Oh man. For everyone who’s never lived in Los Angeles, tonight’s episode of The Hills did a pretty good job of showing just what sort of a climate we exist in out here by the Pacific. I’m not the type that usually begrudges the young and beautiful for getting ahead in life (how could I begrudge myself? mwhahah. Just KEEDING), but sometimes you just gotta shake your head at the obnoxious and superficial ways the Hollywood totem pole operates. Take for instance sweet, idiotic Heidi. I’ve seen amoebas with greater job prospects than she, and yet, because she’s hot and has a camera crew trailing her around, she lives a charmed, albeit empty life. It’s a painful thing to watch when you’re a struggling writer in Hollywood, but hey, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop. Bring on the masochistic adventures!In true Laguna / Hills form, the episode began with LC narrating a brief recap of the last show. We relived all those wonderful moments — moving in, getting a job, watching Heidi jeopardize Lauren’s awesome job. Good times. Of course, LC wasn’t very happy about her friend crashing the Teen Vogue party. “Heidi did what she wanted, when she wanted,” LC complained. Because clearly LC had no part in Heidi getting into the party whatsoever…
Anyway, we found the two girls lounging around the apartment, trying on clothes. Heidi thought she had found a top she had wanted to wear, but Lauren advised her that it was a little short. “You and me, we have different short,” Heidi said. And by “short,” she meant “mental capacities.” Of which she has none. I’m pretty sure that at this moment, she’s gazing at a piece of dust floating in the air.
LC then told Heidi about how she and her buds got her in trouble at the party. “I got yelled at… well, no, I didn’t get yelled at. I got scolded,” LC explained. Yes, LC was still smarting from her run-in with her boss. Now she too knows the burning welt that only Lisa Love’s fire-tongue can inflict. Few have survived her passive-aggressive wrath!
Anyway, LC insisted that Heidi couldn’t crash any more of her work functions, to which Heidi replied, “Okay, we’ll make that a rule.” Yeah, you know, kind of how it was a rule LAST TIME.
We then saw the opening credits (which are not nearly as strangely transfixing as Hilary Duff’s Laguna Beach anthem), and then we learned this episode ominous title: “A Change of Plans.” Change of plans? What might happen? Will Heidi be struck by a bus? Or might she read her first book without pictures? The possibilities were endless!
Well, we soon headed to the Teen Vogue offices where LC and Whitney nervously awaited the stern reprimand of Lisa Love.
“No one ever said anything to me about letting them in, but hopefully everything’s okay,” Whitney said optimistically. Yeah, you keep thinking that. Meanwhile, she’ll be cleaning Lisa Love’s floors with a toothbrush in about forty-five minutes.
By the way, I love how at Whitney’s workstation, she’s taped a piece of Teen Vogue stationery to a cabinet, almost as if it were a memo or to-do list, but THERE’S NOTHING ON IT. Who posts blank paper??
Anyway, LC and Whitney continued to rehash the party, with LC saying that Heidi shouldn’t have crashed AND gotten into a fight. “No, that wasn’t really responsible,” Whitney said. Yeah, that wasn’t really responsible at all. Kind of like how you LET THEM IN.
We then cut to glorious Pan Pacific Park where aspiring actors and future waiters Jordan and Brian were playing basketball. Just a little refresher: Jordan is Heidi’s boyfriend. Brian is his sidekick. Anyway, the two talked about Jordan and how he’s always jealous of Heidi, but even though they fought at the Teen Vogue party, don’t worry. The two “made up” several times that weekend. I wonder if they “made up” in the ass?
“Did you ever ask Heidi if you could have a threesome with Lauren?” Brian then asked, later adding, “You gotta ask these sort of questions. You’re in Hollywood now. This isn’t North Carolina.” That’s right. Everyone in Hollywood does threesomes all the time. Why, after this, I have a standing engagement with Soleil Moon Frye and Ann Reinking. Grrrrrrrowl!
Back at the Teen Vogue office, we found Lauren busy with an afternoon of wild pencil erasing. She’s gonna make it after all! Unfortunately, there was one thing Lauren couldn’t erase: what happened at the party. Sure enough, loyal minion Blaine entered the intern closet and announced that Her Royal Highness Miss Lisa Love wanted to talk to LC. Uh oh. Somebody get the Epsom Salts ready!
