at him and Whitney plays with barbells on the floor. LC fills Whit in on the Steph/Duhg situation (I’m pretty sure Whitney’s the only person in L.A. that Blahdrina didn’t talk to about the whole thing) and asks, “Stephanie PRATT and Duhg??” No, Princess Stephanie of Monaco.

“Sure this is fun, but I’d really rather be twirling my hair in front of Duhg.”

“And that’s the guy that you dated?” asks trainer hunk out of nowhere. Listen honey, if we wanted you to talk, we’d be giving you 35K per episode by now, so shut it and get LC skinnier, mmmkay? Let her get her symbolic boxing exercise in while she’s talking about her former bestie.

“Let’s go to Jazzercise next.”

At Fit’Em, legions of girls loll about, preparing for their futures by chatting on their cell phones and avoiding responsibility. LC is among them, happily texting until Stephanie (Pratt, not Princess) comes bopping along. Stephanie compliments her on… being pink? I’m not sure if that’s a jab at her slight drop in tan from being in Europe or what, but LC just half-smiles and nods, staring off into space. Perhaps she’s figuring out how to confront Steph. Or perhaps she’s thinking about tacos. Either way, Steph responds in kind by displaying her finest Distressed Baby face.

“Totes goo goo, and a li’l bit of ga ga.”

LC takes the Leno/Hugh Grant route and asks Stephanie point-blank what the hell she’s doing with Duhg. Stephanie sputters, “I… just like… He just like… came out of left field and… totally took advantage of…” Of what? Of your complete disloyalty and lack of self-control? “…. uh, using me to get back at you…” she continues. You know, with this bit of rhetorical logic, Stephanie might just have a shot at becoming our next vice president.

“I’m not gonna call him back. Obviously,” she says, raising her eyebrows as though to complete her thought, “… now that you clearly have a problem with it.” She tries to change the subject by asking LC if she’s going to a party the next night at… Duhg’s house. Good job, Sparky. LC questions her motives in attending the party, but Steph assures her she said she’d go way back before she was even friends with Duhg. “Oh.” LC looks confused, staring into nothingness for a good five seconds, and I wish she’d stop trying to think so hard all the time. THEY’RE BONING. Just accept it.

“K, but what am I supposed to do about this mustache?”

*shudder* “I dunno, but the real tragedy is that guy wearing chinos over yonder.”

At the Heidi/Spencer House Of Emptiness, Holly and Heidi are making cupcakes for Heidi’s birthday. Damn, that just sounds like a scene out of a second grader’s coloring book. But only if the second grader only had yellow, beige, and black to work with. Ooohh, and sparkly silver. Holls sings that she has a surprise for Heidi, a birthday present! “Is it, like, a thing?” Heidi is beginning to say when the door knocks. Well, it can’t be a place, so that narrows the choices down to person or thing in the realm of birthday present nouns. I have my money on a life-size wax replica of David Hasselhoff when Heidi opens the door to find – shock of shocks! – her mom! This is sure to please the king of the household.

“How many goddamn tampons must a man deal with in his own home?!”

Heidi squeals about how happy she is, a little too preparedly if you ask me, while Spencer, true to form, grumbles in sarcasm. Darlene firmly purses her lips closed while she begrudgingly hugs Spencer, and tells Heidi all she wants to do while she’s in L.A. is hang out with her. And maybe get one of those maps to the stars’ homes. But doesn’t she know that Heidi is booked solid with days of trying to repair her tenuous relationship with Spencer, WHILE trying to make a career with Bolthouse AND fitting in at least thirteen US Weekly photo shoots with her beau per week? Jesus, Mom.

I’d like to get a life-sized replica of Spencer for my living room. That’ll scare off the neighbors.

Heidi breaks it to her that Spencer is living with her again. “She didn’t know that?!” Spencer giggles, rubbing his hands maniacally and relishing in the potential drama. “Well, I wasn’t just going to tell you over the phone,” Heidi explains to her mom. Hmmm, why not? Because you know they hate him? Because if you told them, Daddy’d be blazing a trail from Colorado with a shotgun and a bullet with Spencer’s name engraved upon it?

