What Happens In Vegas… Ends Up On National TV

“Are you saying you DIDN’T notice my Bling Hail Mary Glow?”

Well, kids, it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions this season… we’ve been all over the world (well, 3 cities), leapt from internship to career (both with frigidly bitchy bosses), seen LC alienate and passively drop a best friend and roommate (sound familiar?), seen the sputtering rise and flaccid plateau of Lady Pratt’s villainy (although we can hold higher hopes for next season), and watched Spencer and Heidi navigate the complicated waters of love (if by complicated you mean tepid, boring, and annoyingly repetitive). We’ve also seen a whole lot of parentheses. We’ve finally come to the end of our journey. Welcome, ladies and gents (although I’d love to meet any gent who’s actually reading a recap of this show) to the second season finale of season 3 of The Hills!We open at the Little Tokyo Lofts, where Blahdrina and Pigpen are house-hunting, though probably not in the way that Blahdrina has always imagined it would be with Pigpen. My guess is THAT kind of house-hunting would involve rummaging around various boxes behind garbage dumpsters, perhaps a two-story! Although with Pigpen’s newly adolescent-mature look, they could perhaps upgrade to crouching under some scaffolding.

He should have been an Oakley model.

Anyway, Blahdrina inspects a suitably beige and sun-filled loft and ponders whether this would be the right place for her. She likes the open space. “It IS an open space,” Pigpen confirms. “I like it.” Good to know we have his approval. But Blahdrina feels that she would be too far away from everyone else. You know what would solve that? Moving into your best friend’s backyard. Oh wait.

Pigpen points out the benefit that living alone, when she comes home only SHE will know where she is. Sure, because then no one will know when you’re missing. I’m pretty sure that’s listed as a pro only by kidnappers and serial murderers who work day jobs as real estate agents (and those are the worst kind!).

But Blahdrina agrees, and remarks that it WOULD be fun to decorate. With what, eggshell-colored pillows and taupe bedsheets? And anyway, she already has an entire mini-house that she just decorated, where she basically lives alone, only a few steps away from her friend (and a little bitch attracted to shiny things that squeak. And a dog). Why is she trying so hard to be even more alone? Maybe, just maybe, she’s trying to live her own life… on her own terms. With her own reality show. Cue music. She’s already set to lip-synch the opening song.

“Feel the rain on your… wait, what’s the rest?”

Speaking of real estate, after the opening credits we sweep over the Hollywood Hills and over some super-mansions that probably belong to actual working actors, like oh say, Jennifer Aniston. Now there’s a girl who knows how to be single. Anyway, at Heidi’s lowly apartment, Spencer answers the door to a familiar face.

The Ghost Of Breakup Past

Just kidding, it’s only the female, less-pube-faced version of him, sister Steph. She trounces in, accusing him of sleeping at his own girlfriend’s house and says he’s not acting like himself. Spence maintains his blame-Heidi-at-all-costs philosophy, reporting that he’s lost his mind, Heidi has made him lose his mind! Sympathetic for 2.5 seconds, Stephanie asks him whether, if she tells him where Heidi is, he will promise not to do anything crazy. Before she even gets the operative word (CRAZY!) out of her glossy mouth, Spencer whips his head around and lies, “100%.” Damn. This is how wacky road trip comedies are born.

So, apparently, I was either confused last week or those clever editors at MTV have purposefully duped us all, because the story that Stephanie spins makes it sound like there is a shred of possibility that Heidi Montag could move out of her beloved tanning bed known as Los Angeles and relocate to Las Vegas. I don’t buy it, but Spencer’s pretending to.

“But what about all that time we invested posing for US Weekly?”

“We’re going to Vegas!” he declares, less gleefully than that punctuation probably denoted. I just like the mental picture of Spencer throwing his hands up and shaking his hips like it’s gonna be a sorority vacay. Stephanie looks pretty pissed but doesn’t do anything to stop him, instead taking the passenger seat for requisite warning glares. Hey, anything for more air time, am I right? In any case, I hope D.J. Qualls is in the backseat.

