Recap: May Old Acquaintances Be Forgotten

Alright, so I learned my lesson with last week’s quickie The O.C. recap. Was it the worst recap ever, as ginaballerina21 suggested? Possibly. I even realized that it wasn’t up to snuff as I was laying down the Who? What? When? Where? And Why? Of it all. Sorry. I mean, how could I have failed to mention that in alt-world with Marissa dead, Johnny the Annoying lives! But today, things are different. OH SO DIFFERENT! And while I don’t promise you quality (that would be foolish), I do promise you a better Umnata mood, which will hopefully lead to a better recap of the Newport shenanigans as the gang rings in the New Year. And why, per say, is Umnata bursting with elation? Is it because finals are over? Nope (although it doesn’t hurt – let’s hear it for my surprise B in Financial Management in Non-Profit Organizations! Suck it Generally Accepted Accounting Principles!) . Is it because this week both Desperate Housewives and The O.C. are off the air, thus providing me with a much anticipated recap rest? Nah. It’s the fact that it’s Christmas Eve, even as I write this, and your beloved Umnata is an honest to God, Christmas Whore. I just can’t get enough of the fat guy in the suit, the baby in the manger and presents, presents, presents! So let’s strap ourselves in for a Winter Wonderland (of O.C.-riffic comings and goings! Who’s pregnant?! Who’s engaged!?! Will Ryan and Taylor consummate their relationship!?!? And what the heck is Hercules doing here?!?! All that and more after the jump!Marissa who? That’s the question we’re all asking ourselves, as Taylor has firmly planted her more supple (but no less yummy) hips as Ryan’s new girlfriend and Summer’s new BFF. So much so, Summer had Coop’s body excavated to give Taylor the St Ends, half to complete her Be Fri charm. We get caught up in Josh Schwartz’s attempt to be Tarantinoesque (The worst conversion of a Pronoun into an adjective, like ever) as we are checking in on the plot as it is half in motion. Taylor and Summer are in a seedy bathroom stall waiting desperately as the clock ticks down and the results of a pregnancy test are about to be revealed. But whose pregnancy test!?!? At the very same time, Ryan is intimidating Seth with his man boobs to tell him why the girls are acting so fishy. It seems the Donna, David, Brandon and Kelly are on their way to Vegas for New Year’s. Well, actually, Ryan and Taylor were on their way to Vegas for a night of Sin City sinning when Seth and Summer crashed the carnal party.

Instead of explaining things then and there we flashback seven hours earlier, to see how this madness all started. Ugh, if only that were really possible, all I’d need is like seven hours on any given day of the week, to change my whole life. You know who you are!

Ryan and Seth are chatting about their New Year’s plans: Ryan has a fun-filled evening for him and Taylor that involves breakfast and then surprising her with a trip to Vegas and hopefully ending with a little Dirty Sanchez. Seth on the flipside has absolutely not plans for him and Summer, which feels about right, as Seth, while sarcastic and funny, is pretty much otherwise a failure in the game of Life.

Across town, Taylor is basking in the newness of her relationship with Ryan, when things are all fun and exciting, like tonight’s special plans. Summer, on the other hand, is starting to wonder if she missed the boat in alt-world, as she knows her evening has nothing more in store than some Korean cinema and possible some Justice League of America kinky role-play. And she is SICK of having to by Wonder Woman, but Seth just can’t get into giving it to Hawkgirl doggy style. Talk about stale.

When Ryan and Taylor meet up later, they are cute as a button. And not one of those ugly buttons on and old grandpa sweater. A fancy button. Taylor has a gift for Ryan – sexy lingerie. In that one second I realize what these two have the Ryan and Marissa had been missing since like episode 4 of season 1: Heat. You can just imagine them having a very active, very healthy sexy life. And believe me, I do imagine it. ALL THE TIME. Awkward…

Meanwhile, Seth also has a gift for Summer, and while I was betting on an Avatar statue, it’s just a “Jamaican Me Crazy” T-shirt, which is supposed to be lame, but I find hysterical. Summer, is on the lame side of the argument, as she yells at Seth for being a complete waste.