“I just don’t know how you read your cue cards all the way up on that ceiling.”

Darlene sighs her disappointment in having to find out from Holls. “It’s not easy for me to hide – er, I mean, not “hide” -” Heidi stammers. “I just don’t want you to judge me!” Atta girl! Way to transfer blame. Spencer’s taught you well.

“Because, unfortunately, this oddly rectangular face is CONSTANTLY JUDGED.”

Meanwhile, Spencer sits in the corner, watching the whole thing go down with a big smile on his face. I kid you not! He is absolutely delighted by the entire exchange and maybe craving some popcorn.

“Whoooooey! This is more entertaining than 24!”

Darlene accuses Heidi of hiding Spencer from her, but really, would you trust either of these two jackasses?

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Stoned

Stephanie and Duhg are meeting up for another romantic dinner at Bella. Apparently, Duhg is very fond of wooing girls at eateries with names that translate into basic Italian phrases. “So, what do we do?” Steph wonders aloud. Well, you could start with bleaching your upper lip.

“But it’s almost at Level Conrad!”

Duhg, suddenly a cocky bastard, swills his beer and says he’ll back Steph up and tell LC to step off. “Boom. Be quiet,” he swaggers. He commands her to come to his party and suddenly I’m wondering why he thinks banging the Wicked Witch of the OC will make LC jealous.

Note to Bella: IMPROVE LIGHTING.

Stephanie frets about Frankie and Brody, then tries to get Duhg to role-play possible scenarios in which LC could confront them so they’ll have something to say. Duhg doesn’t really give a shit about what everybody else says (how very Montague of him!) and tells her to chillax.

“But if we do role-play, could you be LC? And I’ll just be me.”

He asks what she’s doing after he finishes this last gulp (why do they always ask this? WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING AFTER THIS.) and she points at him. How brazen. “Movie night or DVD night?” Duhg prompts. “DVD night,” she purrs, and I shudder while corny music plays in the background and I picture them watching Debbie Does Dallas together… on DVD of course.

Later, in the light of day, MTV fills us with stock shots of faceless Los Angelicans, and I’m SO SURE that I’ve already seen this shot before and made a joke about it being the L.A. uniform or something. If you can find it in the TVGasm archives… well, you’re an even bigger fan than my mom. And that’s saying something.

It’s like “Where’s Waldo,” but with cooters.

ANYWAY. At People’s Revolution, Whitney is verifying that all is well with Stephanie, though it doesn’t look that way when LC reacts by twitching and focusing on a Steno notepad full of doodles. Some typically sloppy audio editing completes the gossip circle, then LC asks if Whitney’s coming to the BBQ. Jesus, does Whitney even know Duhg? Actually, no. LC informs Whit that she’s totally gonna hate him. Well, I think as any girlfriend can attest, sometimes you just need a friend to meet your former douchebag so you’ll have even more to gossip about.

“That’s why you HAVE to meet this guy who took me to the 8th grade dance.”

“He’s not worth it to me to fight a friend over, but apparently he was worth it to her,” LC says in her characteristically over-written wise manner. True… or maybe she just reeeeeallly wanted to get laid. It’s kind of a toss-up.

On a hill overlooking Los Angeles, three jet-black SUVs are parked outside of Duhg’s house and I wonder how many Secret Service agents a minor-league ball player actually needs. He’s gabbing to Broday about how he just wants to be friends with Stephanie, but she’s all over his jock. Wai-wha-huh??? That’s not how it seemed when they were perusing the adult section of Blockbuster last night! As proof of Stephanie’s uncontrollable horniness, Duhg shows Brody some texts from the Ms. herself.

“Yikes, how did she get this photo from THAT angle?”

