It’s Janice’s World! We Just Live in It!

So I’ve been trying to get this recap up for a few weeks because I firmly believe that one dose of Janice a week is simply not enough. As a matter of fact, two isn’t really enough either, but I fear that three might be akin to giving a diabetic a powdered donut – DEADLY. Regardless, here I am, recapping not one but two episodes of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, which to those of you who aren’t in the know, stars the world’s self-proclaimed first supermodel and former America’s Next Top Model judge, Janice Dickinson. She’s starring in a reality show about trying to launch her own modeling agency and about being crazy and fabulous. Apparently, it’s not an easy task. These last two weeks, Janice has booked her models first jobs: A foot modeling gig for the ladies and an underwear modeling gig for the guys (I have to keep reminding myself that this show is on the Oxygen network, and thus, I can see why the guys are modeling underwear, and sadly, not the ladies). Janice has taken on a partner to help her run the agency, and she has to deal with her kids and her own wackiness constantly leaving us with the question: WHAT WILL JANICE DO NEXT!?!?As we start the episode Janice has already picked 16 male and female models to represent her modeling agency. What she is looking for is models who are ready to work and create revenue for her immediately. Botox injections don’t come cheap, you know. In order to make this business boom, she’s taken on a partner Peter Hamm, who Janice is having trouble sharing decisions with. You would think she’d be used to sharing decisions with other people, with all the different personalities she has fighting for control over her stick-body. Oh, I make fun because I love! Janice and Peter are holding their largest casting call yet to fill-out the modeling agency’s roster of fine pieces of ass.

So Janice gets dressed like Mrs. White from the movie Clue, because, that’s how she’d dress to go to Open Call in Paris. I love that Janice is like that crazy aunt you have that always tells you stories about “wartime” and asks if Frank and Dean and the rest of the guys are still on the radio.
Janice is a little nervous and overwhelmed by the turnout, but since she is still able to feel emotions, she is also touched. She gets on a bullhorn – is it me or does she actually sound quieter on that thing – and gives an inspirational speech about staying fabulous and kicking ass. It’s all very Nazi Germany propaganda with just a splash of French Couture, and the crowd roars in approval.

The open call starts and of course, like an American Idol audition we keep seeing weirdo after weirdo mixed in with the genetic freaks who are all would-be models. Janice turns away a guy with pigtails, a 45-year-old woman who looks like a man, and I think a porn star and her pimp.

But then all is saved by Stina. Stina is a statuesque beauty that both Janice and Peter love, but I like her too, not because she’s hot, well, not only because she’s hot, but because the only reason she wants to model is “to be with Janice.” It’s sweet in a stalker-ish kind of way.

A whole bunch of people try with different degrees of success and are put through various kinds of modelesque forms of torture. What exactly is the point of getting that one doughy guy to do his runway walk naked in only his construction boots? I don’t know but Janice’s team of gay consultants seem to enjoy it. It’s also kind of funny when one girl is clunking around in high heels and she tells Janice that she’s been wearing these heels since 5 am and Janice tells her that she’s been wearing her shoes for “900 years.”

Next up is Claudia Charriez. HELLLLO, CLAUDIA.

She’s a Latina princess with the best walk of any of the models. I’m listening… wait, but, uhh, what’s that thing on your neck. It looks like an Adam’s apple. Oh, oh. Claudia is really a man! Apparently, Claudia made it all the way to the semi-finals of America’s Next Top Model, but was disqualified for being a transsexual. That hasn’t stopped Naomi Campbell, so I don’t get why it should stop Claudia. But Janice took a liking to shim and she’s been trying to help ever since. Janice’s son Nathan describes my quandary perfectly:

Except he doesn’t say it all that distinctly because he’s a) trying to hide his massive boner from his mother, and b) he doesn’t so much speak as garble. This kid has got to get some speech therapy or something. The problem with Claudia, besides her penis, is the fact that she doesn’t want her personal business being told to everyone, which Janice is fine with. However, when it comes time to modeling with another man, Janice had to disclose that information to the male model, who was then hesitant to touch her during the photo shoot. Well, of course Janice had to tell the other model. It’s in the Derek Zoolander How to be a Ridiculously Good Model Handbook AND she took the Dolce & Gabbana oath, which is just like the Hippocratic Oath doctor’s take, but way better accessorized.

