The Hills:That’s The Way, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh, We Like It

This week on The Hills, Speidi plan to break a world record, Whitney barely avoids getting trampled by large groups of children wearing inappropriate amounts of make up, and Deadrina finds herself back in the fist-punch zone.Lauren and Whitney meet Lisa Love at the Young Hollywood Party church. PARTY CHURCH! Whitney is wearing a sun dress with little leather booties, the kind adorned by men who get rotten tomatoes thrown at them for a farthing at renaissance festivals. Get ye to a new world cobbler, Mistress Port! Whitney is running front-of-house for the event, which Lisa warns her is a “horrible” experience. That’s why Lisa has a 21-year-old recent college grad running the floor at the one and only Teen Vogue party. Lisa doesn’t do anything that is horrible. She even sends her assistant to get her mammograms. Poor Whitney. It always seems like Lisa never gives her enough information to be successful. Whitney probably finds a private bathroom and calls her mom. Then she and her mom plot out the entire event on the dining room table until 3 o’clock in the morning. Lauren is running the back-of -house, which I think means she dresses models. “No screw ups!” Lisa tells them. They both write down that helpful advice.

Kimberly, who is not the new Elodie, looks like the New Kimberly. She’s wearing a cocktail dress at work. No more sweaters and headbands. Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? What’s your dream!?! NK brings a huge arrangement of roses into Heidi’s office and places it on her desk. Heidi reads the card from the Monchichi aloud, flicking her eyes up to get Kimberly’s approval. “Happy 21st birthday, here’s to a hundred more!” And to setting a Guinness world record of oldest most beautiful business woman. “Wow,” says Kimberly. “He sure does expect you to live a long time!” She notices a little box attached to the bouquet that looks like it’s from a jeweler. Heidi opens it. There’s a little bottle of human growth hormone set in the satin. “How sweet,” says Kimberly, as Heidi places a droplet on her tongue. Kimberly invites her to lunch. “I’ll be here,” says Heidi, “because I don’t have any other friends, I mean, plans.”

Yay! Deadrina’s back this week, telling Epic intern Chiara that she and Bustin are going to scout a band that night at The Viper Room. Chiara wants to know if it’s a date, like, are they dating? Deadrina says you could call it that. “It’s a Viper Room date!” she laughs. Wait, weren’t they “making it”? Some girls just thrive on not knowing where they stand. It gives them something to IM about while they wait for the phone to ring at their receptionist job. Chiara notes that a “Viper Room date” is a “genre of date,” like the haiku is a genre of poetry. This one’s for you, Bustin:

Scouting indie band
Her mind avoids the question
Are you my boyfriend?

The New Kimberly takes Heidi to lunch, and tells her that 21 is a pivotal year because “you’re starting to find out who you are.” Heidi disagrees because the year between 20 and 21 produced her biggest growth spurt. It’s sad to watch Heidi talk about her life as if she’s starting eighth grade. This year she’s going to sit in the back of the bus and be popular! Kimberly asks about Heidi’s birthday plans. Heidi tells her that the Monchichi is taking her out for a “surprise” dinner. It’s not a surprise if you know about it. Jeez, those two have a hard time with that word. Kimberly can’t believe she’s spending her 21st birthday at a dinner for two. Heidi tells her “it’s all about me and Spencer” and “being with him is the best part.” Got that, Kimberly? Heidi only talks about two things– that is Topic A. Next time, you’ll hear Topic B– “I didn’t have anything to do with the rumors.”

Back at the Party Church, Whit and LC are up in the choir mezzanine folding things for a change. They look down at the hundreds of chairs and wonder aloud how they are going to seat the party go-ers since they have no idea who is coming. They haven’t seen a list, they don’t know who the VIPS are, or even how many people are expected. Someone, I’m sure, has that list, and you’d think they’d show it to the girls who are supposed to run not just the most important Teen Vogue party, but the only Teen Vogue party. With no screw ups. They’re fucked. It’s starting to seem that the Teen Vogue way of doing things is to stick it to the inexperienced assistant and then laugh condescendingly when she makes an error in judgement. Whitney hopes she doesn’t get her “ass whooped.”

Later that night, the PR chick for Teen Vogue tells Whitney she has to seat “off the cuff” since there’s no seating chart. Then she tells her she has to seat 390 people in 15 minutes. That’s 24 people a minute. Whitney’s going to get her ass whooped. She thanks Jennifer for the opportunity. LC tries to explain to Whitney how to use the walkie talkies to get in touch with each other. “It’s so confusing,” says Whit. “Really?!” says Lauren, like she can’t believe how easy it is. Uh, LC? You don’t have to catapult 24 egos per minute into non-reserved seating. Whit can’t think straight.

The fashion show’s about to start, and we can tell this by the scads of 10-year-olds getting their pictures taken on the red carpet. Did you know 10 is the new 20? Then there’s the prepubescent models LC’s trying to organize back stage by making them hold hands and look both ways before crossing the runway. I hope Dov Charney’s not here scouting for talent. Lisa Love doesn’t know who any of “movie stars” are (and frankly, I don’t either– besides Emmy Rossum and Hayden Pantyair) because her old-timer’s is kicking in. She looks old and nervous, like Samantha did when she got Richard a threesome for his birthday. The good news is the “movie stars” are taking so long outside that it gives our girl Whit 30 extra minutes to seat the show. Thank god.

