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Yet another new writer in the TVgasm arena. This one feels a little more home grown as you may have already been reading his thoughts for months and months. Stepping up to The Hills recaps we have none other than LagunaConsultant. Enjoy! – MYL
This is a historic moment for us, and I ask you all to join me on this unprecedented journey from sidekick to master. I promise to be a kind master, open minded and honest. I promise to lead all faithful sidekicks into 2008 with my very best material, and I will fend off all opposing masters and sidekick stables with an iron fist. I promise to never pull a Heidi and abuse my newfound power, and I will never forget where I came from. I was once one of you, and maybe, just maybe, one of you may eventually rise through the ranks, and follow the path the great Roz laid forth 3 years ago as well. I followed that path, and I have now arrived in the kingdom of masters. It’s a glorious place.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business. This week started in typical fashion with Lauren quickly going over the events of last
weeks show. I say quickly because I was kind of zoning out and don’t remember exactly what was said. Compared to the week before that, last week’s show was about as exciting as a root canal from Spencer Pratt Sr. DDS.
We are then treated to a typical sight:
sidekick/master shopping. Look who’s swooped in to fill the empty void left by Heidi, none other than Audrina! Might I add that Audrina filled this role perfectly in this scene. Nobody asks a better master stroking question now-a-days than Audrina.
We then head out to the park, where we were greeted by the sight of Wh Wh Wh Whitney hitting what appeared to be a monster homerun. Alas, she only made it to second, but for some reason that seems oddly appropriate. Anyway, the game soon ends, and the girls start reminiscing of New Years past. Whitney then reveals to us that she “kissed like 3 guys on New Years last year. It was the sluttiest moment of my life!” My god Whitney! I would have never guessed.
Luckily for Whitney, I have a feeling that either Audrina or Lauren are about to make her feel a little better and raise the bar a couple of notches, but
unfortunately we were only treated to Lauren telling us that “I’m just going to grab somebody that’s next to me like 2 years ago.” Good enough for me. Note to self, book plane ticket for L.A. next New Years.
Heading back into town, it’s now time for a little shopping with everybody’s favorite douchebag Spencer, and his wonderfully submissive girlfriend Heidi. After Heidi cracks on him briefly for dress shopping, Spencer announces his dislike for Lauren once again, and asks Heidi to move in with him. Heidi seems
reluctant at first because of Lauren, so Spencer decides to turn up the charm a little. “I don’t want to say that’s affecting our relationship, but it definitely doesn’t help.” Sounds to me like it’s going to affect their relationship. Looks like Team Spencer is about to make some cuts.
Here are my unedited notes from the next scene in the
* Hair salon.
* New Years grooming session.
* Lauren picks up random guy at club.
* Can’t wait to see this clown.
* She did all the work.
* Audrina/LC kickboxing resolution.
* Audrina kickboxing Heidi’s ass soon.
* Very uncomfortable all around.
* Lauren complimenting Audrina in weird voice.
* Heidi leaves in midst of awkwardness for dinner.
I think that basically sums that up…
Later on we meet up with Speidi heading to their private new years banquet of spite. Unfortunately, Spencer decided to start us off on the wrong track by
chewing off his muzzle and giving Heidi a typical piggish compliment. “I don’t even want to go to the club, I just want to take you home right noooow.” Man, I don’t know what’s worse, having to hear his exaggerated verbiage, or the dental picture of Speidi reproducing rather than going to the club. That’s definitely a lose-lose situation in my book. Regrettably, Spencer then continued on. “Why can’t we?” Gee, I don’t know Spencer, but I have a funny feeling you’re going to answer your own question as usual, so I’ll give you the floor. “Ohhh that’s right, because you have another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad that we have to meet.” Listen pal, you should be more worried about actually getting let into the club after the news of your addition to the blacklist, let alone who’s going to be there.
Sensing that Heidi was starting to wean away from team Spencer a little, he then decided to indulge us all in the ways of passive aggressive brainwashing. It’s really easy. All you have to do is say what you really want or think in order to plant the seed, but then play it off like a joke. Spencer starts Heidi off in the gamut of emotions by telling her “I’m not demanding anything from you.” Umm ya, but the proverbial gun you just put to her head doesn’t help your case. He then adds, “there’s a big difference between friends, and people you are romantically and intimately involved with.” How long have these two been dating now? 4 months tops? This guy thinks he’s the second coming of Don Juan. Sadly, it seems to be working because Heidi’s resolve is starting to dwindle. “I’m trying to keep you happy, and I’m trying to keep her happy, and I know it shouldn’t be a balance like that, because it’s like, you’re the one I love.” Game, set, match douchebag.
