Ryan Atwood Has a Shallow Vagina

We are now in the middles of a sort of renaissance on The OC. And while I have a feeling that the writers are going to be doing this each and every season that the show is in existence, I am not going to complain now that things appear to be in order. Well, maybe I will still have a few complaints. While we have cleaned up most of the stuff that has been dragging the show down, there is still a few things that we can can deal with. Chief among these problems is Ryan Atwood. For some time, I have tried to put my finger on what exactly Ryan’s ailment is. What makes him such a drag to be around? Why is he so self-righteous? Why must he act like he is 45 when he is only 17? It’s taken many, many, hours of research, but the TVgasm research staff has come up with the answer. Ryan Atwood has a shallow vagina.I know what you are saying. Ben McKenzie is so dreamy, you say, he can’t have a vagina. Well, we are not talking about Ben McKenzie, we are talking about Ryan Atwood. You say that Ryan Atwood got Theresa pregnant. Well, the fertility clinic does it with a turkey baster, how do we know that isn’t what Ryan did? You say that we have no evidence. Ah ha! We do have evidence, and I will make my case throughout this post. In fact, after reading through my case, you may find it interesting to go back through old episodes, and I am sure you will find even more examples to corroborate my theory. A shallow vagina would surely explain why Seth is so attracted to Ryan. Sure, my evidence is largely circumstantial, but still very compelling nonetheless.

Trey is finally moving out of the Cohen. Considering the range of things that might happen after you house an ex-con in your home, you really have to say that Trey’s stay with the Cohen’s was uneventful. Sure Ryan and crew had to coverup when Trey committed a felony burglary. Everybody wants Trey to do well and is trying to help him in his adjustment. Everybody, that is, except his own brother. Why is Ryan such an asshole? Trey is really trying to do the right thing, but he is having a hard time. His only real family is thinks he is guilty before proven innocent. Ryan is not so far removed from his own life of crime. Doesn’t he remember when people were blaming him for houses that were on fire and almost anything else that was going wrong in Newport even when they had no proof? Ryan must have a memory that doesn’t go very far back. You could say his memory was as brief as his shallow vagina.

Since his memory is so short, Ryan has no problem disparaging his brother around anybody. When he is talking with Marissa and Seth at school, you can tell they are like “What is the problem with this guy?”. Seriously. Wouldn’t it just be easier for Ryan to help his brother with his problems than to let him spiral into isolation and a life of crime that would lead to more jail? Isn’t that what got him onto the straight and narrow? Perhaps he is worried that if he helps Trey out, Trey will become even more self-righteous that he is and then Ryan wouldn’t be so popular at parties anymore.

Seth has his own issues to deal with. Carter Buckley not only gave him and Zach a great introduction into a graphic novel publisher, he also go them a meeting. The only trouble is that Summer really doesn’t want Seth to go back into the comic book business. (I realize comic books and graphic novels are different, but for the sake of this recap, they will be the same). The last time he and Zach worked together, it drove her and Zach apart. Now, it just so happened that Summer wanted to be with Seth anyway, but she knows that he tends to lost focus in these sorts of situations. To combat this, she takes the tried and true approach of ignoring the problem. If she doesn’t know about any of it, she won’t have to worry about any of the drama. Needless to say, Seth and Zach are really stoked about the whole thing. They thank God that Summer is going to give them very little trouble, even less trouble than if you were trying to find the end of Ryan’s shallow vagina.

Although Ryan wants to disown his brother, there are some people that want to help him out, and are, you know, friendly. One of these people is Marissa. Maybe she just likes the people that live in that apartment (remember, it used to belong to Alex), but she goes over to visit Trey and see how he is doing and give him a little bit of a housewarming present. A housewarming gift is just what Trey needed. He is happy to see Marissa when she arrives, and is even happier to add that laval lamp she is bringing to the other piece of furniture he owns – a bean bag chair. Trey probably should spend some more time filling up his apartment, because it has a lot of space, much more space than his brother Ryan’s shallow vagina. Marissa learns that it is going to be Trey’s birthday and they make some other small talk. They were trying very hard not to have any awkward silences, because that would mean they would have to have sex. Just as an awkward silence is about to creep in, Marissa leaves, and it may have been just me, but I think Trey was checking out her ass. And it may still be just me, but I also think Trey and Marissa would would be a great couple.


