When Mom and Dad are Away

Is it just me, or is emasculation a all too regular occurrence on The OC over the first couple of seasons? Where have all the assholes gone? Last year we had Luke, but he got in touch with himself and lives in Portland. Ryan used to be a tough guy, but after that pregnancy scare, he seems to have no need to rebel any longer. Seth? Oh come on, don’t make me laugh. Where are the bad guys? Even Caleb has settled down, unwilling to ruffle any feathers since he is still trying to explain this whole “I had a bastard child 16 years ago” thing. What we have left is Julie Cooper, who is a great villian, but she has to do too much work, even though she seems to have the balls to do it. With that said, let’s tune into another episode of the men of the OC, and how powerless they are when it comes to the women in their lives.We started the episode in a very familiar way – at the Cohen breakfast table, but there seemed to be something strangely missing from the whole scene. Like Seth. Ryan is about to have some cereal, but where is Seth to complete the little Abbot and Costello routine? Well, it turns out that Seth had escaped to Alex’s place, and by the looks of they have been using those interlocking body parts of theirs to mutual satisfaction. Seth calls Ryan to ask for him to cover with his parents, because like me, they are going to be quite surprised when he is not at the breakfast table before we go to our first commercial break. Ryan does attempt to cover for Seth, but he fails miserably. He says that Seth left early for school to do a report on the history of agriculture in 20th century California. For some reason, Ryan is a terrible liar. I guess all of that time with Theresa didn’t teach him anything. Coming up with an excuse for a friend’s absence is nothing like faking a miscarriage. I think it is just another notch in his sanctimonious belt.

At Harbor, we soon learn that nighttime liaisons are not Seth’s forte either. Maybe it’s just his first time, but how can somebody not have the good sense to bring a new shirt or something if you are planning at sleeping over at your girl’s house? You have a backpack, throw some Right Guard and shirt in there so you aren’t such a dirt bag the next day at school. And let’s hope to God that he brought a toothbrush, or at least did the “toothpaste on the finger” trick, although depending on where his fingers have been, it may have been better not to. Anyway, it’s quite evident that Seth is definitely “morning after”, which of course upsets Summer. She has had a ride on the Seth train, and has not yet had a chance to give Zach a ride. Again, I start to wonder just how savvy Summer is. Surely she should know by now that she can get her man to do anything after a blow job or two. Things haven’t changed that much since I graduated, have they?

Although Sandy and Kirsten are upset about Seth, they each have have more important things on their mind. Basically, Sandy not only forgot that he was about to have another wedding anniversary, but he forgot that it was their twentieth anniversary. Sandy tries to convince Kirsten that he did remember, but it was such a big surprise that he didn’t want to ruin the surprise by mentioning it. Uh, yeah.

Sandy is convinced that he has to come down hard on Seth and Ryan for lying. Hey, I don’t blame him. Alex has so far led Seth to drinking and auto theft, armed robbery and homicide are the only things left, or at least that’s what the Natural Born Killers school of parenting has me to believe. Sandy grounds them both, meaning no video games, no going out, etc., etc. The only thing they can do is study. He says that if they can’t behave, he is going to have them stay at their grandfather’s house, which means they will be under the supervision of Julie Cooper. It’s more than enough to keep them in line, or at least that’s what we think.

Well, luckily for Ryan, his study partner also happens to be his main source of nookie, meaning she should have no problem sneaking by the guards, which is of course the case. (By the way, I really hope Lindsay goes shopping with Kirsten more often. Lindsay must have found the slutty top section of the mall because she was bustin out all over the place.) Ryan and Lindsay are still having some reservations about revealing their relationship to Kirsten, so they are still trying to hide the fact that they are an item. But why wait? Wouldn’t it be even more cruel to lull her into some sense of normalcy, then pull that rug out from under her? And why is Kirsten so sensitive? One of her sisters spent the summer sleeping with her high school boyfriend, is it that strange to see your other sister with your adopted son? If she was pregnant, then I would start worrying.

Anyway, Lindsay comes over to “study”. And in the history of high school romance, there has never been a boyfriend and girlfriend pair who are ever able to study in one of another’s bedroom. It’s more than obvious that they are soon going to be all over each other, and that turns out to be the case. It’s also not a surprise that Kirsten walks in on them as they are in the middle of their little make out session. Can somebody remind me why Ryan hasn’t learned how to use the locks on his door as of yet? Kirsten can’t look, but what she sees is not nearly as bad as what happens when Sandy went to check on Seth. Despite being warned about Julie Cooper, Sandy caught Seth just as he was about to step out of his window. Once again, these kids fail high school 101. You wait until your parents are asleep before you sneak out. Parents are old, and they get up early. These guys are so inept, they probably can’t even forge doctor’s notes when they want to skip class, not that I would know if that was easy or not.

I also have a little problem with Ryan’s choice of music during his little tussle in the sheets. Come on! Journey!. I know that Laguna Beach is 99% white, but SOMEBODY in that town should have some soul, at least when they are about to get between the sheets. Let me suggest some Al Green, perhaps the Isley Brothers? And if you aren’t that old school or original, there is a little something called Urban Hang Suite, that never disappoints. If for nothing else than my own sanity, please let me know that TVgasm readers aren’t doing the nasty to such bad music. It hurts me. Save the Journey for your seventh grade dances. That’s all for now from the J-Unit Public Service Announcement Department.

OK, back on topic. To try and make up for their transgressions, Ryan and Seth make a pancake breakfast the next day. They promise that they have learned from their mistakes, and they are ready for whatever punishment is to be dealt. Sandy is not convinced(an did throw a slightly out of place Nazi humor in the mix), and later that day, he goes to see Alex at the bait shop. He convinces her to think a little bit about what is going on with her and Seth. I guess I can see why Sandy is upset about his son and what’s going on, but as long as his grades aren’t dropping and he isn’t doing drugs, what is so bad with a little bit of play every now and then? Alex takes the hint and effectively breaks up with Seth when he goes to visit her at her house after school.

