The HIlls: You Snooze, You Loozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Do I look like I give a shit?”

Monday night, while the world was busy fretting up a storm over the Presidential Election, MTV hatched an evil-genius plan to sedate, confuse and stupefy any and all viewers who happened upon the channel. Distracted by shiny fake tans and retarded storylines crafted by a production intern, the sedated viewer would immediately feel unnaturally calmed, even apathetic, to the problems and possibilities percolating around the world and suddenly want to buy a new handbag. And maybe some Crest Whitestrips. That is, if they made it through the half-hour without nodding off. It was an incredibly effective approach, but goddamn does it make recapping a bitch. At the LauLoBlahteau, LC’s arranging outfits on her bed when Blahdrina pops her head in to make sure the cameras are around before entering with a big, nervous don’t-want-to-tell-you-something smile. Before we go any further, may I just note that there is a little something wrong with a girl who decorates her bureau with shoes instead of, say, photos of her friends or tchochkes she got on her Italian vacation.

Ever heard of a shoe rack?

LC boasts that she’s choosing an outfit for her big night out at a rock show. She describes said show with the googly eyes of a teenage girl hoping to lose her virginity that night. She and Lo are going to see Tokyo Police Club which, I will admit, is better than Good Charlotte or something. She makes Blahdrina compliment her for being so bold and wild while I wonder whether (wow, that was a lot of w’s) the next time she and Lo have a fight LC will use this experience and its inevitable awkward head-bobbing as evidence of her working towards true friendship. Additionally, I wonder in how many ways does this hurt Blahdrina? They’re going to a concert. A rock concert. WITHOUT HER.

“What are you gonna do next, go boob shopping without me?”

LC attempts to include Blah by asking for her advice on an outfit, but barely gets through her sentence when Blahdrina’s eyes nervously dart to the camera and she interjects by announcing that she has big news. She’s found a place to live on her own, so that she will no longer have to be quarantined from the rest of a home where half the people she lives with hate her. I don’t think LC’s very pleased about this, as her eyes drift downward as they usually do upon receipt of bad news and she disconnects from reality with silence and a blank face.

“CARPET. CARPET. THE CARPET KEEPS THE TEARS AWAY.”

Blahdrina’s moving out THIS WEEKEND. Damn girl, way to give some warning. Blahdrina says Pigpen hasn’t seen it yet but she’s sure that he’ll be over ALL the time and they’ll get to sleep together and have breakfast together and watch “Extra!” together and then one day he’ll probably propose! Good luck with that plan, honey. “I mean, it’ll be like he lives there! But I’m not… you know… planning on anything,” Blahdrina grins. A word from the wise to the young ladies of the MTV demographic: you cannot tame a nomad. And it’s even harder to shelter a bum. Sometimes they would just rather kick it in a back alley between boning sessions. LC knows as much, and purses her lips together stiffly and nods placidly while strategizing which way she’ll have to pick up the pieces from the upcoming train wreck called “Pigpen and Blahdrina Part IV: The Reckoning.”

It’s a bright, sunny day in Los Angeles (is there any other kind?) and Heidi & Kimberly mill about outside of a new club they’re about to open. Their boss drives up as they chat about how long it’s taken them (i.e. Kimmy) to get it done and it totally reminds me of that scene in “Fools Rush In” when Matthew Perry – wait, I mean… not like I’ve SEEN that movie, heh heh… like 18 times on TBS…

Perfect hangover movie. Anyway, the bossmen come to inspect the place and make sure it’s ready for its big opening. I begin to realize why they always show Brent Bolthouse sitting down. He’s a cute li’l elf! Something tells me he’s got a Napoleon complex. It would explain his put-upon ruthlessness.

Wouldn’t he make the greatest Smurf?

