The Jacksons: Hey, WE’RE still alive!

But slacking is!

The Jack5sons: to show you that Michael wasn’t the only fucked up one in the family. Also, to capitalize on their brother’s death. Yeah, it must be tough riding on the coattails of your far more talented brother’s success, boys. In this season and series premier, we see what Tito, Jermaine, Jackie and Marlon do best: bitch and avoid work altogether. Really, they do EVERYTHING they can to not do shit, including visiting Gary, Indiana, playing basketball, crying a lot and going to a Mosque. ANYTHING.

Well, here we are all over the Jackson Family Dynasty.

First, a montage of clips, including Michael’s coffin! Nice.

Then, some ruminations about the loss of Michael Jackson, not as a pop icon, but as a brotherhood.

After forty years…

the least talented brothers…

are…

BACK IN THE STUDIO. And, media whores!

Welcome to the Jacksons: A Family Dynasty.

Hey look, Tito and Jermaine playing basketball. Here’s a couple more brothers wearing hats and looking at magazines.

Hey, this issue of “Women’s World” is from LAST month! Also, I like bowler caps.

Then some crying.

Oh, and BTW:

So, we get to see them acting especially douchey before their brother dies? Nice.

I’m confused, then Marlon “the untalented one” Jackson, Tito “the untalented one” Jackson and Jackie “the untalented one” Jackson introduce what the titlehead just said…about filming before their brother dying. Geez. Really? Some editor needed some filler.

Oh wait, it was originally going to be a special, eh? And not a series? Lucky for the untalented Jacksons that their brother died, or they wouldn’t get all this face time, eh?

Nice work, Jerks.

And then, the inevitable background-reminiscent-archival footage segment. Ah, memories. Hey how about this memory?

$$$

Or, this one?

$$$

Or this oldie but goodie…

$$$

But wait, they’ve had an incredible impact…

$$$

Oh, there’s Jermaine, too.

???

Blah blah blah..they had a huge impact, they weren’t perfect, their family was fucked up. We get it. Now, let’s see it.

Oh wait, first, Jackson 4 stereotypes! Jackie was the “Boss,” the “father figure,” and the one with little talent. Jermaine? the talent whore, and also the one with little talent.

Nice Ed Hardy Shirt and Pendant.

Marlon was the comedian. Also, not too talented, that one.

Tito? The introspective one with no talent.

And a connoisseur of dumb hats.

What, Michael doesn’t get a funny stereotype? How about guy who made them famous? Molester of small children? Perpetual weirdo Jackson? Sorry, Tito. You’ve been trumped.

Jackie talks about how it’s soo hard being famous now (um, used very loosely, in his case and the case of his brothers) how they just build you up and tear you down. You know, if people cared about them, that’s uh, probably what would happen.

HAH- then Jermaine tries to say that Michael’s success came from the brothers. Uh, okay. Keep dreaming.

Jermaine goes on to say that what is REAL is 2300 Jackson St. That’s real. You know, realness. The great state of Indiana. Nobody can dispute that.

But I can barf a little in my mouth.

Wait, has the show not even started yet? We’re finally getting intros.

Ugh, Tito.

And…they’re all executive producers, so you know it’s going to be unbiased.

Um, so they’re holding a press conference. Does anyone care? Where is Michael? Oh yeah, dead.

A Bowler hat for Tito, and waters all around!

They announce they’re going to record a 40 year anniversary album. Nice, all the hits, unadulterated by pesky talent or practice.

A month earlier (yeah, this show makes no fucking sense)…

Everyone meets at Tito’s house in beautiful Calabasas. Including some kids and grandkids. It’s good to know wonky names run in this family.

As do overinflated egos. Cheers, Jermajesty!

Oh, and here’s a bunch of Jacksons listening to their own music in a large, gas-guzzling vehicle!

Oh wow, we were relevant once!

Geez, the Jacksons keep talking about how they HAVE to find a way to make this work. Because, you know, the world won’t go on without a new Jackson five minus-the-famous-one record. Am I right, universe?