Despite all of his good work, Sandy still fights with Kirsten. In light of the new evidence, she decided that there is no way they can leave for the weekend on their little spa vacation that Sandy had planned. She cancelled the trip because she can’t stand the thought of them alone, having sex with people old enough to be her sister. You know, Sandy is a lawyer, but he can’t figure out that he can get Kirsten out of the house fairly easily? We all know she drinks like a fish when she is under high stress, so why can’t he just fill her up with wine and whisk her away while she sleeps one off?

Meanwhile, Summer wishes that somebody was telling her to stop banging Zach, largely because it would mean that she would have to be banging Zach in order for somebody to tell them to stop. She tried dropping a few hints on her boy about taking their relationship to the next level, but for Zach, that only meant introducing Summer to his mom and sister. When it came time for the big day, it turns out that Zach’s dad was still tied up in Washington, and only his mom and sister were there to meet her. Now Summer is one perky girl, but her grasp on human and world events is sort of limited. Not because she is dumb, but because she has lived the spoiled and sheltered life like most people in her town. So when Zach’s sister asked her about Kashmir, the disputed region of India, Summer thought she was talking about cashmere, the undisputed king of sweaters the world over. I was quickly tired of how righteous Zach’s sister was. She was so proud of how she was helping out poor villages in India, I thought to myself “Good job. 50 down, only 800 million left that are living in poverty. Aren’t YOU the hero?”.

Summer is convinced that Zach is going to break up with her, and she is not the only one who is thinking the same thing. Ryan saw how much of a problem Kirsten had with his relationship with Lindsay, so he broke up with her, saying he needed some “Time and Space”. This came as a huge blow to Lindsay, who only minutes before had told Kirsten that she liked Ryan too much to lose him, and they decided that maybe it was better just being friends.

Marissa is not immune from the breakup bug either. A magazine editor came over to take a picture of the Nichol house with Julie, Caleb, and Marissa. Julie had hoped that it would be a way to show what a happy family they were, even though it was far from the truth. I am starting to think that the youngest Cooper sister is not just away at boarding school. If she doesn’t show up in the next couple of episodes, there is nothing else to conclude except that they buried her in the backyard, maybe underneath the pool. Unless the boarding school is in Cuba, she should have been back for the holidays. But whatever. Marissa told DJ that his mother would be happy to have them in the picture with them, which was of course a lie. Marissa hoped that the little DJ ambush would fluster her mom into letting him in the picture. The only one confused was Caleb, who still doesn’t realize that DJ was fired many weeks ago. DJ leaves, and Julie tells her daughter that she is going to catch up with him and get him to come back, because you know, it’s Marissa’s happiness that counts. In reality, Julie attempts to pay DJ off, and tells him that he was just a fling to piss her off anyway.

Although Kirsten has resigned herself to staying at home during her anniversary, Sandy has other plans. He knows that the boys might misbehave, so he hires a couple of off-duty officers to watch over them. Sandy could have saved himself some money and cuffed them to a pipe downstairs. They could easily go a couple of days locked up somewhere. Despite the presence of the troopers, Seth and Ryan somehow escape, and the officers have to interrupt Kirsten and Sandy’s magical anniversary moment. And they know just where to look. The Bait Shop! There just happens to be no event going on, so of course Ryan and Seth are doing something diabolical inside. Well, not quite. Actually, the cops and the drive to the Bait Shop was an elaborate plan concocted by Sandy to surprise his wife for her anniversary. And what better way to prove you love than to embarrass her by singing her old blues songs. (To tell you the truth, Peter Gallagher has a good voice, but the lip synching was way off. Still, better overall than another sucky indie band looking to get rid of their street cred. You can even buy his song at the iTunes Music Store.)

The party became the time when all of the relationships were mended once more. Summer, who had been reading The New Republic and The Nation to try and bone up on things Zach may have been interested in, found out that Zach likes her just the way she is, and knowing that Kuala Lampur is the capital of indonesia is not that important. Ah ha! What a huge mistake, the writers should be ashamed. Well, except two seconds later, Summer corrects Zach, and all is right in the world.

Ryan and Lindsay made up. Kirsten said that it was going to take some time, but she will get used to it. But I am not leaving out the possibility that she calls in Theresa just to break them up. Seth finally introduces Alex to his mom, and they are happy to finally meet. It might take a little bit of the spice out of a relationship, but it’s always best if your parents know.

Everybody is happy, well, except for Marissa. DJ comes to the party, and tells her that they can’t see each other anymore, it was good while it lasted, we had fun, it’s not you, it’s me, i’m not ready for a girlfriend, etc., etc. Marissa is convinced that her mother is behind it with the extortion check and all, but DJ lets her know that it was his own decision. So, Marissa’s heart is broken, but she did get the blank check back from DJ, so she can go out and buy some proper drugs.

So, in the end, there is some hope for the OC men. DJ was able to take control of his own destiny, and despite being the lawn boy, probably has most of his dignity still in tact. The same cannot be said about Zach, who is the only son of a Senator who doesn’t use that whole thing as a way to meet girls, or Ryan who is so confused about his priorities he broke up with a girl so as not to upset his mom, and Seth, who is so obviously in line to be dumped right after Alex gets really bored of the nice guy routine.

If somebody doesn’t grow a set of nuts soon, but let’s hope they don’t bring in another Oliver just because they need to have a couple more jerks to even things out.

“Hey!” Count: Episode – 11, Season Total – 90