***Your regular recapper for the season is UnprofessionalCritic, but she’s got some Drag Race action to finish up. So to start us off with a fresh recaps, please welcome last season’s recapper, Monamonzano!!
It’s a smile. No, a snarl. A frown?
This week on the opening episode of The Hills, the bitches meet the manwhores in Miami to stir up some more drama. And…Heidi goes home to show her confused, republican parents and sister her NEW FUCKING FACE. Spencer? Tucked away in the porn house fingering his crystals. Huzzah!
Ahh, the Hills. I’d give you a recap of what happened last season, but it’s pretty simple: everyone gets fucked up a lot, wears nice clothes and bitches about each other. Yeah, some hookups, but do they even matter? Nothing ever comes of them but more bitching. Riight?
Maybe this season will be different. Or maybe, it’s gonna be the same old shit we know and love.
Trolly Lo who has gotten considerably more attractive (hey, you play the hand you’re dealt) since she got on the Hills, tells Concerny-face Stephanie that everyone’s going to Miami for the Super Bowl. Concerny-face just came for an AA meeting, which is fortunate because, like, one AA meeting cancels out like, one bottle of vodka, right? I mean, geez, I’m not a mathematician.
But I am an alcoholic.
Still, I LOVE how concerned Stephanie looks at ALL TIMES.
Or hey, maybe I’m giving ol Steph too much credit. Maybe all that’s going through her head is “Boozeboozeboozebooze hairties boozeboozebooze.” Again, I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m only a recap-writing alcohol monger.
Then, they chat about Speidi, and Lo says it’s all “heresay,” which doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. Ah, hills girls. One minute, they’re eating sugar free jello-shots for breakfast, the next minute they aren’t up on their vocab.
Anyhoo, Lo says that she thinks Heidi has a new face. God, only in hollywood can someone PERHAPS PRESUME that a friend of theirs HAS A NEW FUCKING FACE. I feel like i’m in the twilight zone.
And cue cheesy theme song.
Montage: shopping, bikinis, laughter. Pretty hair. Brody Jenner. Nighttime.
In the house of Speidi, the camera artfully hides Ms. Pratt’s face, but not her butt job or her shithole husband’s douchey healing crystals.
She’s going to see her family, something I’m assuming irritates the shit out of Spencer. What? You don’t want to stay with me and my crystals while I berate you in our modern porno-home? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME, PLASTIC WOMAN???
In Miami, Lo tries her best to look pretty while she talks about how Kristin still wants to Bone Bro-day. And Stephanie’s hair isn’t perfect. What???
God, Stephanie is SO concerned about people hooking up. SOOOOO CONCERNED. Maybe you should be more concerned with um, I don’t know, driving when you’re blitzed. I dunno, just a suggestion. Or like, brush your hair.
Then Heidi is almost home and we see all sorts of childhood photos of Heidi’s normal, god-given face.
And, of fucking course, Heidi’s mom IS FUCKING HORRIFIED. Because Heidi looks like A TRANNY BARBIE MONSTER.
/lump of Aryan dough
I mean, if you were someone’s mom and they mutilated their god given face for no fucking reason because they live in a douche of a city, of COURSE you’d be mad.
and Holly is there for a 40% increase in awkwardness
And then Robot Heidi says she wants to look like Barbie, after her Mom just straight up says she looks like shit.
yikes. Emotion does not look good on this face.
God, she is fucking ridiculous.
Did I ever wake up and think I’d be watching a tv show about a mom and a daughter talking about the daughter’s ridiculous, excessive plastic surgery addiction? No. But did I ever think I’d wake up this morning with someone else’s unitard on, covered in almond butter? Also no.
In Miami…the douche show rages.
All the old skeeves are there: Bro-day, Gnome, date rapist. The gang is back together!
It’s a sheer cornocopia of doucherie!
At the Maxim superbowl party, Bro-day asks Blah Dead eyes if she’s seeing anyone. Comments?
I have some choice words.
Yeah, Kristin is sorta looking like a psycho in this episode, when usually she’s just PMSing in a fun way. Gawd!
In Crested Butt, Heidi is still getting shit because let’s face it- she’s crazy and looks like a crazy plastic surgery 40 year old. It’s an awkward dinner to be sure…but not as awkward as the three most fucking boring people on the planet: Lo, Stephanie and Blah Dead Eyes trying to have a conversation. Now they think Kristin is (gasp!) doing drugs. So? good for her. Fucking escape from this boring ass shit.
well, this is fun.
At another nightclub, Kristin is wearing the same dress and is with her little weasel cronie, Stacie! Ah, Stacie, we missed your moochy, sweet face, did we not?
And they’re definitely not taking it easy on the booze. Man, that Kristin runs on booze, hair dye, dick and eyeliner.
I hope Stacie had to buy her own plane ticket…like Airtran, back row.
The next morning, the girls bust into Kristin’s coke den and like, 4 girls scuttle out of her bed. Man, I wish I could get a good screen shot of that shit.
Of course, EVERYONE (meaning the cunty bitches that brought Kristin along) are like, super concerned.
It smells like crackwhore and Patron in here.
Then Kristin gets ready but confronts the girls who are talking shit about her in the next room. Wow, she’s fucking 22. She can’t spend a weekend doing coke off a go-go dancer and giving head for shots of Absolut? Who are you fucking people? Nazis?
Maybe I need to kill someone.
I love how lamely concerned the girls are for Kristin. Geez. Drama drama drama!
And everyone leaves…and Heidi’s mom apologizes to Heidi when she leaves Crested Butt for “not knowing how much she went through.” What? Elective surgeries? Christ.
These PEOPLE! One more SEASON! Live it and love it!