Recap: The OC: Paris is for Lovers

So The O.C. wasn’t on last week (thank you Pilgrims for having dinner with the Indians before mercilessly slaughtering them and stealing their land!), so I got a little lazy with the recap. Sue me! It’s not easy grinding these puppies out week after week. I get a rerun, and goddammit, I’m going to take advantage of it! Guilty conscience, much? Regardless, The O.C.’s epic run continues, with what is only episode four, but a season that is light years better than anything that has happened post-Marissa OD in TJ.

Oh and just to rest all of your minds, there was a crazy rumor that The O.C. had been cancelled, but it’s not true. The show is still in production and will complete its 16 episode season commitment. Of course after that, it is all but certain to be axed, but until then we can all sleep easy!
It’s the steps of grief for Summer, and I say s it’s about time. Poor Sum just hasn’t been the same since her BFFL Coop went to the big Hermes sale in the sky. Luckily, it only takes her a week to power through the five stages of grief. Once she lands on Acceptance (kind of like Free Parking in Monopoly, I suspect), she thinks that it is time to become her old, shallow self again. Hopefully, this means she’ll also rediscover her long dormant warm and fuzzy feelings for bodily hygiene, but one step at a time, I suppose.

Seth, also hopeful to reconnect with the vapid, yet clean Summer of yesteryear, has taken an impromptu trip to Providence (the frequent flyer miles these kids are wracking up!) in the hopes that who he’ll discover on the East Coast will more closely resemble the old Sum. Lucky for Sethala, when she meets him at the airport she’s being shot in slow-mo, with a fancy new dress on and a fantastic song in the background. She saunters up to him and plants a wet one on him, with all the passion of a racist Michael Richards rant. If that doesn’t sound like the old Summer, I don’t know what does.

In what may be the most unintentionally funny moment of this new, mucho fantastico season, we get an insider look at Ryan’s intense beach workout routine, This is how they roll in Chino, however, I assume the bum fight portion of the work out regime was edited out. The only thing that’s missing is “Eye of the Tiger” in the background. At the beach for completely different non-Apollo Creed related reasons is Sandy, who is impressed with Ryan’s moves. I’m telling you, forget Summer and Seth, the sexual tension between these two this season is INTENSE. We need some exposition on what’s going on with Ry Guy, so we learn that Ryan is starting his new job at the local Taco stand. Sandy also hopes that once Ryan starts his deferred admission to Berkeley College, Ryan will start getting back to his old self. He’ll be tap dancing again, in no time.

Further driving home the point that Summer is back to her old self, she takes Seth back to her dorm room and gives him all the sex. Yummy. After the second round of ride the Challah, Summer apologizes to Seth about being such a liberal zealot to distract herself from her own grief. Seth accepts said apology easily, but will Ann Coulter be so understanding? To welcome the old Summer back in all her glory, Seth pulls out a surprise from his backpack. That’s right! Its Marissa’s excavated skeleton! Hooray! Okay, it’s not, but let’s take just a second to think about how funny it would be if it WAS. What Seth really whips out is Season Three of Summer’s fav show, The Valley.

Since everyone else’s problems seem to be momentarily solved, Sandy has come up with a trouble of his very own: Lack of Guy Friends. Oy! He misses having guys around to watch the game with or play a round of golf with or any other cliché that you would expect. This seems like a quite obvious ploy to give series headliner, Peter Gallagher a storyline. But who cares? Sandy Cohen is SOOO 2004. Anyway, Kirsten, whom I’d love to see in a meandering C-plotline, suggests that he calls his co-worker from the office, Jason Spitz, to go on a man date. Sandy has a couple of problems though. One, he doesn’t know how to set up a “man date” and two, How I Met Your Mother already had this same exact storyline a few weeks ago and it was hilarious. There is no way of Sandy, or his eyebrows, getting out of this without embarrassing themselves.

