Plan Your Freak Out Accordingly

The reviews are in. The OC demonstrated what some are considering perhaps the least passionate lesbian kiss in the history of lesbian kiss ratings stunts. I’m not quite sure what to say. I’m not exactly an expert on budding lesbian relationships, but I could understand why Marissa might not have looked as comfortable during her first kiss with another girl. She is just not experienced. Some people argue that is the wooden Mischa Barton that is to blame for the awkwardness of the kiss, and maybe that’s so. I guess we’ll just have to have some more scenes in the future before we can figure that out. In the meantime, we still have some other story lines worth following.I am starting to begin believing that this entire second season has been a disaster. If you are content with an episode that features the tragic love of Seth and Summer and don’t care about the rest, you must be quite happy. The breakfast banter this episode centers around Seth. Poor guy hasn’t been able to sleep or eat since San Diego, instead spending his time obsessing about what Summer and Zach might have done while they were in bed alone together. Some people think that Seth obsessing over every little detail about Summer and Zach’s relationship is a sign that he is not over her and they hold out hope that they will get back together. Does it bother anybody else that Seth has turned into a creepy near-stalker in the process? If this was how he acts after he has already had Summer (and ruined that relationship by crying over the departure of his hetero – we think – lifemate Ryan), I can only imagine how sucky he must have been when he was obsessing about her from a distance.

Seth hasn’t showered and hasn’t eaten and his mom, who we affectionately call “Ryan” these days, tells him he must eat and he must shower so he can go to school. Going to school is actually a good idea, because that way Seth can just ask Summer if she had sex instead of trying to forget about the idea by watching Hellboy and the Matrixes (or is that Matrices?). Momma Ryan once again stops him, telling him that is weird and creepy, so Seth gets the great idea that it would be a good idea to ask Zach. I also think this would be a great idea, because it would give Zach a chance to punch Seth in the face for even asking the question.

Well, the moment comes when Seth finds some time to ask Zach what they did in San Diego. There are lots of things to do you know, like Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, not to mention Legoland for you geeks out there. But did they have sex? Zach basically says it is none of his business, which is true, but doesn’t punch him. The longer Zach and Summer are together, the longer I believe that the word “beard” fits the description of their relationship. It’s bad enough that Seth is interfering in his relationship, but he also messed up a business opportunity. If you mess with a man’s girl and a man’s money, is there any other resolution besides an aluminum bat?

Although Seth is making life around him more difficult for everybody, Lindsay could care less. Earlier in the day, Caleb had called her into his office to talk something over with her. Caleb has sort of changed his priorities since the heart attack. He is starting to think that maybe he should pay more attention to people who are they for him when he is in trouble(Kirsten, Lindsay), and not simply there for him when they need money (Julie). Therefore, he wants to formally adopt Lindsay. Julie is quite pissed at the whole thing because it would surely put a little dent in her plan to become financially independent and leave Caleb. As the second wife, you really do get Jack when it comes to splitting up the estate after death. A natural descendant like Lindsay is always entitled to more. Of course I have no idea what I am talking about, but if divorce proceedings of the rich are any indication, this is surely the case.

Is Ryan happy to hear that Lindsay is finally going to be able to say that her dad wants her in his life? Of course not. Ryan knows better. Validation from your father is not as important as say, having Julie Cooper as an enemy. Maybe he is right, but what is Julie’s best hope? Maybe to have Lindsay take a DNA test and then fake the results somehow so it looks like Lindsay is not Caleb’s daughter? Now that would be some real intrigue, and it would also be way top easy for the writers to come up with.

Julie does insist on a drug test, and even tells Lindsay’s mom about it. No big deal right? Well, it would be no big deal, except that Ms. Wheeler has no idea who the actual father is. It seems that Caleb might not have been the only one she had slept with so many years ago. She is not positive who Lindsay’s father is, but when it came to providing for her daughter, she had no problem taking Caleb’s money. After all, she never thought it would ever become an issue of Caleb actually wanting to have a relationship with her. She has a big fight with Lindsay, and so she goes to none other than Ryan to help her put an end to it. She tells Ryan the whole story, and says he must help her convince Lindsay not to take the test. Ryan tries to convince Lindsay, but she is too happy with her

Now, putting it out of your head just how fortunate it was for Julie to have this whole situation become so advantageous to her, there is a gross irony that the writers have let just hang out there that has not been lost on the readers. Namely, how in the hell does Ryan not start asking about his own paternity questions when it comes to Theresa? Hmm, a woman has a baby, doesn’t know the father, but pretends that he is the father because it will be better for the baby. It’s not like I predicted this would happen last year.