Janice calls in the next group of guys and we get to see them all prancing around with their shirts off until I am basically forced to put down my Doritos, get off the couch and do some sit ups. Damn you genetics. ALRIGHT, alright. Damn you laziness. Janice, however, is in a great mood, almost messing her pants, especially when she sees John, who is her number one model. And masturbation fantasy.

IN CASE YOU TVGASM READERS WERE WONDERING WHAT UMNATA LOOKS LIKE IN PERSON

A group of girls are herded in like cattle, and Janice tells them they are awesome, but not what she is looking for today. She asks them to leave, but Peter stops her and asks her to keep the girl on the end with the platinum blonde hair from Fargo, South Dakota. Janice does not approve. Peter, tells Janice to trust him, just like he says to those high school girls when he tells them he’s a doctor. I don’t know there is something slimy about Peter. Ehh, maybe I’m just jealous.

Janice, however, is disgusted with his choice, but Peter says they are in Southern California and he needs a good bikini girl. Janice isn’t sold, but Peter thinks Fargo is ready for a Coors Light commercial, FHM, Maxim, and a little movie he’s producing called If You Want to be a Model You Have To Ride My Face. Janice might agree, but that’s not the kind of modeling she wants to get into business with. She wants French Vogue. Ugh, Janice, get off your high horse. You are Janice Dickinson for Christ’s sake. Anyone who has ever been the host of any kind of reality show can never get on any kind of high horse. It’s like, the ChenBot law. The worst part of all this is that they are having this argument about the girl, right in front of her. I understand that this is the business, but you can’t help but feel bad for Fargo.

Janice is ready to give her the boot until she looks over at her son who is rubbing one out to Fargo’s hot body. Of all the girls he has seen today, she is his favorite. So maybe there’s something to her. Not according to Janice’s make-up God, Gabe, who lays it out on the table saying that she is F***ing ugly. Whoa. Look, I see what Janice is saying, and this Fargo girl is no Elle McPherson, but she’s a disfiguring car accident and a Star Jones away from being ugly.

Janice has a huge callback, and she and Peter are going to have photo shoots with everyone and then make their decisions on who stays and who goes. Janice sends Gabe over to the changing stations, so he can make everyone pretty. Gabe then tells us that he can look at any human being and find 5 fast ways to make them look better. Whoa is that your mutant power, Gabe? Or are you one of the 4400?

Peter wants to talk to Fargo, who is in her bikini and it’s hard to concentrate on what Peter’s saying. He’s saying something about America, and fighting the Gay Mafia. I don’t know, Fargo is hot.

Fargo is having her photo shoot, and Janice is still not getting it. Ok, she might be hot, but she looks like Paris Hilton with tits, and that is a negative. She even kind of stands like her. Ugh, I hate Paris Hilton. Janice is kind of horrible to the poor girl, saying that they need to put something to cover her hair and she’s too short.

Claudia, after changing in the She-Man room (she’s pre-op), is getting her turn in front of the camera. Janice, because she’s a sadist and because it makes for good TV, gets one of her male would-be models to pose with Claudia. She tells him to make out with her, to which he replies: “Uhh… tongues?” It’s hysterical, but I feel bad for Claudia. Janice wants them to get up close and personal with each other, and the male model is having some problems with that.

Peter is walking outside and spots Sarah, this beautiful girl out for a day with her family. He comes up to her out of the blue and says she’s beautiful and he wants to take some pictures of her. She says sure. Umm, this is where that line between reality and reality TV is slightly blurred I think. I can’t imagine her parents allowing their 18-year-old daughter to join this guy for an intimate photo shoot, but whatever. This girl is gorgeous, and she’s got some set of teeth. Janice freaks out about her. Gabe loves her so much that he’s going to do her himself. I bet that’s the first time he’s ever said that. They take her pictures, and she is really quite stunning.

