Kirsten is a Wreck

So, it’s time for Part II of my special OC double feature. When we last left the folks from Newport, just about everybody was cheatin’ on everybody else. Seth cheated on Summer, Summer cheated on Seth. Kirsten cheated on Sandy, but only because she suspected Sandy had cheated on her before. Julie cheated on Caleb with Lance(well, kissed him at least), but we knew that was coming because she cheated on him before with Jimmy. A good part of this entire season was devoted to the aftermath of Caleb cheating on his wife many years ago. Marissa didn’t really cheat on anybody, but her whole relationship with Ryan started when she was cheating on Luke. Ryan would cheat on people, but his vagina is too shallow and won’t allow it. Oh, and did I mention Kirsten is now officially an alcoholic and Trey tried to force some sex on Marissa? We have a lot to take care of with three episodes left.When I saw that Kirsten pulled the vodka bottle out of the freezer (which is a magical, no condensation freezer so the bottle isn’t frosted like the bottles, yes plural, in my freezer), I thought that in typical OC fashion, the whole thing would be over within three episodes. First we would see Kirsten drinking all the time, then there would be an episode where Sandy catches on and gets worried, and finally we would see the consequences in the third episode where she probably crashes into something. In even more typical OC fashion, they didn’t even wait that long, at least for the first part.

Kirsten is in the kitchen, depressed, making herself a bloody mary with some V8. The problem is that this bloody mary is about 90% vodka with a dash of tomato juice. Sandy comes in, and she tries to hide it from him, saying she just wanted some tomato juice. Seth and Ryan come in, and they are discussing what Seth should say to Summer about the whole, “I performed oral on a girl on national TV” thing. Sandy says he should tell the truth because you start to get in trouble when you hide things. Suddenly, Kirsten has a guilty look on her face, and she should, since she is hiding both having kissed another man and binge drinking from her husband. As she leaves, she leaves her glass in the sink, which Sandy just happens to see. Is she looking to get caught? She was so careful hiding the bottle, you would think she would be smart enough to pour the glass down the drain, or at least finish the drink. There is no reason for Sandy to find it other than they are trying to cram the whole progression of her disease down our throats in one episode. They wouldn’t do that now, would they?

Marissa is also trying to hide the effects of her problem, which really isn’t even her problem at all. Trey read her friendship signals and with a help of some cocaine thought those feelings translated into some sort of sexual attraction. He tried to force himself upon her, and she had to literally beat him off with a stick. Trey wants to blame it on the drugs and for Marissa to forgive him, but it’s not so easy for her. She was assaulted and it’s not just something that you let go. It’s really one of worst scenarios because Marissa has nobody to turn to, then again maybe she doesn’t know where to get help. Now I think Trey is truly sorry for what he did, but he can’t think that simply acting like it didn’t happen will make it go away.

At school, Marissa can barely talk to Ryan. She is not only trying to hid the mark Trey left on her when he roughed her up in the sand, but somehow has to deal with knowing that the person who did that two her was the brother of perhaps the only person she has ever, really, truly loved. As messed up as all of that is, there is even more complications to deal with. Jess believes, or is at least pretending to believe, that she has a future with Trey. She gets to have a taste of danger, and he gets to have a piece of some barely legal ass. Jess is quite unhappy with how much attention Trey is giving to Marissa, even though Marissa won’t give him the time of day. Since she can’t get Trey to listen to her, Jess begins to make some moves on Ryan, perhaps looking to start a sibling rivalry. Ryan wants nothing to do with her, but Jess is determined and already we can see she’ll go to great lengths to keep Trey to herself, or at the very least keep Marissa out of their lives.

Trey does finally corner Marissa near her car outside of school the next day. For somebody that is desperate to apologize, he is really going about it the wrong way. Again he tries to tell her he was out of his mind. Marissa turns to leave, and he grabs her arm. More would have happened, but Ryan comes in at the last minute. The other two act like nothing has happened, and make up some excuses to leave before much of anything else can be said.

Seth and Summer had a very uncomfortable reunion at school as well. Seth took his dad’s advice and went to tell her the whole thing. She said that she knew about the whole thing, and she didn’t seem that upset. In fact, it look like she was mostly pissed because she had taken the time to start another relationship with Seth, and she thought it was going to be different, but she was wrong. He was always going to find some Coheny Cohenism to upset her all over again. Seth seemed like he was prepared for anything she was going to tell him, except for the words that actually came out of her mouth. Summer told Seth she had kissed Zach, and she just doesn’t know what is going happen. Listen, I know that Seth is a funny guy and so very indie and yada, yada, yada, but there is a certain point where you stop believing his scrawny ass could score such great tail, and there is another point where you look at what he does to ruin the relationship with the girl of his dreams, and you just don’t care how he deals with it anymore.

