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OK this OC intro is going to be brief because I’m wicked late with my recap, I have finals this week and I’m still recuperating from a Bar Crawl in Boston (see you use of word “wicked” above) this past weekend – let’s here it for Charity Binge Drinking!!!!… So on with it already! We start off the night with Ryan, playing the part of Ed Norton in Fight Club, as he has become an insomniac without even the Ikea catalog to keep him company. He does have Seth, however, but wouldn’t you rather some cheap Swedish furniture? No?
The next morning, there is a surprise in the form of a gussied up Taylor Townsend. It’s only 8 am but Taylor already looks like she is ready to head back to France for a night of working the streets as one of the City of Lights’ more prestigious hookers. Oh, I’m sorry, Les Hooker. It’s clear that she is using her inherent sexuality to lure Ryan into her web of neurotic hotness. This isn’t just obvious to me, it’s also obvious to Sandy’s eyebrows, as they are decidedly arched when Taylor laments on Ryan’s keen wit. That’s right, Taylor thinks Ryan is funny. She must be in L-O-V-E. True love, even. I’m talking Pam and Tommy LOVE here. Sadly, Ryan is not as quick on the uptake as Sandy’s appendages, as he doesn’t really pick up what Taylor is throwing down, when she offers him anything, and I mean anything (that one’s for you, CDB), to thank him for helping her out of her loveless French marriage. Alas, Ryan just says thanks, and takes no notice of the fact that while Taylor is making her offer she is pointing to her cooch and simulating oral sex on a breadstick. Oh Ryan!
Julie picked up more than innuendo last night, when she headed out clubbing (I knew that pesky, overly buffed Taran would be a bad influence), as she has some beefcake in bed with her. She rushes him on his way, but he still ends up having an awkward run-in with Kaitlin, who makes the same, lame “if my mother is busy being a Pirate Whore, then she has less time to pay attention to me wah wah” brave face on for Dayplayer Hunk #1 as she did with Dr. Roberts a few weeks ago. We get it, Kaitlin; you’re “bad ass.”
As the day presses on, so does Taylor, who pops by the Comic Book shop for some cock recon on Ryan. She asks Seth if Ryan is ready to start dating yet, even though Marissa’s already-skeletal corpse is still somewhat warm. Okay, maybe not warm, but it wasn’t too long ago that Ryan was playing the Brad Pitt role in Fight Club kicking ass, and taking names to deal with his “pain.” Regardless, I realize that I’m just being crabby, because we’re all over Coop, so of course I want Ryan to be. I’m such an instigator. Anyway, Seth is one step ahead of Taylor, lest we forget that in a battle of the neuroses, Seth comes in with a hot Silver to Taylor’s Gold. He nips this whole thing in the bud by immediately calling Ryan to ask him if he’s ready to jump back into the shockingly treacherous waters of Newport dating. Seriously, hardly anyone makes it out undamaged from these little trysts. At the very least, the break-up forces them to move out of town.
Ryan is perplexed by the question posed, because it wasn’t spoken in Ryan’s native language which is basically a series of grunts. Confused, scared, and I suspect a little aroused, Ryan says he isn’t sure if he’s ready yet. Seth thinks this is a good enough answer and reports back to Taylor. However, since Taylor fucking rules, she sees this is yet another obstacle and one more bullet point on her Resume. Suddenly, Taylor not only has a boy to love, but a project!
Over on the East Coast, the once charming, now somewhat grating B-story, of Summer’s metamorphosis into activism is heating up with a trip to the science lab where she and Che are setting a plan in motion where they would set free the precious little bunnies that were being experimented on in the lab. Anyone else totally freaked out by bunnies? Ever since Leonard, Part 6 where bunnies were killers I’ve found them detestable. Anya’s fear of the wascally wabbits on Buffy didn’t help either.
