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***Your regular recapper for the season is UnprofessionalCritic, but she’s got some Drag Race action to finish up. So to start us off with a fresh recaps, please welcome last season’s recapper, Monamonzano!!
Ahh, the Hills. I’d give you a recap of what happened last season, but it’s pretty simple: everyone gets fucked up a lot, wears nice clothes and bitches about each other. Yeah, some hookups, but do they even matter? Nothing ever comes of them but more bitching. Riight?
Maybe this season will be different. Or maybe, it’s gonna be the same old shit we know and love.
It’s a smile. No, a snarl. A frown?
This week on the opening episode of The Hills, the bitches meet the manwhores in Miami to stir up some more drama. And…Heidi goes home to show her confused, republican parents and sister her NEW FUCKING FACE. Spencer? Tucked away in the porn house fingering his crystals. Huzzah!
Ahh, the Hills. I’d give you a recap of what happened last season, but it’s pretty simple: everyone gets fucked up a lot, wears nice clothes and bitches about each other. Yeah, some hookups, but do they even matter? Nothing ever comes of them but more bitching. Riight?
Maybe this season will be different. Or maybe, it’s gonna be the same old shit we know and love.
Trolly Lo who has gotten considerably more attractive (hey, you play the hand you’re dealt) since she got on the Hills, tells Concerny-face Stephanie that everyone’s going to Miami for the Super Bowl. Concerny-face just came for an AA meeting, which is fortunate because, like, one AA meeting cancels out like, one bottle of vodka, right? I mean, geez, I’m not a mathematician.
But I am an alcoholic.
Still, I LOVE how concerned Stephanie looks at ALL TIMES.
Or hey, maybe I’m giving ol Steph too much credit. Maybe all that’s going through her head is “Boozeboozeboozebooze hairties boozeboozebooze.” Again, I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m only a recap-writing alcohol monger.
Then, they chat about Speidi, and Lo says it’s all “heresay,” which doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. Ah, hills girls. One minute, they’re eating sugar free jello-shots for breakfast, the next minute they aren’t up on their vocab.
Anyhoo, Lo says that she thinks Heidi has a new face. God, only in hollywood can someone PERHAPS PRESUME that a friend of theirs HAS A NEW FUCKING FACE. I feel like i’m in the twilight zone.
And cue cheesy theme song.
Montage: shopping, bikinis, laughter. Pretty hair. Brody Jenner. Nighttime.
In the house of Speidi, the camera artfully hides Ms. Pratt’s face, but not her butt job or her shithole husband’s douchey healing crystals.
She’s going to see her family, something I’m assuming irritates the shit out of Spencer. What? You don’t want to stay with me and my crystals while I berate you in our modern porno-home? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME, PLASTIC WOMAN???
In Miami, Lo tries her best to look pretty while she talks about how Kristin still wants to Bone Bro-day. And Stephanie’s hair isn’t perfect. What???
God, Stephanie is SO concerned about people hooking up. SOOOOO CONCERNED. Maybe you should be more concerned with um, I don’t know, driving when you’re blitzed. I dunno, just a suggestion. Or like, brush your hair.
Then Heidi is almost home and we see all sorts of childhood photos of Heidi’s normal, god-given face.
pretty horrifying.
And, of fucking course, Heidi’s mom IS FUCKING HORRIFIED. Because Heidi looks like A TRANNY BARBIE MONSTER.
/lump of Aryan dough
I mean, if you were someone’s mom and they mutilated their god given face for no fucking reason because they live in a douche of a city, of COURSE you’d be mad.
and Holly is there for a 40% increase in awkwardness
And then Robot Heidi says she wants to look like Barbie, after her Mom just straight up says she looks like shit.
yikes. Emotion does not look good on this face.
God, she is fucking ridiculous.
Did I ever wake up and think I’d be watching a tv show about a mom and a daughter talking about the daughter’s ridiculous, excessive plastic surgery addiction? No. But did I ever think I’d wake up this morning with someone else’s unitard on, covered in almond butter? Also no.
In Miami…the douche show rages.
All the old skeeves are there: Bro-day, Gnome, date rapist. The gang is back together!
It’s a sheer cornocopia of doucherie!
At the Maxim superbowl party, Bro-day asks Blah Dead eyes if she’s seeing anyone. Comments?
I have some choice words.
Yeah, Kristin is sorta looking like a psycho in this episode, when usually she’s just PMSing in a fun way. Gawd!
In Crested Butt, Heidi is still getting shit because let’s face it- she’s crazy and looks like a crazy plastic surgery 40 year old. It’s an awkward dinner to be sure…but not as awkward as the three most fucking boring people on the planet: Lo, Stephanie and Blah Dead Eyes trying to have a conversation. Now they think Kristin is (gasp!) doing drugs. So? good for her. Fucking escape from this boring ass shit.
well, this is fun.
