The Hills: Overdub Disco ’08

“God, I’m exhausted of this nonsense.”

This week’s episode of The Hills seemed like it should have aired two episodes ago, was fraught with truly awful vocal overdubs and even more plot-driving reaction shots than usual. A blonde trifecta is finally wedged into place at Casa deLC and some bullshit happens between the Aryan twins. Oh, and Blahdrina’s back. And no, I still don’t give a shit about whatever she’s yappin’ about.We begin at PR, where LC asks Whitney whether she’s talked to Jay, aka Hot Aussie, lately. Whitney, her hair in week 2 of post-sex messiness, confirms that, indeed, they have been “keeping in touch.” OSnapp translation: phone sex. LC smiles meekly and remarks that she’s so jealous of Whitney’s “fairy tale.” Say huh? What kind of fairy tale is that? The beautiful princess was supposed to go out with the sweet, shy prince one night but instead got fucked up and went home with a wanna-be (albeit unbearably hot) rock star? Bunk! And where exactly do Munchkins fit into this scenario? Although we all think we know the Wicked Witch is Kelly Cutrone, she’s really just a fairy godmother in a tremendously ugly carpenter’s uniform… after all, she IS the one who tries to get everyone laid. Speaking of which, where the hell is MY fairy godmother?

“You should see HIS sex hair.”

LC suddenly remembers (ha! That’s a cute way of saying a p.a. was off-camera waving signs that say “MENTION HOLLY”) that Holly is now crashing at her Blah-less chateau since she got kicked out of the Aryan Compound. What I’m wondering is why Holly doesn’t… I dunno… get an apartment of her own, like a big girl? Whitney tries to warn her that things could get complicated, but does note that Holly is like Heidi without the Spencer. So… a not-yet-detestable moron? Thus begins our night of too many reaction shots and not enough actual dialogue. Natasha?

FEEL

THE RAIN

ON YOUR

SKINNNN!

At Venice Beach, Blahdrina is allowing herself to be romanced by the salty ocean air and the au natural odor of her sweet Pigpen, who has taken this opportunity to wear an ill-fitting deep V-neck shirt to show off his chest pubes. Paired with his baggy jeans and patented DoucheSwagger â„¢, he is downright Federline-esque. She wears an odd, strapless black top that not only highlights her tan lines, but also makes her look like she’s wearing a censorship box across her tits. It’s all very classy.

He talks about how she needs to make the effort to come see him more often in his neck of the woods, then suggests they take a Mexican vacation together. What, because Cabo went so well? “What, to make up for Cabo?” Blahdrina says just as I’m thinking it. I shudder to think Blah and I share the same thoughts. You know what else makes me shudder?

This tattoo. And the thought of intimacy between these two.

They chill for a sec on the beach, which Pigpen affectionately calls “Zenful.” I would like to kick his Zen in the balls. They describe Blah’s living situation as “tense” and “weird” and I wonder why, if she just moved out of Lo/LC’s house. As Pigpen begins to explain to Blahdrina what “it’s all about,” I stop listening to save my own sanity and just enjoy the pretty visuals… and all the good screencaps that go with them.

FACT: Blahdrina is a fucking ZOMBIE.

Am I the only one who notices this gigantic sun is about to swallow the entire earth?

The Hunchback of Notre Dumbass.

Aww, don’t they look just like Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil?

At Spence ‘n’ Heidi’s, the lovebirds have yet another passive-aggressive fight that stems from Spencer’s offer to go out to the movies. Heidi doesn’t want to, she has far too much in her life to make pinker, seeing as she’s wearing a pink tank, pink sweater and sunburned/overblushed face. And don’t forget the Malibu Barbie lip gloss!

“I can’t wait until we’re 40 and having this exact same fight, but about our kids.”

