If You Want Me, You Can Have Me

So this is it, the week we have been waiting for. The event that millions have been anxiously awaiting. The spectacle that will go down as a banner moment in history. If you were thinking “Oh, J-Unit’s birthday”, you were close, but wrong. I am of course talking about The OC and the kiss that was absolutely not a ratings stunt timed for sweeps. Why is everybody making a big deal of it, especially considering the writers have already unintentionally (or at least that’s what they say) injected untold levels of homoeroticism into the relationship of a completely different pair of characters? The buzz around Alex and Marissa and their relationship may or may not have helped the show in ratings, but I do know that the writers are running out of tricks to get this show off the ground once again.Our good friend Sandy has a slight problem. See, he neglected to mention to his wife that he was harboring a fugitive. The fact that said fugitive was probably actually the first person in line for the “Let’s Make a Seth Cohen Sweepstakes”, really doesn’t help matters at all. It also doesn’t help that the writers for some reason decided that they must mess around with the dynamic of the relationship that has held everything in The OC together more than anything else. I am not saying that I have a better understanding of the show than its own writers, and it’s not like they are in danger of winning an Emmy, but is it possible to get some elements of the show that make sense?

Valentine’s Day is a banner day in the OC. Kirsten *really* loves the holiday, so it is no wonder that Sandy is using that knowledge in order to win her favor once more. We find him in the kitchen the day before Valentine’s day loading the kitchen up with flowers. Lots of flowers. So many flowers that he asks for help from Seth and Ryan to get them out of his car. The boys never think to ask why Sandy didn’t have these flowers delivered and comply. Nonetheless, Kirsten is not very happy. Sandy tries to do the whole attorney-client privilege thing, but I think you have to side with the wife on this one.

Even though I think Kirsten shouldn’t be as paranoid about Rebecca’s return; she has been married to Sandy for twenty years. Hiding Rebecca’s appearance (which has been good for nothing more than bringing back that awful hairstyle Summer ditched two episodes into the season), no matter what Sandy thought the ramifications were, was a big mistake. As punishment, Kirsten took some of Sandy’s roses and stuffed them in the garbage disposal. The roses were a much better attempt at reconciliation than the pancake madness Ryan and Seth tried to pull a few weeks back, but ended up having just about the same level of effectiveness.

Valentine’s Day also marks an important one-year anniversary in the OC calendar. It was during Valentine’s Day last year that Seth and Summer really started to get things going. This fact is not lost on Seth, and so he goes over to Summer’s a few minutes before the two of them and Zach are to head to San Diego for their big comic book pitch. Although I didn’t make a big deal of it, the “nose graze” from last week created quite a stir. Summer talked about it with Marissa then, during one of Marissa’s brief “I’m more than just a sideshow” phases, and Seth went on about it at length with Ryan. Seth took the nose graze to be one of the most erotic scenes in recent memory. He acted as if he and Summer were a few moments away from a pretty good impersonation of Nine 1/2 weeks. Seth is supposed to be this character that is so head over heels for Summer that he routinely climbs various concession vehicles in order to proclaim his love, yet can’t manage to find it in him to say anything when nobody is around. Why does this happen? Mainly because they need to delay this story line because it is currently the longest running theme for the season,

Thankfully, Zach enters the room before we are left agonizing over how long it is going to take Seth to admit to everybody that he is not over Summer. I know that the return of Seth and Summer would be a big deal to many people out there, but how long do we have to endure this before we move on? I know that Seth and Alex aren’t allowed to be an item anymore, but was it worth it to have Marissa go lesbian when it also means Seth reverts to complaining about how much Summer doesn’t want him? I don’t think so.

Ryan is a little more comfortable relaying his true feelings to his significant other. He and Lindsay were supposed to be on a break because she wanted to get to know Caleb better and he didn’t want to get in the way. But we all know that there is very little chance that Ryan was just going to let her go and miss out on a perfect chance to be self-righteous about his relationship with Lindsay. He goes to her and says he still wants to take her out for Valentine’s Day. She agrees but only on one condition – she wants to know more about that whole “getting a teenager pregnant” thing that Caleb said last week. Yes, by now you have already figured out that I wasn’t being entirely truthful. That scene never happened. I am not interested in this whole Ryan vs. Caleb pissing match, but I really have to give props to Caleb for mentioning the pregnancy, although nobody has said a word about it since. You would think that Lindsay, seemingly next in line to get a little love motion from Ryan, would ask what the whole deal with that is. Or maybe she is on the pill and just doesn’t care. Either way, it’s a huge oversight. There are certain things you don’t want to hear from somebody only after you have slept with them. Things like “Did I tell you I knocked a girl up once?” or “I think my Herpes is in remission” and the ever popular “It goes away after three days.”