Well, a humbled sat down in her boss’s office, and we knew she was in for trouble when Lisa Love walked to the door and shut it. She’s so gonna get out the cat-o’-nine-tails. Lisa Love takes no prisoners! By the way, last week I insisted that she ought to get a French last name, and the readers all offered up many wonderful suggestions. But alas, I have grown to love the trashy simplicity that is Lisa Love, and therefore, I will be calling her by her proper name at all times. Thank you all for participating.
Anyway, with the door closed, Lisa was ready to lay down the law. Sort of. She asked LC to explain her side of the story, but the fearful intern simply let out an “Um…” as if she had no idea what Lisa was talking about. In fact, every question Lisa asked was met with an increasingly shaky “Ummmm…” Ultimately, LC did the stupidest thing she could have done (especially since this was all televised): she lied. She acted as if she had no idea how her friends got in, and even though she looked like she was about to bawl from guilt, Lisa let it go. You could tell Lady Love saw right through this story, but hey, she wasn’t about to fire her prized intern. Instead, she let LC off easily, saying she was heading to New York for Fashion Week; so she had better behave. You know what that meant: PARTAY AT CASA DEL LOVE!
After this harsh (read: light) interrogation, LC returned to her desk and told Whitney everything. Wh-wh-wh-Whitney thanked her friend for saving her ass and not revealing her role in HeidiGate 2006, and then she pondered, “Maybe that was my fault for letting them in.” Uh yeah. I think so.
Meanwhile, back at the pool, we found MENSA poster child Heidi calling up her new bestie Audrina (who, it turns out, works right next to where I used to park my car for my old job. Wow. I was THIS close to being in The Hills… two years ago). Anyway, Heidi was bored and wanted to do something with Audrina, but whatevs! She had a “job,” whatever that is. Audrina actually had to work from nine to six every day. OMG! The HORRORS!!
We then cut to that night as the whole gang jaunted out to Hollywood, specifically a club called LAX. Everyone worried that they wouldn’t be able to get in, but uh, in case you forgot, girls, you were on the hottest teen sensation of the past two years. Me thinky you’ll be fine.
“No club can resist the power of my argyle!”
Sure enough the gang (the underage gang, no less!) made it into LAX without a problem, and inside, we got to glimpse at all the wild times when the youth of Hollywood is let loose in a club. And by that, we heard Brian babble about how he had an audition coming up. Wonderful! That might be his ticket right out of P.F. Chang’s!
Meanwhile, when Heidi disappeared into the darkness of the club, protective boyfriend Jordan became instantly jealous. As he should be. Without her, his hopes for fame would go right down the toilet. This is the way Hollywood works, by the way. It’s all one big daisy-chain of fame-seekers, and in this case, they’re all latched onto LC.
Well, Jordan’s fears soon abated when Heidi returned to him sans another boyfriend. She was all excited and had very big news. “I got an interview with Brent,” she said. At this point, I was crossing my fingers and praying that she didn’t mean Brent Bolthouse. For all the non-Angelenos out there, Brent Bolthouse is the über-party promoter here in Los Angeles. He’s the one who throws parties at clubs and only allows in celebrities and the ultra-beautiful. He then goes onto Indie 103.1 FM and tries to act like he totally hates the whole celebrity culture. Anyway, I hate him because I can’t get into his parties (but since I am a product of the Hollywood lifestyle, I’ll totally say that he’s the bestest if he puts me on his list. I never said I was above it!).
Sure enough, my worst fears came true. Heidi elaborated on who Brent was: “He owns Bolthouse.” Yes. His name is BRENT BOLTHOUSE, you idiot. Anyway, Brent Bolthouse apparently arranged for Heidi to come in and interview for a job, which I thought was pretty sad and transparent, if you ask me. If this doesn’t take down this guy’s Indie 103.1 cred, I don’t know what will. Nevertheless, Heidi could not have been more thrilled. Working for Brent Bolthouse would be her dream job. “And what do I love doing? Partying!” she exclaimed in vapid euphoria. I really didn’t think women like her existed outside of broad comedies.
