Haterade Latte en route to sweet rewards!

Lets face it, we all jumped on the OC Bandwagon, loving to hate and hating to love it but nevertheless joining the Cooper’s and Cohen’s each and every Wednesday, much as we did back in day with our Peach Pit Pals. it was the one night in my week that was always engraved in my black book with sharpie opposed to pencil, my one true plan…i couldn’t be anywhere, I had a hot date with the gang that actually had more drama than i did. Needles to say the ride on this bandwagon was a bit bumpy at times and much like a trek into the valley from glorious WEHO, steadily climbing up a hill, hurling us around curves, this way and that and then gradually descending only to end up in a sketchy little area wishing you were back where you started.
Here it comes…that’s right, the haterade, AKA criticism…but if you make it to the end I promise it will become somewhat constructive and by no means will I abandon my Wednesday pal’s , in fact, I miss them already.

O.C.(Outrageously Critical Characterizations)

i honestly believe that each character portrayed truly represents the OC in more ways then one, coming together to create a dynamic Californian Klan

Sandy ; Outrageously Cool, Calm Collected

Ok, not only is he totally chill and always ready to rescue troubled teens, or trek off to The Vegas for a little fun but he is what all the gals have been waiting for since American Pie…he’s a DILF(dad i’d Like to Fuck). C’mon, he’s cute, funny and caring…Kiki is one lucky Cohen.

Kiki: Or was it Chardonnay, Champagne, Cognac, Chambord….

Granted she’s a hot and cool mom but the woman is a stresscase and needs to look into the 12 step program before cirrhosis of the liver kicks in. We knew it had become a problem when even promos had shots of Kiki throwing back the bubbly. Kiki, please take the first step and just admit you are a DRUNK.

Seth: Ocean Cruisin Cheeseball

is he going to Tahiti??? We were all left hanging on this one, and honestly, could this dorky urban outfitters wearing dorky Cohen really make it there? We love him, he’s cute, cuddly , full of personality and has an adorable girlfriend after having escaped a thrilling love triangle. He was the man for awhile but now all he has is Summer Breeze…does it make him feel fine?

Ryan: Outta Control Cocky Ex-Chino

This wife -beater wearing wanna be tough guy leaves a lot to be desired, it is no wonder that Seth has become the OC heartthrob; there was no competition. I was never happier to see anyone return home as I was when he cruised past Marissa with a lovelorn pout, seated next to his baby’s momma in her ’77 mustard yellow pinto. Honestly, we couldn’t help but laugh…serves the horny little trouble making prick right. And as for his acting ability, basically he flunked out of Acting 101 and doesn’t have any abilities other than having mastered a plethora of methods in which to say “HEY”. No wonder he and Marissa were such a perfect pair.

Luke: On top of the Coopers

He was the all American football stud that we just wanted to love, though we never understood why he was dating, sleeping with and supposedly in love with Marissa the croissant banged lush. He had a lot of potential and after booting her had a pretty promising future until that quirky “my dad is gay” revelation popped up and in turn made him a little bit whacky. Needless to say his storyline blossomed with his infatuation and love affair with the one and only Julie Copper. Apparently he saw the MILF in her much as I see the DILF in Sandy…so I can’t really blame him there and after all, at least he kept it all in the family…riight??

Anna: On a jet plane Cross Country

She was the spunky, punky, fun-loving risky Cohen loving chic that it was so hard to say goodbye to. Had she remained I could have easily watched the intense love triangle drag on for at least the remainder of the season and after she trekked off to Pittsburg the show dynamic and intrigue definitely faded. I was holding out for a little menage trois or perhaps a little Summer / Anna cat fight complete with a little hair pulling. Afterall…isn’t that how they do it in the OC bitch?

Summer: Obvious Cutie Crushin’ on a Cohen

She’s the Jen Aniston of the OC , so cute , so perky, a little ditzy at times but its endearing so we let it slide. She is always donning those cute preppy fashions straight outta Abercrombie and American Eagle, much as 90 percent of the girls in highschool did, only she’s a lot more adorable in them so we also love her for that. Her Seder learning Shiksappeal won the heart of the love tangled Seth Cohen and she looked pretty good in that Wonder Woman costume, I can’t say I could really rock that but I have considered it since her debut. Her fame was best established by actions of words in the mere fact that Cohen himself named his flipping boat after her. I just hope this ship doesn’t sink.