No, Lindsay actually asked Ryan to apologize to Caleb. She wants things to be better between the two of them (Ryan and Lindsay) so things have to be better with the two of them (Ryan and Caleb). If I were Lindsay, I would take one look at my big sister and be happy that Caleb hates my current love interest. It seems to be half the battle to a great marriage. Ironically, as Caleb is wheeling out of the hospital, Kirsten is telling him that if he wants to make things good with Lindsay, he should apologize to Ryan. The OC simply loves two parallel players in the same story line on a collision course to a witty resolution towards the last part of the episode. But there has to be something else they can throw into this situation to make it a little more confusing.

Enter JULIE COOPER.

Yes, that Julie Cooper. She was partying all over Europe doing research for the new magazine. I think she was scoping out Swiss Banks so she could stash the money she plans to embezzle from Caleb in later episodes. Julie returns to her house to find Caleb on the back patio with “Mad Libs: Go for Baroque” in one hand, and a pencil in the other. She had heard of Caleb’s illness and decided that it would be very nice of her if she decided to, you know, be at her husband’s side in a time of need.

Julie spends the first part of her time back lamenting about Lindsay’s presence. We all know that Julie is a huge bitch, but why must she complain so much about a father wanting to reunite with one of his children? Doesn’t Julie have enough problems with her own daughter? Why does she insist on messing with somebody else’s daughter?

I have to give some props to Sandy, because he finally realized that his marriage of twenty years might be a little more important than saving a federal fugitive who’s claims of innocence are still kind of tenuous. I mean, sure she says she didn’t do it, but maybe she is just saying what her father wants her to hear. He is on his death bed. Wouldn’t it make what little time he has left a little more bearable knowing that his daughter was not a murderer? Sandy tells Rebecca that he can’t defend her anymore, and checks her into a hotel so she is not crashing in his office any more. When he tells his Kirsten, she doesn’t hide the fact that she is happy her husband chose not to help this woman. Now the only thing left for Sandy is to tell his mentor that he is not going to spend any more time trying to free his daughter.

What kind of sucky mentor is Max anyway? Mentoring is not about gathering favors from young people so you can cash in on them when they are needed a little bit down the way. Sandy tries to explain it to Max so he meets him at the pier and decides to leave for a minute to get more food. And we all know what happens when two characters like this are all of a sudden separated to get food, leaving one of the people dangerously close to the ocean. When it happened with Ryan and Lindsay, Lindsay fake-drowned. When it happened to Max and Sandy, Max died.

Whoa, that’s some pretty fast cancer you got there my friend. I know it can spread like crazy, but Dead in Sixty Seconds is a whole new level of effectiveness. Even Ebola takes longer. Actually, Max had a stroke and died. Depending on how you look at it, he had either the worst luck (cancer *and* a stroke, that’s tough to take, for any person) or the best luck (thank god I don’t have to die the slow, painful death of chemotherapy, plus they bury me with a full head of hair). Either way, we can stick a fork in him, and no matter how abrupt people might think his death was, it was much better than trying to live with his suckiness for any extended length of time.

The trip to San Diego didn’t go so well early on. Sure, they go to their “comic book” offices (which I can neither confirm nor deny were actually the offices for McG’s production company). When they get there, they learn that the person they are supposed to be meeting is going to be delayed on a flight from Japan. I guess that goes to show you that you shouldn’t book your meetings on a Sunday. I mean, honestly, are we supposed to believe that this comic book office has people working on Sundays, including what appears to be a full-time receptionist? There is no type of business in the world that takes more days off than the entertainment industry (as long as you’re not an assistant), including banks and post offices.