Duhg says he just felt bad for her in Vegas, so now he’s trying to be her friend but blowing it way out of proportion. Well, she’s blowing something, I’ll tell ya that. Perhaps it was the charming winks, and the taking her out for drinks, and the vaginal penetration that led her to think they were an item. Silly girl.

Meanwhile, Spencer is taking Darlene out for lunch in which there will be a battle of wits and only one will emerge with the ultimate prize, the remote to Heidi’s brain. It’s kind of like that scene in “Princess Bride” but with a way less hot Dread Pirate Roberts.

Uh-oh. Cougar alert.

“Heidi said you were dreamy… but not THIS dreamy!”

Darlene tells Spence it was nice of him to let Holly stay at their place while she gets on her feet, clearly leading him into a trap. “It was nice of HEIDI,” Spencer corrects, deftly avoiding any uncomfortable confrontation due to the fact that he’s an asshole. He just puts it right out there. Darlene harps on him, swingin’ her hair and making logical points just like all the annoying women in his life. He insists that all Holly wants to do is get him out so she can live with Heidi herself. “Well, maybe that’s not such a bad idea,” says Darlene.

“One thing I love about Heidi is that she doesn’t have to call her mom to get approval,” Spencer says. Yeah, I guess I would love that about someone too if I was a manipulative jerk – no permission slips to send home. Unable to reason anymore, the two of them resort to trading insinuative head jerks – to the death!

“?”

“!!!”

“…”

To Darlene’s credit, she outright calls Spencer controlling, manipulative, condescending and rude. This gives her exactly three points over Lynn Spears in the active mothering department. Let’s just hope Heidi doesn’t start hurling umbrellas at the paparazzi any time soon or they might even up.

At Duhg’s party…. what the fuck is up with Homeless Joe?

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Also, we’re informed by a montage of titled shots that EVERYONE is at this shindig. Including Stephanie, who has yet to be promoted from “Spencer’s Sister” up to anything at all – “LC’s Friend,” perhaps, or “Duhg’s Fuckbuddy,” or even “Resident Ex-Con.” She looks uncomfortable. Or should I say, she looks as comfortable as anybody who’s losing the only decent friend they’ve ever had for a guy who doesn’t even like her would be.

LC and Whit lounge around and muse on the travesty that is the fact that Lauren’s “kissed” (ahem, that’s kind, isn’t it?) two out of the three homeboys trading trucker hat tips (Brody, Duhg and Frankie). Meanwhile, Blahdrina whips out her double sack o’ silicone.

“I’ll be damned if those blondes show me up one more time!”

Whitney’s in the middle of complaining about the heat when they accidentally catch the wave of the day.

“Well, it’s less bad than that bukaki party we went to last week.”

Yet every spill has its price.

Way to completely prove LC right about you, Duhg. He tries to apologize to Whitney, and she responds by giggling, “I don’t even know you! But I don’t want to!” Tee-hee, isn’t passive aggression fun?

Stephanie moves from corner to corner by herself, catching the sun’s rays in complete solitude. Though I’ve gotta say, she’s really angling for that crotch shot at stardom.

STEPHANIE: This is DUHG’s house, not your gynecologist’s office.

All ears perk up around the house as Brody makes his way over to her. He accuses her of having nerve. Honey, if nerve were an arrestable offense, I’d have racked up fourteen consecutive life sentences by the time I turned twelve. Give her one harder. They trade he said/she said jabs about the nature of her relationship with Duhg and Stephanie somehow claims she never tried to date him.

Meanwhile, Blahdrina tries to get her trichotillomania under control.

“What the hell is happenink over there?”

You know when you’re like 13 and your mom takes you shopping and then you have lunch together and you talk about the first time you get your period? That’s what’s happening with the Montag ladies, sans Holly. And all the niceties. Heidi sighs about how nice it is to have lunch with her mom when usually she is so busy with work and balancing Spencer and Holly. Good Lord, life sounds tough for her! Wherever does she find the time for those necessary highlights/lowlights/collagen injections?