Over at New Match (yup, that’s still happening) Julie is on the phone with Bullet’s son Spencer, about the little prostitution ring they “accidentally” set-up a few weeks back (yup, that’s still going on as well). I think if this all happened last year, I might have been irritated, but with all the goodwill I have towards this show, this season, I find it nothing but charming. Or maybe that’s just the Christmas spirit talking. Whatever. Anyway, Julie is having trouble hiding all the new money they are bringing in, because the budget only calls for $500 a week in hookers, and they are way over that. Just then, Bullet comes in and invites “his girlfriend” to his New Year’s Eve party that night, which is classily titled: BANG! Julie gives him a huge maybe, since she’ll be up late cooking the books all night. I then get the vision of Julie wearing a green visor, tiny bifocals sitting at the dining room table in a Juicy jumpsuit using an old calculator and abacus trying to do the accounting. For some reason, I don’t think numbers are Julie’s best suit.

At the Cohen’s, Sandy’s eyebrows are preparing sandwiches for Ryan’s road trip with Taylor, while Sandy is packing a cooler. They work best when they are separated. Seth is confessing to his pa, that he doesn’t have much in the way of plans for his girlfriend on this special night, which Sandy astutely notes is not one of the Cohen men’s strong suits. You should see the roses that Sandy got Kirsten on Arbor Day. I mean, roses! It was a disaster. Just then, Seth gets a wonderful idea: He’s going to just hop onto the Atwood thoughtfulness train all the way to Vegas.

Julie and Spencer have a clandestine meeting in a parking lot, which is my favorite kind of Julie Cooper meeting, as she dons huge sunglasses to be discreet. Remember when she spied on Dr. Roberts last season? Classic. Anyway, Julie and Spencer agree that New Year’s will be their last whore gig, ever, as things are getting a bit sticky (pun, possibly intended). Everything will be fine, just as soon as Spencer finds his little black book with all their clients’ names, e-mail addresses and phone numbers. Oh, don’t worry Julie, Heidi Fleiss was even MORE successful AFTER her arrest. I mean, she even has a column in Maxim.

Bullet heads to a hotel to meet up with a former Private Eye buddy of his. And where have we seen him before? Besides, standing before Zeus as out favorite half mortal/half God, of course. That’s right; this guy was in the coffee shop when Julie and Spencer were on the phone earlier. Incidentally, this was the last time Spencer saw the Little Black Book. Hmm… interesting. This guy, Frankules, needs a job, and he’s interested, of all things, in New Match. Funny. Bullet tells him he’s barking up the wrong tree, especially since he mentioned the idea of getting Julie some help at the office, to free her up for some free range Bullet shooting, and Julie declined.

As Taylor was packing for her Vegas romp with Ryan’s pecs, she noticed an unopened box of tampons, and checked her calendar with a frown on her face. Before I can say “sucks for Ryan”, Taylor heads into the other room and tells Summer that she might be pregnant. No, not Taylor. Summer might be pregnant. Summer gets all defensive (and presumably grossed out by the fact that Taylor keeps a schedule of her menstrual cycle), and says that she is late and that doesn’t mean anything. Taylor, not one to leave well enough alone, suggests that maybe Summer should take a little tinkle and get this out of the way. After all, it’s New Year’s and she shouldn’t start the New Year off with this hanging out her head. Summer refuses, and Taylor, seemingly unable to realize that it is Summer’s uterus and not her in question here, presses on. Luckily, Seth enters with announcement of grand plans for his and Ryan’s beloveds, and Summer is Saved by the Nerd.

As they start on their journey, Taylor keeps on Summer about peeing on the stick. Seth, however, is busy apologizing to Ryan for hopping on Ryan’s plans, since he knows that Ryan isn’t open to Foursomes, although Seth is a little curious. He will remedy this intrusion by buying Taylor and Ryan the best room Sandy Cohen’s money can buy to make it up to him. Aww, that’s cute Seth, but don’t you mean the best money Kirsten Cohen’s money can buy?

Trying to talk in code Taylor keeps referring to the pregnancy test as Toothpaste (eww imagine if you actually did get those confused? Gross.). Seth hears this incessant prattling on about toothpaste and remembers that he forgot his at home, which isn’t exactly news to Summer’s ears. Would you really want to raise a kid, with Seth Cohen? I mean, come on. Seth snatches the brown bag Taylor has the kit in, and opens it (without Ryan seeing it) and is stunned. Taylor gestures that it’s hers, and things immediately get awkward in the car. It’s sweet, however, when Summer tugs on Taylor’s hand to thank her. Seriously, Marissa who?

