The Hills: You Can’t Depend on Anybody

This week on The Hills, the answer to the biggest TV mystery since Who shot JR? is revealed, Jen Bunney attempts the impossible feat of becoming more unlikable, and Brody Jenner is hot.
We find our girl in the officecloset telling Whitney how much fun she had in Vegas while Whitney stayed home. LC confesses that Brody kissed her, and she fought with Deadrina. Whitney’s responses are maternal and platitude-ish, like probably she and her mother are best friends. She practically says “what a nice boy that Brody is,” and “girls will be girls” instead of “did you guys do it?” and “her boyfriend sucks though.” I wonder if that’s why she doesn’t always get invited to the parties.

While Whitney folds clothes, LC reads Defamer and receives a text message from the infamous Jen Bunney. She wants to talk. Hmmm… I wonder who what she wants to talk about. “She probably wants to smooth things over,” Whitney advises. “You two have a lot of catching up to do!” Then she licks her thumb and wipes a smudge off LC’s cheek.

Back at home, it seems like our girl has had a little reflection time. She spies Deadrina in the living and settles down on the sofa across from her. She admits that the text from Jen Bunney has got her to thinking that maybe she’s been too judgemental regarding Deadrina’s relationship with Bustin. She’s still broken from the things that happened last year and she’s scared for anyone else to go through the same thing. When she says, “I’m thinking that I’m being a good friend, but last year I made my roommate move out, like, she couldn’t even live with me,” I am once again reminded why she’s the star of the show. She’s the techno age Angela Chase or Felicity Porter. She makes mistakes, but she’s not an asshole, and when she admits it, she breaks my heart. Like Angela and Felicity, when she cries, I cry.

Nothing heals a painful self-realization like a session of retail therapy. While perusing the racks at Diane Merrick, LC tells Lo she apologized to Deadrina. “For what? Vegas?!” sniffs a newly brunette Lo. “Whatever, Bustin’s a loser.” Oh, Lo. Every fun friend I ever had when I was 20 had a loser boyfriend at some point. And rude or silent, Bustin’s hot. And those are the friends you take to Vegas, even if it kind of sucks. I mean, nobody begged Whitney to go. To change the subject, Lo pulls a garment off the shelf that the two are gaga over. It’s a striped piece of material that looks like one of those hippie-ish baby slings. LC’s eyes open with the thrill of the find. “How do I wear this exactly?” asks Lo. LC drapes it around her neck. It’s neither a scarf, nor a top. It’s a thing that goes around your neck. When I moved to LA, I asked a friend what the Hollywood style is. “Expensive homeless,” he told me. Diane Merrick has her finger on the pulse.

LC tells Lo she’s having lunch with Jen Bunney. “Bunts?” asks Lo. Hahaha. Perfect nickname, since bunts in baseball always seem like weak trickery to me. Lo doesn’t want LC to put herself back in that situation again. “It’s not like she slept with Jordan Catalano or wrote a song about me that she sang on the subway,” counters LC. Even still, Lo doesn’t want “that mean girl to be mean to you again.” Suddenly, LC seems tired, of everything and everyone. An expensive neck sling and an US Weekly cover story and a burgeoning clothing line can’t hold you until you fall asleep at night.

How To Run an Event Production Firm by Brent Dolthouse:
1) Hire, then promote, employee on a reality television series
2) Do what the network tells you (see 1))
3) Pretend said employee f’s up to create dramatic story line once said employee loses any genuine connection to star of reality show (see 2))
4) Dress like Trent Reznor
5) Start taking iron supplement and/or use free tanning session(s) at Sunset Tan
6) Stop combing a few pieces of hair towards your forehead where your part ends because it makes you seem like you are afraid that you are balding, and you’re not (yet), which is one of the few physical attributes you have going for you

