The Hills: Hush Little Holly, Don’t Say A Word

Would probably make a better Republican presidential candidate.

Wow. You know, there’s nothing like a good verbal beat-down when it comes to protecting the honor of a weak living Barbie Doll. On this week’s episode, Holly Montag ups the ante on familial defense with her cojones of steel, Pigpen secures his nook in Blahdrina’s vagina, and I take the liberty of inventing some words to integrate into the cultural lexicon. Who’s with me?
We open at the LauLoBlahteau, where LC has enlisted Lo’s help for a very difficult Fit’Em assignment involving reading fashion mags and cutting pretty pictures out of them. I tells ya, if that’s all it takes to get a design degree, just call me ValentinoSnapp.

A+

They gossip about Stephanie and Holls (the only two interesting people in L.A., according to these two) and Lo maintains her clean look with perfect pearl earrings while LC looks dingier by the week, still struggling with that awful ‘stache. I know I keep mentioning it, but what is UP with that thing, anyway? Just go one shade lighter with the foundation, hon. Also, Lo bears an eerie resemblance to that hot lady on “Cold Case” who constantly looks like she’s been crying all day.

“I don’t think it was suicide…. I THINK SHE WAS MURDERED.”

“What about this angle? Is this better?”

LC reasons that, with Holly, it’s awkward because she’s blood-related to an evil ho. But at the same time, “she’s a friend who… I was friends with.” I can see how that would be a sticky situation, especially all of those friends who were actually your enemies – Heidi, Stephanie, most of MTV’s flaxen-haired Los Anglelicans. We’ll call them LC’s blondetourage. Nonetheless, the only golden girl to remain on Team LC, Lo, encourages her to go out with Holly anyway. “Drinks are harmless,” she reasons. Ha. Sure, tell that to the thirteen girls who got knocked up after my high school prom. Or date rape victims. Or alcoholics. Fuck, maybe we should bring back the Prohibition?

She might be pondering deeply… or perhaps she’s posing for her own charcoal portrait.

We get an adorable transition involving chicks toting yoga mats and people running around the streets ON PURPOSE. I’ll never understand those crazy Californians. Blahdrina and Chiara take a seat at Epic’s cafeteria among the peons of regular folk. Hey Chiara! Give it up for the real girls and their real chests!

Bird On An Underwire

Chiara with her wig-like hair reminds me of this doll I used to have as a little girl. She was a cherubic-faced brunette that I named Stacy, who I actually liked more than my other dolls, but for some reason I always made her just sit there rather blankly and listen to my Barbie’s inane complaints about Ken and his small, wandering penis and ugly goatee until finally I’d make Stacy bludgeon Barbie with a small metal object.

AND she came with her own plastic brush!

ANYWAY, Blahdrina babbles on about some boy who asked her on a date, Colin. Chiara mumbles how great it is while longingly watching people walk by, envious of their freedom to just get up and walk away from any conversation. To be fair, she’s probably also hoping that this Colin fellow doesn’t live in a cardboard box. Here’s to mail-deliverable addresses! Blahdrina brazenly mentions that she didn’t tell Pigpen – perish the thought! That detail thrown in plus this facial expression tells me that there’s gonna be some drama ’round these parts.

“Can’t wait for THIS storyline to develop!”

At lunch, Heidi is a feast for the eyes of cascading blonde locks, glowing in the sunlight like a goddamn halo. If she wasn’t wearing an inch of eyeliner and had her original nose, lips, and cheekbones and wasn’t trying so hard to frown without her brow, I’d almost think she looks like an angel. Almost. Well, maybe a confused angel.

The stuff of poetry, truly.

Holls reports how amazingly happy LC is, in a way that she hasn’t been since the last time a friend totally rejected her for a boy. Not counting Stephanie, of course. Heidi seems like she’s a breath away from bawling at every moment – perhaps her patience for Spencer and enthusiasm for total isolation is wearing thin? Nah.

Heidi moans that she wishes she could join in on the fun of catching up on what’s been going on with LC in the last two years. I make a mental note to email her a link to TVGasm. She disbelievingly laments her inability to talk to her BEST FRIEND “because of something I had nothing to do with.” Say what??

Valedictorian of the Sarah Palin School Of Logic

Holly tries to give her big sisterly advice but Heidi’s too busy complaining about losing her BFF to hear what Holly’s saying under her. Certainly, dear, complaining will get you everywhere in this world. It’s gotten you this far! She takes the Momtag way out and works up some tears for sympathy. Holls suggests she write a letter to LC, but Heidi’s afraid she won’t read it. Perhaps because of that whole “forgive you/forget you” exchange? Hmm. If you were LC, would you read it? I’d like to say I’d tear down a wall and build myself a fireplace in my own California home just to have a place to burn it, but then again, I have a pretty strong curiosity and would probably be DYING to at least see how many spelling errors she makes.