Then three of them Jam. Is this the type of music that they “owe” to their fans? Shitty shit that sounds like the seventies, if the seventies were, like, 30 years ago run by dudes constantly trying to relive their past?

Yup.

The Jacksons don’t want conflict, and need to focus. Also, maybe they need a little talent to make this record happen, no? Aren’t there like 9 more Jackson kids hidden away somewhere? One of them has to be able to carry a tune.

Then, they talk about how they’re gonna kick people’s asses if they mess with Michael. Ohhh, I guess he’s not dead yet in this episode. Wow, dudes, you guys have a lot of free time on your hands to talk about shit about maybe an album and then watching TMZ and deciding to kick people’s asses who mess with your by far more talented and notorious brother.

God, this is so fucking boring. Enough talking about a damn album. let’s see you all at the Neverland Ranch, feeding bubbles! Or Tito on a blind date. Geez!

Later, Tito and Jermaine read some rumors in OK! Magazine about them. Tito’s little troll face gets angry, and Jermaine is like, “this is gonna be the best album ever! We’re gonna show them!” Okay, dudes. Whatever.

Jermaine realizes that the group needs to be focused. Marlon’s in Nigeria, trying to find his roots (hah), Jackie is letting his son make an album and freeload off the fading success of the Jackson 5, and Tito? Well, watching Groucho Marx movies and masturbating to old pictures of himself. Am I right?

Then Jermaine picks up Marlon from the airport, and more fucking talk about the record. Marlon isn’t excited about being in the studio. No shit, residuals sound better than “working,” doesn’t it?

Apparently, the four of them decide to start practicing their dance moves before even setting foot in the studio to record anything. Uh, ok….

And Tito refuses to take off his bowler hat. Of course.

Wow, it’s like an old people parade.

They all are dawdling so that they don’t have to dance. Wow, for guys who are super interested in near-constant talking about an imaginary album (and have had like, 5 meetings in the course f the 20 minutes this show has been on) they sure don’t like to do shit. Am I right, Tito?

OHH Shit, I was just about to make fun of Tito’s tight, bright orange shirt, but Jackie’s wearing a leotard under his shorts!

HAHAHAHA. You’re off the hook Tito, for now!

Suddenly it’s May 16, 2009.

Still, the guys aren’t really interested in working. As Tito says (oh, Tito) “Even though we’re here to work, family comes first.” So that means…oh, a phone call to Janet Jackson. Yay delays!

Janet just got a French Bulldog for her birthday. Wow, even a phone conversation about some dumb birthday dog is more interesting than seeing these dudes shirk their album making.

Know what else is more interesting than the Jacksons not making mediocre music? Their ridiculous outfits.

Tito wins, but Jermaine looks like a stripper cop.

Jackie isn’t feeling the track that they FINALLY start working on. Oh, my bad. The work is mostly arguing. And, Tito barking at Jermaine and Jackie while Marlon takes a nap on the couch.

Wait, is there staff actually there? Who’s that white 20 year old in the corner?

Michael?

Then Jermaine- ever the egomaniac, just records the song himself, Family first, right?

Marlon says it sounds like, “a good roller-skating song” meaning it sounds gay, repetitious and from the seventies. Nice work, boys!

After Jermaine gets something laid down, Tito and Jermaine go eat, while Marlon and Jackie stay and conspire. Jackie just wasn’t “feeling the magic” on the track. Hmmm, maybe because your brother fired you from your singing duties on it?

Um, then Jackie ERASES the track that they’ve just spent a long time working on. Wow. This is going to be…a long fucking show.

When Jermaine and Tito get back, they’re pissed because the track is erased. Jackie just says it didn’t sound “Jackson five-y.” Hmm…maybe it’s because Michael isn’t there, the only one who has an ounce of talent between the five of youze guys?

After the session, Jermaine ges home to his mail order bride.

Presumably.

The smart mail order wife says that on Saturday the two of them can go to the Mosque and pray about the erased track. Wow, productive AND romantic. Nice work. Nadia or whatever your name is.

