The Hills: Trouble In Pseudo-Goth Paradise

Oh my God, you guys.

The unthinkable has happened.

“The Hills” this week……..

was awesome.

It almost feels like an “emergency episode” because we’re brought to this very specific subject in the middle of it; we don’t see its beginning, middle and end. Also, it has very little to do with the bogus storylines they’ve been building over the course of the season. In fact, I would recommend that you actually WATCH this episode, because its finest moments are hard to capture in words, even in my eloquently humorous way. It’s almost as though something REAL happened and they had to drop everything to cover it. Well, almost everything. Heidi’s still in this episode.

During the recap at the top of the episode, LC says that after Blahdrina heard a rumor about her, she did the worst thing a friend could possibly do. Umm, sleep with LC’s brother? Use her vibrator while LC’s out shopping? Stole some of her weed? Nope, Blahdrina believed the rumor.

At the cafeteria at Epic Records, Chiara sighs and asks Blahdrina what’s up, surely prepared for another tedious conversation about Pigpen’s lack of enthusiasm for Blahdrina’s taupe den of love. Chiara remarks that Blah looks really angry, but she does it with the widest grin I’ve seen since LC went out on that pseudo-date with Stephen Colletti. I’m pretty sure Chiara hates Blahdrina. I’m pretty hopeful that Chiara reads TVGasm.

Flipit’s secret identity?

No, Flipit’s way more fun than Chiara possibly could be. So Blahdrina scrunches her face into her classic “poor me” smile/wince and says that Chiara has no idea what she’s been through this week. Chiara’s face darkens and she asks solemnly, “What is it?” I think she may be trying to stifle a laugh. “This guy Dino, I’ve known him for two years, he called me and said ‘I need to get something off my conscious,’” Blahdrina begins. Okay, firstly: Never believe a guy named Dino. This should be self-evident. He’s either from Staten Island or he is the family pet of a family with the surname Flintstone. Secondly, don’t believe someone who says they have something on their “conscious.” It’s not the same thing as a conscience; therefore they could be describing a venereal disease.

“He said that basically, Pigpen and Lauren hooked up,” Blahdrina bomb-drops. Requisite gasps all around, except for those of us who already heard this. What is this “basically” business? How do you know Dino didn’t just see them sneak into a back room together, in which case they were probably planning a surprise party for you? It’s a sitcom rule. And this is “basically” a really boring sitcom. Blahdrina admits that she called LC right when she heard, and that LC vehemently denied the whole matter, then hung up on her (hell yes!) but she doesn’t know what to believe. Hmmmm, maybe you should believe your one semi-sane friend? Blah sheds a few tears, which look pretty real, actually, and Chiara waddles over in her 1960s housecoat to give Blah a bear hug and tell her she’s stronger than this. I’m sorry, but I beg to differ. Blahdrina is WAY weaker than this.

“There there. Let’s get you back to your crib.”

At Lo/Lau’s house, LC storms into Lo’s bedroom in quite a tizzy and declares that Blahdrina is crazy. I think she just needs a father figure. LC recounts the tale of their cell phone convo, wherein Blahdrina accused, LC laughed, and Blahdrina re-accused. See, if this were set up like everything else, we would have seen that conversation. Hell, we would have met Dino. “It’s insane! It’s SO INSANE!” LC rants. “That’s laughable!” Lo agrees. “You would never do that!”

“Can we say CUCKOOOOO!”

“It’s insulting on SO many levels,” LC continues. I love that what neither of them is saying is that it’s crazy mostly because Pigpen always looks like he just rolled around in a sewage plant in New Jersey. LC lists the falsified ways that Blahdrina now thinks of her: 1) As a bad friend. 2) As a shady person. 3) As a slut. 4) As the kind of person that would have sex with a homeless dude who cheats on his girlfriend. Come to think of it… I think she just described Blahdrina.

“Ooh, shady’s the worst. Just ask Brody.”

“Ohhhhh YES, BLAHDRINA, I did it, I just COULDN’T RESIST his CHARMS and his IMPECCABLE HYGIENE!!!” LC yells. Oh my Lord, I can’t tell you how much I love it when the icy, impersonal exterior of Lauren Conrad comes crumbling down and the cameras are there to catch it. It hasn’t happened in like three seasons. And evidently Blahdrina has made fast work of tearing down LC’s good reputation. “She called BRODY! She called FRANKIE! And they all called me!” LC moans. And I think Bladrina even called TMZ or something, because it was all over the ‘Gasm comment board by the time my next recap was up that week. Hmmm, maybe Chiara IS Flipit after all.