When the gang arrives at the pit stop (roughly where the episode began), Ryan apologizes to Taylor about their plans getting Seth-jacked. Ryan also promises her that things will get much better once they get settled into their Cohen-paid hotel suite. Taylor + Ryan + Pay Porn = HOTTTT. However, Taylor is suddenly squeamish about the idea of Ryan’s baby stick entering her life chamber, with her new best buddy suddenly, possibly with child. Unfortunately, since Taylor is the newest member of the Sisterhood of the Travel Paper Denim Pants, she can’t tell Ryan that’s the reason she’s iffy on all the sex. Ryan is perplexed and definitely losing altitude quickly, if you know what I mean. Seth, meanwhile, has listened in on this conversation, and asks Ryan if he’s sure that he and Taylor haven’t gotten horizontal yet. I mean, is Ryan really sure, to the point that Seth tells him it’s okay if maybe he date raped her while she was drunk. Silly Seth. You teenagers don’t get drunk. That’s probably the thing that annoys me most about this show, that besides the minions this year and Marissa’s “alcoholism” the central characters never drink (no, I don’t consider the Volchok debacle or, barf, Johnny’s tequila fueled death in that category). Ryan maintains his innocence, leaving Seth no choice but to squeal like the little piggy he is, that Taylor might be preggo.

Meanwhile, back in Newport, Bullet and Kaitlin do a little bonding, which is good, because up until now, I was afraid that there’d be no Kaitlin at all in this episode, and that is something I just couldn’t bare to see. We learn that Kaitlin won’t be receiving a midnight phone call from Jimmy Cooper as he will be entertaining clients on his boat and out of cell phone range. Kaitlin pretends like she doesn’t care, but like every bad girl before her, ever on any television show ever, Kaitlin isn’t as tough as she pretends. I was going to say as tough as she looks, but no one with hair that shiny actually looks tough at all. Kaitlin then spends some time with Bullet, bonding and plotting to get her mother to fall for the big lug. Kaitlin advises Bullet that whatever her mother says, he should ignore.

Like for example, that bit about NOT hiring anyone to help her out with the books at New Match. This is clear when Julie enters her office to see Frankules skimming the financials. This means that Julie (along with the newly invited, Kaitlin), can join him at BANG!

Just as Summer has taken the test and the clock is ticking down, she starts to freak out and tells Taylor not to look at it. Taylor puts the test back in the box, and into her bag on the floor. As Taylor is trying to talk Summer down from this ledge, a chick in an alien costume enters the bathroom, and steals Taylor’s purse. The girls realize this, run after the alien and start a car chase.

The Scoobies have followed the alien to an abandoned warehouse where there is a “rave” going on. Apparently, the alien and her friends are celebrating New Year’s Eve 1999. They file out of the Range Rover, and notice that the alien get up is a theme. Everyone is dressed like an alien! Zoinks! But not everyone has a Michael Kors handbag from the Spring 2007 Paris collection, so finding the thief should be no problem. Much to their dismay the girls are forced to split up and search with their boyfriends.

Ryan takes a quiet moment alone to tell Taylor that he isn’t upset about her “condition” but rather only that she lied to him. This isn’t the first, nor, I suspect, will it be the last time, Ryan has helped someone raise a child that isn’t his. Honestly, if anyone can handle this, it’s Ryan Atwood. Taylor of course takes this as a personal dig on her virtue; she thinks that Ryan is calling her a whore, since the implication is that in between her divorce and her make out with Ryan, which was only a few days, she had unprotected sex with someone else. Actually, the implication was that Ryan didn’t want to be lied to, whatever, the case was, but, sure you’re also a whore, Taylor.

At BANG!, Julie is giving Spencer some serious shit for setting all of their “clients” up at the party where Kirsten is going to be. The Keekster might notice something is up when all of her clients are there with date New Match didn’t set them up with. Spencer doesn’t think this is going to be a problem because, Kirsten is an alcoholic. “Recovering, unfortunately,” Julie reminds him.

