Recap: The OC: The Ghost of Chrismukkah Past

Alright, so again I thought that The O.C. was a repeat this week, leaving me extra time to get this recap up, but again, I was wrong. Sorry, I’ve got Santa and finals on the brain. But as a special treat, you get an extra special recap. What makes it extra special? Chrismukkah of course! Because you know what I hated about this VERY SPECIAL CHRISMUKKAH EPISODE? Absolutely. Nothing. The episode starts off ominously for our favorite new couple, Ryan and Taylor, as Ryan is taking a break from setting up Chrismukkah decorations and chatting with Kirsten about the invite list to the special Chrismukkah dinner tonight. By the way, what exactly are Chrismukkah Decorations? Circumcised Reindeer? Santa in a yarmulke? Anyway, Kristen tells Ryan that he should invite Taylor over for dinner, but Ryan, as he mumbled in last week’s Best. Episode. Ever., he isn’t ready for a girlfriend. And if Chrismukkah Eve dinner doesn’t send the girlfriend message, he doesn’t know what does. Kirsten tells Ryan to get the sand out of his vagina and just invite Taylor over, which Ryan says he’s going to. Unfortunately, Kirsten is stolen away by her “ham guy”, and Ryan peruses the mail to find a letter from beyond the grave. Return Address:
Marissa Cooper
Cloud 293283
Heaven

Over at Julie’s, Kaitlin is complaining about having to go to Julie’s white trash family’s Christmas festivities in Riverside. Julie correctly notes that they don’t have many family choices, so watching Aunt Cindy do whip-its under the mistletoe is as good as it’s going to get. Enter Taylor, complete with her gift for non-boyfriend Ryan: A George Foreman grill, because Ryan “obviously” likes his meat lean. I love Taylor. Julie wonders if Taylor is going to be spending the holiday with her mother, but Taylor explains that she was informed via mass e-mail that Veronica Townsend would be in Mexico for Christmas with her new boyfriend. No matter, Taylor has every intention of going to the Cohens’ for Christmas, just as soon as Ryan invites her.

Taylor heads over to see Ryan as he is setting up the dreidel on top the outdoor Christmas tree. Oy! Ryan is still in shock over the letter he found from Marissa (which is still unopened), but Taylor just thinks that Ryan is playing the I’m not ready for a girlfriend card. Kudos to Taylor for noting that the only muscles Ryan has yet to develop are those in his mouth. Taylor starts to invite herself over but Ryan squashes it. This enrages Taylor, reminding me that enraged Taylor is my favorite kind of Taylor. She climbs the ladder to meet Ryan on the roof, and they start to fight over the gift that Taylor is trying to give to Ryan. Ryan doesn’t want the Foreman, but Taylor insists on him having it since she accepted his gift of rejection. This leads to a pushing match that ends with both Ryan and Taylor on the ground; hand in hand, momentarily unconscious. They wake up, and Taylor storms out. But something funny happened. Everything’s changed! You’re not in Chino anymore!

Here’s where things get pretty tricky for the dutiful recapper, as it’s kind of hard to explain an alternate reality within a show, like The O.C. Basically, I’m going to get my geek on, and just say that while in the Newport we know and love, Ryan and Taylor are in a coma, in Bizarro Newport no one has any idea who Taylor or Ryan are.

It starts with Ryan walking around the house, and getting yelled at by Ice Queen Kirsten, who doesn’t know who he is. He finally says something about Seth, and Kristen sends Ryan to the comic book shop where Seth currently is.

At the mall, Ryan runs into Julie, who is doing some kind of weird public service announcement, trying to help the homeless. Julie, sweet? Something must be amiss. She also doesn’t recognize Ryan, and calls him a street urchin. I love it!