“MARRY ME BITCH! Just kidding!”
We then head over to Lauren’s and Audrina’s apartment. Sorry, Spencer’s coincidental foreshadowing threw me off a bit when he suggested Lauren and Audrina should move in together, I mean Lauren’s apartment.
Holy shit! Daniel Boone decided to grace the girls with his presence. Oops, sorry, that’s just the always impeccably dressed Lo! Yay, Lo’s back! Finally, a sidekick with some values. As it turns out, that is not a dead animal on the top of Lo’s head after all. It is merely her new trendy hairdo. Could have fooled me…
“My new man purse is a taxidermist!”
Time to take a few photo’s and let the underage drinking begin! Lauren then leads the girls in a toast. “Cheers to spending New Years with the people
most important to us.” Good to know Lauren, to bad the people who are most important to you had to witness you making this toast while checking your voicemail, I’m sure they feel blessed. Also, who are these most important people? Jill and Natania? Where the hell did they come from? Aside from the fact I’ve never seen either of these girls before, what kind of a name is Natania? Typical Laguna Beach name I guess. Take two random words and throw them together. Presto! A new exotic name is born! If I lived in Laguna my name would probably be Lasultant. It would be great, I could be boys with Talan and Dieter.
Lauren then moves on to more pressing issues. “I have had a New Years kiss the last 4 years, but I’ve only had, like, one good one.” Something tells me it wasn’t last year…
“Jail sucks. I feel like the girl in the Tijuana donkey show.”
After we get a quick tutorial from MTV on how to spell glamorous, we then see the ladies entering the club sans Heidi. Time for our first glimpse of Lauren’s
date Derek. Looks like Lauren did pretty well for herself; this guy was definitely head of the class in the generic metro-sexual pool. Not only is he attractive in an “every guy from L.A.” sort of way, but he’s also a bragger! He starts shamelessly
self-promoting himself in regards to his speedboat and stature, when Lauren chimed in with a beautifully patronizing comment. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even
enjoy it properly because I couldn’t stop thinking about how this guy bared a striking resemblance to our old friend Polster. Well pre-steroids Polster at least…
“Trey threw me out of AYA, so I pummeled his ass”
We then cut to Lauren and Lo holding a bunch of orange balloons and taking a picture. “Oh my god, these are intense” Lauren revealed. Intense indeed. Clear the way, this girl needs some air! Lauren then regroups and tries to reveal her New Year’s wish to Lo. Unfortunately, all I could hear was her saying that it
was extremely embarrassing a couple of times. Could it be that she wished for somebody to pop those retched orange balloons of concentrated intensity? That must have been it, although that’s nothing to be embarrassed about, those things will stare right through your soul.
Speidi then makes it’s grand entrance at approximately 11:45. They’ve been there for no more than three seconds, and Heidi has already started with the
irritating 3 year old voice. I still haven’t quite been able to put my finger on who she sounds like, but I’ll keep you posted. It almost sounds like the noise a cat would make if you stepped on its tail.
All of a sudden we cut to Lauren screaming about cocker spaniels. Can somebody please get this girl a friggin cocker spaniel??? This must be the LC
equivalent of smithereen-ducks. This also doubled as my favorite moment of the entire episode, just because of the sheer randomness of blurting out cocker
Past and present sidekicks then unite as Lo and Heidi start making small talk. Heidi then reverts to her usual approval seeking ways and asks Lo whether or not she thought her boyfriend was cute. Lo responded “Umm ya if you think children’s underwear models from Macy’s are cute.” Well said Lo. Actually, she may have cordially agreed Spencer was cute, but that’s the way it went down in my head.
Guess what??? It’s almost midnight, time to pass out the sparklers! WTF? Do they not have fire codes in L.A. or something? If I ever tried to pull this stunt
in a bar in Boston, not only would I be tackled immediately, but I would probably be serving jail time right now.
