If Tyra Banks Can Do It…

The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don’t care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don’t know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week’s show.

(And to think… I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain’t exactly full of complaints.)

Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his “show?!” Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?The first “show” was the joint effort of Maven “UFC” Huffman and Steve “Smashmouth” Harwell. Florence Henderson, apparently not hip enough to be down with Oscar Award winning Three 6 Mafia’s, “Poppin My Collar,” prepped Maven by poppin’ down his collar. She then proceeded to put dust on his shoulder. The two of them took the stage and went through a little warm-up routine that included Steve calling Maven, “Mr. Mocha” and asking the audience who was single. Upon receiving no crowd reaction, Steve suggested they all masturbate. Oh yeah, we were off to a good start.

Their guest was Jeff Lee the animal trainer. Wackiness ensued when his binturong started climbing around the set. (A binturong is a bearcat. Or something. According to George Jefferson offstage, “That ain’t a bear. A bearcat? It stink.” Then he ate a donut and fell asleep (George, not the animal.) Ok, wow, that was exciting, who was up next?

Why it was none other than George Jefferson himself with his oddly titled, “Welcome to the Future” show. Remember he tried to corner his former “Jeffersons” foil Marla Gibbs but she had better things to do – like, oh I don’t know, clean windows? (See, kids, she was the maid on that old show.) In lieu of Marla, George trotted out some guy with a giant mustache. Um. Okay. (If I sound bitter towards Mustache Man, it’s because he was wearing a Dallass Cowboy jersey. I have standards.)

This is what a real audience for fake talk shows on a bad reality show looks like
Actually, before the mustache man appeared, George again danced around like a fool and sang some unintelligible “song” as his monologue – imagine what we “Surreal Life” viewers didn’t get to see! Upon introducing the giant mustache guy, George lied, “Looks good brotherman” and then… What the?!

Marla Gibbs appeared! That is, Marla Gibbs and some completely random woman who trailed behind her. She took the stage and the crowd went wild! Amazingly, George suddenly sprung to life and became totally coherent in his insulting of the “Florence the Maid.” It was an amazing thing to watch – kinda like idiot savants who sit around staring motionless all day long and then -BAM- put them in front of a piano and they go wild. Hmmm, I think I’m on to something here.

Marla and Mr. Jefferson did a cute little routine and off she went, with random attendant in tow. So the question remains – who was that woman (she appeared later, still silent at Marla’s side, in the “backstage” scenes). Was she a) a nurse of some sort there to aid the aging Ms. Gibbs, b) a Make-A-Wish Foundation “winner” who simply never passed away and submitted her wish in 1975, or c) a stealth bodyguard there to protect Marla from the creepy giant mustache guy, ostensibly the only mustachioed guy who doesn’t offer “Free mustache rides.” I must know.

Next up was fair Andrea Lowell and her show, “TMI.” Andrea has talk show experience on the Playboy Channel, so this would be a snap for her. Or more aptly, an “un”snap for her! (*Rimshot*) The audience was mostly women, so Andrea was upset that they would undoubtedly judge her negatively – especially when her guest was porn “star” Bridget the Midget. (Why are all porn actors dubbed “stars?”)

Bridget waddled out to the set and climbed up onto the bed to talk. Bridget is hopelessly homely and, well, she’s a freaking dwarf for Christ’s sake. I can’t imagine watching her in a porno but Andrea assured us that George Jefferson himself claims that “every man’s fantasy” is to be with a midget. Oh how I wish that tidbit was captured on videotape.

Anyway, Bridget explained how she broke into porn – no, not “My dad left us and my mom was a junkie,” but rather, “I was on a set once and they wanted someone to do something really gross with an egg and sticking it up…” We were left to our imaginations after that. Oddly, I found myself thinking it was odd that Bridget was a fertility surgeon in the past. Huh, who knew? Then Bridget whipped out her midget boobs to a disapproving crowd. And gee, since she looked like a fat 4th grade boy covered in Bazooka Joe tattoos getting ready to go for a dip, I can’t imagine why.

CC was up next and was feeling nauseous. Of course, so was I after Bridget’s little display (pun intended) but CC was sickened for different reasons. He was terribly nervous about his show and “needed a drink.” Surprisingly, desperate Surreal Life producers didn’t toss him a bottle of JD, and before he knew it, he was on stage. He took the stage like a pro and seemed like a natural.

His guest was some really old guy who is in shape. I’m not sure why that’s interesting, but apparently it is as the crowd went wild for Jonny Jay Holliday. Backstage, Alexis Arquette asked, “Whoa! You’re allowed to show scrotum on television? Oh, that’s his face!” Zing! If he came up with that all by himself, I’ll call him a she from here on out. The old guy put on an impressive display of pull-ups and CC survived. I chuckled to myself thinking, “Ha, if you think that’s tough, try watching the whole season of “The Surreal Life.”