Two days later, at the Havenhurst family imprisonment Jackson camp, Jackie bitches to his mom and Jermaine goes to the Mosque with mail order.

Momma Jackson suggests to Jackie that they go back to Indiana and visit their old roots..read, their shitty Indiana home. Hey, that might help…in terms of fodder for the show. I don’t know if sitting on a shitty stoop where my Dad used to beat the shit outta me would make me make great music, but I dunno. Sure.

After the break, the four do go to Gary. Yeah, do some depressing sightseeing instead of working. But hey- that’s what these four do best: NOTHING!

And why do nothing in Los Angeles when you can do it in…

The shittiest city on earth!

On the corner of irrelevance and fucked up family issues!

Apparently, only Tito and Jackie actually go, with Siggy (the wannabe) and some big nephew or something. But before doing anything, they go visit their old school, giving poor Indianans hope that they, too, can someday ride on the coattails of a talented family member and wear douchey sweatshirts.

Don’t do drugs! Also, buy our shitty upcoming album!

Then they go to the auditorium where the Jackson 5 performed together in a talent show, or some shit.

Did you hear that, Gary Indiana?

Then they go see the mayor, Yes, the mayor of Gary. Oh man, what I would do to the mayor of Gary, Indiana…

Shave his face, first off.

Tito pretends to be the major, which is cute and hilarious. Meanwhile, back in LA, Jermaine is working on music. What? Out of the ordinary for these dudes.

Then Jackie and Tito visit the house they grew up in, and tell a funny anecdote about how Tito broke a string on his dad’s guitar and got the shit beaten out of him. Ah, memories.

God, this show is boring. I’m falling asleep to Jackie’s garbled mumblings about 40 years ago. Oh, and about how their Dad was actually not a bad guy, despite beating the shit out of everyone and giving everyone a complex. Nice.

I also love how they don’t have any friends there…maybe it’s for the best. Back in LA, they all play basketball with Tito, still in his fucking hat.

Tito Jackson: the man, the head-covered mystery.

Apparently, Jackie and Jermaine argue all the time. But really, do they have a lot of shit to argue about? Then Siggy gets all pissy about something, but I can’t tell what. Maybe that he’s on the bad end of a fucked up family? At least, that’s my guess.

Later, they have meeting number 508. Yeah, lots of time for meetings, outings and excursions, not so much for like, getting shit done. Am I right, boys?

So, the meeting is about FUCKING 1976. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Jermaine the fucking BABY is still pissed about when the Jackson 5 broke up and he went off to have his (ahem) stellar solo career.

So, fucking Jermaine still feels like an outsider because he quit the Jackson five on his own accord? Wow. Uh, get a life, dude.

Jermaine, crying like a little bitch.

Jermaine stayed in Motown because it introduced the Jackson 5 to the world. But I’m confused? He married some producer’s daughter? Where’d the others go? Hollywood? What about his solo career? Jesus, these old dudes really are living in the past, not that that’s bad if you’re them and still living off the shit you did at 14, but to watch. It’s depressing!

So, Jermaine quit the Jackson 5 to stay in Motown to be loyal to where the Jackson 5 started, I guess. God, these guys need a fucking hobby AND a therapist.

Then Tito, Jackie and Marlon starts moaning and groaning about how bad their life does, and how they had the toughest. Cut to the studio…empty. Kidding. But seriously, WHY are these fuckers bitching?

Then more talk about family, blah blah blah blah. Jackson 5. The group. Hugs. Me barfing.

Yay.

Oh, I guess they ironed out all of their issues, based on this cry-powwow around an antique trunk.

Oh yeah, then Michael Jackson dies.

You’d think to capitalize on this adequately, they’d leave this episode with a death-of-michael cliffhanger, but no. Lots of slow-motion news footage and more goddamned testimonials from the non-talented Jacksons.

Of course it is. Whatever makes the money, right?

Wow. Can I really endure a whole season of this show? Do you want to watch me slowly go insane? Then tune in!