After a day of model shooting Janice is going to tell the prospects whether they have made it or not, she pulls them all into the room together. I kind of want her to say: “In my hand I have two photos…” all Tyra like, but she doesn’t. She picks another few models, including Sarah, Stina, Claudia and Fargo. Incidentally, when she announces that she has picked Claudia, she only says that she needs Claudia’s help, and I wonder if the he-woman is going to actually model, or just help the girls on the catwalk and molest the men.

The next day Lily Holt comes in, who is a shoe designer, and she is there first client. Most important to Lily is what their feet look like. Fargo walks in and Janice tells her that she looks pretty today, for a change. Aww, how sweet. Luckily, this girl is from the Midwest, and either doesn’t realize she’s being insulted or is too sweet to say anything. Sarah gets her first demerit when she comes to the audition without a pedicure! That’s like a carpenter going to work without a hammer. Lily loved, Natalie, Sarah, Fargo and Stina. Sarah’s never had a mani-pedi before, and Janice is shocked. She’s also never feasted on the blood of a kitten, so Janice is going to have a lot to teach her.

Lily hasn’t actually hired the girls for a runway show, but rather as high-end prostitutes to work a party and show off the shoes and chat them up with all her guests. The girls are kind of nervous of course. Everyone else gets off a little easier, dressed in matching white skirts and t-shirts, but Stina is in a bikini and is asked to lie on top of a table for the night. Awkward. The girls do a great job walking about talking up their shoes and ALL the services they provide. Wink, wink.

Peter gives Lily their first invoice, and she gladly pays. A little pushy, but hey it’s the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, doing business with them and NOT getting attacked by Janice and you’re pretty lucky.

So there we have it Janice’s first job was a hit even if Fargo was one of the models. Now it’s time to check out what the guys can do on their first job.

The first thing I notice about this episode is how extremely Janice is lit. Seriously, what did they do, borrow the sun and smear some Vaseline on the lens?

But beyond that, the episode is about Janice booking her male models for a show in New York city for the men’s underwear line 2(x)ist.

The guys are told to strip down to their undies and get ready to strut their stuff. They love Paul, and his crazy abs, but is no one noticing he’s losing his hair? No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

THE UGLY SIDE OF MODELING

They meet and fall for TJ the guy from Ohio, and his aww shucks charm. They also love Sorin the Romanian muscle God.

The guy from 2(x)ist basically needs to get scraped off the floor and is going to need a new pair of his own 2(x)ist underwear, after seeing him.

But then poor, dim Sorin, who is so dangerously close to being named after the source of all evil in the Lord of the Rings trilogy that he should look like one of the nerds on The Simpsons, has to speak, and things go downhill from there. The guy from 2(x)ist starts asking Sorin about the huge tattoo that is “permanently affixed to his body” and Sorin can do nothing but stand there and burn fat. That’s not good.

The 2(x)ist people choose TJ, Paul and John for their advertising event. As much as they liked Sorin he doesn’t make the final cut, because he couldn’t speak. Like last week with the ladies at the foot fetish clinic, this is going to be a social event where the guys are going to have to interact with people and since Sorin is not only very pretty, he’s also a retarded mute, they pass on him. TJ has wanted to do underwear ever since Mark Wahlberg did Calvin Klein, so this is a dream come true for him. On a show about modeling that airs on the Oxygen network, you, TJ have just uttered the gayest sentence ever. Congratulations.

To prove that Romanian Meatheads have feelings to, we discover that Sorin isn’t just about protein shakes and dumbbells. He’s having a manly cry about not getting the job and being able to meet people and make connections.

He realizes that this was an easy job, and if he couldn’t get picked for this what are the chances for him to get picked for something else. He makes the mistake of crying to Janice, and she tells him that yeah he might have a perfect body, but maybe it’s not perfect for 2(x)ist, which is the wrong thing to say. Janice, just tell him he’s stupid and move on with it. She also points to her picture and makes her umpteenth anecdote about her own modeling career. Hey! Hey! Did you know that Janice Dickinson was homeless when she was 18 trying to become a model? Tell us again Janice! Please! Please!

