The Ruins: Johnny’s Afraid of a Gi-irl, Johnny’s Afraid of a Gi-irl

I’m so sorry for the late recap, Gasmii! I’m still watching Jersey Shore over and over and over again. Thank heaven for the DVR and the pause button. I can’t get enough of watching that tanned dwarf getting punched in the head. Does that make me a bad person?

Here’s a tip: Don’t tell a juiced-up, drunk idiot that he has a tiny penis in front of his friends.When we last left our intellectually stunted competitors, Kimberly and Susie were battling it out in the Ruins. I was (most uselessly) rooting for Kimberly and was vaguely bored. This week, boredom reigns supreme and we continue to watch the girls throw each other around the ring.

[rope] So headlocks are not permitted, but rope strangulation gets the okay?

There’s thrashing, there’s straddling, there’s blood.

[kenny] It’s like a third date with me.

And finally Susie wins and has $25,520 in her personal bank account.

[wins] Enjoy it little lady because this is the last time these guys are going to show any excitement about this win.

Kimberly goes home all bent out of shape that Casey is still around. She tells Casey to enjoy her $2,000 because it’s really nothing. Except it’s about $2,000 more than Kimberly has. Just saying.

Then Dumbar and Slim Jim are up. I’m rooting for Dumbar and I imagine the Champions are jealous of my ability to do so. SInce a Slim win would mean three girls on the Challengers’ side and an easier win in the finals, they have to root for Slim. Sorry kids. Team Dumbar.

There’s more thrashing, more straddling and it’s a whole lot more violent than the girls. And much less sexy.

[drakkar] You smell great. What is that? Drakkar?

Dammit! Slim pulls out the win and sends Dumbar packing. He has $17,300 in his personal account and a ride to the finals with Evan, Kenny and Pubes. Am I allowed to turn this off and abort the recap now?

They’re all on the bus back to the house talking about strategy. Susie knows she’s going into the final Ruins but doesn’t know how the opponent selection is going to go. Obviously, she’s hoping she can get to choose so she can pick Casey and all but ensure her win.

Evan is a pig in shit because his team of douche bags made it to the end. He actually has the balls to say that it’s a dream come true.

[dream] Dream big, fat man.

In case you didn’t know, Kenny is an asshole. He orders Rumer to pick up markers or something. Rumer says that Kenny and Evan have been picking on her since day one but she knows they’re messing with her and joking. Um, no they’re not.

[write] “Kenny loves Rumer. Kenny loves Rumer. Kenny loves Rumer.”

As predicted, the boys begin to question Susie’s ability as a competitor and suggest that she’s only interested in making it TO the finals and not THROUGH the finals because she’s guaranteed over $25,000 if she just survives the last Ruins. Come on, guys. I dare any one of you to say you wouldn’t do the same thing.

So Slim and her get into it and there’s all sorts of talk about betrayal on previous challenges and throwing missions but I didn’t have to watch that show so I have no idea what they’re talking about.

[suit] All I know is that Susie looks pretty good in a bathing suit.

The boys rely on things like “the double standard” and “talking out of both sides of their fat head” to decide that Susie has to go. Apparently, she hasn’t lifted a finger to get to the finals and they’re pissed. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Susie head into a couple of Ruins? And didn’t each of Kenny and Evan compete in exactly NONE?

[details] Let’s not get bogged down by details or facts.

They think about throwing the challenge so the Challengers can decide who gets to go into the Ruins against Susie. Chances are that Kellyanne will go in because she wants as much money as possible and might have a chance at beating Susie. As Susie correctly points out, I think the boys are wasting a lot of time and energy trying to figure out a way to beat Rumer, Casey and Kellyanne.

[girls] Yeah. This could be a real nail-biter.

Kenny continues his quest for the Asshole of the Year award and tells Rumer that she looks like Martha Dumptruck, that she’s no fun and that she wears maternity clothes. He justifies this by saying that she has a crush on him and likes the attention.

[selection] How has natural selection not taken care of this guy yet?

Finally, Rumer breaks down and Evan offers her a flower of false contrition. He spews some bullshit about how they didn’t want to upset her and that they know she has a heart of gold and that they love her.

[flower] I weep for the flower that died to for the sake of your hollow apology.

The kids receive their next and last clue: Are you at a point in this challenge where you hit a wall? Come tomorrow and you will.

[understand] I don’t get it.

Slim is still complaining that Susie isn’t a team player. For the love of all that is holy! Please tell me that anyone believes that Evan or Kenny or Pubes or Slim are playing this for the sake of the team?! They’re worried about having Susie in the finals because she’s too slow and can’t pull her own weight so they have to make sure she gets cut. Slim wants to throw the challenge. Jerk.