The Dudes spend an adequate amount of time impressing upon the girls how big this night is and how important it will be to remain focused and competent (two strikes already against Heidi; she’s physically incapable of both. It’s okay, she has a note from her doctor). You’d think that this, combined with being directly challenged by her boss’ boss in reference to what happened “last time” would make Heidi run the straight and narrow. You would be wrong. The moment the Bossmen leave, Heidi prematurely congratulates herself (ugh, I HATE when that happens) to Kimmy on how organized it all is and how the night will run perfectly smoothly.

Pssst, Heidi, you’re supposed to be talking to KIMBERLY.

“Yeah, I think I’ll invite Spencer,” she says, staring into the distance. “What, to HERE?” Kimberly says disbelievingly. “Yeah, and maybe have him bring his sister and stuff. And maybe Blahdrina,” Heidi continues. Doesn’t she notice that no one else is inviting people? Kimmy tries to persuade her into behaving like a goddamn professional, but that’s not the Montag style. “We’ve got it under control. What’s the harm in adding one more to the guest list?” she says, and just like that, fate is tempted like Dr. Atkins outside of an IHOP. Kimmy knows how this will turn out.

“Ruh-Roh!!”

At People’s Revolution, LC is donning an odd hairpiece, a black headband/not-quite-a-headband. She and Whitney joke about what dorks they are, which is as infuriating as when models claim to have been awkward in high school. LC gabs about Blahdrina’s moving plans, sighing that life will be weird without her… living in the dog house in the backyard. Whit fulfills her duties by being a reactionary face to cut to so MTV can dub a line from LC questioning Blah’s motives. Suddenly LC says that Blahdrina’s been looking for places to move in WITH Pigpen, which, I don’t know about YOU, and certainly I wasn’t actually there at the time, but I believe I distinctly heard Blah say that she wasn’t getting her hopes up that Pigpen would move in (even though we know she really is). In any case, this prospect seems to anger Whitney with a sense of urgency I’ve never seen on her face.

“THEY MUST BE STOPPED”

Later, Blahdrina and Pigpen are out to dinner when Blahdrina comments how cute the restaurant is. Pigpen echoes my thoughts as he says disdainfully, “EVERYWHERE we go is cute.” Sounds like his frustrated boyfriend syndrome has returned already! (Really, I shouldn’t joke about that, I’ve lost many friends to this terrible affliction.) Blahdrina doesn’t seem to notice and smiles vacantly, her face a terrifying, wet mess of radioactive self-tanner and teeth whitener.

Don’t Overdew It.

Blahdrina tells him about her “kewwt” new house with clingy wide eyes as though her biological clock is ticking. Meanwhile, Pigpen is sitting with his entire body leaning away from her, so much so that his back is almost turned to her. She says she wants to show it to him, then he stares at her, chewing his lip, then she takes a deep breath and talks about her need to move on. I’m sure there was no pun intended. I would be honestly shocked if she knew what a pun is.

Pigpen sips his drink during an awkward silence and asks her what’s wrong. In those few moments, her mood has plummeted and now it’s HER back turned to him. He commands her not to lie and she asks him to move in with her, staring at him with the anxious hunger of an alligator watching its prey take its first few steps into the water. But Pigpen’s no ordinary wildebeest. He’s a human male degenerate, and he pushes off Blahdrina’s request with the deft evasion we’ve come to expect from him. Blahdrina’s eyes go even more dead than usual, staring into nothingness (perhaps she learned this technique from LC) to shield her broken heart. Whatev’s, that’s what you get for pressuring a dude for commitment when he JUST got back together with you.

The next day Blahdrina arrives at her new home with some chick who is brunette, toothy and vaguely slutty. Ohhhh I get it. Ladies and gents, this is (of course) Blahdrina’s sister, Casey.

It’s like if Blahdrina worked at L.A. Ink.

Blah shows her around the joint, detailing her plans for the decòr, which include candles EVERYWHERE (not unlike an Anne Rice novel?) and flowy white shit (not unlike a Calvin Klein ad from the early ’90s). Casey is a sister who adds very little to the conversation except for earnestly fawning statements of disbelief and repeating “SERIOUSLY.” over and over again. She should fit right in with Holly and Stephanie. Bet you ten dollars Pigpen will have a conflict with her.

