Welcome, everyone, to another fun-filled half-hour of uncomfortable reaction shots, listless wealth, and badly overdubbed audio, all presided over by the Queen of Meh herself, Ms. Lauren Conrad (‘n’ Friends!). Last week ended with a tear-filled reunion, and tonight will bring the return Pigpen’s douchiness (Hint: it was hiding under his goatee). Naturally, these people haven’t matured emotionally past the eleventh grade, so the least we can do is insult them behind their backs. Join me, won’t you?
We open at La Casa de SelfishAsshole, where Spencer is busy pretending to text friends he no longer has while Heidi and Holls plan their evening. Holls, being a new blonde with a TV career in Hollywood, is dying to go out, i.e. get some of that free coke that’s been going around with the celebs. But alas, Heidi claims she must work tomorrow so she can’t go. When has that ever stopped her? Not sure, but the good news is she’s perfecting the art of Pouting with Preemptive Botox.
“They offer a seminar at the Annex.”
Holls reasons that she needs to meet people, because the only ones she knows so far are the two jerkoffs sitting in front of her and Lauren. At the mention of his archnemesis, Spencer (unsurprisingly) lets his displeasure be known to the world.
“My brow visor will not stand for this!”
He sarcastically sings LC’s praises before Heidi mentions how “really close” Holly and LC used to be, which seems odd to me. Exactly how did Lauren, a lifetime resident of sunny California, and Holly, living in Colorado, form such an unbreakable bond for “such a long time?” Sounds written to me. Spencer lays down the law, 1950s-style, commanding that no woman living under his roof shall “fratenize” with the one known as L.C., and storms out of the room, adjusting his nuts on the way out. In kind, Heidi responds like a meek, beaten housewife, hanging her head in shame and afraid to speak up against her dickhead of a boyfriend. Seriously, is he drugging her? Anyway, in other news tonight, doesn’t Holls look exactly like fitness guru Denise Austin?
The resemblance is uncanny, no?
At PR, the blondettes spend a good fifteen seconds in silence, pretending to do some work, during which time I ponder the differences between LC and Whitney’s self-presentation. Whitney, I note, dresses for success, if you will (and I’m sure you will). She always looks neat, well-groomed and thoughtfully put together. Lauren, on the other hand, always spends these work scenes looking like she just rolled out of bed and is fulfilling an obligation (which, doubtless, she is) – natty hair, bad fake tan, and not even a drop of lip gloss. I don’t think she needs to be in a ball gown or anything, I just think she could at least put the same amount of time into getting ready for work in the FASHION INDUSTRY as she does getting ready to go to Goa. Anyway, Whit plays with the computer while LC does some intense texting.
“So what’s this internet business everyone’s talking about?”
Through a lot of unnecessary whispering, LC explains that Holly just texted her, which prompts Whitney to make probably the only sour face I’ve ever seen her make.
“Do you smell rotten eggs?”
LC laments how torn she is because she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to Holly if they hang out, like getting struck by lightning or getting into a terrible car wreck. Or having her bitch sister get pissed. She reiterates how close they used to be, and I roll my eyes, and Whitney points out that one can always use more friends. Indeed, and likewise, they can always use you.
“Perhaps I’ll buy a comb on the way home.”
At Epic Records, Blahdrina’s in her cubicle, which is adorned with only one thing – a poster of Incubus. Huh. So she’s all set up to answer a call from several different angles, simply to tell someone she’ll “be right in.” I smell a promotion! Indeed, she enters her boss’ office, and clearly she’s an actual employee of Epic because she’s a few notches below gorgeous. She’s… dare I utter it… real.
And rather stretchy, from the looks of it.
She asks Blah if she’s ever heard of the White Tie Affair. No? Us neither, but something tells me their album’s about to drop! Bosslady drones on about an event they’re putting together for the lads while Blahdrina twirls her hair and lets her eyes glaze over (more) during a few subtle audio dissolves that splice together an actual sentence. Young ladies of the future business world, just so you know, this is NOT the image you want to project for success.