How in the hell does this not even register into his self-righteous head? Some of you may say that since Theresa said she had a miscarriage, Ryan never questioned the paternity. That’s well and good, but Theresa is now at least eight months into her pregnancy. I know that Ravi Nawat is now doing some show on CBS and that it may be difficult for her to make an appearance on our little show, unless she decided to have an abortion when she lied to Ryan about the miscarriage, she is going to be dropping that baby any day now. If the writers simply overlook this little item and simply have Theresa show up with a newborn at some later date, The OC will have officially become (even more) stupid.

It turns out that it is investigation week here on the OC. Caleb is doing a DNA test, and the Feds are visiting the Cohen’s. Special agents Shamrock[that should be Stonerock - ed.] and Tooter, besides having the least-believable FBI agent names in history right after the duo of Pineapple and Cooter, are in to ask some questions about Max’s death, and perhaps gain a little insight into Rebecca’s life. Obviously Sandy and Kirsten are still having issues about Rebecca’s presence, and Kirsten hasn’t even figured out how stupid Sandy was last week when he kissed his little Patty Hearst[thanks for the correction Jack]. The latest problem? Kirsten says that she wants to attend Max’s service because she knows that Max was important to him. There’s going to be a slight problem with that, however. You see, Rebecca is a fugitive, so the service is going to consist of Sandy and Rebecca.

So, here I am thinking “Is Sandy going to bury Max in his backyard or something?”. And surely there is somebody who might want to attend his service other than his daughter. Berkeley isn’t that far away, just throw the coffin in the back of the Rover and head up the 5. Which one of the Max’s Berkeley colleagues is going to name names or turn Rebecca in? Instead, Rebecca and Sandy decide to spread his ashes over the ocean. Now, I know that Sandy might not have been the most devout Jew with his habit of marrying shicksas and celebrating all of those gentile holidays, but couldn’t they have given the poor guy a proper burial? (My special correspondent from inside temple says that plain pine box would be vessel of choice.) And I wonder how many times people throw ashes out into the ocean from the pier. I mean, it’s not very far, all of that shit is likely to wash back onto shore. As if I needed any other reason to stay out of the Santa Monica waters.

There is more than one identity crisis in Newport. Marissa has now officially signed up for the Lilith Fair lawn seats, but just how comfortable is she to be there? The only people who know about her involvement with Alex are her and Alex, and when she tries to tell Summer the first time around, she has some difficulty. She said she had company for Valentine’s, but when Summer pressed to find out the new person in Coop’s life, Marissa said she hung with her mom. Alex had wanted Marissa to invite Summer over to a gathering she was having at her house that weekend, but Marissa instead invited Summer to Lindsay’s adoption party (yes, an adoption party).

When Marissa pops in on Alex after seeing Summer, she is surprised to find that many of Alex’s friends have already showed up. You might have called the party “The Ehteridge Treehouse” because there was definitely no boys allowed on the inside. Marissa, already feeling strange about her feelings takes one look at all of the lesbians, sort of freaks out, and tells Alex she really just wanted to stop in and say hi, but will come over after she gets done with Caleb’s party. She then gets into her Mustang, which I just realized is a convertible and is not on sale yet.

What is Seth doing about his little problem about his obsession with knowing Summer’s sex life? Well, after he asked Zach, Zach told Summer, who interrupted her not so revealing chat to drive over to Seth’s and chew him out for being a perv. When she gets there, he has progressed to tearing up all of the pictures he drew of Summer in her badass super hero form. She tells him that he has to get over it, and that he must shower, and that she didn’t have sex with Zach. She leaves, and Seth all of a sudden has found new hope. Are we supposed to believe that Seth is in love with Summer, but would all of a sudden realize it is over when Summer has sex with another guy? And isn’t it a double standard to think that if Summer sleeps with Zach, the Summer/Seth relationship is over, but Seth can be banging Alex, and it will have no impact on the future? What if it was just a blow job? Can Seth deal with that?

Anyway, Seth is very happy that he is still the only person who has had sex with Summer. He has showered, and is even feeding himself. He even apologizes to Zach, and is very confident about his chances with Summer, until Zach drops the bomb. Zach didn’t have sex with Summer because he was against premarital sex, but Seth taught him maybe he wasn’t waiting for marriage, but just the right moment. Summer was going to Tuscany with Zach for a family wedding, and he hoped that the combination of Tuscany and Summer was the perfect harmony of girl and place for him to cash in the v-card. He tells Seth all of this so he can “plan his freak out accordingly”. Instead of being happy that he stomped on his rival (and I am beginning to think they might see each other as rivals soon), Zach offers a free swing for Seth, Cohen declines, surely about to go into another downward spiral of self-pity.