Bunts waits for LC at Lulu’s Cafe to try re-ingratiate herself to the popular crowd by rolling on the outcast. Our girl arrives and they greet each other in those high-pitched voices that convey politeness and belie discomfort. Bunts proceeds with an I-like-what-you’re-wearing icebreaker, but can’t restrain herself from asking, “Where’d you get it?” LC’s not ready to play nice, so she’s like “what?” even though she’s fingering the bracelet on her wrist. “Your diamonds,” says Jen, flying into a web. “It’s a friendship bracelet, ” LC responds. “A friend gave it to me.” If this were a comic book, the next frame would have a thought bubble over her head: “REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE BEST FRIENDS? I GAVE YOU DIAMONDS!” and Bunts’ head would explode in a KAPOW! Since it’s not, Bunts slurps her drink and glances at the segment producer who makes a “keep going” gesture by pointing her index fingers towards each other and circling them.

“Soooo,” Bunts pushes her hair back for the 30th time. “How’d you hold up with that whole… rumor situation?” Smooth move, exfriend. LC says it wasn’t great and Bunts says she wanted to “like, call.” LC tells her it wouldn’t have been the right time and Bunts echoes she knew it wouldn’t be the right time, because, like, we weren’t taping then, and like, she still had gauze and tape on her face. Finally, a waiter brings the omelets, signaling to LC that she’s not in a hillstime continuum, so she asks, plainly, what Bunts wants. (late in min 8, right as Jen says she had lunch w/ heidi, lc has the best suspicious face)

Bunts says, verbatim: “Aaaheeeeaaah! So I had lunch with Heidi recently? You know the whole sex tape thing? I think she thinks that Brody is responsible for the rumors. I don’t know. Really don’t know. I don’t want to get involved.”

I’m not convinced she doesn’t want to get involved. Text messaging someone who thinks you’re such a sucky person she refused to speak to you for months and asking to meet her so you could tell her that you heard another friend of hers is also a sucky person is not the act of a passive observer. Lauren doesn’t even flinch. Our girl has learned a lot this last year, and Bunts clearly hasn’t. LC sees the pawn can’t escape its nature, and she’s no longer mad about it.

LC wanders home to the villa and tells Deadrina about lunch with Bunts. She says it was fine and “obviously” she’s not mad anymore. Then she tells her that Heidi said it was Brody who spread the rumors. Dead is still surprised that Heidi acted like she had nothing to do with it, but LC’s more mad that she’s pushing it on Brody. They both agree that Brody is not a firestarter and never has been. In every episode so far, he has always played fair, been friends to friends, and avoided drama. He even said he could see Bustin’s side in Vegas, and he didn’t drop Lauren to try to win Spencer back. Poor Bunts is so out the game that there is not a moment of discussion of her agenda. LC’s having dinner with Brody later and she’ll just ask him about it. “Whatever happens, happens,” says Dead, shrugging. “Truth and time tells all,” says Lauren, quoting from Bustin’s recently published book of haikus.

And now, children, it’s time for The Fable of Chez Janky. Once upon a time a sweet young girl on a television show met an evil Monchichi. But she didn’t know the Monchichi was evil, because the Monchichi cast a spell on her that controlled her brain. She fell in love, and became the Monchichi’s slave. Her friends and family tried to save her, but she couldn’t listen. Soon, no one wanted to save her anymore, because The Monchichi’s spell made her not a very nice person. She even used her television show to surpass a more experienced coworker. One day, the coworker (who the girl used to confide in before she was spellbound) tricked the girl into thinking it was business, not personal and didn’t show up to cover the Emmy party like she promised. The girl’s boss was mad, and told the girl she had to do a better job. This enraged the Monchichi! How dare anyone tell the girl what to do besides him! As the girl applied bronzer, the Monchichi taught her this lesson: You can’t depend on anybody.