At another nightclub, Kristin is wearing the same dress and is with her little weasel cronie, Stacie! Ah, Stacie, we missed your moochy, sweet face, did we not?
And they’re definitely not taking it easy on the booze. Man, that Kristin runs on booze, hair dye, dick and eyeliner.
hiss!
I hope Stacie had to buy her own plane ticket…like Airtran, back row.
The next morning, the girls bust into Kristin’s coke den and like, 4 girls scuttle out of her bed. Man, I wish I could get a good screen shot of that shit.
Of course, EVERYONE (meaning the cunty bitches that brought Kristin along) are like, super concerned.
It smells like crackwhore and Patron in here.
Then Kristin gets ready but confronts the girls who are talking shit about her in the next room. Wow, she’s fucking 22. She can’t spend a weekend doing coke off a go-go dancer and giving head for shots of Absolut? Who are you fucking people? Nazis?
Maybe I need to kill someone.
I love how lamely concerned the girls are for Kristin. Geez. Drama drama drama!
And everyone leaves…and Heidi’s mom apologizes to Heidi when she leaves Crested Butt for “not knowing how much she went through.” What? Elective surgeries? Christ.
These PEOPLE! One more SEASON! Live it and love it!
10 Comments
Okay, I understand that this show is ridiculous, but the people who watch it understand that and while I know these recaps are supposed to come with a good amount of snark (which is also the reason WHY I come), you make it seem like you’d like to be anywhere else but recapping, because so much stuff was glossed over and a lot of it was completely left out. I felt this way last season too. Like, the conversation between Heidi and her mom deserved much more attention, as did the fight between the girls at the end. Yeah, it’s obnoxious, but the petty drama is why people watch, and isn’t it the job of the recapper to go over it whether they liked it or not? I came here excited to read what sarcastic comments were to be had about the events and instead I feel like I got a paraphrase…a short one, at that.
That being said, who else was REALLY annoyed when Stephanie said someone like Kristin was “a liability”? Now, I’m not one to defend Kristin Cavallari, I’ve never really had an opinion about her and though I know it’s fake, I find it pretty lame that she’s getting “mad” about Audrina and Brody because she basically did the same thing to Audrina last season. But Stephanie was just looking for a way to talk smack. If she is TRULY concerned for her own health, she would stop doing things such as going to Miami to party for the Super Bowl in the first place, and just being in the L.A. party scene in general. But does anyone see that happening? I sure don’t.
That whole Superbowl Party weekend had bad editing or something. I think the scenes of Kristin shaking her money maker at the bar with Stacie was the same night they got there. I DOUBT Kristin would have worn the same black dress two nights in a row.
I thought it was very stupid for the girls to say Kristin was doing drugs – trying to create a fake story-line. That was lame and on par with saying Holly was an alcoholic last season. Honestly, I am glad this is the last season. They have ruined the show. RUINED IT!!!
I really don’t care about Audrina and Brody or Kristin and Brody or anyone really left on the show. I think I’m just watching because I want to see how it ends…
I love Heidi’s mom. It’s really a shame that Heidi’s corrupted herself beyond recognition. She definitely does look older and not better. Who wants to look like Barbie???
I too think it’s silly to say someone is on drugs because they are skinny and wear big sunglasses. Isn’t that about 89% of the female population in LA? I don’t think the show is ruined and am just glad the last season is over, it was pretty horrible. They tried incredibly hard to stir up some drama. This season looks to be a lot better and most of the drama seems rooted in something real so I’m kinda excited to see where we go.
Heidi seriously looks like the character Rocky from that Cher movie, Mask. Her face looks like what her normal face would like if it was reflected in a fun house mirror. It is sad that she fucked her face up. Did she go to the cheapest plastic surgeon she could find?
And I would remark on the recap as well but I don’t think Mona is writing them for them for the rest of the season.
I’m always disturbed when I see Heidi’s face as I feel with her cheek implants she looks like the villian from the MST3K movie Soultaker. The actors name was Robert Z’dar and is apparently known for his huge face/jaw- and in the Soultaker movie he had his hair dyed blonde. Anyone else notice the resemblance???
Loved the recap! Spot on about everything. Heidi crying was like watching wax drip down a candle. Her face is jacked up. The Kristen/coke thing was really reaching. You are in Miami….if you aren’t drunk/hungover or cracked out then you have zero business being there.
Hilarious video of kids re-enacting the show:
http://www.popeater.com/2010/04/29/kids-the-hills-video/
LOL @ Baxter!!
“You are in Miami….if you aren’t drunk/hungover or cracked out then you have zero business being there.”
I had to laugh at the homage to the Twilight Zone ep “Eye of the Beholder” as they artfully hid Heidi’s face.
Congrats to heidi! she now looks like all the other 60 yr old women with excessive plastic surgery.
I didnt get the part where Stephanie said that Kristens legs were ‘tiny’, what does that have to do with drug use??