Awwwww, The surreal 7 have a Hart!

Janice makes her kids proud

One of the challenges The Surreal Life recaps present is the fact that the show seems to deal with a rather delicate subject matter on a weekly basis. Even though the show is an absurd carnival of morons and misfits, they have dealt with retarded children, three-legged dogs, and now, battered women. Not exactly food challenges, immunity idols, and rose ceremonies – to say the least. So, when this episode opened with the poor three-legged dog hobbling about as the convicted felon ate breakfast in drag, you kinda forget about the gravity of the situations in which they are stuck. One cast member, Janice Dickinson (The World’s First Supermodel), seems like she would be unhappy in any and all situations she gets stuck. What an absolutely miserable bitch. On account of her various issues, she has driven all of her roomies out to sleep on couches and chairs around the house. Omarosa, in a rare funny/intelligent moment stated, “Janice is allergic to herself.”

As my collegiate human physiology course taught me, Omarosa is probably right. With so much Botox, Silicone, Saline, Silly Putty, Make-up, and space age polymers in her body, Janice undoubtedly IS now “allergic to herself.” Her already depleted immune system (she has had sex with Jon Lovitz, after all) is surely attacking all the foreign substances in her body – I haven’t yet decided if I’d prefer a long, slow, painful process or a quick “Raiders of the Lost Ark” face-melting death for her. Something to ponder next time I’m on the crapper. After everyone noticed Canseco in his knee-high leggings and eye shadow (oh you silly wife beater, you) Caprice retrieved the “Surreal Times” and bore the day’s “bad” news. The gang would actually have to work for a few hours… Real, honest to goodness work. They were about to build an entire new backyard for the Jennessee Center – a recovery safe house for victims of spousal abuse and their kids. The producers decided to drum up some contrived conflict by naming Omarosa the “foreman” of the operation, even though she knows nothing about landscaping. Then, in one of those odd “only on this show” moments, the seven houseguests were forced to sit through a video showing graphic pictures of abuse victims – bloody broken faces and all. Before convicted wife-beater Jose Canseco could get too uncomfortable, Balki broke down and couldn’t bear it anymore (it was pretty graphic). “They’re taking me back to my childhood,” he whimpered. As it turns out, Balki’s mom was an alcoholic or something and his dad abused her. Hmmm, maybe that explains his lecherous ways somehow. No? Yeah, you’re right – he’s just a creepy Mr. Gladhands on his own accord.

At least this task would better suit Janice’s (The World’s First Supermodel) integrity. After last week’s (only a day before in their lives) burlesque challenge during which she refused to take part because she is “a parent,” she could now help out several unfortunate women – who also happen to be parents as well. Just as that warming thought was washing over me, Janice stuck her pockmarked nearly naked ass out the window of the Surreal van. Hmmmmm, that’s odd. The woman who wouldn’t wear a tasteful bikini top and skirt 12 hours prior had no problem showing the world her grizzled butt today? I’ll let Omarosa state the obvious: “I feel bad for her children because she’s not well.” Actually, I could have come up with a better line, but I enjoy Omarosa’s bad grammar and like to highlight it whenever possible. People, please… Modify those verbs!

Once the gang donned their hard hats, work boots, and gloves, they were presented with the rather daunting challenge of ripping up a lawn, re-sodding, and installing a swing-set and picnic table. We all remember the last time Omarosa was required to pretend to do actual labor – she got clunked on the head by a microscopic piece of wallboard and declared herself concussed. This time around, she simply walked around, told us that she’s used to “the pampered life,” and powdered her nose – literally. It seems that Janice, too, would rather sit around in the shade in order to prevent her face from disintegrating. Just watching those two useless old bats do absolutely nothing but complain and bitch is difficult enough. When you realize that they are complaining and bitching about helping battered women and their children, for a whopping 8 hours of their lives, it’s sickening. Almost as sickening as watching Jose Canseco sitting there eating catered fruit cup complaining almost as much. Hey, Jose… You. Beat. Your. Wife. Pick up a f*cking rake and start making amends, you prick.

Sorry, I’m getting a little too emotionally wrapped up in this show. But you’d think these people would care a little more about doing the world some good. Nope – Janice continued hemming and hawing after lunch, “I’m a supermodel, I can’t shovel!” Omarosa continued blurting out inanities through her megaphone. OK, that “Extreme Makeover” guy with the bullhorn is annoying… Omarosa with one is grounds for beating. And hey, if that were to happen here, she wouldn’t even have to get sympathy and support afterwards. The “good” Surrealers finally had enough of Omarosa’s bullcrap, so Carey Hart took over and doled out some tasks. Gee, you mean the guy with the prior landscaping experience? Showing that he was serious, Carey took his hat off for the first time on camera thus far – of course, I didn’t really notice him at all in the previous shows, so I could be wrong. Anyway, the fact that Carey could actually speak also surprised Omarosa because upon being told that she was being replaced via a coup, she snapped at him, “Don’t raise your voice at me!” The funny thing about this is that he was merely speaking in a normal voice.

And so they labored under the hot Southern California sun through the afternoon. Carey did a great job commanding his troops and the yard really came together. Omarosa and Janice, meanwhile, continued to do nothing. After Balki coined the phrase, “candy-ass-itis,” the World’s First Supermodel stated that she was “allergic to sod.” When asked to raise a finger, Janice screeched, “It’s not in my contract to lift!” Except for lifting, y’know, your droopy eyelids, cheek fat, ass lard, tummy blubber, silicone chest bags, etc.

Oi, tough episode. At the end, there was another slightly tense moment when Balki again poked at Janice (perhaps to see if she’s really human). Once again, she yelped and whined about his behavior. Nothing more to this – except that I’m hoping that it’s all leading up to some payoff down the road. At least the previews for next week promise much more skin and frivolity. Though, it’ll probably be for the benefit of some horrible “Abandoned Child Burn Victims” charity or something.

For now, in an effort to scrub the memory of this episode from our collective brain, let’s all enjoy a picture of one of the cute kids these morons begrudgingly helped. Awwwwww…