As Julie suspected, Kirsten notices that odd matches that New Match didn’t match up, especially since all the middle aged Newpsies are groping twenty year old tennis instructors. (By the way I’m really digging the Fall Out Boy Christmas Song – What’s This – that I’m listening to. Just wanted to give you the insider’s experience.) Just then Frankules shows up, and Julie assumes the jig is up. Frankules informs the two of them that the books seem to be completely fine. Julie then announces that she is invincible and tackles a bartender.

Seth and Summer are ordering waters (LAME), when Seth asks for a high-five in celebration of the bullet the pregnancy bullet they dodged. Summer is completely heartbroken, and just walks away from her witless boyfriend. Seth, for once picking up what Summer is throwing down, realizes he doesn’t have ANYTHING to high-five about.

Its 11:59 pm (these guys have the WORST luck on New Year’s, right Oliver), and Summer and Taylor meet up with Ryan. Summer comes clean about the test being hers, and as a special New Year’s gift to their respective boyfriends, the girls steal the car keys and leave the boys in the middle of the dessert.

For some reason the guys take this in stride, and even hit the jackpot, as they see the thieving alien heading upstairs with someone for a little freak to freak mating ritual. The boys sneak into the room, as the two aliens are having the weirdest foreplay ever, and steal back the bag.

Lady luck is smiling on Ryan and Seth tonight (well, not on Ryan’ penis), as they are being chased by Slutty Alien Thief’s big burly Alien lover, and they see some fans of Atomic County in a van about to pull away. Kid Chino and The Ironist ask for an emergency evac and the nerds in the van are much obliged. It takes marble mouthed Ryan to once again put things into perspective for the oh-so-dim Seth, as he tells her he needs be there for Summer. He also makes Seth realize that whatever the results of the test, he wants to be with Little Miss Vixen for the rest of his life. Sidenote: Is All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey the best Christmas song ever? No, just me? Okay.

When the boys arrive home, Ryan finds Taylor sulking in bed. Basically, it goes like this: “Don’t worry baby, I don’t think you’re a whore.” Taylor is swept off her feet, which is a good thing since she’s wearing the lingerie from earlier under her covers. Yummy. Ryan jumps into bed with the parameters of “Everything But…” firmly established.

Seth enters Summer’s room, having not yet looked at the pregnancy test. He gives her a sweet speech about always wanting to be with her, blah blah blah. He then… asks her to marry him… with an eyeball ring! Romance is alive in The O.C. bitches! Summer, can’t believe it, but Seth wants her to know that it wasn’t because of the results of the test on the stick that made him ask her, but rather because of the results of the test in his heart. Aww. Downgrade though: The test is negative. And now they are engaged. And neither seem to keen on the idea.

At the party, Kaitlin spies her mother talking to Frankules, who is telling her that the results of the bookkeeping weren’t as peachy keen as he led her to believe. He tells Julie to meet him in his Hotel Suite so they can discuss this further. As Frank is leaving he bumps into Sandy, who is convinced he knows Frankules from somewhere.

As Julie is getting ready to leave, Kaitlin confronts her about going to meet the mystery hunk. Kaitlin tells her that it’s not fair to Bullet who really has started to like her. Julie tells Kaitlin to trust her, since the meeting with Frankules isn’t exactly what it seems. Kaitlin then offers up the most random non-sequitor of the episode as she tells Julie she misses Jimmy sometimes. Duh, Tate Donovan rules. Remember when he was Joshua on Friends? Awesome.

Kaitlin spies Bullet looking pathetic, waiting for Julie. Kaitlin asks him to show her that Texas Two Step they were talking about earlier. They dance and it is ADORABLE. It’d be nice for Kaitlin to have at least one somewhat decent parental influence in her life. Well, actually, Bullet and Julie combined, form one decent parental influence, so I’m okay with this. You, Gordon Bullet, have won me over with your rascally charm.

Julie has headed up to Frankules’ room and informed him that she will not trade sex for secrets. Seriously, Julie? You’re above that now? Doubtful. This is totally fine with Frankules, however, as he isn’t interested in New Match. Only in the Cohens. What what whattttt? Meanwhile, Sandy is researching a hunch back at his office, and pulls out a file on a perp. B&E. Check. D&D. Check. DUI. Check. Slaying mythical dragons. Check. The name on the file: Frank Atwood.

That’s right! Frankules is Ryan’s father! I got to say I really didn’t see that coming. And…I loved it! Have a happy holiday! See you in two!