Recap: The OC: Viva La Atwood!

You know what the best part about writing a recap that only 6 people read? That basically sense can be thrown out the window. And that’s pretty much the order of the day with this week’s The O.C. recap. So while we’ll be discussing what happened with Che and Seth went on a spirit quest in the Rocky Mountain region of Newport, how exactly Julie got her groove back, what the h-e double hockey sticks is going on with Taylor and Ryan and whether or not Kaitlyn is going to RUN IT! with Chris Brown, there is also a very good chance that I’ll also be using this space to list my grocery shopping for the week. Or perhaps a dissertation on why Matt Saracen is the best quarterback in all of (fake) Texas. So let’s enjoy a nice rundown of all the goings ons in Newport with a splash of the Alien invasion that I have made up in my mind. Or maybe I won’t mention any of that! Find out after the jump!So The O.C. is still doing that annoying thing when Ryan and Seth are talking about Taylor and Summer while at the same exact time Taylor and Summer are talking about Ryan and Seth, and splitting back and forth between both convos. I guess it’s a little moot to even complain at this point. It’s like asking Isaiah Wasington to start calling T.R. Knight, T.R. instead of, you know, that other favorite word of his. It’s just not going to happen. Seth is bummed out by Summer’s rejection of his proposal, and a wee bit confused as to what the status of their relationship is. Can you even still be dating someone who has refused your engagement proposal? The answer is: No. We learned that on Kate & Allie years ago. Meanwhile, Taylor is starting to get annoyed that Ryan hasn’t returned any of her 17 phone calls. I guess Ryan I still a little peeved that Taylor lied to Henri-Michel about Ryan’s intellectual prowess. I thought Ryan was one of those “high test scores” kids, who despite being white trash is also wicked smart. Anyway, these kids are all mature enough to hit a keg party without letting any booze touch their lips, but not quite mature enough to pick up the phone to settle things in their respective love lives.

Later that day, Summer tracks down Ryan at El Pavo Guapo (he sure does work a lot), to get to the bottom of their relationship woes. Ryan has taken the General Hospital logic route and decided to ignore Taylor until Henri-Michel heads back to Paris. Summer hates to be the bearer of bad news, but Henri-Michel ain’t going anywhere. He’s actually renting a house in Newport, and has asked Taylor to move in with him. Sacre Bleu!

Meanwhile, avoiding annihilation from the alien invaders from the evil Decepticons, Seth heads over to Summer’s to start smoothing things out. Unfortunately, the only alien he finds is Che. He was channeling Seth’s vibes all the way from Providence, and sensing a rift in the time continuum head over to Newport to get Seth back in touch with his inner man animal. Or something. I don’t really know; it didn’t make too much sense. Damn hippies.

At the yacht club, Taylor is having lunch with Henri-Michel. She’s beginning to think that although Henri-Michel is smarmy and she doesn’t love him, and ugh, French, that maybe he’s the better choice in the Ryan vs. Henri-Michel race. She doesn’t really believe it of course, because, like I said, Henri-Michel is French. However, he is able to tell Taylor that she loves him, and that is something that melts Taylor’s hoo-hah.

At Harbor, Kaitlyn is positively beaming over both her first true A and her nerd-tastic boyfriend (and pop singing sensation!) Will. The moment is all but ruined by band nerdette, Lucy, who comes over to congratulate Will on being totally awesome, and giving Kaitlyn some nice death stares. She also invites Will to a bake sale on Friday to support the band on their quest for world domination.

Julie is still in the dog house with Kirsten, so she keeps calling her to try and apologize, but Kirsten and the veins in her face aren’t having any of it. Now I love Kirsten, but doesn’t anyone else find her a little scary when not done up/lit properly? There’s something vaguely Jack Skellington about her.

Ryan decides to bite the bullet and put his blue balls before his pride and head over to the Cooper residence (Roberts residence?) to see Taylor. The only thing he finds, however, is Kaitlyn skateboarding in the driveway. Let me type that again: Kaitlyn skateboarding in the driveway. Of all the things that have ever happened on The O.C. – Oliver going psycho, Julie sleeping with Luke, Mischa Barton portraying a human being – this is the least believable. Anyway, Ryan asks for Taylor, but Kaitlyn informs him that she’s over at Frenchy Le French’s place. Kaitlyn offers some unsolicited advice and tells Ryan to express what he can’t in words with gifts.

Seth has finally found Summer, who is ready for a little bit of cuddle time. As a matter of fact, Summer has created a magical evening involving all the things Seth loves most: Whiny music, Thai food, sexually provocative stuffed animals. When all this doesn’t start to turn Seth’s motor on, he knows something must be wrong. He heads downstairs to Che, who promises to begin healing him first thing in the morning.

The next morning, Summer is leaving a message for Seth telling him she doesn’t believe his lame excuse for leaving their sex date abruptly. She then finds a letter from Che telling her that he has taken Seth on a forest adventure to release his spirit.

Ryan decides that perhaps he should unleash a little spirit himself, and goes to Henri-Michel’s in the hopes of wooing Taylor. Sadly, Taylor isn’t around, and Ryan only has a run-in with the surprisingly not-punched-yet Henri-Michel. Even more sadly, Ryan’s gift for Taylor was a tiny stuffed teddy bear holding gummy bears and a balloon that says: “Thanks!” That may have been my favorite part of the episode.

Kirsten gets a phone call from Spencer, who is trapped in Mexico. He needs to speak with Julie ASAP, because one of his buddies, who was Julie’s Mister of the Night, has the little C: Chlamydia. Kirsten needs to call all of Chas’ lady friends and tell them of the eventual burning down below.