Alexis was up next with his show. George Jefferson had to explain the mess to Marla Gibbs and Random Woman; “David Arquette? That’s his brother or sister or whatever.” I’ll go with “Whatever.” Less identifiable was his guest, “Pepe the King Prawn.” Note the irony here: Alexis is on the show because he is from a famous Hollywood family and yet, his guest is a sock. An unfunny sock at that. Maybe Pepe has a following somewhere, but I’m not aware of it. I’m sure they’re the same people who are still trying to convince my that Spongebob is worth my while.

Alexis solicited audience questions for the prawn to respond to and sadly, got none. He chalked this, of course, up to the audience’s homophobia and discomfort with a transwhatever. Sigh… Dude you had a puppet as a guest your jokes were again all based on your transwhateverality and sex. Here’s a hint: stop focusing on your unique sexuality and start having normal conversations. It’s pretty simple, really. But at least Alexis’s show wouldn’t be the worst mess of the night – Tawny was still to come!

Yes, Tawny Kitaen and her, “Throwin’ it Down with Tawny” nonsense. She was revved up and determined to “bring down” the lovely lady who brought up three very lovely girls. For shame, Tawny, for shame. Before she got to her insane personal vendetta, she warmed the crowd up with her monologue. Last week, I wrote out her strange, racist, unfunny joke about Asian drivers and sports. I called out the writer who I thought had written that terrible joke for her. Well, I can vouch that the “joke” in question was straight from the addled brain of Ms. Kitaen. The only question then was whether or not she’d actually use it…

She did. It went over like a racist unfunny joke should. VH1 helped out by editing in a disappointed looking Asian man in the audience – thanks! She followed that “joke” with another about her arrest for beating up her second husband – spousal abuse is always funny, dontcha know. She was apparently offended that the news reports stated she beat Chuck Finley with a “$70 pair of ‘hooker shoes.’ I assure you, if I really did that, it would be with a $700 pair of Manolo Blahniks!” I blow my nose funnier than Tawny’s standup.

This “joke” led into a bust on Florence Henderson, stating that her entire shoe collection was worth less than $60. Way to endear yourself to the crowd, Tawny. Backstage Alexis gasped, “Oh, it’s about to get SAVAGE!” Oh, dear Alexis, how I wish this whole show was SAVAGE!” Imagine if we had SAVAGE wreaking his SAVAGE Hershey-squirting skidmarked SAVAGERY in the house all the time!? Sigh.

Tawny began her “gotcha” interview by unwittingly embarrassing herself by saying, “Flo, I’ve read your biography and I gotta be honest with you… The ‘DaVinci Code’ was thinner and easier to read!” In other words, Dan Brown is Tawny’s Dostoevsky. But even worse was Tawny’s random snipe that Flo’s mother was a liar for no reason. And Wilmer Valderrama wasn’t even there.

The housemates were stunned at the accusation and the studio audience was incredulous. How DARE anyone impugn dear, aging Carol Brady! The silence quickly turned to boisterous boos when Tawny said that Flo, “Could be a royal pain in the ass” and, “Pushy.” Tawny went on to dredge up the rumor about Flo dating Greg Brady on-set which the grand dame deflected with aplomb. In fact, Mrs. Brady was a champ through the whole ridiculous ordeal and it thankfully ended quickly enough.

Once offstage, the other cast mates castigated Tawny. When Steve politely suggested that the interview was a bit harsh, he was deemed a, “Mrs. Brady Lover.” On what planet is that an insult? Who doesn’t love Mrs. Brady? Cripes, she made the mullet hot and let her eldest daughter wear micro miniskirts. I’ll go on record – I’m a “Mrs. Brady Lover.” Even at 72 years old, I’d still be happy to play ball in her house, ifyouknowwhatI’msayin.’

CC consoled Flo by putting his arm around her and saying, “I’m sure you’ve been called a lot worse by a lot better people.” Flo countered, “I’ve NEVER been called a lot worse, no. Never.” Wow, 72 years, many of them spent in the evil den of Hollywood, and Mrs. Brady had never been upbraided worse in her life than on “The Surreal Life” by a cracked out has-been named Tawny Kitaen. This is history in the making, folks!

The biggest laugh of the show came when Tawny defended herself saying, “I’m a hard-hitting journalist!” You see goddamnit, this is what Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity hath wrought – every Tom, Dick, and Tawny thinks they are now a “journalist” simply by being an asshole. Hell, by that logic, I’ve been a “journalist” since 2nd grade. Then things got weird. Not quite Chyna Doll Surreal Life 4 weird, but weird enough.

Tawny became overwhelmed by the animosity towards her after her snow job. She feigned illness and looked for sympathy from those who had condemned her. No dice sister – everyone knew she was full of crap and they weren’t afraid to tell her. She’d go between bouts of, “Oww, my stomach hurts,” to full-on feeding frenzies. As viewers, we can only hope this behavior is leading up to – FINALLY – an explosive moment. Especially since the show ended with Tawny stuffing her face with a handful (literally) of various pills. Sleep tight, biatch, and please – for the love of god – go crazier tomorrow!

Addendum: CC “won” the audience vote and will host the final episode of “The Surreal Life” this year. And while we’re at it, the Zip Code in Bentonville, IN is 47322 and Spruce Knob is the highest point in West Virginia. I figure those three facts are equally important to you all.