While the day started off pretty bad for our comic book crew, it only got much worse. No, it wasn’t the idea that they had this awesome suite in a posh hotel. Somebody made the mistake of putting Seth in an adjoining room to Summer and Zach. What’s even stranger, Seth was acting like the sleeping arrangements were still up in the air, like he was going to end up in the same bed with Summer (or possible Zach). OK, I know you want your girlfriend back, but use some kind of stinking etiquette. It’s assumed the couple are going to take the bed, and you sleep on your own in the side room. There could be worse things than a Cal-King all to yourself. And you don’t win your hot ex-girlfriend back by becoming the most annoying bastard on the planet.

For Seth, there is something much, much, worse, and that’s the prospect of Zach and Summer alone in a bed by themselves. In fact, he tries to get them to stay up late and watch movies. If the thought of Van Helsing wasn’t scary enough for you, Seth was able to further dampen the mood by sitting smack in the middle of Zach and Summer on their bed. Hey, it worked for Summer when she tried the same trick on Anna and Seth last year, why shouldn’t he at least give it a whirl this year. Well, because Summer mastered the trick, and soon kicked him out. Seth was left to listen the sounds of Zach and Summer getting it on all night long, except we know that they aren’t so, it shouldn’t be that much of a deal.

Well, we knew that Zach and Summer don’t really do much banging, or at all, but it didn’t help Seth sleep at all. Compounding his problem is that he recently just learned of Zach’s plan to take Summer to a wedding in Italy and hiking in Tuscany. (I would just like to say that there are much easier ways to get laid in high school. It’s a little known technique I like to call “Mad Dog 20/20″.)He got all of fifteen minutes of sleep, and although he has been stunting his growth with coffee in the mornings for awhile now, even Seth is affected by coffee, especially when it has three shots of espresso in it. You just can’t help but wonder what kind of things will come flying out of Seth’s mouth when the ever so useful brain<--> mouth filter is not working properly.

The three go in for their pitch, and although they had decided that Zach would kind of be the presenter and the other two would chime in, Seth starts the ball rolling, and within thirty seconds is spouting one nonsensical sentence after another. He even manages to insert a love story into the comic where there never was before. The way he is describing the love story in the comic, it is quickly obvious that he is talking about himself and Summer. Summer and Zach are looking around wondering what the hell is going on, but they aren’t nearly as cofused as the comic book executive, who has a look on his face like “Hmm, I guess that whole let some High School kids make a comic idea didn’t work. I hope those homeless guys still have some ideas”.

Back at the hotel, Seth finds Summer alone once again. You know he wants to explain what the hell went on, but it is quite obvious what the deal was – he is not over Summer. Summer finally asks him if there is anything on his mind, and he should say it if there was. With no Oscar Meyer stand or Weinerschnitzel kiosk to give him courage, Seth lets the opportunity pass. For his punishment, he decides to take the bus back to Orange County. I’m not sure why the comic book makers thought it was so necessary to give them a hotel when they were 90 minutes from home, but it finally gives Zach and Summer some time alone.

Finally! There can be no more excuses. If Zach can continue to remain flaccid when he knows that Seth is rapidly traveling towards Newport and that he won’t even have to clean the sheets in the morning, we know that something is wrong. Before they get started, Zach tells Summer he wants to tell her something. At this point I am thinking it can be only A) I’m a virgin and I’m scared or B) I’m gay, and you’ve been my beard. But maybe it is something minor like C) Because of a freakish tractor incident, I only have one testicle. But we’ll have to wait until next episode, because Seth called Summer’s phone, interrupted the moment, and we never got to listen to the rest of what Zach had to say.

Everything Seth can’t do, Ryan can do better. Witness his attempt at getting past the man blocking his way towards his girlfriend. Ryan’s apology was a disaster, but he had a great idea. Why doesn’t he face off in a duel for the hand of his beloved? Motivated by Lindsay’s extra-busty appearance that evening, Ryan confidently challenged Caleb to….a game of pool? Well, I guess there isn’t that much to be gained for beating to death a person who had just been released from the hospital for a heart attack. But still, at least pick something a little more original, or at least something you know that the old man sucks at. Perhaps fooseball or air hockey? Eventually, Ryan beats Caleb to a game of pool, but not before they traded some comments about their pool games and taste in women. The game wasn’t quite a binding contract, and so you know that Caleb isn’t going to care about the outcome, which made it’s entire presence sort of questionable.