“Oh. Sorry, were you still talking?”
She asks Blahdrina to be her li’l slave at the event and to bring all of her rich, famous friends (and those cameras) with her. Additionally, she uses both ballet and nautical metaphors to stress the importance of Blahdrina’s (impossible) focus for that night. Hooray for Blah! Another one of our young bucks gets a shot to really make it in this crazy world!
At a patisserie somewhere in the sunshine-soaked land of vapidity, Holly greets LC with fervor and pleads LC to help free her from the evil chains of the Pratt dynasty. No, no, actually she just squeals about how wonderful LC is through a plastered smile of unmoving lips and teeth. I wonder whether “I miss you, what’s up?!” is code for something she doesn’t want spies across the street to know about. I was going to say perhaps she’s already become a Los Angeles marionette, but I guess that title already belongs to her sister and her vaudevillian-level devil of a boyfriend.
While LC does her best “Texas Housewife” impression.
When LC asks where Holls is living, she replies stammeringly about living with the jerk twins, beginning many sentences but finishing very few, presumably because all of them would end with “DEAR GOD HELP ME!” LC reacts with an appropriate amount of silent, judgmental disgust.
“I DO smell the eggs. Maybe it’s me?”
Holls expresses her desire to keep their friendship intact because, like Stephanie, there’s no reason her sibling’s feud with her should affect THEIR friendship. Not when there’s so much money and national exposure (and jobs with Joe Francis) to be gained.
Holly claims that Heidi was just talking about how sad she is about how bad everything turned out between them. Yeah, tough break, kid. LC doesn’t answer. Instead, she gazes into nothingness and daydreams about her next Ralph Lauren purchase. Holly ends the lunch by saying how happy she is to be in the city and have LC’s number now. Which seems funny considering that, supposedly, they’re totally best friends and Holly texted LC on her PHONE to invite her to lunch. Good one, continuity.
“Perhaps Ralph would collaborate with me. We could call it… Ralph LC.”
Blahdrina and Pigpen, sittin’ in a tree. Eff You Cee Kay Eye Enn Gee. Pigpen’s been promoted to “Blahdrina’s Boyfriend” and to celebrate the occasion, he’s decided to take a shower and comb his hair. Splendid! Don Juan plays all of his romance cards in one hand and compliments Blah on her dress.
“OMG he loves me! I AM GOING TO MARRY HIM!”
Instead of thanking him, she corrects him, as it is a skirt, silly. To Pigpen’s credit, he doesn’t even make an “easy access” joke. He may be classing up after all! Blahdrina tells him things are going really well with her roommates and that they’re making an effort. “And I am too!” she laughs with an air of disbelief that perturbs me. “That’s good…” Pigpen nods somewhat disappointedly.
“Damn, there go my chances at a spinoff.”
He compliments her (wow, he’s on a roll!) on her ability to accept people after they’ve fucked her over royally. “Like you?” she asks. Oooh sassy! I like this side of her. Unfortunately it only lasts so long. She asks him if he wants to come see the White Tie Affair. “The band?” he asks. No, dumbass, the event that’s the evil twin of a black tie party. YES THE BAND. Some very poor voice dubs emphasize how important it would be to her if he came, which only serves to show us that he will never, in fact, come. His response is what I’d affectionately call “squirming hesitance,” covered well by the manipulative line that if it’s important to her, he’ll be there. Which really just means that he doesn’t want to go, but she’s guilting him into it. Then he twitches, or perhaps winks, at her with adoration.
Later, at the LauLoBlahteau minus one Lo, Lauren debates whether to have teabags with or without caffeine.
“I don’t really care, as long as it’s Ballsweat-Free.”
As we can see from their easy camaraderie, the girls are getting along rather well. Otherwise we wouldn’t see such totally mundane shit; we’d be seeing angry glares and silences across the tables of Hollywood nightclubs and hearing drunken declarations of Frankie’s love for everyone.