Back in Newport, Kaitlin is fulfilling her right of passage as a Newpsie in training by enduring Tennis lessons. She doesn’t seem to mind since her instructor, Spencer, is a hunk! Kaitlin starts putting the jailbait on him, but he has some restraint, since Kaitlin is only 15. Julie, however, is not 15! When Kaitlin’s mother enters the court, the tennis instructor takes an immediate interest. Since Julie’s behavior in the past few episodes has made Marissa’s “slut spiral” with Volchok last season start to look Puritanical, she is duly intrigued by Spencer’s attention. The day progresses, and Kaitlin is getting more and more angry as she is forced to watch and play tennis with her mother, as she is taught the art of the backhand, the complexities of getting out of double love and how to service a ball (without her teeth). It is funny, however, when Kaitlin repeatedly pelts her mother in the head with a tennis ball. The next day, Kaitlin, along with her minions (!!!), heads over to the Tennis court entice Spencer with her rockin’ body. No offense to Willa Holland, but I think Kaitlin has a little way to go before she can successfully rock a bikini. Anyway, the only thing that is rocked is Kaitlin’s world as she spies her mother and Spencer making out on the courts.
Then some stuff happens with Kirsten’s SNORE business New Match. It seems that they don’t have anyone to back up the enterprise. Umm, maybe that’s because you and Julie are never working? Just a thought. Sandy to the rescue, though, as he as just received a generous donation for the DA’s office from a guy who has come into a lot of money and needs somewhere to stick it. This southern gentleman is charmingly named Bullet. Later, Sandy convinces Bullet to meet with Kirsten and Julie about New Match. He’ll do it is Julie will be his date to the benefit that evening.
The next morning, after receiving a phone call from Taylor during another sleepless night, Ryan meets her for breakfast at the Diner. This is how she is going to repay Ryan – sleep therapy! No, that’s not a euphemism. Within seconds, Taylor has figured it all out: Ryan used to sleep every night thinking that the next day would be the day that he got Volchok; now that the unfortunate Volchok business is all wrapped up; he has no reason to wake up. Ryan is surprised by Taylor’s astute take on things, but he must have forgotten that he isn’t nearly as complicated as he’d like o think.
Taylor and Seth converge at El Pavo Guapo, where Seth is picking up a to-go order and Taylor is initiating phase two of Operation: Seduce Ryan in His Sleep. Taylor takes Ryan’s keys in order to set up his bedroom for prime sleeping conditions, but not before Seth can yell at Taylor for her oh-so-obvious tactics at getting Ryan to like her. What I love most about Taylor is how refreshingly self-aware she is, especially for a TV character. She knows she’s acting crazy, and she only fell for Ryan because he was actually nice to her. But who cares!
At Brown, Summer learns from her roommate Amber (who, I’m pretty sure is the same actress who plays one of Rory’s annoying new friends on Gilmore Girls), that the Dean is looking for her. Ruh Roh! To make matters worse, Summer has grown attached to one of the former bunny captives she and Che broke out and it’s currently living under her bed. Che and Summer meet up to formulate a strategy. Apparently, the scientist in the lab was able to pick them out on Facebook, which basically confirms that this site, along with Myspace, is the work of the Devil.
After a long day of slinging tacos, Ryan heads home only to find Taylor in his room, which is now adorned with scented candles, relaxing music and Taylor in comfy PJs. Ryan, finally, catches on and asks Taylor if she’s got the hots for him. Seriously, if this guy was any slower on the uptake, we’d have to call him Mr. President. Taylor says of course not, she’s this helpful to ALL her friends.
In the AM, Seth is shocked to find Taylor in the pool house. For a second it seems as though her plan was in deed fool proof, until we discover that Ryan again couldn’t sleep, and went for in the bowels of the morning. Taylor is stymied by her plan going awry, but thinks up a few ways to fix it. Before his head explodes, Ryan admits that he’ll be able to work this whole insomniac thing out on his own.
As Summer sits in front of the Dean board, she admits to wrong doing in the Bunny escape project (it seems the critters weren’t being tortured or tested on at all!). The Deans are warm to her plight, and don’t want to have to take any major disciplinary actions, since Summer is first time offender. Summer however, is unable to give up the name of her co-conspirator, even though this could mean expulsion from the school. Ahh, this is how they’re going to get Summer back in Newport. Totally on board!