At least Lo got her shopping done before this crisis.

LC mentions that Blah is supposed to stop by, but unless she apologizes, their friendship is totally dunzo. At the Aryan compound, Spencer, with newly frosted tips, prepares a delectable meal of toasted bread for himself while he… continues to be unemployed. Holly knocks on the door and he lets her in without a word, or even an offer of toast. He immediately calls her “Little Miss Traitor” (at once demeaning AND accusatory – how efficient!). She ignores him, because she is a GROWN-UP, and asks whether Heidi is around. He makes her ask again, and this time she phrases the question as WHERE is Heidi. “Not here,” he mutters simply. He refuses to tell her where his dumbass damsel is, replying only that she doesn’t want to see Holly. You know, I think now would be a good time to bring up the fact that I just read the “How To Spot A Domestic Abuser” list in Dear Abby and the Spencer portrayed on this show meets 12 of the 15 criteria. (“Does this person mistreat their family or friends? Does this person hold grudges? Are you this person’s only friend? Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?”) And I can only guess what their sex life is like (actually, I’d rather not). I can only hope that MTV shows Spencer in this light because they want girls to recognize when their boyfriend is a total douche who should die alone? Hmm, maybe.

Moving along, Holls asks Spencer very politely to let Heidi know she came over. He continues to be an asshole by calling her a mooch who’s Hangin’ With Ms. Conrad. He notes that it was his sister who told him, and that this is one more thing he and Heidi have in common: they have “unloyal” sisters. You know, it’s hard to be a grammarian when you’ve never been past high school. Something else he and Heidi have in common is that they’re both jacking off a selfish jerkwad.

Holly gets all “Debbie Colorado” on his ass and insists that she AND Stephanie have had Heidi’s interests at heart, and furthermore, he’s a dickhead. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly; she says he cares only about himself, which he doesn’t deny. After he promises begrudgingly to tell Heidi she came over, Holly finally leaves with an eyeroll the size of Montana.

At Lau/Lo’s, LC is paying bills and neatly stacking them beside each other, emotionless and efficient as a psychotic mom who cleans compulsively when she gets upset. Blahdrina enters and they have a stare-off in the kitchen to see who breaks first.

It’s looking rough. Blahdrina’s wearing her douche beret, and she’s prepped for battle.

LC coolly informs Blah that until she treats her like a friend, she will not talk to her like one. She asks why Blahdrina is such a nutty fubar. “YOU KNOW WHY,” Blah replies coldly. “Did you hook up with Pigpen or NOT?” LC laughs in that sad, I’m-about-to-lose-another-friend way and tells Blah she’s insane. “Are you serious right now?” she asks. “I’m DEAD serious.” LC returns the favor by ending her giggle attack and telling Blahdrina that she doesn’t care what she thinks of her, she just needs to stop telling other people shit about her. With that, Blahdrina and her zombie eyes whimper and storm out of her former non-home.

“Dear God, it’s me, LC. Please send me someone who’s got a grip.”

She scurries back to her Blahteau, an ugly urban jungle of beige walls and fake potted plants, and calls Pigpen to leave a message that rivals the length of any of my grandmother’s voicemails, which is saying a LOT. In Pigpen’s absence, she is forced to say all of the signposting, story-driving things she needs to his inbox, explaining that she’s left numerous voicemails and texts to him, that she feels sick inside over this, and that he’d better call her, goddammit. Not like she’s crazy or anything, but she might cut him if he doesn’t get back to her pretty soon.

“Hi Pigpen, it’s me. They can pretty much put any words in my mouth from this angle.”

I wonder, is this what it would take to make her stop seeing him? Would she FINALLY come to her senses if he screwed around on her with her friend, not some faceless slut?

Across town, Holly has taken matters into her own hands by paying a visit to Heidi at work, dressed like an extra from “Working Girl,” complete with plaid shoulder-padded blazer and gold link-strapped purse. Ughh. She says hello to Heidi (who doesn’t even stand to greet her, let alone hug her own sister) and shows distaste for Heidi’s lack of an office.