Heidi explains the situation as not wanting everyone’s input on her life. Darlene makes the absolutely fair assertion that she’s not “everybody,” she’s her MOTHER, GODDAMMIT! Heidi whines that she was sick of always seeking her mom’s approval, while Darlene counters that now she only cares about Spencer’s. A thousand wise girls inexplicably addicted to this show around the country scream “Hell yeah!” in unison.

“But don’t try to tell me my new nose isn’t AWESOME!”

The funny thing is that now if Heidi listens to her Mom, she’ll just be HER puppet again. She really can’t win unless she sequesters herself to a desert island. Darlene notes that Spencer is rude and condescending and doesn’t want her to be close to her family. Heidi asks her politely to not be silly. Mom points out that before Spencer, they never used to fight like this, and to that Heidi has no answer, only the sadly vacant eyes of a woman oppressed, abused and isolated by her lover. Or of a robot.

“RESPONSE QUEUE EMPTY”

Then Darlene pulls out her last ace. SHE CRIES. There is no weapon on earth that can compare to a mother’s helpless tears. Just try to be heartless and unfeeling while you watch your mother cry, I dare you! If you succeed, well… you’re probably Spencer.

In reality, this would work. In Reality TV, it’s just good for ratings.

I don’t think this is totally scripted, because I’m relatively sure Darlene has little to no interest in being a major figure on a reality show. I’m assuming she agreed to be on because she saw what was happening to her daughter and figured public humiliation was her best bet. She tells Heidi that maybe she’s being too controlling, but she doesn’t want to lose her to Spencer. See, that’s the difference – the thought would never occur to Spence that he was being controlling.

It’s hard to follow up a scene like that. There’s only one cure, and it’s not more cowbell. It’s a shadow study of Duhg.

This should totally be the official flag of “The Hills.”

In the shrine-to-himself bedroom of the great Duhg, Stephanie takes a seat on the bed (how tame of her) and looks like she might resort to desperate measures at any moment.

DO IT. Break that picture, throw it on the ground and stomp on it, DO IT!!!

Outside, among a slew of very classy black leather patio furniture, Duhg contends that he is not to blame for anything, he wasn’t even trying to hook up with her! He was just trying to be nice because “she’s like a lost puppy.” Wow. Good thing Stephanie’s not in the room. No, she’s in his bedroom, where she’s listening to every word out the window.

“They really shouldn’t talk about Lo that way.”

That seems weird to me. Granted, I’ve never been to Duhg’s house, but something about the geography of the place seems like his room wouldn’t be there. And that makes me think they just shot Stephanie doing a series of “tragic reaction shots,” which would make a pretty hilarious outtakes reel. He hollers on for a good couple of minutes defending himself, which is exactly what LC calls him out on – his defensiveness. “You’re, like, my ex-fling!” he shouts. Something tells me Duhg’s been hittin’ the Pool Party Punch a little hard.

LC squeals, laughs, and exits immediately. Broday accuses him of lying to the homies. I think he should confiscate Duhg’s homeboy phone immediately. On her way out, LC runs into Stephanie and promptly comforts her, cleaning up her makeup for her. How sweet. She reminds me of those ads that used to run during “America’s Next Top Model” where they’d teach you how to do your makeup like a model.

“But Jay! It’s so easy!”

Stephanie weeps that Broday and Duhg tried to come between their friendship. Sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, it was her crotch that came between their friendship. She swears to never speak with Duhg again. LC maturely informs her that she shouldn’t have done what she did, but it’s done. Stephanie continues to insist that she tried to tell Duhg he had the wrong impression, but LC is smarter than that and cuts her off. They stare at each other wordlessly for the “Hills” requisite minimum of twelve seconds before LC storms off.

And that’s our episode for this week. It wasn’t too bad… what do you guys think is more entertaining: parental weeping or seeing LC lay the smack down in thirty words or less? See you on the boards!

PS – the mystery blonde was totally Steph.