As we head to Vegas, some aerial shots look suspiciously like well-lit miniature models of the town. This just looks like a display from a souvenir shop in NYC. Can I get a “hell yeah?”

Five Dallah

At the Sahara, Ol’ Sammy Boy is guiding a money tour of the casino, while Heidi, the only cute, skinny, fake-boobed blonde chick in a group of five fame-hungry men in black, pretends to take notes. This is a good group dynamic, I’m sure. She probably gets a ton of respect giggling at all of Sam’s jokes and swooning, “Ammmmaaaaaziiiinnnggg” at the turn of every corner. He’s showing you a casino he wants to buy, not his personal penthouse loft.

Back in L.A., LC has begun full-time (read: whenever cameras are around) work at People’s Revolution. Hey, remember the days when, to get a job, these girls had to at least pretend to go on an interview? I guess they had to kill that practice when too many 18-year-olds were showing up to interviews with PR firms, blathering, “Retail?! Ummm, I just wanna plan parties and be, like, the fun party girl in L.A.!” Anyway, Whitney asks how Blahdrina is do-ink and – oh holy lord – what is that – I haven’t seen this phenomenon in what feels like months – is it?! Could it be?! IT IS!

COLOR! PRAISE THE LORD!

Didn’t know they had Technicolor over at MTV Studios. Kelly Cutthroat must be outta town. So LC explains how difficult things are rapidly becoming at home and insists that she doesn’t think she did anythink. Uh-oh. Maybe she should cut down on the Speech Therapy With Whitney classes. Whitney insists that if there’s a problem, she should talk to Blah. But LC reveals that all they ever had in common was living together, so how close would they be without that? I wonder what they ever had in common before they moved in together.

En route to the city of neon, Spencer has, indeed, dragged his sister along for no apparent reason. Perhaps she’s a fabulous road DJ. Maybe he wanted someone to bounce ideas off of for his win-Heidi-back speech. Or maybe he just wanted someone around in case any spontaneous Jane Fonda aerobics broke out along the way.

Either way, he’s totally covered.

However, she’s hesitant, stating for the record that she does not want to be “an accumpliss.” No danger of that, dearie. You’re around for same reasons as those inflatable Santa lawn ornaments: seasonal tacky decoration. Spencer knows this too, and “sshhh”s her even during the few moments she actually does shut up. That’s kind of like telling your dog to sit when he already is, then declaring, “Ta da!” to all your beer-guzzling buddies.

In a ploy to show she COULD be a CTU field agent, Steph rings up Heidi to squeeze out some vital info about her whereabouts, while Spencer shakes his head with fury and a little girl in the car beside him stares during a stoplight. Twenty years ago, that woulda been me, blowing on the glass and making face until he looked over.

“Pssst… your face looks like a blonde crotch.”

That shot must have lasted approximately ten years, because when we cut back to Stephanie, she’s about thirty pounds heavier and is lookin’ like she’s on the 2007 side of VMA Britney.

“Let’s go get some cigarettes, y’all!”

They roll up on the Palazzo like it’s LC at Opera and Spencer leaps out of the car, asking the valet where da club is. That valet must have thought Spencer REALLY needed to boogie, like RIGHT NOW. Lady Pratt calls out “Spencer! Wait, Spencer!” Doesn’t she know by now that shouting his name repeatedly has no effect on his actions? I’m sure there’s something in there about how his mother disciplined him (or didn’t) and how that has carried into his hot-headed adulthood (and I use the term technically only) but I won’t delve too deeply here. We’ll save it for the good folks at PsychotherapyGasm.

“You seem like a nice young fellow… know where a girl can score an eight-ball?”

Bolthouse doesn’t have to reserve its drunken antics and boss-on-underling flirtation for Christmas parties. They just fly to Vegas! (Me, I just wait for my liquid lunch.) Inside the Palazzo, Heidi is either laughing uncontrollably at her mobster boss’ latest joke or smiling politely while shivering. You never can tell with these California girls. Spencer makes his way through the bar like a hammerhead shark, weaving through the room with his forehead leading the way. He comes up behind the group and interrupts, startling (not to mention embarrassing) Heidi. Hey, she’s just lucky he didn’t goose her like Coletti would have. She excuses herself and leaves the table, to the confusion of all of her bosses. No one knows who that douche was. “You’re askin’ me?” quips Tony Soprano.

