Cappy’s Back!*

*Not that Cappy, this one.

This week’s episode of The Surreal Life, running nearly nonstop on VH1, continued and concluded the Sally Jesse Rafael “Dirty Laundry” segment. Last week she determined Balki, Janice, and Jose to be “real.” This week, the focus would be entirely on Omarosa herself. Somewhere in between, I’m sure, Sally spent about 6 seconds each on Pepa, Caprice, and Carey Hart – equaling the airtime they’ve gotten all season. Something tells me that Carey’s home life with Pink is far more interesting than anything Omarosa does, but I’m forced to work with what they give me. No matter how insipid.
Omarosa was justifiably nervous before her “Dirty Laundry” segment. After all, as she said herself, “My doings in the house were documented.” Yes, genius, they were. You’d think you’d be aware of that by now after appearing on 5 different reality shows in the last year or so. But hey, maybe she’s got the whole thing worked out… and Sally Jesse was the one to find out.

Sally issued the opening salvo; “Suppose I told you I thought you were faking it all along?”
“You’d be right,” came the somewhat surprising reply. So now we’ve come full circle in the reality game, it appears. Instead of the old, “It was the editing,” excuse, we now have those reality whores we’ve always known are playing it up, admitting they’re playing it up. In fact, Omarosa went on to say, “America thinks I’m a big villain, I’ll run with it. It pays a big check these days. This is a profession for me now.” Ugh, sickening. I’ll refer everyone back to my last Surreal Life recap when I implored all casting directors to ignore this wench. Sally explored this frank admission later, so I’ll hold off for now.

Omarosa continued up on the panel, “I came in to this house with an agenda. I’m a professor and I’m doing my research in reality television. I look at everything from a different perspective.” This not only elicited a hearty laugh from yours truly, but from Janice Dickenson as well. A professor? Like a real professor? Omarosa lives in such a meta-world of real fakeness I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. Perhaps it’s because I went to a real college with real professors and I have a real job where I have real work to do. Whereas Omarosa is quite obviously a real bitch in the real world playing a bitchier bitch on real shows in order to “study” the reality TV phenomenon for her professorship and forthcoming book. There is something so slimy and disgusting about that, but I don’t know how to put it into words.

“Dirty Laundry Seat Filler:” What to do when your band fails

The fakish crowd at the “Dirty Laundry” taping was interesting in that they hadn’t seen the show or the previous interactions between Omarosa and Janice. Yet they ooooohed and aaaahhhhed like they were told to do. I was fully expecting Ron Popeil to appear and begin cooking chickens and turkey in his little mini rotisserie ovens for this crowd. Or, more likely, an Australian guy cleaning things. What is it about Australian accents that just scream, “My overpriced product can clean things better than anything!” Anyway, the crowd was decidedly anti-Omarosa – which of course she pretended to eat up. I guess, in a sense, Omarosa is the “heel” in WWE parlance. But every heel eventually turns and becomes a good guy. What Omarosa doesn’t seem to understand is that she will never be the good guy – the world really does actually find her repulsive. From her fake horse smile to her odd topiary hairweave to her over mispronunciations to her empty bravado about her supposed credentials.

And if you didn’t already hate her, perhaps the next scene from the show would help. Sally set up and played a clip of Omarosa between “confessional” takes – what was she like in her little one on one scenes with Surreal Life producers? If her “just acting like the people expect me to act” story held any water, then we’d expect a sweeter Omarosa “off camera,” right? Wrong.

The perfectly nice sounding woman was heard off camera asking simple questions of Omarosa. “You only get a half hour from me, then I’m outta here, honey,” was the off-putting reply. Because you have somewhere to be, bitch? What else could you possibly have to do? Didn’t she sign a contract to be on this show? She kept calling the poor woman, “Honey,” and essentially ignoring all of her suggestions. Finally, after the producer wouldn’t give Omarosa her, “line,” (something further blurring the lines between real and fake) Omarosa asked, “Where’s the other producer? She’s so much better than you. You gotta be ready for me, honey.” Then she cackled like the witch she is. Hm, so okay… this conversation was all off-camera and certainly Omarosa knew it was not intended to be aired in any way. And yet, she was still a straight up C-Word. It was all quite fun to watch… You could see Omarosa was rather uncomfortable as the footage was essentially showing her to be the “bitchy reality TV villain” in real life and not just for show. Her giant smile got bigger and faker, her body language more uncomfortable. And I loved it.

Janice, ever the woman of the people, stood up for the producer lashing out at Omarosa, “That’s mean! That’s wrong!” Omarosa explained that she simply didn’t like that producer, calling her, “Horrible.” This, from a woman who admitted her “job” is to appear on these low-rent reality shows (“Celebrity Poker” anyone?) as though she had the Hollywood cred to diss others. Back to the footage, the executive producer stepped in to ask, “Do you think the American people can tell who’s acting and who’s being real and honest?”

