Recap: The O.C.: Anybody in the Mood for Peaches???

This week with The O.C. recap I’m going to try something a little different. Since, generally speaking, a lot happens on this show, and unlike many other shows I’m interested in most of it, I’m readjusting the format of these recaps. What!?!?! Huh!?!? Who!!?!? Now don’t get yourselves all fired up. But much like life in Orange County, nothing can stay the same forever. And, fine, this might have a little something to do with me getting a new job, with actual demands, and having less time to slave over the minutiae of Summer and Seth’s banter. And, this way I’ve streamlined the process a bit, so hopefully these last 6 recaps can be delivered slightly speedier. Regardless, on with the show, as Taylor’s French husband comes to town to stir up trouble for our new favorite Super Couple.

Ryan, Taylor & The Smarmy French Dude

So in case last week’s lackluster episode made anyone question their undying affection for Taylor Townsend, she bitchslaps us with our flip-floppishness, by continuing to stalk Ryan even as they are a full-fledged couple. Yes, she actually utters the line: “Sometimes I take pictures of you when you’re not looking,” as she gives him the scrapbook early Valentine’s Day gift she made him. As Taylor leaves El Pavo Guapo, pleased with herself for being completely unable to scare Ryan away no matter how many dolls she makes from his discarded pubic hair, she notices a book in the window of the nearby bookshop: A Season for Peaches, written by Henri-Michel, Taylor’s ex-husband. It gets better. Not only has Henri-Michel written a book about Taylor (he did always love her, ahem, peaches, after all), it’s a partially fictionalized dirty sex romp. And I mean dirty. Like Britney’s vagina dirty. Next thing you know this book is all around town, and Taylor has to defend the female protagonist’s “healthy sex drive” to everyone from Summer to presumably the local clergymen. After discovering the book, Taylor does the sensible thing and tells Ryan, but pleads him not to read it. It’s nice to see someone on a teen soap come clean about something. It would’ve been super annoying to follow this plot device around for the whole episode. Ryan informs Taylor that he has never been a huge fan of Fabio novels in the first place, and can’t imagine he will be now, even if his spank bank is massively depleting.

The book has slowly but surely snuck into every facet of her life, as Ryan is hearing about it from random El Pavo Guapo patrons and even Sandy himself, who claims Kirsten is reading the book. Yeah, and I’m “holding” my sister’s Justin Timberlake CD. The lady at Best Buy didn’t believe me, and we don’t believe you Sandy. Moreover, all anyone can keep talking about is how dirty the book is. Sharon Stone’s thighs would even be embarrassed. Before things get past the point of no return, Ryan blurts out to Sandy that Taylor is peaches, and the vagina he’s been reading all about/salivating over actually belongs to her. Awkward.

After work, Ryan can’t help but pop in to the bookstore to get a look at this great new porn everyone is talking about. Of course, Henri-Michel is there, all the way from France, for a book signing. Points to Ryan for not punching him. My, how he’s grown.

Ryan has cracked and read the entirety of “A Season for Peaches”. Although the pages now completely stick together he’s having trouble taking Taylor seriously without a pinecone sticking out of her anus. Look, they said things were kinky. This leads Taylor to visit her ex and berate him for writing her into his Jenna Jameson literature fantasy. Henri-Michel is truly sorry about all this, and suggests that Ryan, Taylor and he go out to dinner to discuss things. Besides, he needs fodder for a sequel, and nothing spells success like a threesome.

At dinner, things are uncomfortable because Henri-Michel and Taylor are talking all fancy about literature and politics and Ryan used to be a steel cage fighter. Things get so bad that Ryan excuses himself rather abruptly.

Later that night, Ryan goes to Taylor’s and apologizes for being a douche. It wasn’t the sexual exploits that was bumming him out it was the smart talk. Ryan feels like he’s out of his league, but Taylor insists that she just wants Ryan to be whom he is. It seems that a famous French talk show is in town, and Taylor, a frequent guest in the past, is going to be on it with Henri-Michel this evening. Ryan thinks it’s great, and to seal the deal they recreate one of the more tawdry moments of “A Season for Peaches” involving a gerbil, Extra Virgin Olive Oil and 17 binder clips. Naughty!

At the show, Taylor is in her glory and wipes the floor with Henri-Michel. Instead of being bummed that she talks so pretty, Ryan is totally turned on by Taylor. She’s an adorable little Martian, isn’t she Ry? After the show, Henri-Michel comes over to Ryan and tells him he looks forward to talking to him about all sorts of collegiate stuff. Ryan puts two and two together, and realizes that even though Taylor told him to be himself, she made up an elaborate story about how Ryan wasn’t just a pretty face to assuage Henri-Michel. Uh uh, not cool Taylor. Ryan flees after telling Taylor that they are just too different.

As the night rages on, Ryan fantasizes about storming into the television studio and making up with Taylor via a steamy kiss. Alas, he bitches out and goes to bed instead. Meanwhile, Taylor is at the studio with Henri-Michel, getting rather cozy. Taylor hopes that Ryan will come to sweep her off her feet, but she has no such luck. She says she should leave, but Frenchy Le French asks her to stay, and Taylor obliges. Smells like trouble!

