Recap: The OC: A Two Night O.C. Event: Part 2: She Who Must Not Be Named

So I definitely DID NOT at all, even remotely, get misty eyed during this episode of The O.C. Not at all. Certainly not at the last 2/3′s of the episode when Julie discovered that her daughter’s killer was apprehended. Or when she realized she needs to move on from Marissa’s death. Or when she asked Ryan to: “Tell me about her.” And certainly not when Summer finally admitted to “missing my friend.” None of these moments, not a single one, got me even remotely emotional. You know why? Because I am not a bady. I am a man! I am a Blogger Man! I’m also full of crap, and was a sniffly mess by the end. And I’m not much of a crier. I swear. Bambi’s mom had it comin’ and Field of Dreams is lame. That’s just how I roll. And yet you show me a distraught Julie Cooper-Nicholl-Roberts mourning her Skeletor daughter, and I’m a weepy little girl. Could it be? Is The O.C. that good this season!?!?! Or am I just that lame? YOU DECIDE…Well it would seem that Ryan is still more than a wee bit miffed about the whole “Seth is a Jew-das” thing, with his BFFL turned Sandy and Kirsten onto Muscle Man Ryan’s plot to extract sweet, sweet Chino revenge on the Volchok, who could blame him?

At the same time as the Cohens are discussing this, Ryan and Julie are having yet another Deepthroat chat. This overlapping dialogue is not a friend of the recapper. Bottom line, Julie has been banned from the Cohen Manse on Thanksgiving, in order to keep Julie’s claws out of Ryan. But Ryan is made of steel, is he not?

The Cohen storm of Awkwardness converges in the kitchen, where things are still quite dicey. Kirsten plays the mama bear card, because both she and the veins in her face have had enough of this! She orders Seth and Ryan to go to the grocery store TOGETHER and when they reconvene they will all cook Thanksgiving dinner together or else. The boys reluctantly agree, but Sandy needs to take a pass on the festivities for an important meeting at the office. He got a mysterious call from none other than… VOLCHOK! It seems that a Seth Cohen lecture is nearly as influential as a Sandy Cohen lecture. Volchok is back in town and ready to give it all up.

Sandy meets The Vol at the beach, where he starts immediately weeping about how hard life on the run ahs been, how difficult it is to be a bad boy all day, everyday and how much his new ab workout routine is harshing on his bad boy tattoo regime. But Sandy doesn’t want to hear any of it. He’s Volchok’s lawyer, not his friend which is a nice change because well all know Sandy gets when you put him in charge of a young, good looking street urchin. He goes all weak in the knees, beding over backwards to help him. Hey, if you read anything more into that than which was written, that is your own, sick, perverted mind.

Meanwhile, Seth heads up to his room, with a bagel. We find out that Taylor has been living under his bed for the past few days, which is hysterical on every level, especially her response to his bagel: “I asked for an egg white omelet and melon!” Seth is anxious to get Taylor out of his room, since Summer is on her way home from Brown, and Seth was hoping to enjoy a nice Summer breeze in between the sheets. Taylor completely understands, and implies that they need the alone time since the Seth/Summer relationship is going down faster than a new comedy on the FOX line-up. Zing! Seth has no idea what Taylor is talking about, which isn’t surprising since it’s been firmly established that Seth is one of those people who is smart in here (motioning to my head) but not in here (motioning to my heart).

Summer is having a panic attack at the airport about not wanting to come home. She mentions something about the senseless slaughter of turkeys so Americans can get even fatter. I say anything that helps get this American fatter can’t be all that bad. However, as she is on the phone with her father he stumbles upon Kaitlin’s latest surprise: The ugliest dog in the world. She found him on the pier and now loves, loves, loves him. Dr. Roberts tells her to get rid of the stray, but Kaitlin uses the one-two combo of her mother not noticing her and Dr. Roberts’s affair as leverage into keeping the Uggo. Summer hearing the blackmail and general Malcolm in the Middle madness happening at Chez Cooper-Nicholl-Roberts, decides her papa needs her and heads home.