“Ew, smells like demotion in here.”

Heidi, rocking the battered wife/Michael Jackson combo look, wearily explains that she used to have an office, “but I ran into a… bit of tr..trouble at XIV the other week… so…. now… cubicle.” Is she drunk? Oy. The girl’s looking worse for wear. Can you believe she’s only 22? She speaks with the exhaustion of a 49-year-old former trophy wife who’s just been divorced and now has to get a job of her own after years of ordering the maid around. Life is tough sometimes.

“I kind of want to take a nap. From my whole life.”

Holly asserts that she’s been feeling hurt by everything that’s happened between them, and that she’s never felt so unwelcome, not even by that creepy guy who ran a hostel in Slovakia. “I feel like I’ve done nothing but try to make you feel at home, and now I hear you’re living with Lauren… or what… ever…” Heidi slurs. Holls breaks it down and tells Heidi that her problem has nothing to do with her – it’s all about Spencer (isn’t it always?). She brings up the valid point that if someone really loved her, they’d want every part of her life to be great – not push everyone away from her (HELLOOOOO, abuser checklist!). Heidi brushes off her concerns, until Holls asks if he ever told her that she came by the other day.

“Dr. 90210′s gonna kill me, but this scene kinda requires some kind of emotion.”

Blahdrina meets up with her beau at a tapas bar, and he looks like if James Dean fell into a vat of Dapper Dan hair gel.

Rebel Without A Scrotum

Or maybe if they cast Keanu Reeves as Dracula.

“I really wish they’d cast Winona as Blahdrina.”

Dude, the dude wears black nailpolish. Sigh, there’s no hope. Blahdrina asks if they can talk about him and Lauren. His eyes widen with sarcasm and asks what there is to talk about. I can kind of see why she’s upset, because he doesn’t answer the question directly; he asks how she could think he would do that (but seriously, a prissy bitch like LC? SOOO not his style). Faster than I can type the words out, he affirms, “I told you no, it didn’t happen, and if you don’t want to believe me, I don’t know what else to tell you.” I hate to say this, but it’s the only answer you can give if you’re really innocent. You can only tell the truth so many times before you start diverting from the question.

Pigpen adjusts his black velvet blazer and turns the tables on Blah, telling her that she cannot talk to him the way she did on the phone. “I know…” she says meekly. “No, you don’t know. I would truly never say those things to you,” he responds calmly, then recites a number of bleeped-out curses that I’m totally confident Blah used in one of her hourlong voicemails. She insists she said those things because he never called her back and she was freaking out, but he asks, “Why would I want to talk to someone who’s batshiat crazy and saying those things to me?” (That batshiat crazy part was mine, but we all know he’s thinking it.) He threatens to leave, saying he doesn’t want to deal with her because “this is f—in’ bull—-.” He calls her immature, and when she explains that she asked Lauren about it too, he instantly calms, smiles, and asks what Lauren said. Maybe he figures she said the same thing we all thought: “What? Ew!”

He calls her out on pretending to plead with him like she’s innocent, but that act won’t go far as long as he keeps bringing up her telephone tantrums. She sighs that she’s lost Lauren over it, and he squirms in his chair. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” she continues. “You know what? I gotta go. This is so stupid,” Pigpen says, and I kind of admire him for at least not bending to the will of her attention-grabbing ploys. He calls her fictitious, not right, a dude, and then sweeps his cape over his face and steals into the night.

“Dang. Now who am I going to dissect Nine Inch Nails lyrics with?”

Due to an unforeseen loss of friends, LC is forced to hang out with Stephanie outside of Fit’Em. Bummer. She meets up with the lesser blonde at a coffeehouse and I wonder why Steph always stares at LC with that creepy, robotic admiration before any conversation has begun.

She’s like an evil Cabbage Patch doll about to kill her owner.

LC prepares to drop the bomb on Steph, but apparently already Steph knows via text from Blah herself. Damn, did she SMS this shit or what?? Come to think of it, I even remember Blahdrina talking about it on Letterman. LC is appalled. She explains the fallout to Steph, who stands up for Blahdrina by reminding LC that Pigpen HAS hooked up with her friends before. Maybe so, but surely they were skank monsters, right? It is simply not possible that Pigpen is hot enough, even in person, to melt the frigid chastity of Lauren Conrad and her pesky standards. LC tells Steph about the unsuccessful chat at the LoLau Castle and wonders whether their friendship can survive. “Are you even going to sit down with her again?” Stephanie asks.