Zach has his own issues with the kiss. It’s become obvious that he was trying to win her back, but he wants to know if the kiss they shared was revenge, or if there was something more going on. Summer admits that it was a little bit of both, but she really just wants to be left alone and not deal with things right now. Seth sees the two of them talking, and interrupts, intent on making sure Zach, who he know sees is a traitor doesn’t get to take advantage of that little incident in Miami to get closer to Summer. Just as things get heated, Zach pulls out the ultimate trump card. He cares about Summer so much, he’s going to quit the comic book! It’s something that Seth should have done all along. We find out alter that Zach is under contract, and Reed isn’t going to so kind as to let him out of it, but the thought that he would give it all up still impresses Summer.

When Summer leaves, we see a little nasty side of Zach. Maybe his incredibly cool, incredibly nice demeanor was really all an act? He reminds Seth that it is going to take “more than quick quips and pulp culture laden bromides to win the hear of Ms. Vixen”. Zach also reminds Seth that he is a water polo player, and water polo players are never nice. Finally! Somebody with some edge in this damned town! After he let himself get stepped on so often, I thought Zach was completely without a spine. Still, it would be more believable if he just kicked Seth’s ass, or had one of his teammates do it.

Kirsten, meanwhile, is still drinking herself silly, or at least drinking herself passed out. When she finally got to the office the first day after Carter left, she learns that he had bought her a present, a gold necklace with a charm. Again, we assume that there was some connection there, and it appears that it is the most wonderful gift she has ever received. She wears it the next day, and Sandy immediately notices it, and wonders if it is new. She is clearly deceptive, and also a little upset when she notices Sandy had finished the tomato juice, meaning her bloody mary would no be straight vodka with ice. Then again, maybe straight vodka was the perfect thing to keep her happy.

Kirsten gets home, calls Carter, and gets his voicemail. Maybe she sobered up at work, because she decides that it is wrong during the middle of her message and ends with the never popular “don’t call me back”. This just leads her to drink even more, and Sandy finds her that night, lying in the couch passed out from all the booze. The next day, Sandy makes her breakfast in bed, and also tries to relay his concerns about how much she is drinking. She is in denial, no surprise, and says she will cut back eventually. As crazy at it sounds that Kirsten is going to cut back on the drinking, anything is possible. They say even the cookie monster isn’t going to be so careless with his meals, so maybe KiKi will be able to last on only a couple of bottles a day.

Ryan is not completely convinced that nothing is wrong with Marissa, so he goes to the Bait Shop to ask his brother if anything strange happened. After all, he was with her most of the whole weekend. Trey is defensive, and very nervous, and says he has to get back to work. Ryan is suspecting something, but not telling us. Then, out of nowhere, Jess shows up by the Bait Shop as well. She just had to see Ryan and tell him all about her sexual fantasies, like having two brothers at once. We know Ryan isn’t too kinky, the shallow vagina almost prohibits it, but when she says that she is not the only person into brothers, he can’t help but wonder what the hell is going on. I also have to chime in here. OK, so Trey has those rugged good looks, but why are we supposed to believe that Jess wants to be on his dick all day? What kind of exchange is that “Hey Trey, I’ll provide the drugs and let you have sex with me all day, all you have to do is have sex with me all day. Oh, and please treat me like shit and tell me you aren’t interested in a relationship. I’ll always come back for more” What the hell is that?

Seth was able to get back at Zach with the help of the comic book club. He had them report on the whereabouts of Zach and Summer, and he accidentally bumps into them long enough to tell Summer that Zach can’t leave the book club because of his contract. This probably wouldn’t have pissed Summer off so much if Zach had told her right away. She thought she was getting something different from Zach, but it turns out his lies are getting to be like Seth’s. Summer does take some time to evaluate the situation, and she comes to the realization that perhaps it’s not her boys that are the problem. As the saying goes, behind every strong man, there is a woman. And the woman behind both of her men goes by the name of Reed.

Summer heads down to the local comic book shop. Reed is busy preparing the launch of the graphic novel. Summer really wants to reign down some mighty vengeance, Loki style, but Reed begins to manipulate her as well. The guys may make the comics, but there is one person who has the face to sell the comics, and that is Ms. Vixen. Although she sees right through Reed’s transparent attempt at some influence, Summer likes what she hears. This graphic novel has caused her all of this trouble, why can’t she get anything out of it?

At the opening, Seth is doing his best to completely bore the audience, describing the whole novel frame by frame. He and Zach have a petty little fight over a water bottle, but Reed really knows that will bring the crowd to their feet and that is Ms. Vixen all dressed up in stretch vinyl ready to whip anybody into shape (literally, she actually has a whip). The guys see Summer, and realize what they have been missing. During Summer’s time signing autograph’s Seth is able to pull her away and gets on his hands and knees to say how much he loves her. Zach catches him, and they begin to fight. As hard as it is for me to believe that Seth can get any hot girl he wants, it is even more laughable to imagine Seth actually winning a fight, but he actually holds his own against the tough water polo player. In the tussle, Summer gets hit in the face, so she cracks the whip to stop the fight. The guys want her to decide who she wants to be with, but unlike Average Joe, she isn’t just going to take the hot one without any thought. She says she wants neither of them. To show them what they missed, I hope she bangs like half the school or makes her own porno. That would teach them for neglecting her hot body for so long.