After a confrontation with Dr. Roberts, in which he was curious as to why they were no longer going to the Cohens for Thanksgiving, Julie headed to the grocery store to get some things to prepare a feast spectacular of her own! Of course, Dr. Roberts doesn’t know a thing about Julie’s little “conspiracy to commit murder”, thus the banishment from Cohen Camelot. Regardless, at the store, she runs into Seth and Ryan, who are not finding it too easy to make nice after all that’s gone on in just two short episodes. Seth thanks Julie for the “travel tip” and Julie shuts him up and shoos him away so she and Ryan can speak diabolically over cheese samples. I hear that this is exactly how the Kennedy Assassination was first hatched, over some free Gouda. Julie’s Dick (private, that is) will have a lead on Volchok by day’s end, but until then they’ve got to act totally casual to throw Sandy off their path. Ryan immediately takes off his KILL VOLCHOK shirt.

At the Cohens, KiKi is trying to find Sandy, when she discovers castaway Taylor trying to stuff some stuffing into her mouth. Taylor, the jig is up! She tries escaping, but there is no getting out of a Kirsten confiding session (and who’d want to – they’re just like Sandy Cohen pep talks, except prettier). Over a plate of food, Taylor informs Kirsten that she got married in Paris to an older, charming, well-endowed man named Frenchy LeFrench-French. Taylor wants an annulment, but Monsieur Le French-French is tres stubborn. This leaves Taylor stuck between a rock and a French place, as she can’t return to gay Paris, but can’t go home to her scary mom. Kirsten, always the bright spot, understands that Hitler, I mean, Veronica Townsend can be tough (that’s like calling Paris Hilton “friendly”), but she’s her mother and thus legally and biologically predisposed to loving Taylor. Oh foolish Kirsten! Taylor begs Kirsten to talk to her mother for her, and Kirsten agrees, as long as Taylor helps her cook dinner. Sniff, sniff. I smell spin-off!

Seth takes some iniative and picks up Summer from the airport complete with dozen roses. The “hello” is awkward to say the least as they don’t know if they should hug, kiss or high-five. I was hoping that they’d end in a “body shake” a la Chris Brander and Jamie Palamino, but no such luck (sorry, Just Friends was on this weekend… all weekend). Seth is super stoked about Summer being in town, but Summer is all like, “Ehh, whatevs.”

Meanwhile, Sandy is dealing with The Vol in his office. Sandy calls his bro at the DA office, and tells him he’s got Newport’s A #1 criminal in his custody and is negotiating The Vol’s surrender. First he’ll have to give up his Tribal Tattoo. Then his surfboard. From there they take away his snarl and inner, hidden sensitivity. All of a sudden, BAM, he’s been de-Bad Boy’d! Hurray! The Vol is bummed about still having to do some hard time (and with that pretty face it’s going to be hard, very, very hard time), but after all, he did, like, kind of sort of, kill someone. The Vol doesn’t even care though; he just wants this all to be over. Don’t we all Vol, don’t we all…

Just after Sandy and The Vol leave, Ryan comes by to make peace with Sandy, after telling him that he wants The Vol dead. What Ryan finds, is Sandy and The Vol driving away in Sandy’s car. Ryan is, as Taylor would say, Le Pisst.

Sethala and Sum end up back at his place, wink, wink, where they find that the le chat is out of the bag with Taylor. Upon their arrival, Taylor takes this as the optimal opportunity to drag Kirsten to a forced meeting with the evil Veronica Townsend, which they do, with very little success. Kirsten was able to somewhat soften Ronnie T. for Taylor, but one can never underestimate the power of the Type-A, urban monster.

Seth, never one to miss an opportunity to get his Challah on, tells Summer that the house, most notably, the upstairs has missed her terribly. Summer objects to heading up to the den of love, but Seth says all he needs is five minutes, which I suspect is fairly accurate.