Zach and Seth go to meet Reed Carlson, who was Carter Buckley’s old assistant. The are well prepared for this, because all these young comic book executives are all the same. I am sure he went to Vassar, drives a Jetta (black, 1.8 Turbo), and tells everybody that he was listening to the Killers like 4 years ago. Well, I would be wrong, because Reed turned out to be a woman, and she was very hot. If Madeliene Stowe and Monica Bellucci had a lovechild, it would be Reed Carlson. As predicted, both guys get extremely excited at the thought of this hot woman who happens to be into comics, and it just happens that they will be working very closely with her.

Now, if you are Seth and you are with the girl of your dreams, don’t you think you would be happy to see your single friend and business partner take interest in another girl? When you consider that the girl he was going with is the girl of your dreams and you took her away from him, wouldn’t it have been easy to let him have this one? Knowing that he had a very difficult time getting over the girl of your dreams, why not let him have a little fun, especially since it is not likely this young executive is going to be anything more than friends with either of you?

Obviously, this is all too much to ask from Seth. Maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase, but it seems like he is not content staying with a woman for very long. His relationships never last a very long length of time, even less time that it would take to travel the length of his friend Ryan’s shallow vagina. Seth and Zach immediately start into it, even though it appears as if Reed is more interested in Zach than Seth.

Since Marissa cares about Ryan so much, she really wants him to feel happy. She knows how it feels to be separated from your sibling – her sister has been away at boarding school since, well, ever. She also knows how difficult it is to be at odds with a relative – she has been fighting with her mom forever as well. She visits Ryan, who looks like he just got back from a Pearl Jam concert with his flannel shirt and thermal undershirt. (Also, would it be that hard for him to spend like $5 on a decent haircut one of these days?). Marissa tells Ryan that it might be a good idea to throw Trey a small birthday party. He doesn’t really have friends and it might help him adjust. Instead of being happy that somebody is trying to help his brother, Ryan is upset. He told Marissa not to see Trey, and she went anyway. He gets so upset, he starts making his patented Ryan Atwood “I am from Chino, therefore I hold moral authority” face. It seems like he is going to snap. I think he has a very short fuse. You got it! Almost as short as his shallow vagina.

Julie Cooper came home early from her trip to Europe, but Caleb didn’t come with her. Since the vacation was largely for her, you sort of wonder what the point was in coming back early. When she goes to find a gun from storage, you have some sort of idea. She seeks out Lance, and is about to show him why he should have left Newport. She takes aim straight for his chest and pulls the trigger. Now Julie is evil, but she isn’t a monster, the gun had no bullets. Lance almost has a heart attack, and that is exactly what Julie wants. He destroyed her life in one night, and she wants him to feel what it’s like to have no control over his life.

Remember how I said earlier that Summer decided she wanted nothing to do with the graphic novel? After talking with Marissa, she changed her mind. She wanted to be as involved as possible. If she was interested, it would show Seth just how much she cared about him. Normally, this would have made Seth very happy, but he wanted to keep Reed a secret from Summer. It probably would have paid to be honest, but Seth doesn’t want the hottest comic book-loving woman on the west coast to fall into the hands of his friend. His own girlfriend is arguably just as good looking, and actually enjoys sex with him, but the comics! The comics would make it all better. To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, love is between a man and a woman, not a man and his graphic novel.

Seth is explaining all of this to Ryan, who is telling him he should just let it go, when Sandy comes home. Sandy is now BFF with Carter, which you think would be great for everybody, but Kirsten has a problem with it. Even though she only had a mild crush and nothing ever happened between her and Carter, she can’t stand Sandy hanging out with him. Why Sandy being friends with Carter is so much worse than when he was friends with Jimmy Cooper, I’ll never know. But anyway, Sandy sends the boys to get Thai food because nobody in the Cohen house has enough patience to cook. Cooking makes the Cohen’s frustrated, probably not unlike when a man with a normal-sized penis feels frustration when trying have sex with Ryan and his shallow vagina.