Returning to the Cohen house, Kirsten is still dealing with the Carter issues, and then there is this whole thing with Sandy and the drinking. Out of nowhere, Julie Cooper-Nichol comes over to get a little advice. Kirsten makes her a pretty stiff screwdriver, and she begins to go on about her sex life with Caleb, which at this point in non-existant. Although they said they would try to work it out, Caleb hasn’t exactly been friendly. Julie tried to make eggs benedict, but Caleb laughs at the thought of her making him that when he has a heart condition. He obviously isn’t interested in her in bed, so what is left for this relationship? Not a whole lot I would have to say.

What Julie doesn’t know is that Caleb received the pictures of her with Lance. If there was anything that would convince Caleb to give it up after all that happened, that photo evidence was proof. Caleb being Caleb, he comes up with the most cowardly way to dump her. Invite her to dinner at a fancy restaurant and have her served with divorce papers. Julie storms into Caleb’s office, and wonders why the hell he is divorcing her. He shows her the pictures, but she threatens to take him down in any way possible. We then get the bombshell of all bombshells. Caleb had hinted that he knew more about Julie than a lot of people were led to believe during the time he was paying off Lance. It turns out she had been followed for a while, even before they were married. Caleb knows about Luke and Jimmy Cooper too. And I know it won’t happen, but just imagine how funny it would be having Julie Cooper working for a living. the writers could get what, 2 or 3 episodes with that story line? Maybe a substitute teacher who works as an escort at night? Whatever is going to happen in the future, Caleb says she has a week to move out of his house.

When Sandy gets back, he finally asks Kirsten straight up what the deal is with her. He cuts straight to the chase and asks if she was upset about Carter, and then asks if they were having an affair. Kirsten, of course, counters with the whole Rebecca scenario. I had been on Kirsten’s side during the Rebecca thing, but right now I don’t know. Having an affair to get back at your spouse isn’t that great of an excuse. Just because a person drinks a lot of wine doesn’t mean he is going to be an animal in bed. I think Sandy handled it quite well, but Kristen leaves upset anyway.

A little while later, Sandy runs into Ryan. By now they are way too late to make it to Seth’s comic book opening, and they both can’t locate their women. Not too long before, Ryan thought everything was alright. Marissa came into the pool house and started making out with Ryan right away. It looked like they were getting back into the groove of things, but whenever Marissa looked up, all she could see was Trey’s face. Whenever she closed her eyes, all she could remember was Trey holding her down on the ground. She pushes Ryan off, and leaves.

Ryan gave the situation some thought, and then decided to he had to see her to find out what was wrong. By the time he gets to her house, he is only the second Atwood that decided to pay Marissa a visit. Trey comes into her room while she is crying to herself. He says if she won’t forgive him, she better not try tell anything to Ryan and only leaves when Marissa threatens to call the police. Ryan is at the back entrance and sees that Trey is leaving. We don’t see anything else, but we know that things are starting to click. Marissa spent the weekend with Trey, and now she doesn’t want to talk to Ryan. She is even scared to touch him. Whenever he sees either of them, they are both in denial that anything happened. And then you have Jess saying that Marissa likes brothers. We obviously know the scenario he is building in his head is not true.

Judging by past OC episodes, Ryan will blow up at Marissa, will later find the truth and feel bad about it, and then try and kick his brother’s ass/send him back to jail. You can bet that there will be a seen where Ryan points his finger at Trey, pauses for a moment, and then yells “I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU” or “I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!”

This episode has been kind of a downer, but it soon takes a turn for the better. Sandy had been searching for Kirsten, but couldn’t find her. He is driving around Newport, but she is at a bar drinking herself silly. She has been drinking martinis, and orders one more from the bartender. Instead of drinking it though, she places her necklace next to the full glass. Sort of like when your dog died and you buried his favorite chew toy with him, it gives you a little closure. She gets in her car and calls Sandy to tell him she is sorry. After everything with Carter, she says she was confused. She didn’t know what was going to happen, and she thought he was going to lose her. At least somebody is getting back together this episode, right?

Uh, not quite.

Sandy tells Kirsten to pull over so he can come get her. He knows that she is drunk and wants to make sure she is safe. Kirsten is not only driving drunk, but she is on the cell phone. She drops it, and when she reaches to pick it up, she doesn’t see the light change to red ahead of her. She stops just before she is about to run into another car. After her close call, she is so relieved, but she is in the middle of the intersection, and some people didn’t have time to stop. There weren’t many people on the road, but there was a garbage truck, and it hit her car squarely on the passenger side. Her SUV flips over, and we have no idea how seriously she is hurt.

Well, the OC has now had two seasons where they had a drunken crash following a breakup. First it was Luke after Julie, and now it is Kirsten after Carter. They weren’t really a couple, but they still broke up. We all know that she isn’t going to die. I kind of wish that they extended her problem for a few more episodes. There was no rule that said she couldn’t have been an alcoholic when Carter was still around. Still, it looks like they wanted to end the season on the cliffhangers of what Julie Cooper will do to save her money and her status, and what Ryan will do when he learns his brother tried to rape his girlfriend.

“Hey!” Count: Episode – 20, Season Total – 296 [Thanks for the reminder Bones]