Omarosa replied in a haughty, bitchy, creepy lilt, “Absolutely not.” She again followed this with her downright scary cackling – um, Omarosa, yeah, you’re not funny. Why are you laughing? Something tells me a psychiatrist would have a field day with this woman. At this point in the footage, Omarosa explained her life to the producer – again, remember, this wasn’t meant to air. She ran through her castmates and how they earn their respective incomes concluding, “Janice can go and be high and drunk all day…” Janice then screeched, “That’s bullshit! I don’t drink, F*ck you! That’s wrong!” What’s interesting about that is how she denied the drinking but not the “high all day” part.

Omarosa went on to explain (to the producer) how this was indeed her profession and that profession is called, “Acting for unscripted dramas 101 by Omarosa.” Cackle Cackle. The crowd rightfully booed and Omarosa actually looked a little bit hurt by it this time. Sally Jesse then asked if she was prone to overreacting at times for the cameras – specifically the knife incident. Omarosa said that, “No, when someone is high on drugs standing over you with a butcher knife…” And Janice interrupted again vehemently denying – er, vehemently saying that the photographer told her to stand with the knife in her hand. Again, no denial of the drug use. (Not that we should be surprised.)

They then showed the crowd the “Knife incident” and Janice ate it up. The crowd again booed Omarosa and Janice warbled, “Dude, I wouldn’t hurt you, I’m a supermodel. The world’s first Supermodel!” For the record, I would be quite content to never see Janice Dickenson again as well. Can I be called the world’s first world’s first supermodel hater? I’ll get that printed up on my business card right away. Janice, now sensing the spotlight back on her (though hopefully not too hot for her sake, lest she melt), started yapping over Balki and Jose who were asked questions. Balki, for his part, grew a fleeting set of balls and lashed out at Janice for talking too much, even yelling, “Shut the f*ck up!” Wow… I’m thinking he read a profile of his crush, Caprice that said she likes guys who take charge. Cause this was totally out of character. Unless…. unless he too was playing a role (The Compassionate Groper) for the show and now he was being real and… oh, you know what? If anything, I’ve learned that Hollywood is more wacked out than I’d ever imagined.

Now it was time for Omarosa to go on the offensive, accusing Janice (for the 4 billionth time) of being high on drugs and booze night and day. Sally Jesse, slumping in her chair like a college freshmen who just took a major hit from the bong, said that there was not only “low evidence,” but that the producers said she’s not using. “Low evidence?” And what about Chyna last year? She, who admitted on camera that she was using “Skittles,” at the very least. So how the hell am I going to trust anything these producers say?

Omarosa didn’t believe it either, citing Janice’s frequent stumbling and slurring. Janice’s excuse? “I’ve been taking antibiotics for a week, bitch!” Ok, ok, we’ve all been there. Doctor prescribes you some penicillin and the next thing you know, you’re rubbing your genitals all over every stranger who passes you in the night. Strong stuff, those antibiotics. Strangely, Sally Jesse and the cast seem to accept this completely ridiculous excuse. No one would admit to seeing/thinking that she was high on illicit substances at any point during the show. Pussies.

Sally Jesse tore Omarosa a new one as she wrapped up the segment by telling her she should try to “be real” at some point and stop just trying to portray a character to sell books. Ooooh, snap. Ok, not really. “Dirty Laundry” ended and hugs were exchanged all around. Afterwards, everyone simply ignored Janice because they were just tired of her drunken, drugged out ways (and by that I mean, “antibiotic ways”). For some reason, Caprice was very upset about the whole ordeal and sought solitude in the backyard.

At that point, I heard something I hoped I’d never hear again; “Cappy?! Cappy?!” Nooooooooo, not Cappy! Actually, it was Balki looking for Caprice, using a rather unfortunate nickname for her. See, now I hate her. I can’t help it… she’s known as Cappy and I hate her. Why was she so upset? Other than now sharing a nickname with the contemptible Big Brother 6 roid raging midget? She was upset because Omarosa had been “acting” for the show and the point was for everyone to be “real.” “It’s frustrating and it’s misery making.” So what else to do but get comforted by sexual predator Balki yet again?

There he was, the knight in schlumpy, sweaty armor, wrapping his grabby paws around Caprice. “You know, you’re sexy when you cry,” he whispered. After rolling my eyes so far up into my head I thought they’d get stuck there, I came to realize that there is only one more episode of this mess. As a result, I began crying… tears of joy. And ladies, for the record, I’m totally sexy when I cry.

Just ask my parole officer.