Ryan heads upstairs to the comic shop, where Seth is being terrorized by Luke’s twin brothers, who are no longer Kaitlin’s minions, but are still highly entertaining. They are stealing Seth’s wallet, and generally terrorizing him, but in a world without Ryan Atwood, Seth never “toughened up.” Ryan gets the wallet back, and the non-minions continue to terrorize Seth, telling him that his “girlfriend” is across the mall. And of course, we see Seth staring at Summer who is… TRYING ON A WEDDING DRESS! Ryan assumes that at least Seth and Summer are still together in this bizarre world, but ’tis not true. Anyone else really digging, pre-Ryan Seth? Just saying…

Ryan takes a one last effort to get his head on straight by finding Sandy at the Yacht club. Sandy is currently the Mayor of Newport and a general corporate scumbag that he hates. He also doesn’t remember Ryan, and it’s not helping his whole “I’m not crazy” case, by basically copping to stalking Kirsten and Seth.

Taylor finds Ryan, because you know, in Bizzaro Newport, they are totally connected, unlike in the real world. This was the one annoying point of the show, as Taylor continues to bring up the fact that Ryan doesn’t want her to be his girlfriend. I thought last week, she was totally okay with using him as her personal jungle gym? Anyway, Taylor, who has a bit of the nerd in her as well, explains to Ryan that they are in a parallel, alt-world, and that they won’t be able to go back to their real world until they right these horrible wrongs that are happening in alt-world. Duh, Ryan. Get with it man!

As Taylor explains the nuances of alternate time travel – bro, are you the only person who doesn’t watch, Heroes? – Summer shows up with best buddy, Holly (!!!). Summer has turned into a Newpsie in training, granted a pretty trashy one, with her delightful Velour jumpsuit, and jive-talking ways. Enter Summer’s fiancée… CHE! Well, actually in alt-world, Che is really Winchester, a sleazy frat guy. This has got to be part of their mission to change the alt-world! Ryan is tasked with handling Seth, while Taylor tails Summer. IT doesn’t take Taylor long to overhear Che on the phone, setting up a sexy rendezvous with some chica who is NOT Summer.

In the real world, we find out that Ryan and Taylor are fine, just in a tiny, non-damaging coma. They’ll wake up when they are good and ready. Sandy sniffs around and smells… wait for it… wait for it… a Chrismukkah miracle! They relocate Chrismukkah to the hospital, hoping that the smells of Christmas Cookies and Matza ball soup will make the two sleeping beauties come around.

Back at alt-world’s Cohen house, Ryan discovers that Kirsten is happily married in this universe as well. Except to Jimmy Cooper! Huzzah! She also runs the Newport Group, which explains the perma-frown on her face.

Things really start getting messed up in alt-world when Taylor discovers that Julie is also happily married. To Sandy Cohen! What what what!?!?! To make matters worse, this world’s Julie Cooper Nicholl Roberts Cohen, is also a bit of a slut with a penchant for younger men, as it is revealed that Julie is also Che’s side piece of ass. In a painfully, funny and awkward moment, we get an inside look into what their sex life looks like and lets’ just say that involves lots of spanking.

Taylor, rightfully freaked out, starts to leave, and stumbles into what looks like Marissa’s old room. She is informed by a frightened maid that Ms. Cooper will be arriving home from Berkeley in the afternoon. Could it really be? Did someone excavate the Coop?

Ryan’s mind is officially blown when he meets up with Taylor and hears about all of the new pairings going around. Taylor thinks that there best course of action would be to head to Kirsten’s party that night to try to repair all the correct couples, thus leading them to awaken from their comas. Taylor then softly informs Ryan that in this world, Marissa lives! Ryan can’t concentrate on anything else, and wants to go see Marissa at the airport. Taylor tells him that it won’t matter if she’s alive in this world, she’s dead in reality. But Ryan wonders if reality is worth having if he can live in a world where the Coop reigns supreme. Ouch, Taylor. Ouch.

In real Newport, Summer goes home and tells Julie and Kaitlin about Ryan and Taylor’s slumber. Kaitlin is super excited as it seems that they are being tasked with finding Veronica Townsend at the airport and informing her that her only daughter is in a coma. No slummin’ it this year for these sweeties!