Heidi’s voice has retained the Unemployment Drone Tone of last episode, and she unenthusiastically accuses Spencer of getting her fired. He (correctly) informs her that he didn’t make her get fucked up and sass her boss. We watch Spencer listen as Heidi yaps about how she hopes she can get her job back, then she somehow segues that conversation into another accusation about her sister, about whom Heidi is evidently worried. “SHE’S 25. SHE’S GONNA BE FINE,” Spencer says, and I hate to agree with him, but he’s right. Spence never stays on my good side for long, and happily dances back over to my eye-rolling hatred with the comment that he was trying to celebrate her “day off” (which I’m sure is what millions of former bank employees are calling it these days) and all she wants to do is complain.

Now I know why Heidi never frowns. It appears to be REALLY painful.

LC and Blahdrina show up to a bar wearing matching skinny jeans and equally hideous floppy tops, each special in their own eye-searing, bad-pattern ways. The girls share their very own “Sex and the City” moment by gabbing about friendship and men at the bar, and LC comments that she can’t remember the last time they had a drink out together, just the two of them. I’m willing to wager it was when they were both underage, at least. Their saga has been THAT LONG. They agree that when they’re together, they attract trouble. I’m sure the cameras and producers have nothing to do with that.

“We are Siamese if you please.”

Sometimes I think that MTV makes these girls go drinking for two reasons only: 1) to make them walk around all silly in their stilettos and fuck up their makeup 2) to have a legitimate reason (loud music) to use subtitles, and therefore make you pay more attention to the “plot” and also be able to put any words into their close-leaning, hand-covered mouths. This little segment is a classic and appalling example of how you can make anyone say anything if you have 2 cameras and the girls react to each other. (Disclaimer: this is gonna be a lot of pictures, but seriously, it’s a shot-by-shot analysis of BAD EDITING. Or perhaps GOOD EDITING, with MEDDLESOME PRODUCERS.)

This one’s my favorite, because you can actually SEE that neither of them is talking.

Don’t you love how you can’t see anyone’s mouths? By the way, this is the part where LC tells Blahdrina that Holly’s living with her, Blahdrina is shocked, then Blahdrina talks about Pigpen and says “now I’m letting him call all the shots.” Oh really? As opposed to when? That time you totally broke up with him then forgave him for no reason? What do you mean that happens every three days? I’m shocked. Shocked. Blahdrina seems defeated to the idea that she has a connection with him that she’s never had with anyone, which is very wise for a 22-year-old to say. I’m sure there are only so many dicks in the sea. “Pigpen will always be your #1,” LC says. I think she means that in a condescending, sad way, like she’s realizing that there’s no hope for Blahdrina. But Blah jumps at this statement, happily exclaiming, “That’s what I told him!” LC just looks down and tries not to vomit into her gin and tonic.

At the new Blahteau, Fawning Sister Figure is doing her job by proclaiming her disbelief at how beautiful and girlie everything is.

“If by ‘beautiful’ you mean ‘ugly as shit’.”

Blahdrina mentions that her jerkoff has been coming around a lot more now that he doesn’t have to deal with obnoxiously protective and caring roommates. Why, he’s even going to help her hang some photos this week! I’m sorry, but hasn’t this girl never heard of a ladder? Or standing on a chair? Or teaching herself how to levitate? She says it’s actually kind of nice traversing the roads between Hollywood and Venice Beach to each others’ single homes in order to sleep together exclusively. It sure makes a lot of sense. As further proof of his advancement in human maturity, she mentions the presence of his toothbrush upstairs and offer to go on vacation to Mexico with her.

However, Elder Partridge ain’t havin’ it. With LC not a constant presence in Blah’s life, EP must take the reigns as the One To Hate The Boyfriend. It’s only natural. Listen, we all have that person and we all are that person to at least one friend. I’m that person to all my friends. But girls with dickhead boyfriends, like Blahdrina and Heidi, need extra attention. Big Sister calls Blah out on Pigpen’s habit of disappearing, not calling for a week, and never telling her where he was. Blahdrina tries to make excuses for him, but Casey tells her it’s really sad that she’s always there when it’s convenient for him. Thank God somebody’s bursting a bubble around here. It’s unfortunate, however, that the only two types of relationships presented on this show are 1) possessively controlling/alienating/manipulative and 2) emotionally abandoning. Hey girls, this is what you have to look forward to. Cheers your Cosmos to that.

