Since last week’s episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that – Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to “investigate” steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he’s been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I’ll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.
The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day’s emotional shitstorm – you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa’s weave glue… Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day’s ugliness. Even Omarosa said, “I don’t even want to talk about it.” Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she’d talk more about her “I got stabbed seven times” claim, but something tells me we won’t be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC’s Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo’s Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo’s All-Star Reality Reunion… How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.Omarosa grabbed the “Surreal Times” newspaper and announced the day’s activity: Golfing. Weak – but since we knew it was just a ruse to get the Surreal Seven out of the house so they could set up the “Dirty Laundry” set, I forgave the show. So they all got dressed and happily got ready to go golfing. Wait, did I say ‘they all’? Proving himself to be one of the stranger people on the planet, Balki stuck his thumb in his mouth, curled into a fetal position, and nestled himself in bed under a bunch of blankets. Huh? You just KNOW this dude has some even MORE shocking personal revelations than even Janice. While I’m no psychiatrist, I’ve attempted to piece together the childhood of Balki, based on his Surreal Life behavior:
He was born and burdened with the name “Bronson.”
He never once displayed a single character trait shown by Charles Bronson.
He got the crap beat out of him by neighborhood kids as a result.
He got the crap beat out of him by his father as a result of that.
His father made him “do stuff” to his sister to prove his manhood.
He was forced to play golf, and he sucked.
He was forced to accept golf clubs rectally (working himself up to a 5 wood).
Hearing Janice’s incest stories coupled with having to play golf caused complete mental breakdown.
Anyone want to argue with that? Didn’t think so. After he crawled back into bed shouting “No” over and over and rocking back and forth (At least Janice will have a partner at the funny farm after the show), Janice tried to convince him to go by saying, “I’ll be nice to Omarosa if you go. Caprice, please give him oral sex so he’ll go.” Zing! Actually, not so much of a Zing when you remember that 8 hours prior, Janice had just bared her black soul about how her father forced her to do that very act in exchange for her to alter her behavior in some way. So, y’know, that’s not really funny, Janice. In fact, I feel imaginary scabies now crawling under my skin. Ugh, this show is that disturbing.
Caprice tried to nicely explain to Balki that he should probably join the gang, as it was a lovely day outside and Christ, they were just going to play a little golf. No dice… he just continued to turtle up beneath the covers and cry out. It was all very Exorcist-ish, except Linda Blair had nicer hair. And in this version, Satan was a tall skinny black Apprentice failure. Fed up with his creepy immaturity, Caprice finally yelled at him, “Get up now! Get up now, no more of this childish bullshit!” Balki only coughed and fought her efforts to remove the sheet. “You are a grown man now get up and stop being two years old!” My god, what was I watching? After some more coughing and infantilism (I’ll bet that’s a fetish Balki is totally into), Caprice finally got him to abandon his tantrum and join the gang in the van. Sigh.
I suppose I should have been happy that the show found some non-Omarosa/Janice footage for this week, as I was pretty sick of them. Unfortunately, this lasted all of 3 minutes as once they reached the golf course, Janice was up to her old tricks. While the club’s pro was explaining the finer points of club selection, Janice blurted out, “Where’s my cart?!” The club pro, appearing to be more than a little scared, simply pointed the way and off Janice went. Not a minute later, Janice came barreling through the group, nearly hitting the poor golf pro lady. Then she crashed into Balki’s cart. Then she grabbed her desiccated crotch. Then she bent over like a bitch in heat, exposing her used-up nether regions. Yes, a mere week after garnering some sympathy from your intrepid recapper, Janice flushed it all down the toilet by acting like the attention-whoring, crack-smoking, vodka-slamming, insane skank we’ve all come to know though this show. As Omarosa said last week, “I feel bad for her children.”
Carey Hart (yup, he’s still here) politely noted, “Janice is going a million miles a minute!” Translation: “Janice snorted some extra blow this morning!” Jose Canseco sighed, “We’re golfing and Janice is losing her mind again.” For the record, Ms. World’s First Supermodel, I hate you for making me agree with Omarosa. You ARE a menace. You ARE disgusting. You ARE a disease. Meanwhile, Janice just sped around the course and threw her golf ball onto the green pretending that she’d hit the ball there. Something everyone who has ever played golf has done, right? Well, further proving her increasing detachment from reality, Janice quipped, “I was driving ahead of everyone throwing my ball onto the green and pretended I hit it there. I found it hilarious – my jokes are really funny!” Later, after shouting “Par this” for no particular reason, she again lamented, “There’s no humor in this cast whatsoever.” Thanks Janice, it’s people like you who kept Becker on the air for so many years. But what do I know? I just write for the funniest fricking blog in the world.