At the Roberts-Nicholl house, Julie gets off the phone with Dr. Roberts, who is still away in Seattle, working at Seattle Grace. Kaitlin even asks if that sassy little resident is still bossing him around. You know, Dr. Bailey! Get it? He’s at Grey’s Anatomy! Zoinks! I hate this particular inside joke, but I digress. Julie is having second thoughts about breaking up with Dr. Roberts, since he’s sweet enough to let them to stay at the house for as long as he’s getting his McDreamy on. Kaitlin brushes those doubts away by reassuring her mother that she’ll bounce back with a new old man to take care of her in no time. 80 is the new 30, after all. In the words of my Bulgarian grandmother, Julie can not believe it this. Is this really what she is teaching little Kaitlin, that money and looks conquer all evils. Well, yeah Julie. That’s exactly what you are teaching her. No longer! Julie makes a pact with Kaitlin that she will swear off cock if Kaitlin stays out of trouble. Consider JuJu’s porn star past and my beloved minions lurking in the shadows around Kaitlin, I somehow doubt either of these “promises” will be followed through.

Ryan is bussing his way through life at El Pavo Guapo; much like a young Umnata did at On the Border Mexican Cantina. Sigh. He sees Taylor wandering about, and makes the mistake so many of us do when we see someone we know somewhere we don’t normally see them: He calls out her name. Ryan’s look of panic when Taylor turns around to greet him is one that I’ve felt many times during a Christmas break, when I stupidly call over a fellow former Hicksville Comet. Anyway, Taylor is looking for Seth because she needs help dealing with a Gerard Depardieu (read: older, skeevy French man). It seems that Taylor’s estranged husband, Henri-Michel, is tres convinced that he and Taylor need to make a go of their marriage. Taylor needs to convince Henri-Michel’s lawyer that she has been unfaithful or else it is back to the City of Lights with nothing but brie and baguettes to keep her company. C’est Dommage!

Back at Brown, Che has decided to let Summer in on Phase 23232 in his Ra’s Al Ghul eco domination of the world with a flyer about the need for solar panels in the dorm rooms. Sorry Che, Summer is so over being an activist. Activism just doesn’t go with the new Berkin Bag she bought. But words can’t express how truly vapid Summer really is, so she takes Che on an eye-opening tour de crap of her life. There are calf-skin boots, celebrity rags and, worst of all, pictures of Coop.

Later, Summer is aghast to find out that her old buddies on the show The Valley no longer excite and interest her the way they once did. Neither do play-by-plays of every herpes treatment Paris Hilton has gotten over the past six months. Tot his end, Summer pulls out the discarded Che solar panel flyer. Ultimate Grudge Steel Cage Match: Old Pretty Summer vs. New Activist Smelly Summer. Two will enter…

Ryan, after succumbing to his “Damsel in Distress” syndrome, is waiting with Taylor for the meeting with Henri-Michel, but alas only his lawyer shows. The lawyer arrogantly (is there any other way for those damned French!), says that there won’t be any divorce, and Taylor is to return to France. It seems that French divorce laws are as convoluted as their Foreign Policies, as Taylor can not divorce Henri-Michel without mutual consent. There is a loophole however – if one of the parties have been unfaithful, then a divorce can be granted. Taylor starts clutching Ryan’s arm and claims that they are lovers. The lawyer doesn’t buy it.

BUT I DO! Seriously, I know some of your heads may have exploded when you realized that the creative genius that is Josh Schwartz was putting Ryan and Taylor together, but not this guy. Pure genius, if you ask me.

Meanwhile, Julie and Kirsten have met up for lunch where Julie informs Kirsten of her Penis Embargo. Oh Pam Anderson! How much you could learn from Julie Cooper-Nicholl-Roberts. Julie is intent on being a better role model for her surviving daughter and in growing her once burgeoning career. Remember when Kirsten and Julie started that Dating Service. Random. While Sandy is calling Kristen cooing about the man-date he has plan with Jason Spitz, Julie runs into Taryn the Terrible, one of the newly refurbished Newpsies. Julie asks her how she looks so great and Taryn’s answer is quite simple: Young Man Spunk. It does wonders for the skin. Julie is intrigued, even though she has vowed to lay off the spunk, whether old or young.

At Harbor High, Kaitlin is approached by the minions about some fake IDs they can score to go to this great new club, The Attic. No, The Peach Pit After Dark. Wait, well, I don’t know the name of the club, but I’m pretty sure both Kelly Taylor and Kapowski are going to be there. Kaitlin turns them down at first, but then, obviously, decides to join there evil plot.