If this isn’t the most man-friendly Ikea living room you’ve ever seen… you’ve obviously never been to Ikea.

At SBE, Heidi and her cross necklace traipse down the hall to Sam’s office, an unsightly large bag approximately the size of the void inside of Heidi hanging off her elbow. She introduces herself to the secretary, which seems weird since she just used to work for the company. Sam lets her into his office via an electric door that reminds me of the remote-controlled entry in “Silver Spoons.” Ridiculous wealth must be oh so pleasant for those too weak to open the door with their own hands. Sam, with his greasy hair, power tie and metallic/black-themed office, spouts off some boss-talk about “issues” and “drunkenness.” Heidi tries to transfer blame to Spencer, but Sam is (probably) smarter than that. “No, just in general. The Spencer thing I don’t even get. But that’s your own problem.” He wants to know what the hell is wrong with HEIDI. I think we’d all like to know that. Perhaps sun stroke got to her brain early on.

“Ow… Oh God… my brow is furrowing again… how do sad people do this all day?”

Just as I’m typing that, Sam says she “seems like a smart girl.” Oh honey, you couldn’t be more wrong if you dropped a penguin off a cliff hoping it’d fly. Nevertheless, he decides to give her one more shot by putting her in charge of opening a new hotel (to get her out of the club scene – genius!) and says he’s never going to have this conversation with her again. Okay, seems like a good idea. He warns her to NEVER let Spencer around again and then essentially kicks her out as she’s still trying to apologize. “Okay, I got it, I got it,” he cuts her off. Now that she’s employed, Spencer will never get to ask her to go to the movies!

“Leave the Spencer, take the cannoli, eh?”

At Fit’Em, LC is lounging (seriously, these chairs look like Barca Loungers by Mac) and evidently planning a new Fosse routine when Stephanie approaches and pretends to be nervous about a final exam. Weird, since this would have been shot around September or so?

“I’ve just gotta DANCE!”

The scene centers around revealing the Holly news to Stephanie, which is a really stupid move on LC’s part, since we all know Holly has loose lips in every way imaginable.

“Sorry, but the ‘Snap is right.”

The only remotely entertaining part of this conversation, besides LC’s hat, is when Steph frets that Heidi will be really hurt by the Holly news… and LC shrugs, purses her lips and sighs, “The thing is… I really don’t care.” Ha HA! Go on, girlfriend.

Later, at the now truly Blondehaus (seriously, it’s become a sorority for whiny blonde bitches), the girls are chatting about how fucking horrible, dirty and lazy Spencer is. Aren’t they tired of this topic yet? Because all of us are, and we don’t even have to live it. Lo assures Holly that she’ll never have to clean in their house, because they have a very nice Mexican lady that comes around once a week. Holly, an actually decent human, proclaims that she doesn’t mind, because that’s part of being a haus-guest. Wow, a “Hills” character who’s not self-centered and entitled? I don’t know if I can handle this.

Wait a second. Is Holly… MARRIED?

The girlz all agree that Heidi did not even think about what Holly would do, and Holls says she is absolutely furious. Oddly, this emotion all seems fresh and spontaneous. Wasn’t she kicked out three or so episodes ago? Where has she been staying all this time? And WHAT HAPPENED TO HER HUSBAND?

Our little girls are all grown up. They’ve moved from Ben & Jerry’s to a real painkiller.