I was wondering why Sandy didn’t just get the Thai food delivered, but you could understand. Seth and Ryan are always playing video games on the television in the house. When is Sandy ever going to have time to catch up with Larry King Live? The Thai place also happens to be quite the short ride away from from Trey’s apartment. Seth finally gets Ryan to go and say hello, but when they go there, they see some commotion inside. Now I thought that perhaps he was showing Marissa a good time on the bean bag, but it turned out that wasn’t the case. Instead, he came outside and got into a vintage firebird, sort of like they used in Smokey and the Bandit (maybe it was a camaro, but I didn’t pay attention).

Ryan and Seth follow Trey, and we see him going into some back alley and giving some money to a guy who looks very strung out. The evidence is plenty for Ryan. Trey is back to his old tricks, hanging with the wrong crowd. He bursts into Trey’s apartment the next morning and starts throwing around accusations. One of these days, Ryan is going to learn how he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. The guy in the firebird was Trey’s parole office. Apparently Trey was looking for a friend of his from prison, and asked his parole officer for help locating him. Trey’s friend is homeless and Trey just wanted to give him a few bucks.

This is about the millionth time this season that Ryan has been a self-righteous asshole, and you think that after accusing his brother of such shit, he would just apologize and try to make it up to him. Instead, Ryan leaves. Trey is disgusted, and slams the door shut before Ryan can say anything else. Ryan does finally understand that he is wrong, and crawls back, asking Marissa for some hlep. He feels like he won’t get very far with Trey, much like it would be difficult to get very far when you are having sex with Ryan and his shallow vagina. They decide to throw a party for Trey in hopes that things may get better from here on out.

Marissa picks Trey up and takes him back to her house. There, he sees his brother, Summer, and Seth there to give him a little happy birthday surprise. Ryan doesn’t know what to do, but Trey is not that hard to please. Even though his brother has showed no faith in him, Trey is elated at even the smallest displays of affection. He gives Ryan a big hug, and the party is about to begin. Julie has to leave the house, but she tells Marissa that since Trey is turning 21, he can have a drink if he wants.

So what is Julie doing out? Lance said that he had to see her. He ends up giving her back all of the copies of the sex tape that he had made. He never wanted to ruin her life, he just wanted money, and he only embarrassed her at the party because Caleb had screwed him out of his money *and* had him beaten up. Soon, they start to get all nostalgic. Although I think this scene was more for the writers, who have seemed dying to get to write “Whitesnake” and “Poison” into some dialogue, Julie is truly happy just dancing there in the arms of her new hero Lance. She has tried so hard to build her life up from nothing, and it seems like she is about to lose everything – again. Caleb would barely look at her in Europe, and she is still a disgrace in town.

While the two of them get drunk, Lance starts getting nostalgic as well. He remembers how he used to feel when he was going out with Julie before, and those feelings seem to be coming back. He wants to do anything for Julie, and when he hears that Caleb may divorce Julie and leave her with nothing, he starts to get upset. Lance is a pretty extreme guy, and he tells Julie that he is willing to kill Caleb if it means that they might have a future together. WHOA!

Now as exciting as all of that shit is, the shit going down at the Cooper-Nichol mansion is even crazier. We learned in season one that as soon as somebody in The OC hears “party”, any small gathering soon turns into a full on rager, Trey’s party included. Soon, it seems as if anybody between the ages of 16 and 25 is partying in Marissa’s house.

If there is anything that shows the writers have realized that the season one formula works for the show, it is this party. We see all of the crazier elements of Newport Beach. Some teenage girls are making out over here, some teenage guys are doing coke over there. Everybody is drinking, and the water polo players even start to mess with Seth. It’s just like old times. Ryan is sick of fighting now, much like you, the reader, are sick of me making jokes about his shallow vagina, but Trey is still up to the challenge. He beats up the water polo player, then nearly chokes the life out of him. Needless to say, they will probably not bother with Seth again.

