This week on The Hills, it is almost impossible to take anything seriously in the wake of Gavingate, and MTV, (possibly) knowing that, gave us absolutely nothing to take seriously.
Whitney has found an old beautiful church for the Young Hollywood party. Since we’ve basically construed that Lauren doesn’t really have a Teen Vogue internship, there’s no need to wonder why she isn’t along. Lisa Love is impressed with the space, and Whitney points out the confessionals lining the walls. “Oh, well, we can cover those up,” says LIsa, uncomfortable with the idea of anyone telling the truth about themselves. “Or we could make them into photobooths!” So creative, Whitney, so young Hollywood!
In honor of Halloween, Lisa Love dons a Crypt Keeper mask to scare the girls. “I am sending you to New Yuck! Ahahahaha!” Whitney’s eyes open wide and she asks Lisa if she can take off the mask because it’s creepy and it doesn’t seem like the Teen Vogue way of doing things. “I’m not wearing a mask! Ahahahaha!” cackles Lisa. Lauren doesn’t say anything, because why should she. Besides, Lisa only speaks to Whitney anyway, even though the segment producer keeps asking her to pretend to include Lauren. At any rate, Lisa tells Whitney she’s going to present the Young Hollywood ideas to Amy Astley in the New York Office. Lauren looks at her like she’s thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to have a regular job?”
Back in the closet, the girls discuss how weird it was that Lisa wouldn’t admit she had a mask on. She’s not known for her sense of humor, and if that was her attempt at being funny, it wasn’t. And neither is this recap. They’re both excited to go to New York, and Whitney’s first thought is about what to wear. LC doesn’t have anything to worry about because she has a dress she’s been reserving for her next meeting with Amy Astley. Maybe she’s hoping to show Amy her clothing line? The editors stick in a voice over by Whitney saying she’s glad Lauren’s coming because she didn’t want to do the presentation alone, so now we know that Whitney is going to be doing the presentation alone.
The Monchichi drives to Rezhouse Productions to crash a pretend meeting and complain about Heidi’s fake job. On his way in, Frankie (Brody and Lauren’s good friend) is leaving holding a paycheck. “Hey Buddy, ” says the Monchichi. “What’s that you got in your hand?” “Uh, it’s a paycheck,” says Frankie. “Wait, this is a real company? I thought they just created it for Heidi, like in that movie ‘The Game’.” Frankie shakes his head. A PA holds up a cue card. “So, Brody left you a message on your birthday. We called you on your birthday and we didn’t get a call back,” reads Frankie. The Monchichi bellows that he’s been a loyal best friend but ever since Brody started hanging out with LC– “who all she does is bash my name, try to tear up my relationship with Heidi, all these things, right?” Uh, what? Is The Monchichi not a native speaker of English? He does use a lot of slang-isms like, “roll up on her” etc., so I shouldn’t be surprised at “bash my name” but he just sounds so fucking stupid. Read a book. Take a lit class. All of you. Frankie tells the Monchichi that if he can’t accept who Brody hangs out with, they’ll never be friends. The Monchichi responds “It’s all about moving forward,” which is, ironically, the title of chapter two in Bustin’s book of haikus, recently published by HarperCollins.
Heidi meets the Monchichi in the lobby where he tells her about his run-in with Frankie that we saw 15 seconds before. Riveting television. The only part that is even slightly amusing is how the Monchichi talks like he’s interviewing himself. “People say bad things about Brody all the time. Am I friends with them? Yeah, right.”
After showing us shots off planes taking off from LAX and landing at JFK, we see Whitney and LC getting out of a cab at the Conde Nast building. Lauren is wearing a really cool sleeveless dress that looks like it’s made from grey flannel with a super skinny shiny belt. Whitney is wearing a strapless floral dress circa 1982 (Westchester Prom Collection). They wait in reception for Amy Astley, where Whitney admits not only did she not practice her presentation, she would never dress like this for Lisa Love. She nervous. “I’m like drippink,” she says, trying to hold her arms away from her body.
As they enter the offices, we see all the other Nast-y girls are wearing jeans and long sleeve sweaters. Our two heroines look like stereotypical vapid LA idiots. They meet Amy Astley who talks about blah blah blah. Is anything going to happen on this episode? Not really. Inexplicably, she sends LC off to help dress models for a Marc Jacob casting, and drumroll….. Whitney’s left to present alone.
Whitney takes Amy and her staff through the plans for the Young Hollywood party. She doesn’t seem to know what she’s talking about, and Amy keeps asking her questions she can’t answer. Amy also seems to dislike many of the ideas the LA office has put together. Downtown, LC dresses models and gets to meet Marc Jacobs for 30 seconds. Really? This is the fucking episode? Back at the hotel, they pack up and head home. They didn’t get wear all the clothes they brought!!!!
We stop by Chez Janky, Speidi’s pretend abode, where the Monchichi is leaving a message for Brody. “There’s some things we need to talk about,” he says. “Like the fact that you never come over to play the three different arcade games I put in here now that we live with my parents. I mean, I didn’t just get them for the crew to pass time when we’re not filming, brah. I got them for us! Besides, every time I come here, some one has beaten my high score. You always let me win.”
Back on the right coast, LC and Whitney attend a tasting for the YHP. Whitney’s getting ready to get reemed by Lisa Love about the NY meeting because “Lisa’s the first one to tellus when we’ve done someting wronk.” It’s a sad sad day in Hillsworld when the most entertaining thing in an episode is Whiney’s mispronunciations. Surprisingly, Amy Astley reported that the meeting went very well, but she did mention that Whitney’s dress was very dressy. “I can’t tell if you’re kiddink when you’re wearing that mask,” says Whitney to Lisa. Lauren makes a pouty face at Whitney to express something, anything, (empathy?) but mostly I think she’s glad that it wasn’t her. That Gavin the Model expose last week did you no favors, girl. At least you didn’t get caught telling Deadrina she shouldn’t date Bustin because he’s a dirty, soulless n-word.
SuperBrody drops by LC’s pad. She tells him about New York, giving him a play-by-play of the same scenes we saw 10 minutes ago. Then there’s an edited-in voice over that’s not LC’s voice asking Brody if he’s ok. Some have speculated it’s Whitney, but I think it’s Deadrina. Really? This is the fucking episode? Anyhoo, Brody tells Lauren that he received a call from the Monchichi wanting to talk, but he doesn’t think he’ll respond. Lauren pretends it bothers her that the friendship ended because Brody and she became fuckbuddies. Brody appreciates the false concerns, and then they cuddle up on the couch and act like something’s going on between them that we should care about.
Well, there you have it folks. Absolutely nothing happened this week, and The HIlls has gotten faker than ever. For my loyal readers, I apologize profusely for the lateness of this recap. I came down with the flu, compounded with a case of fuck-this-show, making it virtually impossible to sit upright infront of my keyboard.