“… So I tells the guy, I tells him, ‘no, I didn’t have him wacked, I just had him killed!’ Ahahahahahaha!”

The umpteenth fight of the season begins as Heidi (rightly) scolds Spence for barging in on her 5-way dinner date. Spencer says he can’t live with her living in Vegas the way things ended (or did they?) between them. Heidi rebukes with the theory that the whole relationship is only convenient for him. Duh. She spouts off a list of things they do only when he wants it, and curiously includes the detail “waking up with me.” That’s kind of weird. Some other things I believe they only do when it’s convenient for Spencer:

1) Massaging Heidi’s feet.
2) Letting Heidi blow him.
3) Taking Heidi to Don Antonio’s for life-changing margaritas (which will get her drunk enough to blow him).

They yammer on for a bit about the same old shit, until finally I’m like, Oh, what? THAT’S what they’re fighting about? I totally have forgotten what they started fighting about in the first place, either because it’s been so damn long or because I know they’re not really broken up or because I’m really tired of hearing the two of them use those same passively terse tones with each other. But they’re fighting because he wants to be with her too much and she’s never around? I always thought they spent their days pretend-fighting on camera and planning matching golfing outfits. And really, who’s too busy for that?

Only Tiger Woods

Spencer begs Heidi to come home with him (never, I might add, apologizing or saying he loves her, at least not that we saw), and Heidi pouts in response. She returns to her table full of variations on black-on-black outfits, and they all promptly rise and make an excuse about getting up early in the morning. Easy fellas, you haven’t banged her yet. Left alone, Brent tells Heidi that she’s gotta put that bitch on a leash, and make some decisions about her job while he’s off entertaining Tony Soprano with trips to the strip club.

Back at the LauLoBlahteau, the blondes are making dinner while Chloe The Dog follows LC around the kitchen just like Heidi used to do, all those seasons ago. LC tests out some crab legs, unsure if they’re done, and passes one to Lo for testing. “They’re definitely done,” Lo confirms. I’d like to note that we never see how they fare 2 hours after this scene. My guess is that they both keeled over from seafood poisoning.

When, oh when will LC drop this Fair Maiden braided look?

LC mentions that she told Blahdrina about this little Red Lobsterfest, to which Lo suddenly looks blank, then says “Oohhhh yeah,” as though she just remembered that they live with that one brunette chick. Lauren bangs on a cowbell to call Blah to the table (classy), while Lo fake-yells for her not unlike the way you’d fake a stadium crowd-goes-wild sound.

“Can she hear me if I whisper?”

I’m not sure why they don’t just call Blahdrina, or, you know, go knock on her door. This is one of those rare instances in life where you need LESS cowbell. Lo threatens to eat all the cheese before Blahdrina arrives (that’ll learn her) “which is not going to be good for my behind.” LC sighs as though she can’t even muster up the “no, Lo, you’re not fat” required compliment tonight. They talk about why they’re uncomfortable with Blahdrina, and Lo says “it’s not gonna get any better.” Well, not with that attitude! Just then, Blah walks past in a skanky black pleather outfit, headed out for a night on the town.

“Looks like someone doesn’t like crab!”

In Vegas, a limo pulls up next to Brent while some junkie in a red bowling shirt walks over and mutters “Welcome to the Bellagio.” Tony Soprano emerges from the car and Brent asks for just two more minutes to wait for Heidi, but Tony ain’t havin’ it. “I’ll be in the caw,” he grumbles with displeasure. Brent makes one more attempt at calling her, but, seeing his own ass on the line, ultimately decides to peace out and save his own job.

“Yo, got a dollar for the bus?”