Caleb *was* willing to concede at least a Valentine’s date for Ryan, and even offered to pay. But Ryan didn’t really want to take Lindsay out that night, he just wanted to prove a point. There is no better way to prove a point than win a contest over somebody, and the concede your victory prize. Caleb didn’t understand, and I can almost say it looked like his heart grew three sizes that day, but maybe it was just gas. What did Ryan do with the rest of his evening? Well, he went to the diner to be there for Seth in his time of need, and they spent the rest of the episode together on the pier looking very, very ambiguously gay.

Sandy and Kirsten were all set to go to their favorite restaurant, Arches, for a nice Valentine’s dinner. That was until Sandy got a phone call from Rebecca stating that she was going to flee once again. With her dad dead, there was really no need for her to stick around anymore, but she does want Sandy to say goodbye in person. Sandy, who had shown such good judgment in getting rid of Rebecca in the first place, can’t help but leave. Now if that wasn’t stupid enough, during the whole goodbye segment, Sandy decides to plant a kiss on Rebecca. No, it wasn’t like they were using tongue, but it wasn’t a quick peck on the cheek either.

What in the hell has possessed this man? Sure Rebecca used to be the love of his life, but she left the country. He genuinely loves his wife, but somehow doesn’t realize that all that time they have spent together is more important than a relationship with Rebecca that is going nowhere. It’s also quite the 180 turn for Sandy, who was so indignant about the kiss between Jimmy and Kirsten. To top it off, he tells Rebecca he will find her a lawyer and she should stay. OK, maybe his life with Kirsten hasn’t been complete marital bliss, but hasn’t the last week or so with Rebecca hanging around given him an idea of how til death do us part is going to be with her? Why does he even wonder why Kirsten closes the door in his face when he returns home? Rebecca seems to mean nothing more than “miserable life” from where I’m standing.

We aren’t quite finished with the Valentine’s day dinners in the OC. Julie Cooper has been out of the loop for a long time, so she has to kind of jump in and get people to start hating her pretty quickly. Mission accomplished. She threatens to take away Marissa’s cell phone unless her daughter goes to dinner with her. Marissa obliges, and she goes on to talk about how she isn’t sure exactly how long she and Caleb are going to last. Let’s be honest, the biggest shock in that marriage was that the writers hadn’t nullified it yet. While Julie Drones on and on about how great the magazine is going to be for her life once she is independent, Marissa uses a little trick that she learned from Alex. Although she didn’t finish high school, Alex must have slept with a lot of psychology text books, because she explains how you can avoid conflice with somebody, and still seem interested.

Now, we all know that Marissa wants to learn a few other things from dear old Alex. She had previously said that she didn’t believe in first dates on Valentine’s Day, considering them bad luck, but Alex decides to break that tradition and be spontaneous. They decide to go to the ocean, because the tides are changing, and it’s the perfect place to go when you want to take your life in a new direction. I would like to say that I was dying in anticipation for this scene to happen, but I was still wondering how in the hell they could have had so many lame resolutions in one episode.

Why should I care about the ocean? When you think about it, it’s the perfect place for these two to be together. Marissa can show Alex all of the places she uses to drink herself into a stupor, and Alex can show Marissa the finer elements of muff diving. It didn’t get quite that serious on this evening. Marissa and Alex shared a, um, tender kiss, just as the waves were rolling in. As a ratings grab goes, you would have think they would have tried and placed this at the end of a stronger episode, but I guess they would have been waiting for a long time.

As we promised, here is the big moment. We here at TVgasm are determined to keep you updated from now until the Easter fisting special. As kisses go, you have to admit, it isn’t that bad. I mean, Mischa Barton looks awkward, but that is to be expected. She would be awkward pouring a bowl of Cheerios. Then again, I have to admit the girls looked hotter last week picking up beer bottles in their boyshorts. Mischa Barton is already a girl-on-girl veteran, so you think that this kiss would have had at least a little more spark. All that is left now is to see how long it takes Mr. Schwartz and crew to kill off this relationship as well, not to mention the more important question. Will Julie Cooper be having sex with another one of Marissa’s exes?

You can’t stop them, you can only hope to contain them (preferably on DVD with multiple angles). Remember for your hot lesbian Mischa Barton OC kiss action, the place is TVgasm:

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Did Marissa and Alex kiss seem hot, or not so much? Leave a comment below.

“Hey!” Count: Episode – 5, Season Total – 133