Seth & Dr. Roberts

Seth is visiting Seattle Grace (the one joke that has truly fallen flat this season), to ask Dr. Roberts for permission to marry Summer. At first Seth plays it all fast and loose and tries to be non-chalant about his feelings for Summer. This is all his plan, after all, since he knows that if Dr. Roberts says no to his request, then he’ll be off the hook with Summer. His plan, acting like a total jackass, is working like a charm. To make sure that he really drives the point home, Seth says lists everything short of “she gives good head” as he lame reasons for wanting to marry Summer. The two of them get interrupted and continue the conversation the next day.
Dr. Roberts is like putty in Seth’s sweaty little hands. He takes the bait and tells Seth that he can’t marry Summer because it’s clear he doesn’t appreciate Summer. Whoa, they’re Mr. Roberts. He might be selfish, and callow and painfully superficial, but one thing that Seth Cohen is not, is unappreciative! Of course, now that he can’t marry Summer, he HAS to marry Summer. Dr. Roberts can appreciate that, but tells Seth to get back to him when he’s graduated college and has a shot at actually supporting his daughter.

Summer, Che & The Newpsieweds

Summer, realizing that there is no way out of this whole “engagement” thing with Seth, decides to embrace her destiny. You know, kind of like in Eragon. Except, without dragons. Taylor suggests that Summer get in touch with their old “friend” Holly, who got married this summer, to see what married life in Newport is all about.

Summer takes this advice, and meets up with Holly, who is currently my favorite character on the show. She’s just so hysterically awful. Everything that she was in the Alt-world that Taylor and Ryan were trapped in during Chrismukkah, Holly has become ten-fold. I mean, these bitches call themselves the Newpsieweds. Doesn’t that make you want to cry from laughter and vomit all at the same time? Summer instantly feels out of place, but it’s funny what a few dozen bottles of Champagne will do to someone. It isn’t long before Summer is unleashing her inner Newpsie. Of course, this is where Che comes in. Okay, not actually Che, but visions of Che, that Summer is seeing as she goes deeper and deeper into Newpsie hell.

The Prada clutch that breaks the Newpsies back is when Holly tries to dye Summer’s rabbit Pancakes (or as Holly refers to him “waffles”) pink so he’ll match Summer’s bridesmaid dresses.

Summer high-tails it out of there, and gets a mysterious call from Che, who is back at school doing that thing that Locke did on Lost where he hallucinated in the steam house? Whatever, just go with it. Summer comes to the realization that she has gone through to much change to stick with engagement. This is bad news for Seth, who comes back with both news of Dr. Roberts refusal and his own reinvigoration into this whole engagement thing. He doesn’t think they should get married, but suggests they remain engaged. Oooh, sorry Seth. A day late and a latke short. Summer says no. Since she doesn’t know who she is, she can’t be with him. She basically needs to take a dip in Lake Summer, and see what she comes up with. Engagement off!

Kaitlin & Chris Brown

Yes, I realize that Chris Brown is playing a character named Will on this show, but come on now. I’m not even convinced that he can READ, none the less act. Sidenote: has anyone seen the Shortie like Mine video? Do you not cackle with laughter every time Chris Brown starts kicking and dancing like he’s having a seizure? I’m telling you: Good stuff. But again, this subplot is saved by Kaitlin, whom I love.

It’s hard for her, as she is starting to develop a crush on Chris Brown, who is supposedly a huge dork. I don’t know why Chris Brown is a dork, other than people keep saying it. It doesn’t help of course that everyone from Kaitlin’s minions to her own mother are making fun of her for it (“You think he’s dorkalicious!”). On a date, Kaitlin tries to bring out Chris Brown’s inner cool kid by having him watch COPS and offering him pot. Chris Brown thinks Kaitlin is having a whack attack and leaves. Kaitlin comes to her senses and realizes that although “Run It!” was a cheap Usher clone, it was a pretty fun song. Gimme That was even better. No, wait, she realizes that she likes Chris Brown and lets him know. Sorry, my bad.

Julie, Spence and the Wrath of Kirsten Cohen

Julie and Spence apparently did not put the whole Prostitution Ring to (wait for it… wait for it…) bed, and are using New Match as their central office. Unfortunately for the lonely rich women of Newport, Kirsten smells a rat. After giving Julie many opportunities to come clean, Kirsten hijacks her phone and sets up a sting operation where she’ll finally get to the bottom of things.

Kirsten is waiting in a hotel room, not quite knowing what to expect, when she gets a twentysomething stud ready to knock boots with her for the right price. Kirsten excuses herself (using the old standby, sex toys in the car) and heads over to New Match to give Julie the big Kirsten forehead vein of shame.

Kirsten calls Julie out, and she immediately crumbles. Julie suggests that since Kirsten knows now they can go back to normal, but Kirsten doesn’t think so. She wants Julie out of the office tomorrow!

So there we have it! Only six episodes left this season. I shed a silent, single tear.