At Harbor, Kaitlyn is prepping herself for her next class by reapplying her shade of baby prostitute lip gloss, when Lucy and two of her band geek friends enter the bathroom. Is there anything scarier than a geek holding a trumpet? I think not. Luckily, Kaitlyn is a little tougher than I am, and isn’t all that intimidated by her socially inferior counterparts. Lucy tells Kaitlyn that she might want to think twice about showing her face at the bake sale on Friday. Because if she does, the only crescendo she’ll be hearing will be at the end of Lucy’s nerdy fists! It now becomes painfully clear as to what Kaitlyn has to do: Go to the Bake Sale on Friday.

Kirsten, still furious about my Jack Skellington reference, phones Julie to tell her about the little C breakout. Julie tells Kirsten that she’ll drop off Chas’ client list later on, but Kirsten says no way Jose, which really insults her Puerto Rican cleaning guy. Julie comes up with a compromise: They’ll do the dirty work together.

Ryan had gone over to Summer’s in order to get her to call Taylor over so he and Taylor could have a talk. It’s the second Ryan and Summer scene of the night, and it makes me happy. I think theirs is the most genuinely natural friendship on the show. Simple and deep. I love it. Summer plies Taylor over with promises of caviar and quail, and when she arrives she is none too pleased to see Ryan there. Ryan apologizes for being a total douche bag, saying that how they feel is much more important then what they have in common. Taylor calls Ryan’s bluff and decides to let him express how he feels. Unfortunately, despite his promise to Summer not to choke, he can’t put the words together to tell Taylor that he thinks she’s pretty swell. No matter! Henri-Michel has written a love poem about Taylor (lame) and he is ready to shout it from the rooftops. Or from the podium of the local bookstore.

At the Bake Sale, Katilyn comes in to spoil the Lucy and the Nerdettes’ fine time with King of the Nerds, Chris Brown. When Chris Brown is out of earshot, Kaitlyn lets the ladies know she’s only there to be a bitch. The Nerdettes decide to threaten Kaitlyn again so she informs them that their hats are lame. OH NO SHE DIDN’T! When Chris Brown gets back, Lucy tattles on Kaitlyn, but unfortunately for Lucy, Chris Brown knows a thing or two about lame, and agrees with Kaitlyn. This sends Lucy out of the bake sale in tears, and brings out Katilyn’s inner nice girl. Boo! Kaitlyn tracks down Lucy by the massive trail of nerd she leaves behind her, to the girl’s room. Lucy is crying, so Kaitlyn tries to console her. And before you can say uneasy friendship, Lucy turns on Kaitlyn telling her that she isn’t good enough for Chris Brown. He is a platinum selling R&B sensation after all! Kaitlyn makes Chris Brown want to change everything that is good about him. The truth, much like Lucy’s annoyingly squeaky voice, hits a Kaitlyn a little too hard and she storms out of the bathroom, claiming that Lucy doesn’t know what the f-bomb she’s talking about.

After various misadventures involving Seth and Che running around the forest trying to heal Seth’s animal spirit, the two schmocks finally head into Locke’s voodoo tent from Lost and Seth has Dreamquest. He sees an empty Cohen house, but finds his animal self: an otter. Was anyone else concerned mildly that he was going to find his one true love: Ryan? Anyway, when Seth comes to this has healed his bruised ego and limp penis, but something about the Seth animal self being an otter worries Che.

After a chat with Sandy at the beach, Ryan realizes how lame his THANKS! Teddy Bear was. Sandy gives him some sage advice, fulfilling Peter Gallagher’s contract which unfortunately

makes it mandatory for him to appear in every episode. Knowing that his may be his last chance with Taylor, Ryan heads to Henri-Michel’s French Poetry Jam. Henri-Michele spouts on and on about Taylor and her peaches, but before the desperate housewives in the audience can start throwing their Target panties at Henri-Michel, Ryan proclaims that he too has a poem. And his rhymes! Of course, Ryan freezes, but is saved by Taylor, who reads his poem aloud: There once was a boy from Chino… the gist of the poem is that he can’t tell her he loves her yet, but he hopes to one day soon. All together: Awww.

Kirsten and Julie are almost done with their tour of E!’s 25 Most Slutty Newport Milfs, when Kirsten spots Spencer who is supposedly sojourning in Mexico. It then comes to light that Julie got Spencer to call Kirsten with the fake little C outbreak. It might have been desperate and scumbaggy but well, how else can one describe Julie Cooper-Nicholl-Roberts-Cooper? She might be a scheming bitch from hell, but she’s Kirsten’s scheming bitch from hell. All is good in the Motherhood of the Traveling Pants.

On the beach (but thankfully not at the GD lifeguard stand), Kaitlyn breaks up with Chris Brown. She suggests that maybe he might have more in common with the Lucy girl. Kaitlyn leaves Chris Brown, who oddly, starts singing his Top 10 hit Say Goodbye.

At the Roberts Manse, Seth has returned and is ready to canoodle with Summer now that he’s spanked his inner otter. Che however, is a bit more concerned. He informs Julie that in his own vision quest his animal self fell in love with… an otter!

Closing things down for the night are Taylor and Ryan. Taylor explains that hearing Henri-Michel tell her he loves her made her complete. She totally understands that Ryan can’t say it to her, but she needs to hear it. She needs it bad. Almost too bad. They break-up. I think.

So only 5 more episodes left people! Show some love!!!