MTV’s music selection gets evermore sloppy as we’re led into the next scene with a song that’s not only full of sappy lyrics AND has an off-key singer, it’s not even catchy! Step it up, MTV. Live up to your own M at least. Anyway, then it’s time for another date set up by the casting director. Ladies and gentlemen, Colin.

Tonight’s dreamboat brought to you by Prell.

They exchange the typical first date awkwartries (they’re like pleasantries but horribly uncomfortable) like talking about how one of them used to ride a mechanical bull for a living. I’ll let you guess who. Then Colin asks Blahdrina how she got involved with Sony.

“Well all I had to DO was get a nice fake rack and have my own camera crew.”

Colin agrees that he’s “always been into music.” OMG, Blah, this may be your soul mate! You know, I would like to meet one person in my life who does NOT LIKE MUSIC. Not just someone who says, “I like everything but country and heavy metal” (although I would also like to meet someone who ONLY likes country and heavy metal), but someone who genuinely refuses to listen to dulcet tunes. Someone who will only listen to NPR and commercial breaks. If you are any of the above, please email me with a photo and a dirty joke to staff@tvgasm.com.

Jesus. Anyway. Back to the unique couple on a one-of-a-kind date. Blahdrina says that her job “doesn’t really feel like work, it’s, like, hanging out.” I can see how that would be true to someone who gets paid to have a camera follow her every move and non-move. They cheers to… nothing in particular and Blahdrina winces, remarking that her drink is “kinda strong.” Let’s hope she doesn’t pass out and become one of the above-listed reasons for a return to the Prohibition.

“Ick. This Rohypnol tastes like alcohol.”

Blahdrina mentions (oh so subtly!) how she hates when couples fight when they get drunk. Who could she possibly be referring to? (eye roll.) Colin assures her that he’s the happiest drunk she’ll ever meet and her eyes light up like a tree on Christmas Day.

“Oooh! Just like Daddy!”

“Like Pigpen…” she continues, pretty buzzed herself. “Whenever he drinks, we get in fights.” Hmmmm, methinks it’s probably best not to mention an ex- (or half-current) boyfriend when you’re OUT ON A DATE. Colin deftly averts the awkwardness by assuring Blah that he just gets a bigger smile the more inebriated he becomes, and she relaxes and says she’s the same way when she gets fucked up, then they both guzzle tumblers full of gin ‘n’ tonics and cross their fingers that they’ve found incarnations of their parents in each other.

This episode brought to you by Liquor For America.

At the Hills-approved S Bar, LC repeats robotically, “CUTE MAN AT BAR COME SERVE.” I’m sorry, but LC’s standards seem to have plummeted. I’ll make eyes at just about anything that moves, but even this one’s a little too curl-product/scruffy for me.

Cromagno-tender

Holls enters, done up and glittered out and looking like everybody else in their zip code (conformity success!) and she, LC and Lo trade high-pitched compliments on each other’s fashion sense. LC and Holly trade a hilarious(-ly lame) story about an air mattress, and then LC gets down to business, tsk-tsking about Heidi and her heightened nuttiness since Spencer ambled along. Holls pushes the reunion possibility pretty hard, insisting that Heidi misses LC. Luckily, our girl Lauren has an index card full of brush-off clichés, all in a row! “It’s water under the bridge, it’s done, and things have happened!” True, all true. The three blondettes all just sit around and stare at each other, nodding, until Lo remarks how like Heidi Holly is in her mannerisms. Did anybody else notice the involuntary twitch and grimace that Holly pulled at that?

“Oooh, do go on about Heidi’s dysfunction?”

Hey, remember when LC used to work at that corner shop called People’s Revolution? And there was that OTHER blonde girl who used to work there? What was her name? Willa? Wanda? Winona? Oh yeah, Whitney. Whit seems to be likewise recruited in LC’s hag-mag assignment as she is standing around, flipping through the latest Vogue when LC enters (I’m estimating 15-20 minutes late). They sit at their combo-desk together and Lauren snottily tosses a letter at Whitney. “SOMEONE sent me a letter!” she sneers. Whit reads the letter aloud, which is full of apologies and sentiments of “cherished memories.”

“P.S. I’ve enclosed a Nair sample for your convenience. XOXO.”

Truthfully, the letter IS very apologetic and mature, but uses bigger words than I think Heidi knows, so anyone could have written it. Then again, she signs it, “Sincerely, Heidi Montag” and I’m guessing the I’s are dotted with hearts, so it’s anybody’s guess. Whitney theorizes that Heidi must feel incredibly lonely and that she has no girlfriends. Ding ding ding! Congratulations, Whitney! You win the Hills Fuckin’ Obvious trivia show! You and a guest will enjoy six days and seven nights in the lap of luxury at the Holiday Inn in beautiful Akron, Ohio!