The adoption party is finally here, and Lindsay cannot look any happier. She has a nice red dress on, and all of these people are soon going to hear her dad say how much he loves her. Although her mom and Ryan aren’t there (they both tried to talk her out of the adoption), Kirsten is there to lend support. It’s only a matter of time before the announcement is made. Ryan eventually shows up, and bumps into Lindsay’s mom as she is entering the house. I am not sure how many people Renee Wheeler slept with around the time she was having sex with Caleb, but was it so many that she thought the odds were that bad that Lindsay was Caleb’s daughter? She plans on crashing the party, but Ryan says that he will do it instead. God, aren’t there any adults in Newport that can do something without relying on a teenager to intervene for them?

Ryan tries to tell Lindsay not to do it, trying not to mention the whole paternity angle, but she is determined, and knows that Caleb will do the right thing. She obviously had raised her hopes a little too high, because Caleb calls her into his office, and lets her know the bad news. Julie had told him the importance of protecting himself with a paternity test, but he wanted to ask somebody with an actual heart what he should do. He asks Sandy, and he agrees it would be wise for him to protect himself, but as a father, Lindsay is only asking for love, and not money or a test. Caleb listened to his wife, and told Lindsay he wanted to postpone. Not surprisingly, she in tears, and we are given the necessary “I don’t need to take a test because my real dad would never treat me this way” line, and she runs off. Julie, who apparently was listening outside of the door, uses this as an opportunity to pimp for Newport Living magazine.

As devastated as Lindsay was, Sandy could relate. He went to take some Chinese food to Rebecca. I suppose all of the illegal immigrants making food deliveries are too likely to call the police to trust them with delivering the food to the federal fugitive. Sandy arrives, and finds that there is a note from Rebecca. After Shamrock and Tooter paid their visit, Kirsten went over to Rebecca’s and they had direct talk about Sandy. Rebecca admitted that she still loved Sandy, but that nothing happened between them. Kirsten then asked her if she really wanted to put Sandy and the family he has built over almost twenty years through what was about to happen. It looks like Rebecca decided to split. Now, although Sandy had talked to a federal prosecutor who told him that Rebecca would be looking at a lot of prison time even if she hadn’t been present for the death of the guard, he is upset with Kirsten. Even though there are plenty of people out there that might have more experience with these types of cases, he still pushes the issue. I am sure they were about to ask Ryan for advice, but Lindsay had already chased him away.

While all of this is going on outside of the Nichol house, something else is happening inside. Summer actually believed that Marissa wanted her to go to the party, so she dressed up and was totally surprised to see Marissa wasn’t at the party. While there, Summer and Marissa get to talking. Summer tells Marissa that she is not so sure about having sex with Zach. She thought that she wanted to when she was in San Diego, but is not so sure. She then realizes that Zach is a huge pussy and won’t really care anyway, so why not just trust him. This is cue for Marissa to shout “I am dating Alex”.

Summer does her best to act surprised. I mean, Summer has heard lots of things that might be more surprising come out of Marissa’s mouth like “I am dating that homeless kid from Chino” and “I am dating the yard guy” and “My mom is dating my ex-boyfriend”. “I am dating Alex” really just isn’t that surprising anymore, right? Summer assures Marissa that she is still her friend, and Marissa dances around actually using the l-word out loud, but says she is having fun and they enjoy their time together. I think it is going to be about two weeks before Summer is watching an episode of “The Valley” where the same thing happens.

Having finally told somebody, which I guess means she has sort of accepted the idea herself, Marissa goes to tell Alex. Alex was really down about the interaction earlier. They were all just about to give each other henna tattoos when Marissa spoiled the mood. She is expecting Marissa to break up with her, and when she learns that Marissa told Summer, she knows that she can stop wondering how much her Natalie Merchant Box Set will go for on eBay.

Seth decides that he finally, really, no doubt must end things with Summer. He owes it to himself to tell her in person, and so he does. He says he is over her. She says she has a new boyfriend. And nobody believes that either one of them isn’t thinking how much they really want to get back together with each other. I know that the thought of Summer and Seth getting back together is sort of like seeing Buffy and Angel back together for some people, but how many times do we have to go over this same scene in one season? Are the writers so very afraid that they aren’t going to be around for a fourth season that they have to have all of this happen right now?

The episode ends with Ryan and Seth on the couch watching Hellboy. (BTW, why is it that the Cohens apparently have only one DVD player in the house where anybody can watch movies?) Sandy joins them, and brings them the (now cold) Chinese food that he never got a chance to give to Rebecca. How original, the three guys have all messed up with their women and are now alone for the evening. If you ask me, these idiots deserve it.

“Hey!” Count: Episode – 11, Season Total – 144