Recap: The OC: Where Were We?

Alrighty O.C. buddies out there, I’m sure you’re looking at this lapse in recap goodness as a sign of weakness, laziness or euthanasia. I’m here to tell you that while you’re right on all counts, you are also oh so wrong. Where you say “What the F-Bomb is up with no recaps for three weeks?”, I say, “Now when The O.C. is over in a week and change, you’ll be able to hold on for a few more weeks, as recaps keep coming in.” You see, the recaps took a sabbatical not for ME, but for you. No, no, no. It’s fine. You’re welcome. For the first ‘cap back we get my… LEAST FAVORITE episode of the season! Yay! It’s not that it was particularly bad or anything, it just seemed so obvious, that this was the episode where Josh Schwartz, et al. got the phone call that the show was cancelled and shit was going to have to start wrapping up good and quick. So let’s take a look at what got a shiny shit covered bow tied up on it, shall we?You see it starts off contradicting itself – Taylor was the one who needed “time” (>cough<), and yet here we find our favorite neurotic stalking Ryan outside of El Pavo Guapo, stealing the INS agents best spots for stakeouts. Weird, right? Annoying, too.

At the Cohen Manse, Ryan, Seth and Sandy are going to spit, scratch themselves and go to a violent South Korean movie, sans Kirsten who is averse to South Korean cinema and male bonding. But perhaps, just perhaps, something else is afoot? My suspicions are confirmed when Kirsten makes an ominous phone call to her doctor demanding an urgent visit. Perhaps he can prescribe her to mandatory meal-time with a few doses of complex carbohydrates. Seriously, Kristen. Eat something.

The next morning when Sethala wakes up he has Che staring him down. Well you know what they say, when you wake up with a hippie in your face, you’ll have five years good luck. Or maybe that’s if you chop off a hippie’s foot and carry it around? Hmm. But Che isn’t there to give good luck to Seth; he’s there to invite him on an animal rescue mission. Well, at least that’s what Che SAYS… we all know that Che is there to work through his concerns that perhaps he is in love with Seth. Remember, you’re inner animal never lies.

Finally realizing that being escorted from the Mall, by security may be a low point, Taylor decides to see a therapist about her issues. At least she is well aware of them, with her mother, who is like Osama Bin Laden’s less pleasant sister and her absent father. She agrees to let the therapist have her way with her, which sounds like the beginning of a particularly steamy Skinemax movie. The therapist warns Taylor that her methods are rather intense, but Taylor doesn’t budge. Then a young strapping stud comes in to fix the copy machine…

Kaitlin is back on as resident schemer, and I love it. At the urging of her minions, Kaitlin upgrades the playful e-mails she’s been sending to Bullit pretending to be Julie, from sweet to saucy with talk of butt grabbing. HOT! Later on, Kaitlin broaches the subject of Bullit’s return from Dubai (lovely this time of year, I hear) with Julie, who begins to tiptoe around the fact that there might be another pistol in her holster these days, as she keeps getting mysterious phone call after mysterious phone call. There are even some anonymous flowers delivered to the house, which Kaitlin has to dispose of before her mother can check them out.

Che has dragged Seth to town hall to help him in his mission: Free O.C. groundhog Newport Chuck! That’s right, this episode of The O.C. is centered around Groundhog’s Day. Maybe, it’s not the worse thing in the world that FOX pulled a plug on this show. I mean, were you particularly excited about the Very Special Arbor Day episode? Perhaps an epic Flag Day adventure? Anyway, Seth doubts the importance of saving Newport Chuck, as Summer did earlier, so Che is somewhat relieved as it seems that perhaps Seth isn’t his soul mate after all. Gay off! Alas, Seth decides that he owes Che, so he’s in on the Great Groundhog Caper. Gay on!

The Bullit has landed! He’s back in town and heading right to the mall to buy an engagement ring for Julie, with Kaitlin’s hearty endorsement. Kaitlin doesn’t have much faith in Bullit’s ring choosing abilities (I hear Kay Jewelers is the Jewelry store of choice for all multi-millionaires), so she gets her stealth on and spies on him. There she runs into Ryan, who is more interested in Taylor than he is in what the hairy heck (points to anyone who can guess the great 80′s cartoon where “What the hairy heck?” was a catchphrase) Kaitlin is doing.

Hey remember when Seth and Summer “accidentally” reenacted the upside down make out scene from Spider-Man for “hilarious” results in Season Two? Well, while the grappling hook scheme that Seth and Che use to sneak into City Hall is funnier, but even more over the top. A grappling hook? What were they out of batarangs? Not to mention, has anyone taken a step back to realize that they are breaking into a government building? If the guys from Adult Swim could be arrested for potential terrorism for putting up a few posters, what do you think will happen to these two schmucks for breaking into City Hall of one of the most affluent cities in the nation? I’m just saying…

Meanwhile, in the single most annoying scene of the evening, Taylor and her therapists head over to Casa de Cohen, so Taylor can give Ryan her box. No, not that box, the box with all her things from him. You know, cards, CDs, nail clippings, used condoms. The usual. Ryan has had enough of this (although the Atwood temper has been sufficiently clipped this season – don’t want another dead girlfriend, do we?), and begs Taylor to let them work this out without any third parties involved. And…. DENIED! The therapist doesn’t allow any communication and the new Boris & Natasha drive off. Lame. You know who wouldn’t support this action? Dr. Jason Seaver.