On the other side of town, Deadrina and Bustin wander down the strip wearing Leather Jackets because they are going to the Viper Room to see a Rock Band. Nice outfits, poseurs! I mean, I know Bustin rides a little motorcycle, but leather jackets? What, it’s a cool 72 degrees tonight? Stay gold, you two. The band they’re scouting is called The Muse. They should change their name to U2play. Dead wants get a CD to bring into Epic, since she thinks they’ve got a unique sound. Bustin doesn’t clap when the song is over. He clinks his ring on a beer bottle. That’s how greasers applaud. After the gig, Deadrina introduces herself to the band and they invite her to the after party.

Oh, you guys. We get to watch the world’s saddest 21st birthday party. Speidi go to a restaurant by themselves. They are very dressed up, like life-size Birthday Party Barbie and Ken. The Monchichi gives Heidi a Chanel purse and she says “Thankyouthankyouthankyou” and “Iloveyouloveyouloveyou,” in that authentic way that repeating things means. After that’s over, they sit next to each other and look around the room, telling each other what a great time they are having.

Back at the Party Church, throngs of children who are so young and famous we don’t even know who they are yet, invade the space. Lisa Love panics, asking over and over again, “Where are the seaters?!” Our girl Whitney doesn’t flinch. She keeps saying “OKAY” to herself to keep calm. It’s adorable. She points and directs with the nicest demeanor I have ever seen a hostess posess in LA. You can show me to my table anytime, Ms. Port. It is really cool to see Whitney being authoritative and doing something besides folding clothes and rephrasing Lauren’s statements into questions. Bobby Trendy’s brother from another mother, the token gay event queen, tries to start some shit about a chronic party crasher who he wants Whitney to boot. Do it yourself, bitch. Go slap that crasher.

They almost fuck up the whole party by starting the show before Hillary Duff is seated, but they figure it out thank god. I mean, she sang the fucking theme song for Laguna Bitch. The fashion show starts, and Marc by Marc’s line for children seems to be inspired by German military clowns, a little known humanitarian operative that Marc discovered when researching sober historical figures last summer as part of his recovery. The fashion reminds Lisa Love of her days at The Factory and she mouths to the gay boys sitting across the runway, “Got any blow?” Every one has a great time.

The Outsiders after-party it up with The Ruse at One on Sunset. Deadrina orders a drink called “The Naughty Schoolgirl” which titillates the band members and Bustin. It comes with a lollipop as a garnish and everyone toasts. The guitarist, Mark, invites Deadrina to the “after-after party.” He says it as if After-after Party is his private nickname for himself. She deflects, so Mark confides in the lead singer that he can’t tell what the sitch is beween Deadrina and Bustin, but he’s getting a “vibe.” Mark approaches Bustin to ask if things are “hot and heavy” between them and Bustin says “we’re cool” and “we hang out a lot.” Mark doesn’t get it. Neither do I. So he presses, “Is she available to be asked out?” Bustin wags his tongue between his lips, as if trying to ground the static in his head. “She’s pretty good,” he says. Mark can’t tell if that’s an endorsement or if Bustin’s retarded. Neither can I. “Are you guys full on?” he tries again. “She’s pretty good, ” Bustin says, again, this time leaning in. Mark is totally confused, but not getting anywhere, so he mumbles, “Right.” Deadrina approaches and Bustin asks her if she’s ready to go. He helps her with her skin and they take off into the night.

Quick cut to the Party Church, where the festivities are in full swing. Lisa Love, Amy Astley, and the gay are gushing how great the party is. Lisa is really happy and talking really fast. They tell Whitney and Lauren that they did a great job. “We’regoingtohaveapartylikethiseveryyear! Differentlocationdifferentdesigner!” Lisa yells through clenched teeth.

Bustin and Deadrina walk home. They giggle about how Mark kept grabbing and touching her. It was so funny how Bustin didn’t tell him to lay off. “He wanted you,” teases Bustin. “Yeah, but I’m going home with you.” Homeboy’s wearing combat boots with culottes! His leather jacket is also extremely short. He looks he’s starring in the movie “Urban Hobbit.” “That’s why we work so well together.” “Yeah,” says Deadrina. “Ambivalence is such a turn on. Besides, your hair looks so pretty tonight.”

A lonely piece of cake sports a lonely single candle. The Monchichi tells Heidi to take her time making her wish. Think it over. Listen to the silence of no one singing “Happy Birthday.” Heidi reminisces about last year’s party. Even though all her friends were there, she danced and wore a tiara, it was “crazy” and there was “drama.” This year, it might be boring and they’re running out of things to say, but she’s with “the love of her life” and it’s “so much easier and low key and this is what I want.” They look at each other, realizing that it’s good to convince yourself you want what you have, especially when you’re not likely to get anything else. Heidi slowly eats a forkful of cake as the Monchichi texts messages. Who? Everyone he talks to is at the restaurant: Heidi, the producer, the PAs. Maybe he’s playing Pump Jack. Heidi rearranges the napkins and the glasses on the table. Yes, Heidi. Spending time with him is the best part. Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! You live with the Monchichi, and you smell like one, too!

So, yay! Fun episode this week! And, OMGEEEE! Next week, looks like the one we’ve all been waiting for: Two Girls Enter. One Girl Leaves.