Summer relays what happened to Che. Later on, Che 100% rats out Summer, and pins all his past Eco-Terrorist protests on her as well. Much like Summer said, Che feels he’s too important to “the movement” so he turned Summer into his sacrificial lamb, which is ironic since he is a Vegan.
Elsewhere, Taylor is pouting away while Kaitlin is getting ready for the Charity Ball. These two are becoming my new favorite pairing. Kaitlin, who is only 15, advises the 18 year old Taylor in the art of landing a man. Her advice is basically anything you can learn by watching Pretty Woman. Get dolled up, find out where he’ll be and basically whore it up. Taylor is astounded by the simplicity of this plan.
Taylor surprises Ryan at the Charity Ball in a red dress. I half expect Ryan to take out a necklace box, and close it just as Taylor reaches in for it, so she can let out a charming
cackle. Anyway, Taylor gets Ryan on the dance floor for a spin and even a joke. Is Kid Chino’s icy heart growing three sizes? Or is he just happy to see her?
Things are about to get a little convoluted, so I’m going to power through the rest of this Kaitlin/Spencer/Julie/Bullet/Kirsten plot line. Julie and the older, not so charming, oafish, Bullet,
are hitting it off on a business sense. That is until Kaitlin shows up with Spencer, who happens to be Bullet’s son. It seems that all Kaitlin was trying to do was make Julie jealous, but it seems she put New Match in jeopardy, as Bullet, Sr. calls off the whole deal. Later on, Kaitlin talks Bullet back into investing in New Match, with a speech that isn’t all the convincing, involving her mother’s wild-card status around town. It sends well for all involved, as New Match found its silent partner, and Kaitlin makes Julie come to terms with her whole Slutty Mom behavior of late.
It seems that Seth has come around to the idea of Ryan and Taylor as a couple, and is trying to convince Ryan of such, until Ryan finally proclaims: “Dude, just forget about it, okay? I’m not going to date Taylor!” Yikes. To make matters even worse, and to, perhaps remind me that this is actually a television show, Taylor is standing in unfortunate close proximity to Ryan when this bombshell is dropped. Hearts. Are. Broken.
Since Taylor is now officially an unstable damsel in distress, Ryan chases after her, with renewed interest. Taylor, in typical Taylor fashion, makes a case for the two of them as a couple, telling Ryan to just give love a chance. But Taylor knows Ryan too well, as before he’s able to give her the Vulcan Death Grip of rejections, I like you as a friend, she storms off. Ryan is impressed by how easily Taylor reads him, but Dude, its Taylor Townsend.
When Seth gets home from the Ball, Taylor is sitting in his room. I love that she has like a skeleton key to every room in every house in Newport. She has some tea for Ryan, but doesn’t want to give it to him since their relationship as sleep therapist/patient-stalker/stalkee is officially over. Seth is disappointed that Taylor gave up on Ryan so easily, and although she knows he’s trying to “Jedi mind trick” her into continuing her pursuit of Ryan, it works like a charm. She grabs the tea, and heads back down to the pool house. Now I don’t want to call Taylor a stalker OR a date rapist, but man she is walking a fine line in between both. If I was Ryan, I wouldn’t take a sip of that tea. I’m just saying…
Taylor drops off the tea, and Ryan takes this opportunity to reject her once again, but this time with lots of compliments, as well. Taylor is reinvigorated by the Jedi Mind trick, so she tells Ryan the only way to settle this matter is by giving her a kiss. Sha la la la la don’t look back now… you’ve got to kiss the girl, Ryan. If he kisses her and doesn’t feel anything then, he’s gay. No, then she’ll leave him alone. So they kiss, and Taylor is again flustered in her nether regions and must leave. But she’s not the only one who felt a thump thump thump in their heart. In a brilliant homage to the master thespian and Dancing With the Stars Semi Finalist Joey Lawrence, Ryan spouts a single: “Whoa.”
The next morning, Seth checks in on Ryan, and he’s sleeping like a baby. But yet the tea is untouched! It looks like Kid Chino has reason to look forward to tomorrow once again!