Seth and Che have successfully foiled security at City Hall (what was Ben Stiller taking a night off from the museum?), and have Chuck back on the roof. Hooray! Oh wait, Che left the grappling hooks behind (personally, I always carry a spare), so wouldn’t you know it, the door to the building is locked! They are stuck on the roof. That along with this week’s episode of Studio 60 and the literally hundreds of times things like this happened on Three’s Company, Friends, Alf, et al. makes me seriously begin to wonder why it is so important that doors with access to the roof have locks. Clearly, this is an ongoing problem. The next morning, the two asses are still on the roof with their “saved” Groundhog, when a security guard comes up stairs and busts/saves them.

Happy Birthday Kirsten! It seems that Kirsten turns 40, which is almost as old as Ryan, so congratulations to her. Before she can tell Sandy her bad, bad news, that bastard Ryan comes in and wishes her a happy birthday. The well wishes are interrupted yet again, by an ominous phone call. Kirsten needs to go to the doctor. Immediately. Bring no one, and by God if she’s followed the Groundhog gets it!

Julie has just rushed home after a phone call from Kaitlin faking appendicitis. Instead of a burst appendix, Julie found dozens of roses and one Bullit. The B man then pops the question to Julie, who finds this whole thing a bit unexpected (you and us both sister!). Bullit doesn’t think it’s so sudden, especially after all the sweet to saucy e-mails. Julie doesn’t recall and e-mails, but she does recall giving birth to a child with hors and three sixes on her scalp. Julie sidesteps the proposal with a mother-daughter chat with Kaitlin, about when it is and is not appropriate to be sneaky. Appropriate: to mess up your birth control in order to get pregnant by a wealthy politician. Inappropriate: Sending e-mails claiming to be your mother in order to get a man to propose. Kaitlin pleads with Julie to accept, citing that Bullit is nice, rich, would make a great step dad and is hung like horse. Julie continues to ponder.

Che uses his one phone call to get Summer in on the Newport Chuck freedom plan. Summer, inexplicably, agrees, and dupes some poor girl into trying to save Newport Chuck, whom security must be extensive around at this point.

At City Hall (the new Peach Pit?), Ryan and Sandy are having a heart to eyebrows, while they wait for the Groundyawn ceremony to begin. However, there is an errant Groundhog mascot lurking about. Yes, its Taylor all dressed up with no where to go. She’s spying on Ryan, and takes a spill, knocking the head of the costume off. Ryan offers to help her (and not run screaming for his life), but Taylor is the one who rushes off.

Seth and Che are still in the pokey, and they learn that a girl is on her way to join them after another foiled attempt to save Newport Chuck. Just as Che is about to reveal his special feelings (down there) to Seth, the Groundhog girl enters jail, takes off her costume, and is super hot. Che suddenly realizes how similar otters and Groundhogs look. Gay off! Seth and Che get bailed out, but Che stays behind to hold hands with his new soul mate. Is that even an option? Like, if you get bailed out, can you just say: “nah, I think I’ll stay…”

At the Yacht Club, Kirsten is the guest of Honor for her 40th Birthday bash. Arriving just after Kirsten is Sandy… in a mail truck. You know, just like the mail truck he used to drive around Berkley. The one where they first, you know, banged? How romantic! But that’s not Sandy’s only gift. He then points to his crotch where there is a big box. It’s Sandy’s dick in a box! No, it’s not. Its two tickets for a trip around the world! Alright, Kirsten enough is enough1 They can’t go on a trip around the world. Not when Kirsten has been diagnosed with a severe case of the… Preggers!

Kaitlin comes clean to Bullit about her e-mail duplicity, and Julie turns down his proposal. Just when it’s looking like everything is going shitend up for Bullit, Julie tells him that the no, isn’t a firm no. Just like Lindsay Lohan going into a rehab. It’s a very flimsy no. Once Julie gets to know Bullit better they may be a chance for them.

At Summer’s, the clever one hands over Newport Chuck to Che and his hippie chick soul mate. Apparently, the Mayor of Newport loves animals, and freed NC. Whatever.

Things also get a big whatever on the Ryan and Taylor front as they decide to get back together and work things out. It’s just so dumb that they went through this little thing in the first place that I was equally indifferent to the obvious reconciliation.

Julie makes a phone call to the mystery man who has been wooing her in addition to Bullit, and breaks up with him. She needs to be with Bullit because the Bullit is what’s good for her family. On the other end of the phone, Frank Atwood agrees to this, as he stares down at the engagement ring he bought, and sheds a single, silent tear.

There you have it! More to come!