Apparently, Lauren has heard of WHITE TIE AFFAIR, album in stores now!, and Blahdrina sweetly invites her to the show.
“Am I going to have to bob my head awkwardly? Because I thought we went over this.”
Blahdrina mentions how she invited Pigpen and how supportive he’s been, to which LC notes that he’ll always be there for her in that way. Sure, sure, until some slutty redhead in a black wifebeater comes along. Then you get a Dumpster confrontation. But those are fun too.
They gab about Holly and Stephanie, and Blahdrina notes how weird it is that they’ve both been hanging out with LC. Yeah, hmmm, hangers-on! Beware Lauren! Sometimes they could even be living in your backyard! Upon mention of living with Spencer and Heidi, the girls trade looks of utter disgust.
“There’s not enough MAC lipliner in the world…”
At the WTA show, a twitchily enthusiastic, greasy guy reminiscent of Jimmy Fallon’s character in “Almost Famous,” hereafter known as Charlie Walk, President of Epic Records, gathers the band and his bitches around for a group prayer to the gods of alcohol before the big show. The boys, who look like an emo version of Franz Ferdinand (which completely pains me to say, as I love FF), are fronted by a fey incarnation of Mark McGrath, whose hairstyle must have taken hours to perfectly muss.
“How about you rip this vest off me and I’ll show you my four chest hairs?”
If there is anything I hate in this world (and listen, that is a LONG list, which includes unnecessary war, subway farters, cardboard on my fingernails, Sarah Palin and Heidi’s plastic surgeon), it is watching people rock out on television. It makes me immeasurably uncomfortable to watch people swing their arms about disinterestedly, as in this case.
It’s only okay when the rock-outer in question is holding a guitar or a mic. And even then…
“I… just wanna fly”
Peeves aside, LC shows up with Lo and Stephanie in tow, who looks especially fiendish tonight.
“Where’s the drugs!”
The blondies get into the groove and even Lo annoyedly half-shimmies to the music. But as the girls realize Pigpen ain’t around (how odd! Once one drama is resolved, another magically appears!), Blahdrina loses her desire to throw her hands in the air. I guess she just don’t care.
Back at Jerkface Centrale, Holls is reading the latest Cosmo mag when Heidi bonjours in, donning a black beret and hideous of-the-shoulder rag a la “Flashdance.” Honestly, the girl makes me want to vomit just by dressing herself in the morning. Heidi asks where Spencer is and it’s all Holly can do to not end her “I don’t know” reply with a muttering of, “… and I don’t care!” As Holly casually mentions her lunch date with LC amid reports of job hunting, Heidi immediately pounces on her for this wretched betrayal, even though Holly totally told her she was going to hang out with LC.
“Don’t pretend to ignore my shoulder, mon cherie. It’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Heidi launches into the same old routine about loyalty and actually sighs that now she has to watch what she says around Holls. Ummm why? The only reason I can think of would be in case Holly would (for some reason) go tell LC all of the details of Heidi’s boring plastic life. And even then, Heidi’s pretty damn cocky to think that LC still gives a fuck about what she’s doing. Heidi whines about how hard everything is for her.
Literally biting her tongue.
However, Holly grinds the gears by mentioning that Lauren misses her. “I could tell,” she says, just like a good meddling Jewish mother would. Back at the Roosevelt, Stephanie’s in full crazy-eyes mode, chatting up a rock star with a little fetish for body modification. Sean, guitarist for the band, discusses his nipple piercings. If I had a shot to be on MTV with a band, I’d probably claim a lot of other things were pierced too.
“Ever heard of a Prince Albert?”
Stephanie leans in and confesses that she once secretly had her tongue pierced. Oooohhh, you wild lady, you! So scandalous. God, I wish this show was on HBO.
“… but seriously, I give amazing blow jobs.”