Well, LC wasn’t that impressed by all this, and she decided to go home. After all, she and Heidi actually had school earlier that morning. But school schmool. Heidi was going to stay out. And so LC went home, leaving Heidi to bask in the great accomplishment that was securing a job interview with Brent Bolthouse. “Are you proud of me?” she asked her boyfriend. Yes, I’m sure he was very proud that her blonde hair, fleeting celebrity status, and trailing camera crew earned her an interview.
The next morning, LC and Heidi had to wake up for the first day of school. No problem for Lauren, but Heidi was not a happy camper. Nevertheless, she did somehow pull herself together, and the two made it to the campus alright, but before they had even crossed the quad, Heidi was already thinking about ditching her first class. I mean, it was like totally cutting into her tanning time. Whatever!
Meanwhile, over at Brian and Jordan’s pigsty of an apartment (which is not unlike mine), the two guys woke up, sat down shirtless in their living room, and attempted a conversation. Unfortunately, watching these two trying to form sentences at this early hour was akin to watching a slug making its way across a flagstone. Not very compelling. I don’t even know why were seeing this scene. It had something to do with Audrina. I think Brian was into her or something. I didn’t know, and honestly, I didn’t care either.
We then returned to college where Heidi was now sitting outside, calling Audrina on the phone. Heid asked Aud if she was interested in Brian because like Brian was totes into her. Like OMG. They should totally go on a date. But, you know, not on a night when Brian’s working at Fuddruckers.
Heidi then headed into the trendy FIDM student lounge where she passed the time playing an eventful game of solitaire. I personally was surprised she knew what all the numbers on the cards meant. As far as I could tell, Heidi couldn’t count much higher than four. LC soon joined her friend and asked how the first day was going.
“Ummm, I didn’t finish,” Heidi said, adding, “I’m a total idiot!” Apparently when Heidi was talking to Audrina, she was supposed to be in class, but she simply walked out in the middle because she like couldn’t deal. A disapproving Lauren then asked what other class she had, causing Heidi to sigh with annoyance and say, “Art.” What was this? Elementary school? Don’t classes have more descriptive titles than just “Art”? Nevertheless, Art wasn’t going to be in the cards for Heidi. “I already missed it today,” she said. “Because I couldn’t find it; so I was like screw this, I’m not going.” I don’t know how big FIDM is, but I have a feeling it’s not a sprawling campus. If Heidi couldn’t find a stupid classroom, then she has less hope than I ever thought possible. You know, if the professors really want her to show up, they should just put a velvet rope around the door. Heidi would be there in no time.
Later that day, Heidi met up with boy-toy Jordan, and the two talked about the whole college thing over a late lunch. Apparently Heidi was planning to drop out if she landed that sweet Brent Bolthouse job (which she surely would since, you know, she was mildly famous). You see, college and Heidi were not a match made in heaven. “You know when you get the feeling that you’re not meant to do something?” she asked, adding, “You know, like thinking?” Okay, she didn’t say that last part (the concept of “thinking” is totally foreign to her anyway). She continued: “I mean, school’s not meant for everyone.” To which Jordan proudly replied, “Pssht. I’m not in it!” He is, however, in the training program for Chipotle.
Of course, there are many people who never earn their college diplomas, which is totally fine, but there was something in Heidi’s brazen attitude that truly annoyed me. Probably it was her sense of comfort in knowing that she’d probably be able to toss her hair and nod to the cameras in order to get whatever she wanted in Hollywood. Ah, but I won’t get jealous. She’ll wind up with a vicious coke habit, and that will be the end of that.
The next morning, Heidi laid out a fancy outfit on the bed and asked Lauren what she thought of it, but the annoyed roommate simply asked, “Do you care what you look like?” Uh, is Star Jones stuffing her face with a Twinkie right now? The answer to both questions: YES.
“I wear sweats to school,” Lauren scoffed. But Heidi had quite the bombshell:
“I’m not going to school.”
Dunh dunh DUNH!!!
Heidi then explained the whole Bolthouse situation, which was that if she got the job, she’d drop out. After all, the only reason why she was taking classes was so that she could one day work for someone like Brent. So obviously, what would be the point if she already had the position? Duh!