Upstairs, Summer is turning Seth’s whole body blue, by doing some yoga stretches after her long plane ride. They start making kissy face when Summer sees the Atomic County comics poster over Seth bony shoulder and promptly freaks out. She makes up some excuse about homeless people or something, and totally annihilates Seth’s erection. They head out to go volunteer at a homeless shelter, because nothing says sexy reunion like smelly vagrants.

Sandy has just arrived home, getting his first glimpse of the new and less-than-improved Summer in the process. Dubbing her the “young Sandy Cohen,” though seems a bit harsh. Have fun with that mental image, Seth, next time things get hot and heavy with your lady.

Sandy enters the kitchen and let’s Kirsten know that The Vol is in his custody, and later will be handed off to the DA. Can I just say how excited I am that The Vol doesn’t end up at Cohen family Thanksgiving. I really thought that’s where all this was going. Ryan walks in and let’s the Cohens know that he knows that they have The Vol. He also knows they know that he knows that they know he’s a complete tool. Ryan takes the high road in response to Kirsten and Sandy’s declaration of love and protection with: “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I next wanted him to say: “You’re not my real dad!” This leads Ryan on something of an “Atwood Supremacy” checking out old hang outs and seeking out old friends of The Vol.

Taylor returns to Cohens in tears. Apparently, her mother wasn’t as softened as Kirsten had hoped, as she derided Taylor for everything from her lack of responsibility to her inability to ever truly be thin. Kirsten feels for TayTay, telling her she can still with them. “Forever!?!?!” Taylor exclaims, but Kirsten says only for the night. But can you really blame Taylor? I mean, if the Cohens’ told me I could stay with them for the night I would handcuff myself to the toilet so there would be no getting rid of me.

Just then, Summer and Seth enter with a cavalcade of homeless people. It seems that the shelter they went to help had enough volunteers, so Summer brought these guys to the Cohens, where most homeless people (Ryan, Trey, Taylor) end up.

Sandy can’t find Ryan anywhere, so he calls Julie to see if she’s heard from him. Julie plays coy (does Julie play any other way?), but Sandy wrongly assumes that she knows about The Vol’s apprehension. Julie doesn’t and starts to rapidly fall apart. Dr. Roberts comes in to “talk” and in his somewhat smug way assumes that Julie’s disastrous mental state has something to do with his affair with the step monster. I know somewhere in here I’m supposed to mention the fact that Dr. Roberts got a job offer in Seattle at, get this, Seattle Grace. Ehh, clever, but stop trying so hard.

Ryan is coming up empty steel-handed in his motel search for The Vol. Outside of his latest attempt, is Sandy and his eyebrows. They want Ryan to follow him, but Ryan resists. He then realizes that when it comes to the ‘brows, resistance is futile. He goes with Sandy, as he says there is a big surprise Ryan might like.

Julie is full-on woman on the verge, with Kaitlin’s stupid dog sending her over the edge. When she snaps at Kaitlin to get the dog out of the house, Kaitlin’s had enough and declares she’s spending Thanksgiving with the Cohens since “they don’t hate the whole family.” Julie is slowly pulling herself together though, as she stands tall against Dr. Roberts. She tells him that when she returns she wants him out of the house. Dr. Roberts states that the house is his, but Julie has other ideas.

At the same time as Dr. Roberts was trying to get through to Julie, Seth was trying desperately to get through to Summer. She keeps on teetering on the verge of spilling it all to Seth and keeping it all bottled up inside. It’s totally awesome, by the way, that this whole episode is about Marissa, and yet her name is not uttered. I can’t tell if it’s kind of like Voldermort, where it’s just too scary to even say the words Marissa Cooper, or it’s a Beetlejuice fear. Say her name three times and she shows up. Yikes.