Bustin and Deadrina play pool in a chill bar in Venice. She prods that it’s way better than Vegas. Bustin says he can do things like this, but he doesn’t like it when things get all “staticky.” He makes a flutter motion at his head when he says it. I’m intrigued, partially because “staticky” is not a word, and partially because if it were a word it would mean “showing little or no change.” Judging by the accompanying gesture, I think Bustin means “confusing” or “not getting a clear picture.” I kind of hate when people use made up words, the worst being “ginormous,” but at least he’s being metaphoricky. He’s also clearly talking about the cameras taping their outings, but Deadrina sticks to the construct and mentions LC’s apology about being too controlling. Bustin plays along, and he’s starting to seem less like a total tool than a guy who doesn’t want to have a relationship on camera. Deadrina’s version of the conversation is way different than the one we saw. She tells Bustin she said that it’s her life, she’s going to do what she wants, stay out of it, and give her space. I don’t know if that part was edited out, or if she’s making up a tough response to impress the boy. Bustin wants everything to be “happy and mellow and blissful and you know how I feel about all that.” See? I think maybe they connect well off camera, and now I finally get why he’s been so vague and surly. Even still, I’m totally psyched when Deadrina beats him at pool.

LC meets Brody for dinner. He looks hot. So does she. They joke about who asked who to climb into bed in Vegas, before toasting to “true friends.” Oh, these two are roguish. LC gets right down to biznatch and relays the Jen Bunney story. Brody looks hot. Then, he replies that Heidi’s lost her mind, Speidi both have, and it’s completely not true. It’s not enough for LC. She presses him to look her in the eye and tell her they spread the rumors. Brody looks hot, and conflicted. Lauren tells him it’s the difference between right and wrong. Finally, Brody looks her right in the eyes and says, “Lauren, I know, 100 percent fact, that they did it.” Totally hot. It’s an intense revelation, not just for Lauren, but for the nation. SPEIDI DID IT! We knew, like we know about O.J., but now we really really know. Brody and time tells all!

In the officecloset, Whitney tells LC she went to bed last night at 10 pm. She fell asleep reading “Life in These United States” out loud to her cat. LC tells Whit that Brody finally confirmed that Spencer spread the rumors. They talk about what a great guy Brody is for not delivering up his friends except for this one time. Whitney asks Lauren if she thinks it’s possible that Heidi wasn’t involved. Wow, a good night’s sleep makes Whitney keen. LC rolls that around in her head. Maybe. Maybe she knew he did it, but her new robot brain was programmed with selective memory. Whitney advises LC to get Bunts on the horn so she’ll stop blabbing. Did Whit have a B12 shot, too?

Bunts meets Heidi for lunch. What the f is her agenda? When she was at lunch with LC, she was captioned as “Lauren’s friend” and now she’s captioned as “Heidi’s friend.” I think her caption should be “Betray for pay.” Heidi’s sensors are picking up something and she asks Bunts what’s wrong. Bunts says she had lunch with LC, and everything’s fine now between them. Heidi “loves” that she’s friends with Lauren again. The edited exchanges are choppy, but somehow Bunts asks Heidi, “So you do want to be friends with her again?” Her tone suggests she thinks she has the upperhand. Bunts “has to” tell her that Brody said she and Spencer did it. “Obviously, he’s going to say that,” Heidi defends, casually. Bunts asks her, “You really really really really didn’t?” Heidi is offended, not just by the accusation, but by the fact Bunts has the audacity to question her. “You think I did?” she repeats with contempt. Bunts folds and pretends she meant Spencer, not her. Heidi is disgusted by that suggestion. Bunts says it was just a QUESTION, she was just ASKING, she was TOLD that, and if Heidi says no, then that’s that. The Monchichi was right, thinks Heidi. You can’t depend on anybody.

The once sweet girl returns home to Chez Janky after her adventure in town, convinced once again that her beloved master is the only one who understands her. There, the Monchichi is waiting. “You were right!” she cries. “Of course I was,” The Monchichi replies. “But, but, but… there’s more! Your childhood friend is telling the townsfolk that you are evil! And they believe him!” This enrages the Monchichi. “He’s a little bitch!” he bellows. “He’s so shady!” he seethes. The once sweet girl is confused by her master’s anger. Why would he not assure her of his innocence? “You’re not evil, right?” she begs of him. The Monchichi says nothing. The once sweet girl realizes her master was more right than she knew. You can’t depend on anybody.