Elsewhere in the partay, hipsters are mixing with hippies are mixing with preppies are mixing with rockers are mixing with… Lo. She asks whether Pigpen is coming and Blahdrina sighs defeatedly, answering that he never returned her texts. Bummer.
The holy twins of cherubic drama.
Later at Epic, Chiara has made her triumphant return and she and Blahdrina laugh over the insane amount of stress Blah had to suffer during the event. As far as I could tell, all she did was invite her friends to a party, take shots with a group of rock stars, and dance half-assedly while balancing her purse and cocktail in the same hand. Then again, I don’t work in the industry and therefore cannot know the travails of an assistant music… something… to the whatever… wait, exactly what does Blahdrina do?
Anyway, Blahdrina’s Day-Glo teeth recap the Tale of the Afterparty and that darn Pigpen’s unexpected awful behavior. She doesn’t understand why she gives and gives while he only takes. Well, maybe it’s because you’re so enthralled by his loving advice to dump your friends that he knows that’s all he has to give. Maybe it’s because you keep getting back together with him after he treats you like gum on the bottom of his shoe. Chiara notes that Blahdrina has learned not to invest her feelings in this relationship. That’s just sad. What kind of relationship are you in if you know (and accept) that he’s just going to let you down? Oh, right. The kind that lands you a spot on “The Hills.” On the other hand, Blahdrina reasons that they still have an amazing chemistry together.
Take it from O. Snapp. Attraction is nothing if the guy’s an asshole.
“How come the light bulb never goes over my head?”
At Fit’Em, LC dishes on her lunch with The Other Sister. I see Steph has returned to her Swiss Miss On Coke look.
“How about a nice cuppa hot chocolate? I put a little something extra in it!”
Steph reiterates how LC and Holls “were best, best, best friends.” HOW? How? Will someone better versed in the inner workings of this incestuous family/friendship circle PLEASE explain this to me? Anyway, a wicked smile creeps across Stephanie’s face, as though she’s glad she’ll have a partner to help her stir up the pot. But as they discuss it further, LC explains that she just doesn’t want to cause trouble for anyone. That’s sweet honey, but have you ever watched your own show?
“It’s just scary that she lives with them,” says Stephanie, Girl Who Used To Live With Spencer. Yet another misuse of an adjective; these ladies are great at that. NO, Steph, scary’s not the word you’re looking for. Scary would be if they kept Holls chained in the basement with scraps of food sitting just barely out of her reach. Scary would be if Spence ‘n’ Heidi were running a meth lab in the kitchen they share with Holls. Scary would be if Holls woke up in the middle of the night and Spencer were staring at her in the dark from across the room. Getting the chance to harass Spencer by leaving your tampons everywhere is NOT scary.
But I digress. Some soft, chick-reunion music comes in as the scene is intercut with Heidi’s totally fake lunch with Kimberly (remember her?) and they discuss the awkwardness of it all. I don’t know why Kimmy’s been out the last few episodes, but perhaps it has something to do with why she looks so exhausted, bloated and disinterested in life in general.
“When do I get that meth you promised me?”
Heidi bemoans the loss of her friendship with LC, which she retrospectively concedes “lasted for years” whereas their fight was relatively short (HA. You call three seasons short?). “She was my best friend. I never had a best friend like that before.” Yeah, not even your only sister.
Her incessant dramababble is (thankfully) drowned out by the increasingly sappy music, and, combined with the back-and-forth between her scene and LC’s, this can only mean one thing: there’s a reunion coming up someday. “Maybe Holly will just peace everything out,” Heidi hopes. Maybe she will, Heidi. Maybe she will.
“That’s probably like hugging it out, right?”
Dearest lovely readers, I leave you tonight with one final screengrab. This was a very special moment wherein the stars aligned, my computer streaming video from MTV.com went a little kooky, and we got some digital freakiness that revealed the real Stephanie Pratt.
HYPNOSTEPH……………….. HYPNOSTEPH WILL EAT YOUR SOULLLLLLLLL……….”
Now THAT would be scary to live with. See you on the boards!