And the next shot we see is Spencer & Heidi descending the escalator together. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Fucking. Kidding. Me. You’re telling me that Heidi not only quit her (fake) job altogether just to spend more time with Spencer, but she did it by not even making a phone call to her boss? Didn’t Heidi learn ANYTHING from LC’s Paris/Jason fiasco??? Opportunities like that don’t just come around twice in a lifetime. I mean, unless you’re LC, in which case, they do. Aw fuck. I seriously fear for the legions of teenage girls who look to the Hills Heroines as role models. Girls, this is NOT the way to run your life.

The cost of Heidi’s heart

Sigh. Let’s see if there are any other poor life choices being made. At the LauLoBlahteau, Lauren wanders into Lo’s room, where the latter is texting in bed. Tsk, tsk, don’t get crumbs on your sheets! LC earnestly pours her heart out to an uncaring Lo about wanting to go to Blahdrina and comfort her as a friend (which is actually really sweet), but Lo looks at her with the sternness of a ruler-wielding nun.

“NO MASTURBATING.”

Well, at least that’s more appropriate than what she does next, which is giggle and say it’s so ridiculous while LC is crying on her bed. Ummmmm, okay… probably not the support Lauren was looking for, but we’ll take it, I guess. LC exits the house, walks all the way around the pool, and knock’s on Blahdrina’s door. Blah, reading on the couch and looking like death tanned over, beckons her in. LC compliments her on the décor.

“Yeah, I love that Skittles On A Baguette look.”

Yeah, I like how you mixed earth tones with electric blue and neon green. Most people probably wouldn’t try that. And most people would be right. “You have good taste,” LC offers, and Blahdrina shrugs, nodding, all, “Duh.” Lauren sits down and there is that unbelievably awkward pause between the two of them, the one that says “So, what do you want?” and “Are we about to fight?” and “I fucking hate Lo” all in one moment.

LC comments on how Blah never comes to the Big House. Blahdrina says she doesn’t feel welcome up there. LC says she and Lo want her up there. Blahdrina diverts her eyes. LC already is fighting tears, but trying to sputter out some kind of peace offering. Then something weird happens. As Blahdrina lightly accuses LC of ignoring her around Lo and LC defends herself and her oldest friend, there is a ring of… dare I say it… truth to their conversation. There are no “I wanna forgive you, and I wanna forget you,” perfect-sounding, script-y lines. It’s a normal, very uncomfortable confrontation between two friends, with what appears to be an appropriate amount of pauses and silence between sentences. Neither of them seems to know what to say to each other, but they’re trying. I’m not sure what I’m viewing here, but as Lauren’s lower lip trembles wildly, it feels actually sad to watch.

Lauren stares at Blahdrina at one point. “Well. I don’t want to fight any more, I just wanted to… tell you how I feel.” That’s not the way to solve anything! Blah knows that, so she doesn’t let her leave and instead tells LC that she’s been feeling this way because of Lo. “I don’t let the opinions of others affect my friendships,” LC insists, which, first of all, I don’t really believe – and if I had all three seasons on DVD I could probably find an instance where she’s wrong but I don’t trust my memory alone (I’ve been corrected before). Secondly, that just tells us all that Lo’s been talking shit about Blahdrina behind her back. In the end, nothing at all is accomplished, but LC does emerge from the house unscathed, so that’s a good sign. Then we get this shot of Spencer & Heidi, the location of which I’m not sure:

Soooo…. I guess Stephanie went back to L.A.?

And that’s that. Well, it appears as though Heidi and Spencer are on again (but were they ever really off?). And is this the end of the LauLoBlahteau? So soon? I’d just gotten used to typing that. And finally, will Lauren Conrad EVER get laid again??? All of these questions seem raised and answered in the preview for next season, about which I have only three words: Totally. Fucking. Awesome. I know I’ll be disappointed, but I already can’t wait.

It’s been downright fabulous recapping this mini-season, and I thank you for reading and giving me a chance. I hope I won back at least one or two of the haters, and if not, eh. Whatev’s. Have a marvelous summer, dahlings, and hopefully by next season, those wretched headbands will be out of style – again.