The Ruins: Two Hits – Me Hitting You, You Hitting the Floor

Hola, Gasmii! For all of you who were kind enough to share the origin of why Johnny Bananas is called Johnny Bananas in last week’s comments, I thank you. And curse you, just a little bit. It’s yet another image I will have to have surgically scraped from my frontal lobe.

Speaking of douchebags, I was walking on Madison Avenue and 53rd Street on Friday afternoon and, I kid you not, walked right past Kenny and Evan! It took me a few solid seconds to figure out how I knew them and I was momentarily insulted that they didn’t stop and say hello to me. Then I realized who they were and burst out laughing. For the record, Evan is wide and hunchy and Kenny is much taller and much bigger than he appears on television.

It’s Kellyanne’s 38th birthday and everyone – except Dumbar – is celebrating by consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. Dumbar somehow thinks that by avoiding the booze now, he and Brad can be in better shape to beat the Champions. I’m sure that’s going to happen.

Susie is a total instigator and tells Kellyanne that the best way to celebrate your birthday is in your birthday suit. Kellyanne, psyched that someone has finally stepped up to tell her what to do in Wus’ absence, agrees.

Evan wants us to know that his team is as happy as pigs in shit and that it looks like the best-looking guys in the challenge are going to win the money.

Brad is flipping out over Casey and her inability and unwillingness to compete. Susie tries to explain to him that she is going to take out Casey in the next Ruins and that she’s holding some sort of trump card. Her strategy is to tell the Champion guys that if they don’t let her go up against Casey in the Ruins that she’ll throw the challenge. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but can’t the guys cross their fingers and just agree to that before the challenge and then out-vote her once they get to deliberation and put her in against Rumer or Kimberly? What am I missing?

Kellyanne is completely shmammered (thank you, crazy costume-wearing Ibis) and arguing with Dumbar over whether or not he has been telling people that he and Kellyanne had sex on the Real World Sydney.

Brad has assumed the role of douche in charge and decides to talk sense into a completely incoherent Kellyanne. She’s just slurring her words and making me hate her. Then she calls out Brad for never going into the Ruins and that makes him hate her too. Good. We all agree. Oh, and then she starts sobbing like an animal.

And then I hate Brad. He’s all worked up over nothing and calls Kellyanne “little girl” and a “young buck”. I hope Tori is at home packing her bags right now.

Kellyanne is almost dry heaving from the crying and tells Susie, yet again, that she never slept with Dumbar. On the other side of the house, Dumbar is trying to convince Kimberly that Kellyanne wanted to have sex with Dumbar but the outcome is unclear. Really? Does anyone care?

Then it’s Brad’s turn with the bottle and he starts slurring some crap about the game and making money and declaring he can take anyone out. Dude – have you met your competition?

Since Brad is unable to handle his alcohol, he marches into the Champions’ room and decides they should “just handle it” and puts up his fists.

Brad keeps demanding that Darrell “roll” and starts clapping and sort of throwing half punches around Darrell. Kenny and Slim Jim sit back to watch it unfold while Chin Pubes tries desperately to put an end to it. That doesn’t work and Brad tells Pubes to chill the fuck out and throws a half-assed kick at him.

Brad is clearly out of his mind, yelling at Darrell to step up and calling him son. I think he even threatened to punch out Darrell’s teeth at one point. Kudos to Darrell for sitting there and taking it. Granted, he kept calling Brad a bitch which wasn’t helping but Brad deserved it. Too bad everyone else just sat around and watched the tragedy unfold.

Finally, Evan anticipated the very bad ending and tried to stop it. Too little, too late. Brad went at Darrell, Darrell went back, they both fly across the room and Brad ends up on the floor. Oh, and then Darrell punches Brad in the head about sixteen times.

Slim Jim replays the incident for us and can’t believe what happened. Please explain to me how none of these guys saw this coming? You have a wasted Brad calling Darrell “son” and a way-too-calm Darrell calling Brad a bitch. How did you think this was going to end?

Brad is both punch-drunk and drunk-drunk and Evan thinks that now they have a man out of control. Brad looks like he had a bleeding golf ball surgically implanted under his eyelid and someone is telling him it doesn’t look that bad.

Brad is sorry and he goes home. Darrell is sorry and he goes home. Is it possible that none of the guys stepped in because they wanted Darrell’s money and figured if he got booted, all the money would go into the final pot? Which is exactly what happened? Are they really that smart? Or just chicken shit?

Now, can we get to the actual playing of the game here? Nope, not yet. Everyone has to chime in about how Brad was losing it and how sucky it is that the two of them went home and how in the world can the Challengers win this. Now, can we play??