Weirdly, LC sighs that even after all this time, Heidi “still can’t just blame Spencer.” WTFuck is she talking about? She’s been blaming everyone but herself, INCLUDING Spencer, for like three years! This “my fault” letter is the biggest thing she’s done since that line of coke at Les Deux that one time!

“Hooray, I finally found my perfect angle!”

Blahdrina meets Colin and his impeccably wavy hair at some Italian restaurant, and evidently they’re getting the Early Bird Special ‘cuz it’s still light out and there’s no one else at the place. Blahdrina breezes in and complains about feeling SOOO tired because she got, like, NO sleep last night but it was great anyway because she was talking to Pigpen. What kind of oddly self-centered jerkface tells the Nice Guy she’s on a date with about staying up late with her on-again/off-again fuckbuddy?

Someone with unnervingly bright teeth?

Colin calls her out on it, saying it’s a shame because he really “connects” with her. On what level, I wonder? On their shared love for all things buttered? Or perhaps their common belief that there is, in fact, more bounce to the ounce? Anyway, Blahdrina stiffly denies that she and this fellow she’s constantly talking about is her boyfriend. She then goes on to say, “But, so…. about Pigpen…” and talks about how weird things are with him. STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM HE IS A DOUCHEFACE. Followed by ten back-and-forth shots of Blahdrina wincing uncomfortably, “sorreeeeee” and Colin gritting his teeth and looking ready to leave.

“But… I keep getting even CUTER. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

Meanwhile, Holls enters the LauLoBlahteau… after dark! This must mean their friendship is getting serious. They might have a sleepover! LC asks if she wants something to eat and shoves a pile of recipes Holly’s way, but warns, “I’m not a very big cooker.”

“…or speaker of the English language thingie.”

LC is grumbling about how she MUST find a man who can cook when Holly asks if she’s received any special anti-friend mail lately. LC confirms, then the two go back and forth about whether it means anything, the conversation markedly peppered with the sound of crickets (literally! I’m serious! Crickets!) in the background during each silence. LC concedes that the situation IS “super-sad,” but ultimately Heidi made her own bed and now she has to fuck Spencer in it.

LC reiterates that she’s forgiven Heidi, but has no interest in reuniting with her. “Does she… I dunno how to say this,” LC begins. “She has good friends, right?” Holls looks down. “Ummmmmmmmmmmm…..”

“Is nailpolish a friend?”

“She has… me?” And I’m pretty sure even Holly doesn’t like her. LC says that she wouldn’t mind being friends (although she never uses the word) with Heidi, if only she wasn’t flanked by that pubeface all the time. Holly makes a mental note that Spencer is the only thing keeping the duo apart and vows to destroy the pube at once.

Some other day thereafter, Blahdrina joins LC for a backyard tanning sesh (true friendship endures!) and Blahdrina gabs about how her last date with Colin was really her LAST date with him. “It’s just that whenever he asked about Pigpen… I mean, I had to tell him the truth!” Okay, I know that there is “clever” editing on this show and everything, but from what we saw, he never asked anything. She just couldn’t stop talking about her vagrant lover boy.

Blahdrina comes to terms with the fact that until she finds someone to make her forget about that faint smell of dirt combined with b.o. with a dash of belch thrown in for good measure, Pigpen “will always be in the picture.” I’m not sure why. “Oh, J.B.,” Lauren sighs. Shouldn’t it be O.D.B?

Meanwhile, LC’s shades take over the requisite minimum 68% of her face.

LC uncharacteristically recommends that Blah NOT get over Pigpen but, instead, that she simply tell P.p. about how she’s sleeping around on him. I briefly wonder whether LC had a past life as a 1970s Cosmo magazine advice columnist.

Moving on, LC fills Blah in on the latest gossip about Heidi and Holly and the letter and how much fun they used to have before Blahdrina came into their lives. To be honest, I’m pretty sick of suddenly hearing how much fun they used to have if they’re not willing to go ahead and just BE FRIENDS AGAIN. Lauren gets very deep for a hot second and wonders what life would be like if Heidi’d never met her master. “Very different,” Blahdrina offers. Dumbass.

“Can-Can?” “Can-Can! 5, 6, 7, 8….”

You know, as a recapper I’ve covered some horrendously un-funny, un-entertaining shows. Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth trying to find something giggle-worthy to write about. And sometimes, the joking on my part is simply totally unnecessary. Observe:

Scene: Pigpen and Blahdrina enter generic cozy coffee shop. Pigpen (in flannel jacket that inaugurates the return of ’90s grunge) remarks on coldness of perfect 70-degree weather. Pause.