After displaying his manly prowess, a nice little piece of ass comes up to him, and makes a sort of proposition. Her boyfriend is nearby, but if they go somewhere more private, maybe she’ll show him a good time. Almost everybody knows that this girl is underage, and I am sure Trey knows as well, but he is not letting that stop him. He takes her up to Marissa’s room, and they make themselves comfortable on the bed, in full view of Marissa’s care bear.

The night was full of surprise encounters, much how somebody would be surprised when they first learn about Ryan Atwood and his shallow vagina. Summer is powdering her nose when she bumps into Reed. When Seth had a meeting with Reed earlier that day, he not only failed to mention to Reed that he had a girlfriend, but lied to Summer when she asked him who he was talking to. Summer had seen Reed and Zach together earlier, so they get to talking. Then she learns that she is the Reed that Seth has been talking about.

Summer storms off to find Seth, but he has his own problems. He not only lied about Summer to Reed, he also lied about Zach to Reed. When Zach sees him, he asks why Seth made up all of these lies about him. After hearing read praise Zach’s business plan, Seth said Zach really only went to get coffee, and he thinks that he may be gay. Reed told all of this to Zach, and Zach is upset with Seth for not only getting in between him and a girl once again, but also because he is going to put the kibosh on any sort of business relationship they thought they might have salvaged. Zach sees Reed and they are about to leave, when Summer runs after them and asks for a ride home. Seth is left with nothing now. But at least he has Ryan, and it always makes Seth happy thinking about that wonderfully Shallow vagina Ryan has.

Ryan is talking with Marissa. As crazy as everything is, the night turned out pretty well. He and Trey have the beginnings of a relationship, and he and Marissa are getting closer. They go up to her room for some privacy, and after kicking some more people out of her bed, they are about to have that first kiss that so many people have been waiting for. Unfortunately, some girl is found floating in the pool. It’s the girl Trey had been seen with earlier, and she is face down and doesn’t look like she is breathing.

Back at the Cohen house, Sandy gets the call to get over to the part and straighten shit out. He had arranged for him and Kirsten to play host for Carter and this hot young orthopedist that they bumped into earlier in the week while surfing. The dinner was a disaster for Kirsten, and she started her boozing early. When Sandy left, Kirsten started to talk about Carter to the orthopedist. Basically, Kirsten was trying to sabotage the relationship, saying Carter has a lot of baggage and had a messy divorce. I think it would have been easier on Kirsten if Carter was happy with somebody else, but apparently she doesn’t think that is the case. I am not sure if the orthopedist will be back, but she did serve a purpose. Everybody has been claiming there aren’t enough minorities in the show, and this woman had the racial ambiguity you need when trying to answer questions like that. Is she half-black? part-asian? Latina? Persian? You just don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back every few weeks as a different race, just to appease the viewers, but we know you won’t be fooled, just like you won’t be fooled if you run into Ryan Atwood and he tries to convince you that he has a normal-sized vagina.

When Sandy gets to the house, the cops are there, as well as the paramedics. The girl didn’t die, but they found a lot of drugs, and they had to get some answers from people. Julie couldn’t be reached, and Sandy wasn’t owner of the house. They were going to have to take in Marissa if they didn’t find the person responsible for distributing the drugs. Trey saw what was about to happen, so he confessed to handing out the drugs and was taken into custody.

We all saw the look on Ryan’s face. He can’t believe that Trey lied to him, again. Maybe next week Ryan will actually believe his brother and get to the bottom of things(just like….oh, never mind), but I am not holding out hope. We also know that Trey didn’t do anything, and I am not so sure that Trey even had sex with the girl. Will the writers take us on another journey through the “Ryan please believe me story line”? Who knows, but between that, more Seth and Summer drama, and a possible plot to kill Caleb Nichol, I think we have a lot to look forward too next week.

As for Ryan’s shallow vagina, I guess I didn’t really make up a case for it as much as I just made a lot of jokes about Ryan having a shallow vagina for no reason at all. It may not be true, but it’s not totally implausible. I don’t think that anybody can prove that Ryan doesn’t have a shallow vagina. Until somebody comes up with an alternate theory to his suckiness, that is my story, and I’m sticking to it.

“Hey!” Count: Episode – 22, Season Total – 251 [thanks for the reminder canuck]