The Hills: The Sanctity of Marriage – Alive and Well!

Tonight is the puke-inducing episode we’ve all been waiting for. In the tradition of Luke and Laura, Monica and Chandler, and Trista and Ryan, one of television’s most beloved couples finally (finally!) takes that big plunge into the icy abyss known as marriage. At least symbolic marriage.

… And the whole world threw up in unison.

LC’s voiceover intro hints at the move as “something that couldn’t be undone.” Ha! Doesn’t she live in L.A.? Where they have such an insane amount of divorces that they’ve made different laws from the rest of the universe concerning division of assets? Oh, and PS LC – undoing something like that is REAL easy if it’s not legally binding (or even recognized by God). Anyway, we jump right into the action, in Cabo San Lucas, where Spencie has whisked his love away to a surprise getaway weekend. They hop out of their SUV and into the hotel, singing chirps of vacay joy. “Oooh! LoooK! at THIISSS! THIS is GORgeouusssss!” And my personal favorite, Spencer’s chorus of “This. Is. In. SAY-EEENNN!” I’m really glad they’ve finally been able to get away from the stresses of unemployment and familial concern.

Heidi wonders aloud why he chose this particular time to kidnap her. He replies that their relationship is always better when it’s just the two of them. Indeed, when there are no voices of logic or reason around, I’m sure insanity is a total blast. He claims that everyone else is always trying to tear them apart, a classic abuser line. Note to Heidi: if everyone who knows you is trying to break you up from your boyfriend, there’s a reason. Uh-oh, y’all. The pubestache has made its triumphant return.

Luckily for us, he only breaks it out for special occasions.

I wish it and LC’s shadowlip would have a duel. That would have made a fantastic episode of “Celebrity Deathmatch.” “I have a feeling, my dear,” Spencer says in a most dastardly way, “that this will be a VERY memorable vacation.” I hate it when he calls people “my dear.” One should only say that if he’s wearing a proper waistcoat, a pencil mustache (of which Spencer obviously not capable) and the recipient’s name is Scarlett. “Buckle up!” Heidi says with a slightly awkward laugh. Hmm, she might not actually know what’s going to happen. Is that even allowed?

Isn’t it astounding how young she looks when she’s not bogged down by three pounds of lip gloss and eyeliner?

Soon we learn the episode is called “Mr. and Mrs. Pratt,” which in and of itself forces me to hold back chunks of vomit in my throat. At People’s Revolution, Whitney gets a call from the very icy-looking woman from last week and learns she got the job. Shocker! Well, at least Lauren looks surprised.

Blow-Up Doll Emporium’s #2 seller

After a lot of polite telephone talk between silent squeals and excited hand motions, Whit hangs up the phone and announces (again) that she got the job. “No you didn’t,” LC says. Umm, then I guess all that hullabaloo between you just now was a weird game of charades? The girls do a lot of very quiet screaming and LC goes sad upon realizing she’s losing her friend. Again. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll finagle a job with DVF first chance she gets, just like she did with PR.

Blow-Up Doll Emporium’s #1 seller

“So are you going to take it?!” Lauren has the nerve to say. Umm YAH! “So you’ll go have the perfect job, and the perfect boyfriend.” It was not even clever the first time you said it, last week. “You’ll just go off and have the perfect life,” says LC, who evidently is not satisfied by millions of dollars and her own clothing line. I guess life IS hard for those who can’t get banged by Australian musicians.

*clicking heels* “There’s no place like orgasm. There’s no place like orgasm…”

In Cabo, official vacation destination for California brat-based MTV reality shows, Spencer is being served champagne by his blonde bimbette, who is clad in the eensiest of teensie bikinis and high heels. Nothing like a woman who’s living for her man. He is really living a life he doesn’t deserve, and she has really gotten a dynamite Brazilian.

I think I used to twist my Barbie doll into positions like this.

She sits on his lap and cuddles up, noting that her stress is finally gone, singing/slurring, “the champagne took it all a-way.” Don’t worry, you’re not really an alcoholic until you can no longer teeter along in those beach stilettos. He remarks that when they first started dating, she was so carefree. This is true; I watched an early episode recently and all I could think was, “Damn. Heidi was so cute and free-spirited. I still hated her, but only because she was an airhead. Not a freak-level moron.” She agrees with him and says it’s because she didn’t have her entire posse hating on her because of her douche boyfriend. “That’s why I brought you out here,” Spencer says. “It’s time for Heidi and Spencer Time.” They both agree to work on not letting her family get to them. That sure is cute, because although it seems like they’re trying hard to make the relationship work, they’re actually just blaming everyone but themselves.

“Excuse me Miss, but you have two ladybugs on your tits.”

At Blahdrina’s house back in L.A., there’s a hobomobile parked out front. This can only spell trouble.

Looks like Mr. Tambourine Man is paying a visit.

Stephanie comes ’round and rings the doorbell. An unknown entity opens the door and Stephanie disappears into the darkness known as the Blahteau.

… And that was the last time anyone saw her.

Okay, I know I always make a big deal out of these little things, but it’s the little things that make up this show. Come on, Blahdrina. Now you’re just being lazy.