To make herself feel better, Janice changes into her best street hooker outfit and heads on home to have a meaningful conversation with her son in front of a camera crew. I like her son Nathan, because, well, he has my life. But the scenes with him and his mother, are so staged and forced they are kind of hard to watch. Like in this gem of mother-son bonding, Nathan is complaining about what his mother is wearing. Well I can’t imagine why. Just because her old lady boobs are literally falling out of her Tarzan loincloth of a dress is no reason to get uptight. The real question to me is though, why would she change in the first place. It just makes no sense. She went from the office to her house, why would she change into this? Oh, that’s right, to start a fight with her son on camera. Sorry, my fault.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO UNCOMFORTABLE, NATE? IS IT THIS?

OR IS IT THIS?

Janice tells Nate that he’s not her father, and that she’s the parent, which is the most unintentionally funny part of the episode. She asks about school, and the conversation starts getting really incoherent. Nate was obviously under the impression that he was joining his mother on her trip to NY. Janice, in turn, tells him that he’s going to have to make a choice: School or the Agency! Mom of the YEAR Ladies and Gentleman. To increase the dramatic effect the producers cut to a commercial.

Nate quickly decides to choose the agency. You know, the modeling agency, with all the would-be models, many of whom have been rejected and need to feel love and will do anything, and I mean anything, to become Janice Dickinson models. No shit. Really? Well, Janice decides that if he’s going to choose the Agency then she’ll just have to call his dad and tell him that he’s bouncing out of school. This leads to a very uncomfortable fight over the phone in which it seems very likely that Nate is going to get up close and personal with his mother’s vagina, as she spills out of her barely there dress. Nate’s got to run to class, which is a good thing, because it helps to keep Janice from embarrassing herself any further with her motherly worries.

I guess because a bunch of male models prancing around in their skivvies isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, we get some filler with TJ’s home life. TJ is from Ohio, and he really wants to be a slashie, you know like Fabio – a famous actor/model. Currently, TJ lives in Los Angeles, and is a manny to three little girls. That’s about it, but after seeing this I kind of feel bad for making fun of him before, because he seems like a genuinely nice guy – too nice to be on a reality TV show. Then he takes his shirt off and I hate him again, so the feeling of guilt goes away pretty fast.

The gang is all assembled in NY, and they are meeting with the 2(x)ist models. They model the underwear briefly for the designer again, which is probably unnecessarily, but gosh does he like the way those boys’ boys move in their lime green boxer briefs.

Janice then takes her male models around New York, and of course she creates a stir everywhere she goes. Oh Janice! In another totally spontaneous moment, one of her assistant’s runs over to her in the middle of Times Square and says that someone wants to hire the models RIGHT NOW! Gadzooks! To the model mobile!

THEY MIGHT NOT BE THE TOUGHEST GANG IN NYC BUT THEY SURE ARE THE PRETTIEST

At Rothmans department store the guys are hired to be real life mannequins in the store window and on the street. It’s like this show is about my life. You have NO idea how many times I get stopped on the street in front of Bloomingdales and asked to model in their store window. It’s eerie.

At the show that night every man and woman in the room loses their composure when the boys enter and start disrobing. The guys are walking around the room in their underwear, and suspiciously, several people want to feel the fabric of the undies. And by fabric they mean cock. Modeling sounds not at all demeaning.

Janice, of course, was a little bit late to the show, because she’s the world’s first supermodel and this is an underwear show being held in a loft. Yuck. But thank God for Janice, because if she hadn’t shown up these guys wouldn’t have EVER gotten up to model on the table. Thank you Janice.

Janice is on her way back home, so that means Nate is going to have to clean up. Earlier we saw him playing a wacky game of golf with some of Janice’s goblets. Yeah, right. I’m sure that is what Nate was doing all weekend. I guess watching him dispose of the body of that hooker wasn’t okay for basic cable.

So two weeks and two successful jobs. What part of the body will Janice’s models tackle next? Elbows? Clavicles? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Now a little treat for all us Janice lovers out there: Next week the one, the only J-Unit will be recapping! So stay tuned!