Hey Casey, why the long face?

Blahdrina says she wants to make the place “all romantic, candles candles candles” and Casey calls her out on planning everything around Pigpen. Blahdrina concedes, and insists that it will just be nice to be able to, you know, “hang out” and not worry about waking anybody up. I don’t even want to know how loud they’re banging that Blahdrina has to get her own apartment to be able to fully enjoy herself. Ugh. Zombie sex.

Casey keeps trying to finish Blahdrina’s ellipses-ended sentences, but Blah constantly looks like she’s a breath away from bursting into tears. She chews furiously on her lip while Casey asks her whether she bought this place for herself, or for the hope of some douchebag living with her.

“Cuz you’ll regret that, probably as much as I regret this green thing on my arm.”

Later, at the LauLoteau (?), the blondies have one of their usual Thursday-night deep conversations, hailing their fish’s ability to be a pet. By the way, the fish is named Cleo. Chloe and Cleo? Give me a fucking break. These girls need a cuteness wrangler. Harness your cuteness, use it for good, not evil!

Anyway, Lo pouts (too cute!! police that shit!) and whines that she’s been thinking a lot about Blahdrina and feels real sad. She makes it sound like Blahdrina died or something. (don’t worry, friends, it’s not possible! You can’t kill the undead.) LC essentially says Whatev’s and steers the conversation into a lighthearted jab-fest at Pigpen, of which I thoroughly approve.

“La la la la la, I am so cute, la la la…”

Time for generic electra-disco music, and that can only mean one thing: bitches getting drunk and embarrassing themselves. Perhaps a little bit of drama sprinkled on top (only if it’s your birthday). Tonight’s scene of the crime is at XIV, the new club Bolthouse is promoting. As the unrecognizable “celebs” walk the red carpet, Heidi is busy patting herself on the back for being able to instruct some event workers to pitch a tent. Bravo, Montag! A resounding success. She asks Kimmy if she thinks it’s okay to get a drink, and Kimmy responds by saying she’s going to get something to EAT. Perhaps Heidi misinterpreted her, and that’s why she starts drinking; or perhaps she would rather drink than eat. That sounds more accurate. WAY fewer calories in a martini than in a slider.

Spencer barrels into the party like John McCain on crack, completely bypassing the red carpet, which must be weird for him. Then again, what the hell would he do in front of the paparazzi without his lady beside him? Heidi is busy cheerfully scolding a waitress for forgetting to bring lime with her booze wagon, and just then Stephanie makes her grand entrance.

We spot the female Pratt, entering the habitat and ready to defend her pack if necessary.

Spencer and Heidi greet each other, and we can tell she’s wasted because she talks to everyone like they’re a puppy wrapped in a down comforter. “HIIIIYEEEEE!!!” she squeals to Spencer, and he squeals right back at her (don’t you love when boyfriends make fun of your drunkenness? Adorable). To be fair, Spencer does comment that her tequila hit her fast, and maybe she should share the wealth so that she doesn’t pass out on the dance floor? But Heidi yanks her glass away from him, wagging her finger and whimpering “No no no!” coquettishly. I suddenly have a vision of what their intimate moments are like. *shudder*. She gives suuuuper long hugs to Stephanie and Blahdrina, who at first seem perturbed by her drunkenness, then just kind of say “fuck it” and make her drink more.

“Yayyyyyy, human contact!”

The crew toasts to Blahdrina moving out of LC’s place and Spencer is so pleased that he gets all yenta on them and asks when Blah and Pigpen will be moving in together. All five of them look down at Pigpen, who’s sitting (when no one else is) and looking not entirely involved in the socializing, what with his hood up and all. He kind of shakes his head. Spencer gives Heidi about five too many kisses on the forehead while insisting that moving in with her was the greatest thing he’s ever done.