“Screw Area! Let’s burn this bitch to the ground.”
3-2-1 Happy New Year!!!!! Lauren immediately grabs her man of the night for a dreamy New Year’s kiss. Then Audrina pulls Lauren in for their very own dreamy New Year’s kiss! YES! I think I need some air now… All I see is orange balloons… Everywhere.
“Happy New Year… TO ME!
The group then heads out together from what seems like a very amiable night. Spencer then starts needling Derek, telling him he better handle his business later. HE BETTER NOT HAVE HANDLED HIS FUCKING BUSINESS. Excuse me, my turrets must be acting up.
Everything is not as tranquil as we first thought though, apparently the group neglected to pay the king and queen of douche their proper respect. Spencer then seizes this opportunity to continue his passive aggressive brainwashing of Heidi. In his warped mind, since Lauren did not go overboard in her goodbyes with them, it was obviously a sign of disrespect. Heidi’s teetering on the brink of completely broken at this point.
Flash-forward to what MTV would like us to believe is the next day. Last night was New Years, so we all know what that means: excessive debriefing for all parties involved. New Years is such a big event that they even made Lauren debrief twice! First off, we head over to Bolthouse where we find Ho-di and Elo-di chatting away. Apparently the brainwashing has worked after the club, because Heidi is now not too fond of Audrina’s and Lauren’s friendship. She then throws Elodie a bone and let’s her in on the fact that Spencer asked her to move in with him. She goes on to tell Elodie that Spencer tells her that “everyday I love you more,” plus “I never thought I’d feel this way about someone,” and the always fun “I never knew what love was until now.” Lie, lie, lie. Does this crap really work on girls in real life? Instead of batting .500 by telling the truth, who knew I could lie straight through my teeth and be batting .1000
Time for Lauren to be debriefed by Whitney. This debriefing is sponsored by Kelly’s coffeehouse. Nothing really interesting happened here, although Whitney does drop this winner. “We’re all trying to find out, like, who our true friends are and stuff, and it sucks, but.” Amen sister.
Changing gears we head out for another astonishing dinner of submissive behavior by Heidi. Spencer leads out with this doozy “I think it’s really rude that you choose Lauren over me.” Heidi rebuffs him though with “I think it’s rude that you make me choose.” Go Heidi! Well, that was short lived. Spencer quickly changes gears and brings up the supposed catastrophe outside of the club after New Years, and just like that, Heidi’s resolve is finally broken for good. “How are you going to get a house?” DUNZO.
Final debriefing time for Lauren, this time though, there’s a catch. Her and Lo head out for Sushi like old times, and start the New Year’s discussions
shortly after Lo figures out sniffing ginger in not pleasurable. The conversation soon turns to more imperative matters, like Jenn almost going to Area on New Years. I mean, she bought a ticket and everything, how dare her! Lauren then takes a page out of my book and starts making up fake dialog. “She’s probably like ahhhh, I have no more friendships to destroy.” Nicely said Lauren. Although, I’d like it if you stop with that stuff, the last thing I need is you messing with my job security. Lo then drops the bomb of the night “Umm who is moving into your apartment when Heidi moves in with Spencer?” Uh oh, looks like somebody wasn’t properly debriefed by Heidi. Lauren then tries to talk us out of believing it, but not very convincingly. “I don’t think she’d move in with Spencer, she’s crazy in love, but she’s not that crazy.” Well, I beg to differ there. Heidi is definitely a few bricks short of a full load at the present time. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised about anything I heard she did with Spencer’s influence. Lauren seems extremely troubled by this news.
“Don’t worry Lauren. Cocker Spaniel!”
“Cocker Spaniel Lo… Cocker Spaniel”
And with that, the show came to a close. Next week looks treeeemendous by the way. I was half expecting to see Lo visiting 8-Bahl in the clink after all the sidekick deception that’s been going, but it looks like Jenn Jenner is going to get a chance to say her “peace” after all. Lauren appears to get fired up again too. I can’t wait. Hopefully she’s preparing a fleet of F-bombs this time.
What did you guys think of the recap? If you loved it, let me know. If you hated it, let me know too. Is Heidi going to move in with Spencer? Who will assume number one sidekick, Audrina or Whitney? So many questions… I’ll see you guys on the boards.