Despite the flower and the apology, Kenny and Evan are up to their old tricks and make fun of Rumer for wearing a swim cap. And Kenny calls her a fucking weirdo. Ooh, good one.

[sorry] I know I gave you a flower and everything but “fucking weirdo” was really funny. I’m back on Team Kenny.

Susie and Rumer are talking about how the challenge is going to go. They talk about how the guys are going to throw the mission so the Challengers can choose Kellyanne to go up against Susie. Susie doesn’t want this because Kellyanne is a fembot and will win. Rumer begins her crazy visualization and decides that TJ is going to tell Susie that she gets to choose her competitor because she’s the only girl left.

[visual] Do not fuck with me and my visualizations.

And we’re at the challenge. Slim explains, once again, that the goal is to lose the challenge to ensure that Susie and Kellyanne go into the final and maybe ensuring that Susie goes home. Casey tells us she sucks at life.

[casey] Tell us something we don’t know.

Since there are only nine people left, everyone is up for elimination so no need to worry about that. Let’s talk about Wall Walker. There are two runways suspended over the edge of a 20-story building and they’re connected by a slanted ramp. At the edge of the ramp, there are three vases with flowers in each. The goal is to run up and over the ramp, collect the flowers and stick them in the vase at the end. Because I know you want to see . . .

[walker]

Since there are only three Challengers and there are five Champions, the Challengers have to select who is going to go twice.

[twice] Gee? Who?

The Challengers go first. Rumer takes off and grabs all three flowers. Kellyanne is second and grabs all three also. Rumer takes off on her second run and gets all three flowers again but Kellyanne falls off on her second try and gets zero. The Challengers have nine flowers and Casey is up.

[run] This looks promising.

Casey spends more time sliding backwards than doing much of anything else and then decides she’s not really interested in the whole competition thing. TJ mocks her for having a temper tantrum and then disqualifies her.

Pubes is up first and gets all three flowers. Slim is up, grabs all three flowers and then promptly drops them. Too bad he’s the only one on the “we’re going to throw this” plan. Susie is up and grabs three. Then Kenny has his shot and also grabs three. The game is tied at nine flowers each so it’s up to Evan to decide if the Champions are going to win or not.

[champs] I still don’t like him.

TJ continues to destroy Slim’s dreams and tells Susie that since she’s the only girl left, she can choose her opponent in the Ruins.

[pleased] I think she may be pleased about this development.

Needless to say, she chooses Casey. Slim continues to complain that Susie slacked off the entire game and gets to coast to the finals. Maybe someone could push him off the building?

Susie is venting to Rumer that Slim’s plan is a stupid one. Since Slim is on Susie’s team and can help him in the finals, why would she bother if he’s just a jerk to her? She can sit down at the finish line and still go home with a nice chunk of change in her wallet so why would she try so a bunch of assholes could win it? Susie’s vent assumes that Slim is capable of basic logic.

[notlogic] He’s not.

It’s final elimination in the Ruins and it’s Susie against Casey. The game is Muay Thai. Each player has a row of seventeen bamboo poles running the length of the Ruins. They have to be the first to kick and break each pole and ring the gong to win. Casey thinks that watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer is going to give her the edge she needs.

[edge] It’s logic like this that makes her not only stupid but moderately dangerous.

Casey does pretty well for a minute or so and then meets her bamboo pole match and it just won’t break. Game over and Susie takes it. She now has over $31,000 in her personal bank account (which is at least $10K more than any guy on her team) and close to zero incentive to help the boys win. Well done, Slim.

So the final is set and it’s Kenny, Evan, Slim, Pubes and Susie for the Champions and Rumer and Kellyanne for the Challengers. With $160,000 at stake, if the Champions win, they will each take home an additional $32,000 and if the Challengers win, they will each take home an additional $80,000.

Evan tells the guys that they have to kiss Susie’s ass. Slim and Pubes refuse. Kellyanne thinks they’re pansies for worrying about going up against a couple of girls. Evan gets all Vince Lombardi on the rest of the Champion guys: We’re an ex-fat kid, a father, a Canadian and a married woman going up against a fembot and a poet. There’s no time for games. Let’s go after the cash.

[worry] I can’t imagine why he’s worried.

Based on the previews for next week, I think I’m supposed to believe that the girls win. I honestly can’t think of a more amazing ending for any show. Ever. Dramatic maybe but true. Go Fembot Poet!

Until next week (which is really this week),
TinyElvis.