“Even I can see you’re a lying douchebag.”

Two questions: 1) why does Heidi always cut off the first syllable of Blahdrina’s name? I swear, it always sounds like she’s saying ‘hdrina. For God’s sake, woman, it’s BLAHdrina. Don’t get it twisted. 2) why does Casey look so scheme-y?

“You never know what I have up my sleeve tattoo.”

I don’t trust her one bit. Anyway, Heidi toasts Blah on “getting her life together,” which makes no sense unless by “Blahdrina” you mean “Heidi” and by “getting your life together” you mean “making two friends in the last two years. And one of them was your sister. Who, actually, now hates you.” In which case, yes, kudos, more tequila for everyone.

It’s time for O. Snapp’s vocabulary lesson of the day. Today’s word is “spang,” noun, derived from the Latin “spangous” which means extreme embarrassment. Spang is watching someone do something so humiliating that you feel embarrassed for them. It goes beyond regular embarrassment and way beyond sympathy or empathy. It is the reason we watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and the reason we love it when Heidi gets drunk. For example, her boss’ boss approaches the fun lovin’ crew and asks where Brent is.

Heidi: “errrrrrr I dunno, wan’ me to get’im for yuu?”
Boss: (pause, inspects Heidi’s bloodshot eyes) “Are we still working here?”
Heidi: “Are YOU?”

Ouch. There it is. Furthermore:

Spencer: (looks up at Bossman) “D’you wan’ a shot?”

“You know I can have you killed, right son?”

Oh man, that is the WORST. And I mean the BEST! You can see the spang all over Kimberly’s face as Boss man shows Spencer to the bar and tells the girls to get back to work. The 20-somethings scatter in about .25 seconds, leaving Spencer to drink alone. I’m not sure why he decided to stay put and keep guzzling, because it looks really awkward, considering even his sister and the Zombie/Homeless duo cut out ASAP.

“Finally, I have all of the lovely ladies of Los Angeles to myself!”

At Fit’Em, Stephanie and LC stroll the grounds, LC wearing a bizarre top that makes her look like a striped water weenie. She’s talking about how she still needs to go through all of her cookbooks to make sure Blahdrina takes hers when she moves. “Her what? Cookbooks?” Stephanie asks, and I totally understand her confusion. The mental image of Blahdrina trying to flambè something (or, hell, even sauteè something) kind of frightens me and makes my hand long to hover over the phone, ready to dial 911. I personally don’t believe Blahdrina should be allowed access to flammable items.

“Wait, why would you separate them?” Stephanie asks, and LC reminds her that Blah is moving, then proceeds to explain at length just how she feels about how fast this has all happened, how weird it is blah blah blah. “Oh. Yeah, she told me she’s getting a house,” Stephanie remarks. Congratulations, you’re a part of the conversation that’s been happening for the last five minutes. We ARE talking about Blahdrina getting a house. Also, the sky is blue and LC has hair extensions. All caught up?

I suppose this was just a good way for Stephanie to tell LC that she’s been hanging out with The Blahsters in the company of the Evil Aryan Duo. Steph implies that they’re all going to be good friends with Blah now that she lives away from LC, to which Lauren unconvincingly insists that it would have been fine before too, as long as she never brought Heidi to their house. Or ever went to Heidi’s house. Or spoke to Heidi. Steph responds with a series of ever-evolving uncomfortable grins. “I dunno… I know that Spencer likes Pigpen. So that might be the new crew,” she suggests, much to the chagrin of LC.

“Do you think he, like, LIKE likes him, or just likes him??”

That simply couldn’t be true! Pigpen is a HOMEBOY y’all! Broday wouldn’t let him be stolen away with the promise of fast cars and easy women. Or, more accurately, monogamy and cohabitation. Perhaps Pigpen likes to play all sides, in which case he’d be the dastardly genius of “The Hills,” simply by saying almost nothing to anyone, wearing a bomber jacket, cheating on his girlfriend and making up for it with a ride on his motorcycle.