Back in alt-world, Ryan rushes to the airport in typical O.C. slow-mo, perfectly sound tracked fashion, only to find that it is Kaitlin, not Marissa who lives. It seems Kaitlin is some kind of mondo genius and skipped all the way to Berkeley as the youngest freshman, like, ever. She tells Ryan that her sister OD’d in an alley three years ago. Without Ryan there to save her, she died an even more tragic death than being run off the road by the Volchokinator.

Ryan and Taylor reunite in alt-world, as Taylor tries to console Ryan, but he’s surprisingly over it. Coop dead. Next! He’s on board with Taylor’s reunion plan, and they head to Kiki’s Ice Queen party.

At the party, Taylor makes the HILARIOUS discovery that in alt-world that she is a boy and her mother is still an overbearing, unloving bitch.

In reality, Seth is explaining the alternate world theory to his father (as any good comic bookstore worker would), when Kirsten calls to let them know that she discovered the letter that Ryan received from Bones McGee, suggesting that this is why Ryan can’t come out of his coma.

Also in the real Orange County, Julie and Kaitlin have headed to the airport to cut Veronica Townsend off before her flight to Cabo St. Lucas leaves. Veronica isn’t all that interested in Taylor’s little coma, which brings out the Mama Bear Claws in Julie. She tells Veronica that if she doesn’t leave to see her daughter, she’ll tell everyone that Veronica is carrying bombs. And not just the ones in her shirt. Rim shot!

Bizzaro Ryan heads upstairs to find Seth moping about his loser status. Ryan jumps right into the truth about the alternate world scenario, which Seth is all for, as he is alt-world’s biggest tool. Ryan gives him all the pointers he needs to woo Summer.

Sorry guys but things are going to get way more convoluted so please forgive me for fudging the details. Taylor starts Jedi mind tricking Kirsten and Sandy into thinking that they have been constantly talking about each other. Meanwhile, Ryan and Taylor have set up Julie and Che to get caught mid-”thongectomy” in the bathroom by Jimmy Cooper. Still meanwhile, Seth is trying desperately to make Summer love him, using everything from his love of plastic ponies to dissertations on The Valley.

Elsewhere on else world, Taylor confronts her mother about picking on boy bizarro Taylor in alt-world (get that?), calling her mother a bitch. This causes Taylor to freak out, as she’s been waiting her whole life to call her mother a bitch. This was what Taylor needed to do in alt-world, and soon is awake in real world.

When Taylor wakes up, her mother arrives with Julie, and is TICKED off that Taylor is up and around. For THIS she missed her flight! Just as Julie is about the claw Veronica’s face off (methinks Julie is projecting – at least Veronica still HAS her daughter – tear), Taylor tells her mom its okay, and that she should head on back to her vacation. It seems that telling her mother off in alt-world was all Taylor needed to feel better.

Back in alt-world, Ryan is alone and confronted by the lives he’s been meddling in. Finally, Ryan tells them all the way things should be. Summer and Seth = together. Che = dickhead, etc. They don’t like this much, and Ryan gets hauled off by the police.

Ryan is then bailed out of jail by Mayor Cohen (I guess somethings never change). Sandy can’t understand why Ryan cares so much about his family, but admits that he made some strong points. Ryan asks Sandy when things went south for the gang, and he points to the death of Marissa three years ago. He says that after Coop died, everyone got stuck. Get it? Like Ryan is stuck? Sandy invites Ryan over for dinner; I suppose starting the cycle of Ryan saving the day in alt-world, that will allow him to wake from his coma.

Kirsten has given Julie the letter from Marissa, in real world, who explains to the gang, and a still comatose Ryan, that the letter was sent the day Marissa was leaving town. She said she had to leave, because it was the only way that any of them could get on with their lives. Amen to that sister! With that Ryan wakes from his coma. He leans over to Taylor and says that he’s glad she’s with him. Yes, another Chrismukkah miracle. Keep them coming!