So Sexy It Hurts!

While the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency seems to be off to a good start, one does wonder just how viable the whole enterprise would be if all of these potential clients weren’t getting free publicity from the television show. That being said, she seems to be trying her best to actually run the business. She is constantly looking for new models, and she has signed a business manager who appears to be more into making money than being on TV, so that is a start. While her models have been getting gigs for some clothing lines and for commercials, Janice wants her models doing high fashion. 1-800-DENTIST might pay the bills, but the Da Vinci smile isn’t going to get anybody on the cover of French Vogue. This week, Janice’s models got a small taste of the runway for a Virgin Megastore fashion show, but first they were going to have to learn how to walk.Although she hasn’t put anybody on the cover of French Vogue yet, Janice is still very proud of her models and her company. Clients are coming in from all over the place, which Janice says speaks well to the agency, but again, I say that it speaks mostly to the fact that she has her own television crews all over the place. Still, it was a big day for the company when Chip Dorsch, head of the new Virgin fashion line, and Niki Shadrow, aspiring fashion producer, showed up to pick some guys and girls for a runway show that was happening at the Virgin Megastore.

After careful consideration, Nikki and Chip made their picks. Among them were “veterans” like Stina and Ms. Fargo, but we also had a bunch of first timers like Nyabel, Claudia (the transsexual), and Brittany, the 16 year-old that Janice found in Vegas. The guys included Chris, Tony Perez, and Marcus.

All of this is great news, but Janice does have a slight problem in that none of her models can really walk, and she promised that they would be able to walk in time for the shoot. To tell you the truth, this is probably not that big of a deal for this particular shoot. This show was not going to be part of any larger fashion show, but rather a one-time thing that was taking place in the store itself. Putting together a fashion show doesn’t mean that you are the height of haute couture. As of this writing, the Virgin website doesn’t even list Virginware (as the clothing line is called) on the website in the US. Therefore, I can only imagine that if Ms. Shadrow or Janice fuck up, not that many people are going to notice.

Janice took all of her models, men and women, to Level 3 studios for their walking lesson. You may remember from the audition episodes that Janice did single out Claudia for having a great walk, but even she could learn a few things, so Janice had a couple of drag queens come over and teach them how to walk. Now, I have been doing writing on various modeling shows for a while now, but can somebody take some time and explain to me why men dressing up as women are always the ones that walk the best? Is it the hair? The makeup? The attitude? Is it because they always have to be conscious about not walking around like they have balls?

While the girls seemed to be fairly receptive about the idea of learning their walks, the guys seemed to have a really big problem with it, like they were somehow above learning how to walk from guys wearing dresses, as if it was somehow going to impugn on their masculinity. Come on! These guys are male models! Sure they may not be effeminate and some of them have rugged looks, but they are still male models! Did you see the guys when they were packing for New York? There were more soaps and lotions than the Clinique counter! How can they turn their noses at walking lessons from a couple of drag queens? If football players can take ballet, then these jerks can surely learn a thing or two about the runway from a couple of dudes dressed as women.

You probably thought that the drag queens were the strangest part of the lesson, but you would of course be wrong. Janice proceeded to trot out a couple of belly dancers because she wanted everybody to be comfortable with their bodies. Oh, I’ve got an idea, why don’t you point out all of their bad parts with a sharpie! That will make them feel better! I guess I can kind of understand how belly dancers could make you feel more comfortable with your body, but as our favorite model booker Kodi Foster said, it might be a lot for them to be taking in all at once. These people could barley walk a few minutes, and now you’ve got them gyrating all over the place? Smells like a recipe for disaster, and to top it all off, Janice was upset that some of the models were shy about walking around in their underwear. She was showing NO mercy, not even for the people who showed up to the lesson not wearing any underwear. See, if you are going to do French Vogue, you are going to have to be willing to show a little boob or a little pube every now and then. But come on Janice, not everybody is so comfortable showing their ass off in public.

Part of the hype for this week’s show was the creative differences that Janice had with Niki Shadrow, and something was bound to happen when Janice arrived with her models at Niki’s store for the fitting, and Niki said that she wasn’t ready. Niki has one celebrity client, and that client happened to be there when Janice showed up. Janice, who doesn’t want to be number two to anybody. It’s bad enough that she has to deal with a beginner like Niki Shadrow, but that doesn’t mean Janice is going to make it any easier on anybody.

Niki said that her goal was to have a rocking show with rocking girls, but she and Janice were having a difficult time merging their creative visions. To Niki, rocking girls meant short and sexy, but Janice thought that Niki’s short and sexy was really just short an skanky, and she objected to almost everything that the girls were wearing. She became so exasperated at one point, she asked Gabe to get control of Niki “or I’ll slash my wrists and choke on shrimp”. Choke on shrimp? Is that some kind of model threat I haven’t heard of?

I’d pay $100 for that! Oh, you’re talking about the dress? Nevermind.

After a little while, Niki brought out some looks that Janice thought were more acceptable, although she thought some things were still too short, saying that her girls aren’t going to walk around with their vaginas out, because it’s not a good look. Oh really Janice? Again, I reference the Surreal Life:

It’s not a good look

I can understand that Janice wants to have standards, but I think she is sending them mixed messages if one day she is telling them they should be comfortable naked, and the next day she spends trying to cover them up. Yes, I know that Virginware is not Chanel or Armani, but Janice’s agency is not Ford or Elite. You have to start somewhere if you want to get better.

At the fashion show, Janice became even more upset. Her first complaint was with the runway, which she called a picnic table. Again, what did she expect? This fashion show was taking place in the Virgin Megastore at Hollywood and Highland, in the same complex where Janice’s modeling agency is located. The venue was just about as big as it was going to get. And just imagine, all of this complaining happened before she saw any of her models on the actual runway, and that’s where she and Niki once again butted heads.

Like I said before, Niki wanted rocker girls, but what it looked like was an audition for some soft-core porn. It was quickly spiraling into a disaster, and Janice was threatening to pull out of the show completely. However, it is pretty much an empty threat, and it looks like the only thing Janice wanted was a lot of attention. Yes, she didn’t want her girls to act too slutty on the runway, but the real reason she was making a scene was because she knew she could and still get away with it. Think about it, would she be pulling this shit with Kai Milla? I don’t think so. As much as Niki wanted to pretend that it was all pissing her off, it was all worth it to get her name out there. However, at the end of it all, she said that she was challenging Janice to a walk-off at the afterparty, and no matter what I say about Janice, she could wipe the floor with Ms. Shadrow in a mother-fucking walk-off.

When it came time for the actual show, most of the drama seemed to go away. Janice round her models up beforehand and told them not to be strippers, and for the most part they followed her directions. It was nice to see all of the models get up there, because they really are excited by everything they are doing, and for the most part, they all seem a lot more real an unrehearsed, which is not something I can say about Janice and the rest of her crew. In fact, if the show was to go on for more seasons, I would suggest making a little bit more like Eight and Ocean and a little bit less like Janice gone wild.

What did you think of the episode?