Tonight’s episode of The Simple Life 2: Road Trip reacquainted Paris Hilton with her least favorite pasttime: gettin’ naked in public. Okay, cheap shot. Sorry, Paris! The sex tape comments are old now; so I’ll try to keep the puns to a minimum. Nevertheless, Paris and Nicole continued to out Florida as a bizarro cultural wasteland by dropping in for a day at Caliente Resort & Spa, a peppy nudist colony whose chipper clientelle seemed significantly less tragic than the eyesores Dave Atell usually introduces us to on Insomniac. Paris and Nicole seemed genuinely shocked to see so many, uh, physically unfit people waltzing around nekked, and to answer your question, no, they did not participate in the fun.The girls showed up for their day of “work” nearly two hours late, raising the ire of their semi-naked supervisor. I don’t know what was more distracting: the boss’s exposed nip or her uncanny resemblance to Doris Roberts. Paris and Nicole should have been grateful that this woman even offered them a job (or, I should say, that Bunim/Murray paid her to offer them a job). The girls, it appears, have been making their way across FLA like a pair of pretty street urchins, begging for money, food, and showers all the way. A silly scene in Burger King had the girls unsuccessfully conning the restaurant for a free meal (and note to people who think this show isn’t staged: these girls would NEVER order this much food from a fast food joint). It sort of felt like an inverted Midnight Cowboy, where Ratzo Rizzo and Joe Buck scheme to get out of Florida and make their way back to the land of drugs and sex. And I suppose Paris and Nicole could be the Jon Voigt and Dustin Hoffman for a new generation, you know, except without the talent.
Back at Caliente, our flute and guitar duo met with the resort’s owner who introduced them to the world of housekeeping, a.k.a. that mythical force that always restored Paris’s hotel rooms to perfect condition. She and Nicole seemed more shocked to don maid uniforms than anything else these past two seasons. They suitably acted like princesses at the sight of pee in a toilet and casually tried on guests’ clothing. In one case, they stumbled upon a nude hillbilly who gloriously preened in front of the cameras with a goofy smile on his face. Left unattended, Paris and Nicole slyly changed into civilian garb, ordered room service (on someone else’s dime), and then had a maid come and clean the room. Appreciative of her service, the girls showered the cleaning lady with their highest compliment: “That’s hot.” Later, the girls slipped into their uniforms again, and when their supervisor saw their spotless room, she praised them for defying expectations. I would love to think Paris and Nicole were crafty enough to execute this little con, but this is The Simple Life. Bunim/Murray’s gotta stir the pot.
After housekeeping, the girls joined a body acceptance class where a group of nude people stood in a circle and extolled the virtues of going au naturelle. Everyone then ranked their favorite body parts, causing Paris to adopt her cutesy baby voice and faux-sweetly rattle off a list of her best features, which according to her is just about everything. Nicole was forthright and embraced her small chest – hey, she said it, not me – and actually displayed a very healthy attitude towards her body. Everyone wrote dull poems about their orifices and whatnot, and before we knew it, night had fallen and everyone was dancing the YMCA at the Caliente Disco.
And so another episode passed by with the girls learning nothing except the value of remaining true to your adolescent roots. I’m glad they love their bodies so much because the last thing this show needs is any inspiration from The Swan.