Pigpen: Hey. If I get this tattoo gun… can I tattoo your butt?

I’m just gonna let that one sink in for a minute.

Ah. You’re welcome. Pigpen calls her “dude” and asks what’s new. She doesn’t say anything for a good few seconds and I wonder what her fucking hesitation is at talking about one date in front of another. Man up, Blahdrina! “Well…. I went on this date the other night…” she begins.

“A whaaaahhhh?????” Pigpen nearly chokes on his double espresso. She hesitantly talks about her “innocent, fun little date” as Pigpen’s eyes twitchingly dart back and forth like a hooker on the lookout for the PoPo. Then he asks the deal-breaker question: “Did he pull out your chair for you?” Blahdrina proudly responds, “AND opened the door!” I was starting to feel a smidgen of sorry for Pigpen until this eerie politician’s smile crept across his face.

“See, there’s your problem. You can’t trust those chair puller-outers.”

Yeah, then of course he starts turning the tables on poor, vulnerable Blahdrina, so easily manipulated. She says Colin’s nice. “Nice is good, nice gets you far. So far that he’s not here! HA HA HA!” he cackles maniacally. Point: bad boy. Blahdrina meekly counters that HE’s dating other people too. “Can I do that, will that make you mad? Have you really thought about this?” he presses her. It’s a shame, because we all know that it DOES make her mad because it’s not like he’s telling his homeboys that he needs to find some chick to help him get over ol’ Zombie Eyes here. Infuriatingly, he chides her for going about this immaturely (POT… KETTLE… BLACK…).

Finally, at La Casa De Douchey, Heidi’s filling in the role of Rapunzel rather nicely, all golden-haired and pretty, stuck in her second-story apartment with no friends or anyone to talk to but the bluebirds at her window.

“When’s my goddamn prince gonna come?”

That is, of course, until Holls comes in to chat about Lauren and The Letter. Holly tells her LC misses her, and Heidi wearily explains that LC can befriend her again if she wishes; “I would be okay to do whatever, because… obviously I miss her and that was my best friend,” she sighs, clearly exhausted by the boring, empty drama her life has become. Holly presses further until one Spencer Pratt enters the room.

“Get outta here, we’re talking about menstrual cramps.”

The girls fall into silence as Spencer leans against the couch and peers at them. It kind of feels like they’re… scared of him? In the most disturbingly patient way, he quietly demands to know why they’re talking about Lauren. Heidi turns away from him without a word and looks to her sister for rescue. The whole thing kind of reminds me of a thriller movie where two prisoners are just about to escape but then the warden comes in and they have to invent some kind of excuse for crafting a shiv out of a bar of soap or something.

While Heidi swallows and explains why she would dare write a letter to Frau Conrad, Spencer furrows his brow deeply like he’s almost sad that he’s going to have to beat Heidi tonight.

“Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em. And by ‘em, I mean me.”

“You leave me no choice, my dear.”

Fuhrer Pratt accuses Holly of making Heidi keep secrets because, naturally, “when you don’t tell someone something, that’s a secret.” Actually, that’s called an omission. Once Holly (clearly the strong one in the family) starts fighting back, Spencer raises his voice with, “Who’s talking to you?” “I’m HER FAMILY!” she shoots back, with PowerPoint presentation hand gestures to illustrate. Unable to debate logic, Spencer resorts to his old standby, the good-old “SHHHHHHHH” finger-over-mouth tactic.

Holly reveals (is it really a reveal? Hasn’t it been pretty goddamn obvious since three seasons ago?) that Spencer is the reason LC won’t be friends with her. Unsure of what to say or who to align with, Heidi’s head volleys between her boy and her sis, who are debating the finer points of loyalty (as per usual). “Hey, I think it’s GREAT you and Lauren aren’t friends anymore,” says Spencer, surprising no one on sentiment but certainly on audacity. At this point, Heidi hangs her head and stares into space, probably retreating into her “happy place” until all the loud noises are over.

Holls declares that there’s still a chance for Heidi and LC and that “since it doesn’t involve YOU [Spencer], it sounds like a great option!” FUCK YEAH!

At least it’s good to know somebody on this show knows how to argue with a clear head and brass balls. I mean, little Holls very nearly could have been killed back there. Honestly, this little horrifying exchange was the best part of this episode, aside from the classic “ass tattoo” line by our dear homeless fellow. It’s kind of painful to watch Heidi be trapped inside of herself – whether it’s because of Spencer, or her own insecurities, or simply too much silicone and Restylane binding her up. Girl has got to go camping or something and figure out what the hell her existence is for – because shopping and sighing excessively really seems to be wearing her out. See you on the boards!

“This is as far as I pucker. This counts as a kiss goodbye, right?”