SHOW US YOUR, ERR, TEETH!

So what has Janice Dick gotten her models into this week? Well, I guess any day when Janice is twisting off the head of a kitten is a good day at the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency – so everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. Or of boredom. When Janice’s crazy-osity levels are low I find myself bored. As much as I cringe for poor, sweet Nate (Janice’s put-upon marble-mouthed teenage son) when his mother is prancing around a water fountain ruining a couture dress because she was overwhelmed by the La Dolce Vita-ness of it all (La Dolce Vita? Or, maybe, The First Wives Club?), I’m much more entertained than when she is being (by Janice standards) well-behaved. Sadly, despite a Mrs. Benet-type stage mom, a national commercial audition and and eye-patched Janice looking like a slightly less gay Capt. Jack Sparrow, I found this installment of Janice faux-reality exploits a little lackluster. Find out why after the jump.1-800-Dentist is looking for some Janice Dick models for their two national television commercials. Four roles will be cast to stand around and look pretty, while one role will have lines to speak. Acting might be a problem for some of these models, because it’s never been made clear that models can actually read. Oh stop! They good to be physical specimens, I get to be bitter about it. Those are the rules.

Enter Fred Joyal, CEO of 1-800-Dentist, and his casting director Kim. The first thing I look at is their teeth, because if the CEO of 1-800-Dentist doesn’t have perfect teeth, I don’t know who will. Ehh, I’m not impressed. Fred is a marketing genius, because he casts himself in most of his commercials. You know, kind of like the way M. Night Shyamalan casts himself in an integral role in all of his movies. Except, the 1-800-Dentist commercials make sense. And don’t suck.

Janice lines all the models up outside and starts picking them to shreds one by one. You’re not groomed! You need to wipe the sleep out of your eyes! You need to vomit up your breakfast! Janice is tired – tired of having to be General Janice Dick. In one of the most surreal moments yet in this portrayal of insanity, Janice asks what it says on the door! WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE DOOR! Out of fear that Janice’s face could peel off at any minute, the models murmur: “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency! Sir, yes, Sir!” She’s a weird twist between Joan Crawford in the “No wire hangers” scene in Mommies Dearest and Simone in Dazed and Confused (“Fry piggish!”). She specifically singles out Tony, for his unclean skin and sends him to the store for DermaBlend, which the formerly obese guy thinks is the newest shake at Baskin Robbins.

The auditions come and go without much fuss. Tall, thin and gorgeous Grayce is adorable, and Marcus is a little too thuggish. Least surprising of all, Sorin doesn’t really nail the script reading. Why is Janice doing this to him? Shouldn’t she know by now that the Romanian Muscle God is meant to be seen and not heard? The exact opposite of Umnata, as a matter of fact. Tony, zits and all, nails the reading, and gets the coveted National Commercial acting gig. For the look, but don’t speak commercial Fred and Kim pick: Natalie, Grayce, Paul (still buff, still balding) and Andrew, who last week got his hair cut like the newest member of a Flock of Seagulls cover band to look more edgy, much to his dismay.

Janice doesn’t have time to worry about the 1-800-Model nonsense, because she’s packing up for a weekend in Vegas for Model Search America. Peter is really into it – When he hears model search, he hears “Peter Hamm Casting Couch Audition 2006″. Wink, wink. Janice, clearly having a lucid day, doesn’t want to go because she thinks it will be cheesy. What about the words Las Vegas and Model Search America sounds cheesy, Janice? Oh. Wait. All of it.

The morning of the big event Janice wakes up and there is something wrong with her eye. It’s swollen shut. Sadly there are no infants in the area for Janice to suck the blood out of so she has to go to the emergency room. Meanwhile, Peter is running around looking for anyone gay enough to be part of Janice’s posse. Finally, he bumps into Nate and the gang, and they tell him all about Janice’s condition. Peter wonders if it’s critical, to which Nathan says, “Rrrs, ashih, garble, garble, turtle.” I rewind my DVR and turn on the Closed Captioning and apparently Nathan said that his mother couldn’t even open her eye. And that he has figured cured cancer.

Janice finally makes it to the Model Search cornea scratched and eye patch on. Janice and Peter agree to work on their communication skills, since Peter had no idea where she was all morning. For the second time in as many weeks, when Janice is backed into a corner she lies like a fifteen year old girl whose parents found a beer can in her car. “It all happened so fast,” she exclaims, even though we saw her waiting outside the ER for a few hours.

Janice enters the room, and there is a genuine roar from the crowd for her. I’ll lay my cynicism aside, and say that the producers didn’t get the crowd all riled up. It’s nice that people are excited about Janice Dick, besides me and J-Unit.

So here’s how things work at Model Search America. The potential models/future porn stars are rushed past the desks of the various modeling agencies. If the agency likes them, they write the pot-mod number down to see them again at callbacks the next day. Janice sees a lot of No, no, nos, but Peter sees a lot of potential. No, not for the Janice Dick Modeling Agency, but for his own personal collection of Girls with Low Self-Esteem videos. That is until Janice gets an eyeful (get it!?!? Eyeful! Try the veal!) of 16-year-old Brittany, who is truly stunning.

The next day Janice is waiting around for Peter at the callbacks, but he’s busy getting an underage girl to sign a waiver of his own. He shows up late and they get into the first (but certainly not the last) fight. It’s actually not their real first fight, but the first fight Peter has with this particular one of Janice’s personalities. They take a time-out. Peter should try this mantra: 3-2-1, 1-2-3 what the heck is bothering me? If it’s enough to calm down Carl Winslow, it’s certainly good enough for Peter Hamm. They meet back up, make nice, and get on with it. The only person of note that they are checking out is Brittany, and her scary Stage Mom. Brittany’s mother claims to not be a stage mom, but that’s after she tells Janice that she’s a dancer and that they should hang out sometime. Here’s the test (just like Probie’s on Rescue Me), if you have to claim you are NOT a stage mom, chances are, you ARE a stage mom. Regardless, it was all worth it because Brittany is amazing.

Oh don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about the 1-800-Dentist commercial. You know something is going to go wrong, because before this we get to see Tony explain to us in detail about how much he needs this job. That’s like the reality show equivalent of someone checking out a spooky noise in a dark basement of a horror movie.

It’s already an hour late and two of the models haven’t shown up yet. Of course the ladies are on time and already getting fitted for their best teeth exposing outfits. Also on time is no nonsense Paul. That leaves Flock of Andrew and Tony. Tony has the most to lose, since his role has actual lines. Fred is not someone to be messed with and tells Kim to recast Tony’s role. Amazingly, just as they are getting ready to call in Sorin to take over the speaking part Tony and Flock of Andrew show up claiming that they were lost. But here they are and all is good in the world!

It’s really interesting to see how these low-tech, laughable commercials get made. Paul, Grayce, Natalie and Flock of Andrew do their best smiling with Fred front and center, for the Da Vinci Smile. Da Vinci smile? What is that? Does that mean that the product will be insanely popular, but actually utterly useless? Might want to look into a name change Fred. The editing on Tony’s commercial shoot is done to make us believe that Tony is about to get fired at any minute. In actuality, all though he did mess up, I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as we were meant to believe. To that end, Fred calls Janice to tell her how pleased he is with how the shoot went! Smiles all around.

So that was this week’s lame adventures of Janice Dick. Next week it looks like she butts horns with a lady at Virgin records over turning her models into whores. Now, that is the Janice Dick that I know and love.