After some terribly whiny, pop-punk rock ballad, we end up at the Aryan Compound, where the happy couple continue to prepare for a long life of mutual passive hatred by quietly chipping away at each other’s ego. Stephanie stops by (what a surprise! I wonder why she came over) and all three have an unusually glossy pallor tonight, and are oddly lit. Methinks someone needs to turn down the fluorescents in this hizzy. Heidi sighs defeatedly as the Pratts debate the ethnicity of rice.

Stephanie asks about Holly. “She won’t even call me,” gripes Heidi (you know, I’m running out of synonyms for whine). “She didn’t even tell you she’s staying with Lauren?” Stephanie asks, oh so subtly, and lets the moment hover. Oh I tell you, reader, the tension in that room – I could cut it with a knife. Through my television. And cable box. And space and time. That’s how thick it is.

Does Spencer look familiar to anyone else? Like, say…

Vigo the Carpathian from “Ghostbusters II?”

“Who’d you hear that from?” Heidi asks. “LAUREN.” What are you gonna do now? Straight from the horse’s mouth! Heidi wonders why LC would want Holly to stay with her. Maybe because she’s not a cuntface who’s dickwhipped beyond repair? “Because Holly’s HOMELESS! Who’s gonna say no to a homeless person?” Stephanie asks rhetorically.

Definitely not this chick.

Spencer automatically attributes this decision to Heidi’s “stalker mom” Debbie, who I’m sure is probably giggling maniacally into her peppermint tea in Colorado right now. “Don’t call her that!” Heidi whines as she struggles to grow herself a backbone. “She’s worse than Stephanie,” Spencer shoots back, and Steph, literally in the middle, reclines into the couch and nods in agreement. “LC gets her karma by having the mooch of the century crashing at her pad,” Spencer says. Yes, it must be ever so awful to have a friendly, sane blondie who LIKES to cook and clean move in with you. LC really got it this time!

“Oops, did I lose my neck again?”

Heidi accuses Spencer of not caring. He shakes his head, possibly enforcing this concept. Heidi looks like she might cry if she still had tear ducts. She calls him insensitive, rude, and an ass. What the hell?!

Praise Jesus! She’s finally resembling a vertebrate!

She says maybe HE’s the problem (duhhhhh), Stephanie looks scared, and Spencer purses his lips as though she’s gonna get a beatin’ as soon as them thar cameras hit the road.

“Looks like my work here is done.”

Out at dinner, Blahdrina and Pigpen are a black leather nightmare, as per usual.

“… and maybe later we can reenact that Evanescence video.”

It looks like dinner at the Batcave. With a WAY less hot Bruce Wayne. Pigpen instructs Blah to eat her vegetables, whereupon Blahdrina, who broke out her extra-special Urban Decay sparkly eyeshadow tonight, remarks that she’s never dated someone her own age. She theorizes this is because she’s overly mature, while I theorize that this is because she has some serious Daddy issues that won’t be solved by pretending her Gothic French fry is a penis.

“Please. They’re freedom fries.”

Pigpen solemnly says that he believes maturity is one of the most key issues to any relationship. JIGGA. PUH-LEEZE.

Anyone wearing a hoodie beneath a Fedora will automatically have his maturity revoked.

Piggy pretends to “find” a gift underneath the table for Blah and hands it to her with far too much satisfaction for a guy who just bought his girlfriend a t-shirt (which he promptly commands her to only wear without a bra). “Thank Kyewwww” she smiles. “At least you know you’re loved,” he says, and I count down the remaining 110 seconds left of this episode. “It’s all about growin’ up,” he continues. Yeah, well, there are a lot of things “it’s” all about, Bob the Bum.

Listen, kiddies, I am not falling for it, and neither should she, and neither should you. I’m so sick of these girls with idiot boyfriends, even if it is fake. There’s simply no reason for it. A man shows you who he is, usually right at the beginning. If he’s a dick, he will continue to be a dick. If he cheats on you, he will do that again too. Is it too much to hope that a young woman can date a decent man for once? They are out there; they’re the ones who don’t keel over when you knee them in the balls. Try it. It works.

XOXOsnapp