At El Pavo Guapo, Taylor finds Ryan and asks him to sign some French document about the state of her character for the divorce. Ryan may be a lowly busboy (the lowest form of restaurant life, next to the hostess, of course) but he’s not stupid. He smells something foul afoot, and takes the document to peruse before signing it.

Seth as we’ve learned has very few personal boundaries, as he takes this opportunity to discuss with Che, a virtual stranger, the intimate details of his relationship with Summer. Moments later, Seth interrupts a propaganda spouting Summer, taking on her mantle as activist. She is leading the rally against Solar Panels! Or, wait, for Solar Panels! Seth seems disappointed by the return of new Summer, but I think if he looks closer at the Badgley Mischka couture dress she’s wearing and he’ll notice that it’s not so much the return of new Summer, as an old Summer/new Summer hybrid.

Julie and Kirsten have resigned themselves to a night of girl talk and tickle fights when Julie get a call from Taryn the Terrible asking her if she’d like to join them on their young cock prowl. Julie instantly forgets about her plans with Kirsten and vow to Kaitlin, and quickly accepts.

Now here’s where things get a little wacky. Kaitlin picks up the IDs for herself and her minions and head to a swanky club. Kaitlin gets in, because the club has yet to reach its underage date rape quota for the month, but the minions are denied because they are both nerds and virgins. They beg Kaitlin to not go in without them, but she’s too pretty not to be somewhere fabulous. Meanwhile, you’ll never guess who is also at the club. Bea Arthur! Okay, it’s not Bea Arthur, it’s a very intoxicated Julie, making nice with a young stud. Kaitlin spots her mom and quickly skeedaddles, and Julie is pretty sure that she caught a glimpse of young Kaitlin through her beer goggles.

Ryan, who has never heard of google it seems, spent all day translating the document Taylor gave him to sign. He has a few questions, for example, why does it say that the two of them did the nasty numerous times. Taylor comes clean, saying that she has to convince Henri-Michel’s lawyer that Taylor is an adultering whore. If Ryan doesn’t sign the papers, she’ll be sent back to France, and succumb to Henri-Michel’s animalistic sexuality. Although Ryan’s Damsel in Distress-o-meter is buzzing like crazy, he doesn’t help Taylor. It’s actually kind of sad, in a very Ryan way, when he says that he can’t handle much more than his job at El Pavo Guapo. Oh, that’s why he’s not the Tortilla Maker yet. Makes perfect sense now.

After some basic Jack Tripper miscommunications, Seth heads to the Brown Board Meeting to support Summer, although it seemed as though he was mondo disappointed that his girlfriend might stop shaving her legs again. Unfortunately, Seth doesn’t go to Brown, so he’s not allowed in the Board meeting. Bu he’s super supportive of Summer, so all is right with the world.

After the man-date at the Golf Course went so well, Sandy and Spitzy decide to go to second base together, which in this case involves a bar, Mexican food and “the game.” Is Sandy really trying to convince us he’s a man’s man? He’s probably even a Yankees fan. There they run into Ryan, who denies their request for a threesome, but not before Sandy can talk him into using his superpowers of being a compulsive meddler in other people’s business.

This leads Ryan to head over to le meeting (it’s French, I swear) just in time to save Taylor. And how does he do that you ask? By planting a big fat kiss on her! And let me tell you it’s hot. So hot, that Frenchie Le French French buys that the two of them are in L-O-V-E, and vows to tell Henri-Michel that his union with Ms. Townsend is over! And what have we learned from this lesson? America Fucking Rules!

Later that night, Taylor heads to the pool house, to give Ryan a Peach Torte as a thanks for the help, the kiss and the masturbatory fantasy she and her shower nozzle will be using for weeks to come. It’s clear that Taylor is smitten with Kid Chino, but Ryan is clearly oblivious. His first clue should’ve been the Peach Torte itself. Earlier in the episode it was revealed that not only are peaches Ryan’s favorite fruit, but also the nickname Henri-Michel had for Taylor’s boobies. Ryan, she made you Boobie Torte! Wake up man!

So what did we think? Ryan and Taylor, yay or ney???