At Bolthouse, Brent calls Kimmy in for a good boss beatdown. Ughhh, don’t you hate that feeling, getting called into your boss’ office? “Were you and Heidi DRINKING the other night?” he accuses her. “Ummmmm, well I definitely wasn’t,” Kimberly says. Very tactful of her. And very smart. But Brenthaus doesn’t let her off so easily.

“Don’t think you can outsmart me. I put on my thinking cap today.”

“Sam said you guys were pretty wasted,” he says. “OMIGOD not at all!” Kimberly responds, shocked, SHOCKED at this accusation. Brent looks down and pauses for effect. “Was. Heidi. Wasted?” Kimmy’s eyes widen and she scrambles for the perfect vague lie. “I… don’t think so?” Well, that won’t cut it. What kind of liar are you, Kimmy? You’ll never make it in this town! He has her send Heidi in.

“Luckily, my hair is really poofy today.”

She bobbles in and defends herself by saying that she thought that when everything was taken care of, they were allowed to have a drink. I hate to say this, but that’s probably what I would have said in her position. Isn’t this how PR peeps get new business? By drinking with new and potential clients? Granted, those clients wouldn’t be the Pratts and the Homeless Zombies, but still. However, the problem seems to be more that she was visibly intoxicated, and that displeases Brent. Well, that and the fact that her job there was a lie to begin with and now she wants out, so they’ve created this minor storyline to give her a reason to leave. So he gets all Donald Trump-ety and fires her. Boom, drama! Cue strings.

“Seriously, my life is SO. HARD.”

Actually, it’s kind of a funny choice of sappy song they play as she gathers her things: some pussy-sounding boy sings, “Can I go home?” Um, YEAH. How about FOREVER! At least they’ve set a good example for the kids: try not to get fucked up at work.

At the soon to be Blah-less LauLoBlahteau, a couple of cute, sweaty dudes are getting their big Hollywood break by acting as Blahdrina’s moving boys, heaving her possessions into a U-Haul.

“I had no idea hauling a body was so much work.”

Meanwhile, inside, Blahdrina packs up her more manageable belongings.

FUCKING SUBTLE, MTV.

Honestly, who has THREE boxes of toothpaste? And why would they pack them in the same box as their books? I guess the only answer is Someone Who’s Paid To. Lauren comes in and it seems like just yesterday she was entering the Blahteau and complimenting her hideous dècor just before they’d have one of many cryfests. LC helps her pack and forces a smile while remarking how fast this whole moving thing happened. Blahdrina just kind of nods in agreement, seemingly oblivious to the fact that SHE was the one who made it happen so fast. They both stand there for a second, until LC asks about the framed photo Blah’s holding. “Oh, uh it’s me and Pigpen, at dinner… somewhere,” she says. Way to integrate it into the storyline. Very subtle segue. But segue it be, as it leads LC to ask where Pigpen is. Yeah, where IS her boyfriend on moving day, anyway? Blahdrina mutters some excuse about him working, which seems to irk LC.

“I think my friend alarm is going off? Eh, it’s probably just indigestion.”

They have a nice sappy girl talk about being there for each other, and in the end share big goodbye hugs, LC inexplicably telling Blah that she’s proud of her. I have no idea what for. Consistently forgiving a jerkoff? Notifying LC one week before she moves out? Using spray-tanner? They end with misty eyes and a super wussy song playing over their goodbyes, until LC and Lo can finally bid Blah adieu.

“At least now we don’t have to keep the peroxide out of reach.”

Like every other episode, by the cheesy end of the half hour, I’m totally over it, so I’m just gonna say whatev’s. Watching this episode was the least enthralled I’ve been all week, so why don’t we just forget this little naptime never happened, shall we? See ya on the boards.