“Without precondition? That’s just dangerous.”

Heidi and her crimp-tastic hairdo arrive home, where Spencer is still in the kitchen. You know, for all of the complaining about mooches that Spencer does, how come nobody ever asks him what HE does for a living?

I hear puppet masters are in high demand these days.

Heidi launches into a complaint about her new cubicle, which amuses Spencer to no end. GOD. He is such a gem. Sometimes I wish these two crazy kids would just have babies already! Heidi asks Spencer how his day was, whether he saw anybody, subtle subtle subtle, and he answers a simple “no.” And with that, pouting time has begun.

Don’t you miss the Heidi that barely worried about skipping classes at Fit’Em?

At the ever-so-lonely Blahteau, Blah and sister Casey are having an eyeshadow-off. The goal is to see how many inches of makeup they can put on and still pretend to have a conversation about a lame (but probably faithful) boyfriend. I think Casey’s winning.

“Maybe you should talk to him… Oooh! I just raised an eyebrow! 10 bonus points!”

Blahdrina declares that she is ready to talk to Lauren now that she’s calmed down, but still vows not to apologize, since there’s clearly no reason to do so.

“I can move each feature of my face individually.”

Later, at Winston’s…

I’m hoping this will be symbolic of Blahdrina’s intent to shut the hell up.

Mmmm, nothing like an exposed spinal column to make the boys come runnin’.

Blahdrina tells LC that they need to talk. LC’s eyes glaze over with the serene defensiveness to which she’s become accustomed after five years of absolutely no privacy and an array of backstabbing bitches constantly hollering at her. “I never accused you, Lauren,” Blah begins, “I just asked you.” LC replies that she asked her several times, and, much like Amy Winehouse’s response to her producers’ requests for a stint at rehab, “I said no, no, no!” She remarks that it’s sad Blahdrina doesn’t believe her. “Do you understand what you’re accusing me of?” she says. Blahdrina meekly asks, “What was I supposed to do? I asked you!”

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE ME.” Lauren’s face is getting all red and puffy, and there are veins popping in her forehead. “Because I’m your friend and I’ve never been anything but to you. Tell me what I’ve done to make you think I’m capable of this.” And here’s where Bladrina gets the kooky out: “You want me to make you a list? You guys HAVE been flirting…”

“WHAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK??????”

Dude, she IS a nut. I mean, LC has never even run into Pigpen in the kitchen during breakfast or anything. She very understandably freaks out at this notion. “FLIRTING! Blahdrina, I would rather kill myself than hook up with him. He is disgusting. He DISGUSTS ME.” Blahdrina knows she’s losing the battle for audience sympathy, so she goes for the gold: “You’re doing the same thing that you did to Heidi to me.” At this point, I’m pretty sure that LC has given up on trying to save the friendship. “No, I’m not, because you’re WAY worse than HEIDI.” Damn girl, them’s fightin’ words. We all thought there was nothing worse than the rhino-Toxed collagen queen. Blahdrina’s eyes widen as though someone has just insulted her mother’s fidelity. “NO I’M F—ING NOT!” she seethes. LC weeps, exhausted, and tries to reason with Blahdrina, “You know me!” Blahdrina has no acceptable comeback, so she pulls one out that she probably heard in a movie on TBS that afternoon: “Apparently not.”

By the by, who is this random woman sitting in their booth and listening?

Blahdrina and the mystery woman (producer?) leave as LC sobs into Lo’s designer dress. I sit back in my La-Z-Boy, sip some whiskey and marvel at the awesomeness of REAL reality TV. I mean, okay, maybe some parts of it were fake, but I think that a lot of it was relatively authentic. We haven’t gotten an episode like this in months. Years, perhaps. LC was yelling/crying so hard I thought she might have an aneurism. A friend of mine told me today that she heard Blahdrina made up the rumor herself because she thought she wasn’t getting enough airtime on the show. But, as we all know… you can’t believe everything you hear.

I leave you with happy wishes for a gluttonous, long weekend and some extra screengrabs of everybody finding out that Heidi just got more plastic surgery. XOXOsnapp