Oh, and creepy pervert Balki ended up enjoying his day with Caprice, simply driving around the course on the golf cart. He even compared his experience to a day at Disneyland. Why do I think that if Balki had the money, he’d have his very own Neverland Ranch? And that his Perfect Strangers character hit pretty close to home – except instead of “sheep herding” he was more familiar with “sheep fornicating.” And… you know what, he just needs help. He doesn’t need me piling on anymore. And it’s gotta be killing him that Mark-Linn Baker is back on a sitcom and he’s not.
Back at the house, the Lifers realized something was afoot. Yay! It was time for the now-traditional season-ending “Dirty Laundry” episode with Sally Jesse Rafael. Great, just the giant red headed needle this group needed to get further under their skins. Strangely, Caprice of all people was the most nervous – so Balki leapt to her aid by giving her yet another massage. No word on whether he begged her (again) to give her his patented “abdominal massage.” But I can confirm that he did accidentally-intentionally brush his elbow against her breast and got a full-on boner as a result. That move ruled in 7th grade. Shout out to all you girls who – unknowingly – let my elbow touch your developing boobies… and thank you.
Omarosa, however, applied her clown makeup, put on her whoring “omarosa dot com” tank top, and affected her faux toughgirl persona. “Let’s do this thing. They don’t call me the top reality show villain for nothing.” Let me take a moment to state my piece on this. Yes, the woman is a shameless and deluded self-promoter. Bully for her. But she is not a “villain” in any sense. She’s just a useless, toothy, ugly, lying, conniving, spoiled, straight-up bitch. Richard Hatch was a villain. Rob and Amber are villains. Evil Dr. Will was a villain. Vampire Don was a villain. (Not really, but I haven’t mentioned Vampire Don for a while, so I thought I would here.) Omarosa just sucks, through and through. She is not clever or witty or interesting in any way. This is my plea to casting directors: DO NOT CAST THIS WENCH IN ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. She’s not “fun to hate,” but rather, “We just hate her and want her to go far, far away.” Sally Jesse introduced her as, “The bitch of reality show bitches,” at which the witch simply smiled. Seriously, what is wrong with her? Or perhaps an easier question would be, “What’s right with her?” Um, she’s in pretty good shape? End of rant.
The theme of this year’s “Dirty Laundry” was that Sally Jesse was going to determine who’s been real and who hasn’t. Because, you know, Sally Jesse has special powers, apparently. Jose was up first and even though his musculature is completely synthetic and fake, Sally determined that he was indeed real. They tried to embarrass him by showing his cross dressing episodes but no one cared about that.
Next was Balki. Of course this dude is real – no one could fake being as creepy as he is. They showed a very long montage of all his perverse, predatory moments from the show. Man, the editors have been hiding some good stuff all along! This dude is truly a disturbed, sexually deviant person. He makes R. Crumb look like Pope John Paul II. Sally asked him, “At your age, shouldn’t you know where ‘the line’ is?” At that, Balki slid his smelly fingers through his greasy combover and revealed a massive pit-stain to the unsuspecting viewing world. Simply nasty – then again, would you have expected anything different? “Yes, I should,” was his sheepish reply. Before he could get too angry about the montage (though I’d have liked to have heard him out), Janice rose to his defense and called him “the sensitive groper.” At that, it was like a light bulb flashed above Balki’s sweaty head: “Ah! The Sensitive Groper! Finally, the pitch I need to get another crack at a network sitcom! F you Mark Linn-Baker and your stupid “Twins” show! I’ll even get a cool skin-tight unitard with ‘SG’ in a neat-o font on my chest! With holes cut out for my pert, hairy nipples!” Seriously, I could tell he was thinking exactly that.
Sally determined Balki to be real as well. Sally knows all.
Ah, dear Janice was put to the Sally Jesse test next, but not before we got to enjoy her very own greatest hits montage. There she was, mouthing off over there, flashing her cooch over here, falling down drunk there, attacking retarded kids down there… On and on. It pretty much summed her up: a drug-addled mentally ill disgusting plastic trainwreck. What say you, Janice? “I’m a mess. I admit it. I need to do some work but I’m trying.” Awwww, she has a conscience after all, no matter how flawed, infinitesimal, and undeveloped. I was expecting her to jump up off her chair, flip it upside down, and then ride one of the legs like a rodeo cowboy, but she held it together this time. Sally? Sally declared her screwed up, but nevertheless real. All hail Sally.
The show ended with what I can only think the editors thought was a good tease: Sally saying to Omarosa, “You are the biggest bitch on TV,” and Omarosa replying, “That’s correct” with her Mr. Ed smile. But, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how that all turns out. My hope? That Sally says in reply, “You’ve gotten enough airtime already, so I’m going to completely ignore you and explore just what Pepa and Carey Hart are up to in their respective lives.”
We could only be so lucky.
PS. Sally deemed Vampire Don “totally real.” Like we needed her to tell us that.