“I thought we moved here to go to school together,” LC said, citing a clause in the unspoken sidekick contract. Ah, silly LC. YOU moved to L.A. to go to school with Heidi. She moved to piggyback on your fame and infiltrate the glitteratti. Should have stuck with Lo (or at the very least, Tantastic Jen).
Anyway, even though LC was disapproving, Heidi insisted that this Bolthouse job would be a once in a lifetime opportunity. She was sort of right. A year from now, she might not be famous anymore, and then what use is she to Brent Bolthouse? He only associates with famous people (on account of him needing to conquer the raging insecurity that comes with being beaten up every day in middle school).
We then headed back to Teen Vogue, and with the way Heidi was acting, it was clear that LC should adopt Whitney as her new sidekick. First of all, she was cuter (in my humble opinion); second of all, she was only fairly vacuous, (as opposed to being totally, 100% idiotic); and third of all, well, she just looked eager for a Master. The way she clung onto LC’s stories suggested that she was sorely hoping to be adopted.
Well, the two girls gabbed about Heidi, and LC explained how she was a bad interviewer (as if we didn’t already know). LC then proceeded to make fun of Heidi’s ditzy ways, which was pretty funny. I then crossed my fingers that we’d please, please, please get to see her interview.
Sure enough, we went to Brent Bolthouse’s spare but trendy offices where Heidi awaited her big interview. A big-haired assistant named Deb (rather pedestrian name for someone so close to Sir Bolthouse) offered Heidi some water, and then finally our eyes gazed upon him: Mr. Brent Bolthouse, typing on his computer. Of course, he put on that stoic, “I’m too cool for this” attitude and asked Heidi why she should work for him.
“I think that I’m extremely hard working, and I’ll go the extra mile, and I won’t quit until everything is like exactly the way you want it, and I don’t give up easily,” Heidi replied. Yes, she’s a hard worker and doesn’t give up easily. As evidenced by her stellar first day at school. Hey Brent, ask her about Art class.
Brent then said he just needed a second assistant to deal with the organizational stuff (read: you won’t be planning any parties anytime soon, missy) (read again: I just created this position for you and your camera crew — which I’m too cool for). He then noted that he hated drama and wanted as little as possible. Not a problem for Heidi! Hey, did she ever tell you about the time when she crashed the Teen Vogue party and almost got her friend fired for causing a scene? Yeah, good times.
Well, of course Heidi got the job, again cementing my suspicions that Brent Bolthouse just wanted the cameras around (how does he not have any other better qualified candidates?). Heidi immediately called LC, who said in complete monotone, “That is awesome. Congratulations, Heidi.” She then added, “Don’t let the lack of enthusiasm in my voice mislead you. I am very. very. happy.”
Okay, LC didn’t say that last part, but we could tell that she was seething. You know, at least with LC, there’s some sense of — I don’t know — humility? Work ethic? Pensiveness? She can probably access all the things Heidi can — if not more — but at least she doesn’t seem to be relying on her good looks and fame to do all the heavy lifting. As far as we can tell, I should say.
Anyway, Heidi continued to gush, saying, “I’m only like nineteen, and I have my dream job!”
“Oh. Good for you. What could go wrong?” LC said bitterly. Hahaha. She’s SO switching sidekicks to Whitney. This will be like season one of Sorority Girls when Jordan’s sidekick Amanda broke away and began hanging out with Candace instead. Oh, the glory days.
“What’s that you say? You have a lunch break? WOW!!”
“That was so funny, LC! Can I be your sidekick?”
Finally, LC couldn’t deal with Heidi anymore and literally hung up on her. “Lauren? Lauren?” Heidi asked over and over again. Pssst. When your phone says “Disconnected,” that usually means the other person ISN’T THERE ANYMORE.
And so a perfectly content Heidi walked off, and as the credits rolled, we were treated to lovely images of Los Angeles at sunset, including one tasty shot of the city cloaked in smog. Fantastic. Just another day in The Hills!
What did you think about this episode? Is Heidi becoming the girl we love to hate this summer? And do I have a shot of ever making it onto Brent Bolthouse’s guest list now that I’ve written this recap?