If you never hang anything on the walls… WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP AT?

As she leads Steph around the house, they pass the kitchen and she says awkwardly, “Pigpen’s here!” Stephanie greets him equally awkwardly, bidding him a good morning. Good morning?! May I say, WTF! (Not that I’m that surprised.) And furthermore…

Overalls?? WTF!

So much for Blah’s “bachelorette pad.” The girls sit in the living room, a California breeze away from the kitchen, and openly discuss the weirdness of Pigpen being there while Piggie works on… homework or something?

Perhaps applications for house painting jobs.

I shouldn’t be like that. Who knows, maybe he’s working on the New York Times crossword, and he’s so fucking smart that he can do it in pen. Who am I to say? So the function of this scene is to show that both of the girls hadn’t heard from Spencer or Heidi in awhile. But now I’ve got blowup dolls on the brain, so all I can focus on is this.

Go to realdoll.com and tell me Blahdrina doesn’t fit in.

Okay, I’m sorry I led you to that, I saw a special on it on BBC-America, and I’m just as creeped out as you (hopefully) are. Moving on…. Stephanie says that her mom and Heidi talk every day (which is an interesting detail) and even SHE doesn’t know where they are. This is getting scary! Maybe they were murdered or something! Luckily, they were being trailed by US Weekly, so I’m sure they’d have already caught the guy and it’d all be on TMZ by the time these doofs talked about it. Just as the girls are getting their estrogen-fueled drama machine up and running, Pigpen pipes in with, “You should put up some signs.” Once in awhile I’m glad this kid’s around to add fuel to the fire.

Back in Cabo Wabo, the lovebirds are securely squirreled away in isolation from their loved ones and downing the tequila by the throatful. And as we all know, tequila is always the beginning of a successful night for Heidi. They drink and dance in place while sitting, which is supremely uncomfortable to watch, especially when Heidi “raises the roof” and whimpers, “arriba!” Meanwhile, Spencer stares at Heidi like a creepy uncle.

“Heheh… BOOBS.”

He doubts aloud that she’ll ever remember their conversation, and when she ignores his question completely, he sees this as a prime opportunity to trick her into marrying him on the fly and not telling anyone. Ever. Except that everyone in America and most of the world will be able to watch them. In response, she throws out a few Spanish phrases about him being crazy and takes on a bad accent for that extra special touch. He claims that he’s being serious. “Well, me too,” she says unconvincingly. There’s a very fine line between drunk and sincere. VERY fine. And that line is wrapped around the second-to-last finger on your left hand.

“Ha. Ha. He’s not serious, right Divello?”

Even so, Spencer seizes the opportunity and calls the waiter over. “Dos shots Patròn.” Ugh. Then he revises: “Oh, or whatever your top-shelf tequila is, even above Patròn.” Is there any such thing? “Mucho gracias.” Jesus. You’d think all those trips to Don Antonio’s would have helped him at least a LITTLE bit with his Español.

Back in Los Angeles, there’s a party going for Whitney, and her status as an actual human being is revealed by the fact that some of the people in attendance are kind of frumpily dressed and mildly unattractive.

For the occasion, Whit is wearing her finest weird hair thingie.

The starlets show up and everyone gets a hug.

“Yay! (I can’t chlamydia from a hug, right?)”

Whitney’s dad jokes around about her coming back and suddenly being a gangster, or at least that’s what I can infer from his bob-and-weave and “Yo, yo!” routine. Whitney laughs loudly (almost to the point of snorting), and she’s a total dork about it, and that’s what makes us all love Whitney. Meanwhile, the elfin twins are conversing in the corner and perfecting their Fairy Tale Poses, originally introduced last week.

Um, I think she already IS a career girl, Lo.

Dang, LC looks like she got the Hans Solo Carbonite treatment there. She, Lo and Blahdrina talk about how hard it must be to move across the country without knowing almost anybody there. Aw, that’s not true. I’m sure she’ll know some of the production crew. Just kidding, it IS really hard to do that. I know a lot of people who did that. In fact, even I did that. And I’m pretty fucking sure that none of these three girls would have the guts to do it, at least not without a camera crew to validate them. (I suppose the same might be said of Whitney. But I like Whitney, so I won’t say it.)

Speaking of validating one’s existence: “So…” Blahdrina says during a lull in the conversation. “Stephanie came over today. She said Spencer and Heidi just totally disappeared.”

“Yeah, we’re just gonna pretend you didn’t say anything.”

Hey, you know what I never noticed the first time I watched this episode? Brody and some other dude showed up to this soirèe.

The beginning of the newest modern dance troupe, Mènage À Douche

Whitney’s parents give a very sweet toast to her and her success, hoping aloud that she will come back soon to run DVF on the West Coast. Afterward, the Port family shares a tearful moment, which, in the midst of a puppet-mastered season of setups and false moments, somehow doesn’t seem fake.

“Mmmm, is that Herbal Essences?”