Julie: Outlandishly Carnal and Covetous

What kind of role model are you woman. My god…no wonder your daughter is such a mess. For starters you are a pedophile and a hoalicious one at that. Sleeping with and then ditching your daughter’s ex….there is just nothing to say for that. And then to top it off…freshly post coital you are marrying someone who could be your father because you are a gold digging power hungry wannabe princess. Newsflash for ya momma Cooper, we hate you and we love love love to hate you. Mothers’s and Grandmother’s of the OC keep your sons and husbands under tight reigns or this money loving menopausal nymph might snatch them up before you can say CALIFORNIIIIAAAAA.

Jimmy: Overcoming Calamity

So he’s an ex-con with a dysfunctional family life, in love with his best friend’s wife but dating her sister. HMMMMMMMM….yep. One part Jimmy and one part Cooper just about equals a perfect recipe for disaster if I do say so myself. ehy, I wonder if that was going to be an entree at the restaurant he was planning to open?

Marissa: Out of Date Couture

Hey! (this was the disappointed and pouty one) So she may be best friend to Summer but will never ever be on a level playing field in any way shape or form. The number one reason and atrocious act of Marissa…her disgusting fashion choices. Tacky metallics, flourscents, ballet slippers, gaudy chanel, tight 80s jeans, pouffy dresses and for good sake the bangs. She should be plastered all over the Glamour don’t pages if you ask me. As she stood at he edge of her driveway with all that luggage I couldn’t help but beg for someone to set fire to all the supposedly fashionistaish garb that was packed inside. Let’s hope that over the summer while hopefully nestled cozily at Betty Ford she is reading a little In Style so she isn’t so ridiculously outta style next season.

Theresa: Obstetric Chaquita

She got knocked up. The classic highschool drama that we had all been waiting to encounter and it happens with this 16 going on 30 year-old Chino chic. I was a bit frustrated with this, thought it was overdone and cliche but to be honest i never really liked her. She was needy and a bit annoying, never one of the gang that i considered part of the OC really. However, she was a key player in the eviction of Ryan the rodent so for that I owe her my life. Here’s to a happy, healthy pregnancy!

Kaleb: Ominous Old timer whose Corrupt and Crooked

On one hand he’s associated to the Cohen’s so you kinda hafta like him, on the other hand he is uniting the two families and merging an incestous little melting pot that could make next year’s Thanksgiving even more special. He screwed over Sandy and for that I will never forgive him ad he is marrying the craziest chic in the OC for that I don’t respect him. Not to mention he blackmailed his soon to be step daughter which is just unacceptable and after all, why would he really want to live with her anyway. Guess he’s all about nesting with Luke’s leftovers.

So granted I have pretty much hated on each and every character and been a bit critical but deep down I have a hidden sweet tooth for the show… I can’t wit to revisit the OC PATISSERE in the fall and I sincerely hope you will all venture there with me , but first, peruse the menu to see just what each character has to offer up…they all a have potential, a little sweetness and enough individuality to satisfy different cravings and tastes.

OC PATISSERE MENU:

Julie: Lemon Tart – Sour thru and thru but sometimes intriguing
Kristen: Cinnamon Roll: Sweet and comforting but always spinning
Ryan; Day old Corn Muffin: Discounted but a little stale
Luke: Jelly Filled: pretty outside but once u bite down its a mess
Sandy; Bagel w/ Lox: a tasty morsel that’s a good option all day long
Kaleb: Kruller- an old time crusty confection that only my grandmother eats
Jimmy: Oatmeal Cookie: Lots goin on, a good option but not necessarily a favorite
Summer: Cupcake-Sweet , soft and a number one seller
Seth: Challah..at yo boy
Theresa: Chorro-seems tasty but just hollow on the inside
Haley; Donut Hole; interesting but not something you really cave all the time
Anna: Rainbow sprinkled donut; a little bit a spunk, fun and sweetness
Marissa: Croissant: Flakey, dry and leaves your hands all messy in the end

Hope you are working up an appetite b/c next season will be served up before you know i…stay tuned and the hostess will be right with you.