Sandy has decided to go balls out on this whole Ryan’s not a killer thing, taking him to the hotel he has The Vol stashed. Ryan says that, “if this is a dare, I’m gonna take it.” But Sandy all but guarantees us that Ryan won’t do anything to harsh to The Vol, by letting Ryan out the car with a nice, “I trust you.” Damn, it’s like Kryptonite to Kid Chino.

Ryan lets himself into The Vol’s room, and gives him a good punch in the face. The Vol says he’s been waiting for a long time for this. So have we! Kill him Ryan! Kill him! It seems that in the battle for Ryan Atwood’s soul, I have landed firmly on the side of demons. AND I LIKE IT!. My favorite part of this episode is when Ryan’s got The Vol down on the floor, and Ryan grabs an empty beer bottle and smashes it and shoves it in The Vol’s face. This is funny for a number of reasons. The more obvious one is the immortal scene in Happy Gilmore when Happy does the same thing to Shooter McGavin. Secondly, and far more personal, would be the naming of this particular move by my dear friend Marisa’s boyfriend Adam’s best friend Joe: “The Smash and Stab.” We are now constantly having delusions of smashing and stabbing numerous annoying individuals at numerous bars around the tri-state area. So thank you, Happy. Thank you, Joe. And now, thank you, Ryan.

But will Ryan do it? Granted my friends and I never have the balls to actually do any smashing or stabbing – however in our defense, someone cutting in line at the bar is slightly less smash and stab-worth than someone killing your girlfriend in a car accident, but I digress. The Vol wants Ryan to do it, he wants him to stab him and just end it all. And so do I. Sadly, The Vol and I lose. They make nicey, nicey, with The Vol saying it was all just an accident. This seems like a shocking bit of breaking news to Ryan. An accident, you say? You mean to tell me that you didn’t MEAN to kill Marissa in a horrific car crash? I can’t believe that this is a scenario that Ryan, even in his anger, hadn’t entertained. Whatever, it gives him some closure, The Vol goes to jail, Ryan apologizes to Sandy and Sandy gets to tell Ryan he’s proud of him. All is well in the world.

Here’s where the heartbreak begins. Summer has fled Seth and his comfort, to go home where she finds Julie sitting, at a beautifully set table, all by her lonesome. It’s kind of awful, in the best way possible. Summer sits with her, and takes Julie’s hand. Julie says to Summer, “We can’t keep going on like this.”

At the Cohens dinner is served and lots of cute things happen. Sandy defended one of the homeless guys! One of the homeless guys recognizes Kaitlin’s dog as his own! The only good thing is that Kaitlin is immediately enamored with Taylor. Who isn’t?

Meanwhile, Summer is leaving Seth a message, as Taylor shut off his cell phone, so he could give Summer some time to deal with her grief on her own. Summer cops to pulling away and needing to deal with Coop’s death. She ends the message with: “I just… miss my friend.” Summer! Stop! You’re killing me! Luckily, the blatant product placement of having Dr. & Summer Roberts head into the airport Chili’s for dinner (complete with “I love Chili’s” quote), cuts the tenderness.

Off to Seattle Grace? Hilarious!

During dinner, the doorbell ring and a teary Julie is there. Sandy isn’t impressed by her show of emotions, but she genuinely apologizes, and Sandy invites her in. Kristen tells Sandy to get Julie a chair but she doesn’t want to sit, she wants to see Ryan.

The formerly terrible twosome goes into the pool house, and Julie asks Ryan: “Tell me about her.” Her being she who must not be named, of course. Ryan, handling all this a lot better than Julie (too well, perhaps), tells her about the first time he ever saw Coop, and for once this show harks back to olden days (that classic first meeting) without making me cringe for days gone by. I also love that when Ryan describes seeing Marissa for the first time he says: “I thought she was really… well, I thought she was really hot.” Cause, come on, isn’t that exactly what he WOULD HAVE thought? I’m just glad we avoided any kind of, “she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen” or “I fell in love with her” bullshit.

Can you say on a roll? And get this, this week is supposed to be even better! Can’t wait.