Kellyanne decides that she wants Dumbar to go home because she doesn’t need boys on her team. Apparently, Kellyanne, Casey, Rumer and Kimberly can beat Evan, Slim, Pubes and Kenny. Sure. That’ll happen.

But first we need to argue about whether or not Dumbar and Kellyanne ever had sex. If it were me and I didn’t want my sex life to be public information, I would have stopped talking about it on camera a long time ago. But Kellyanne is not me and would like to continue talking about her sex life. For those of you keeping track, there wasn’t full penetration but “tip” touching. Phew, I’m glad we settled that.

Finally, we’re game-playing again. Sort of. Susie is trying to explain to Evan and Kenny that she’s going to throw the challenge if they don’t agree to let her go against Casey. Kenny, too dumb to realize they can fake an alliance (at least once), is afraid that Susie has power over them. Casey and Kellyanne are giggling in the hallway because they’re twelve.

Susie does not enjoy said giggling. Nor the M&Ms and the popcorn. Susie is getting mad because Casey and Kellyanne aren’t taking the game seriously (and are eating snacks) and Casey is mad because Susie is blaming her when she should really be blaming the boys for not letting her go against Casey in the Ruins.

Finally, a clue: Is your team on the fence about this challenge? Since tomorrow is a challenge, the remaining players decide they should go out and party. Rumer and Kenny are playing darts and the winner has the privilege of giving Kenny head. There is no doubt in my mind that Kenny is capable of self-fellating.

Everyone thinks that Kenny has a crush on Rumer because he’s mean to her morning, noon and night. Of course, when they buckle down for the obligatory game of Truth or Dare, Slim dares Kenny to make out with Rumer. Kenny refuses because Ew! Who wants to kiss a girl?!

Rumer decides dignity (and a clean bill of health) is overrated and plants a wet one on Kenny’s lips. Blech.

We’re finally at a challenge and Slim is afraid of heights but doesn’t want anyone to know. Casey might be afraid of heights but it doesn’t matter because she’s going to use it as an excuse whether or not it’s true.

TJ has new lines to read this week and instead of nominating six people to be up for elimination, each team has to nominate just one player to be safe. The Champions have to nominate one guy and the Challengers have to nominate one girl. Evan brings up the Pretend Rotation, claims he feels more comfortable if he sits out and declares he will be safe because Slim can pull some shady shit.

On the Challenger side, Rumer gets to sit out because she went into the last Ruins.

The Challenge is On the Fence. There is a giant structure with three different chain-link fences suspending over the edge of a 20-story building. The goal is climb across the fences and be the first to ring your gong but the catch is that you’re facing a member of the other team who is trying to do the same thing at the same time, and they can use any means necessary to shake you off or slow you down. And if you fall, it’s a fifteen minute penalty.

Kenny and Kimberly are up first and Kenny wins easily. Kellyanne and Slim go second and even though Slim is whining like a little girl, he wins. Evan and Dumbar are third and Evan wins. Then it’s Pubes and Rumer. Evan and Kenny suggest that Pubes should make her fingers bleed and kick her in the junk. Then they pretend to be appalled when Pubes decides that it’s not enough to beat Rumer, but he needs her to fall off and incur the penalty. He shakes the fences like it’s his job and wins.

Finally, Susie and Casey are up. Casey is on the verge of tears and takes it out on poor TJ. Evan is still worried that Susie is going to throw the challenge but it’s not even remotely possible since Casey won’t even lift a foot off the platform. And she’s singing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”.

Now, it should get interesting. Kenny and Evan are trying to decide what to about Susie. For some reason, they think it matters. It seems to me that even if the Challengers end up with Kellyanne, Rumer, Kimberly and Dumbar in the final, they should still easily lose to Evan, Kenny, Pubes, Slim and Susie. And again, I ask, what am I missing here?

The deliberations are less interesting than I hoped and Susie ultimately agrees to go up against Kim. Slim decides that the Ruins is going to be something that heavily favors Dumbar and Kenny is the best match-up weight wise, so Kenny should go in.

Pubes decides that Slim should step up and Slim reluctantly agrees. I’m not sure why Slim should be the stepper-upper more than anyone else but he is and that’s that.

The game is Rag Doll. The players are inside a circle, each holding one end of the same short rope. The first person to jerk the rope out of the other player’s hands, wins. And it’s pouring rain which is both a little sexy and lot sucky.

And holy crud! It’s a cliffhanger! I was not paying attention to the clock and I am unhappy. Now I have to actually think about how I want this all to go down. Okay, I can’t figure out which is worse for the Champions — if Kimberly stays or if Susie stays. I think the former so that’s what I’m rooting for. On the Challenger side, I definitely want Dumbar to win. Next week’s preview tells me nothing except TJ puts Casey in her place which is enough for me.

Until next week,
TinyElvis.