In Mexico, Heidi downs her better-than-Patron tequila and Spencer hails her as “gnarly” for finishing it in one gulp. Oh, the romantic woos of a couple betrothed. She expresses concern about their supposed nuptials but he soothes her by saying the whole point of a “secret Mexican wedding’ is that they don’t tell anyone. You know, I’ve never understood why no one on this show acknowledges the fact that they’re famous and trailed by paparazzi and that comment boards know the moment they do anything wild (or psychotic), but this is going a bit far. You’re not fooling anyone, Pubeface. Well, maybe one person.

He tells that one person that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship that’s not going anywhere, and that they’ll never be married because her mother will never approve. Well, that should signal to Heidi that getting hitched on the fly won’t go over so well with Mama either. She says it’s crazy, and he counters with the irrefutable logic, “Hasn’t our entire relationship been crazy?” Yes. Yes, it’s based on insanity. Ah, touchè, salesman. He launches into the worst and creepiest proposal of all time, declaring that she makes him want to be a nice person, and that’s why he’s “madly obsessed” with her, and why he hasn’t left her side in nearly 2.5 years and “keeps her from the whole world.” Uhhhhhh…..

GET. OUT. NOW.

“Awww… he said he’s obsessed with me!”

We need Jack Bauer or someone to come rescue her from this catatonic state of romance. The fact that she keeps looking at the camera makes me think that maybe he really did spring this on her, after getting her horrifically drunk of course, and this really is a stupidly spontaneous thing to do. What’s worse, an impetuous and irresponsible decision or a fame-whoring setup? Hmm, tough one. She agrees to the either-way BAD life choice and he sweeps her into a kiss. We get a peek into what their disgusting bedroom habits must be like.

EW! EW! STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

He tells her to save some for the honeymoon. “I’ll show you what a wife does,” she purrs. What, lay there bored while he pretends she’s someone else?

While they go make the biggest mistake of their lives, LC and Whit have their last lunch together. Whitney worries about the little differences between NYC and LA, specifically how to get groceries home from the store. Does she take a cab? Subway? Bicycle? Lauren is equally perplexed. I’m wondering if these two have ever heard of these great inventions called legs. They get you from place to place, and while you use them your hands are free to carry whatever you need!

“And if I feel like going to the beach, do I go down to the East River, or will it do to just sit at the edge of my bathtub?”

They talk about how weird things will be for each of them. I like this scene because they actually EAT, unlike most café scenes where everyone just sits around and sips on diet sodas. They share memories, from their first day at Teen Vogue, when the staff made them change their outfits, to their first event, when Whitney let Heidi in and a drunken fame whore was born. They reflect on their friendship, and Lauren gets seriously weepy, trying so hard not to take away from Whitney’s happiness (so I assume). It’s a moment of actual woe, and in Lauren we see that sort of sad panic one feels when a very good friend is leaving.

Oddly, through touching moments with both her family and LC, Whitney doesn’t shed one tear.

“Didn’t you hear? I’m about to have the perfect life.”

And back we go to Cabo. It must be so nice to wake up with a raging tequila hangover and have cameras in your bedroom (or at least knocking on your door).

Can you count how many things are wrong with this picture?

He bids a fond good morning to “Mrs. Pratt” (ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.) and professes that she’s the best wife ever. I’m sure that after a tequila- and champagne-induced B.J., anybody is. She correctly guesses that he had this planned the whole time, and concedes that the Patròn helped, not just a little but “a lot bit.” I wonder what the wedding was like. I picture Spencer rushing the priest along, a la Prince Humperdink: “Man and WIFE! Say man and WIFE!”

“I didn’t even have to use my BACKUP surprise wedding dress!”

It’s sort of classy that they didn’t let the real camera guys come along, but I knew they couldn’t resist being filmed. He suddenly remembers that they have “home video” of their little adventure. While watching it, they both talk about how nervous and scared they were to do it. Think about how scared they would have been if they hadn’t been smashed! In the video she makes some ridiculously lame joke and he chides her for being a “naughty wife.” Good Lord, I’m seeing wayyyyy too much of these people’s intimate moments in this episode. I feel creepy just watching them sit in bed together.

You know, something strikes me as odd about their video. Doesn’t it look pretty bright out for being the middle of the night, when they decided to do this? Or was it so late that it was actually morning?

And who’s filming?

Heidi from promptly worries that her mother will kill her over this incident. Spencer agrees that she’ll “really have an issue” with them being “married.”

“Okay, just breathe, Heidi… it’s not legally binding, it’s NOT legally binding…”

To make herself feel better, Heidi walks over to the full-length mirror and stares at herself for awhile. And (after some corny end shots) so ends our episode of “The Hills.” But not the season! There’s one more episode. It surely will be a welcome respite among the sea of Christmas specials three days before Jesus’ birthday. I will leave you with a few bonus screencaps, including a very disgusting shot of Spencer’s skivvies. Ugh. See you on the boards!

Was this really a necessary shot??

“WHEEEE! I’m getting crazy with the Cheeze Whiz!”

“What’s MY secret to keeping a man? Why, it’s new Pantene Pro-V. And shedding any hint of my own identity, of course.” *wink*