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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
11:45 pm
36 Comments
Since last week’s episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that – Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to “investigate” steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he’s been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I’ll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.
The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day’s emotional shitstorm – you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa’s weave glue… Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day’s ugliness. Even Omarosa said, “I don’t even want to talk about it.” Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she’d talk more about her “I got stabbed seven times” claim, but something tells me we won’t be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC’s Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo’s Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo’s All-Star Reality Reunion… How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.Omarosa grabbed the “Surreal Times” newspaper and announced the day’s activity: Golfing. Weak – but since we knew it was just a ruse to get the Surreal Seven out of the house so they could set up the “Dirty Laundry” set, I forgave the show. So they all got dressed and happily got ready to go golfing. Wait, did I say ‘they all’? Proving himself to be one of the stranger people on the planet, Balki stuck his thumb in his mouth, curled into a fetal position, and nestled himself in bed under a bunch of blankets. Huh? You just KNOW this dude has some even MORE shocking personal revelations than even Janice. While I’m no psychiatrist, I’ve attempted to piece together the childhood of Balki, based on his Surreal Life behavior:
He was born and burdened with the name “Bronson.”
He never once displayed a single character trait shown by Charles Bronson.
He got the crap beat out of him by neighborhood kids as a result.
He got the crap beat out of him by his father as a result of that.
His father made him “do stuff” to his sister to prove his manhood.
He was forced to play golf, and he sucked.
He was forced to accept golf clubs rectally (working himself up to a 5 wood).
Hearing Janice’s incest stories coupled with having to play golf caused complete mental breakdown.
Anyone want to argue with that? Didn’t think so. After he crawled back into bed shouting “No” over and over and rocking back and forth (At least Janice will have a partner at the funny farm after the show), Janice tried to convince him to go by saying, “I’ll be nice to Omarosa if you go. Caprice, please give him oral sex so he’ll go.” Zing! Actually, not so much of a Zing when you remember that 8 hours prior, Janice had just bared her black soul about how her father forced her to do that very act in exchange for her to alter her behavior in some way. So, y’know, that’s not really funny, Janice. In fact, I feel imaginary scabies now crawling under my skin. Ugh, this show is that disturbing.
Caprice tried to nicely explain to Balki that he should probably join the gang, as it was a lovely day outside and Christ, they were just going to play a little golf. No dice… he just continued to turtle up beneath the covers and cry out. It was all very Exorcist-ish, except Linda Blair had nicer hair. And in this version, Satan was a tall skinny black Apprentice failure. Fed up with his creepy immaturity, Caprice finally yelled at him, “Get up now! Get up now, no more of this childish bullshit!” Balki only coughed and fought her efforts to remove the sheet. “You are a grown man now get up and stop being two years old!” My god, what was I watching? After some more coughing and infantilism (I’ll bet that’s a fetish Balki is totally into), Caprice finally got him to abandon his tantrum and join the gang in the van. Sigh.
I suppose I should have been happy that the show found some non-Omarosa/Janice footage for this week, as I was pretty sick of them. Unfortunately, this lasted all of 3 minutes as once they reached the golf course, Janice was up to her old tricks. While the club’s pro was explaining the finer points of club selection, Janice blurted out, “Where’s my cart?!” The club pro, appearing to be more than a little scared, simply pointed the way and off Janice went. Not a minute later, Janice came barreling through the group, nearly hitting the poor golf pro lady. Then she crashed into Balki’s cart. Then she grabbed her desiccated crotch. Then she bent over like a bitch in heat, exposing her used-up nether regions. Yes, a mere week after garnering some sympathy from your intrepid recapper, Janice flushed it all down the toilet by acting like the attention-whoring, crack-smoking, vodka-slamming, insane skank we’ve all come to know though this show. As Omarosa said last week, “I feel bad for her children.”
Carey Hart (yup, he’s still here) politely noted, “Janice is going a million miles a minute!” Translation: “Janice snorted some extra blow this morning!” Jose Canseco sighed, “We’re golfing and Janice is losing her mind again.” For the record, Ms. World’s First Supermodel, I hate you for making me agree with Omarosa. You ARE a menace. You ARE disgusting. You ARE a disease. Meanwhile, Janice just sped around the course and threw her golf ball onto the green pretending that she’d hit the ball there. Something everyone who has ever played golf has done, right? Well, further proving her increasing detachment from reality, Janice quipped, “I was driving ahead of everyone throwing my ball onto the green and pretended I hit it there. I found it hilarious – my jokes are really funny!” Later, after shouting “Par this” for no particular reason, she again lamented, “There’s no humor in this cast whatsoever.” Thanks Janice, it’s people like you who kept Becker on the air for so many years. But what do I know? I just write for the funniest fricking blog in the world.
Oh, and creepy pervert Balki ended up enjoying his day with Caprice, simply driving around the course on the golf cart. He even compared his experience to a day at Disneyland. Why do I think that if Balki had the money, he’d have his very own Neverland Ranch? And that his Perfect Strangers character hit pretty close to home – except instead of “sheep herding” he was more familiar with “sheep fornicating.” And… you know what, he just needs help. He doesn’t need me piling on anymore. And it’s gotta be killing him that Mark-Linn Baker is back on a sitcom and he’s not.
Back at the house, the Lifers realized something was afoot. Yay! It was time for the now-traditional season-ending “Dirty Laundry” episode with Sally Jesse Rafael. Great, just the giant red headed needle this group needed to get further under their skins. Strangely, Caprice of all people was the most nervous – so Balki leapt to her aid by giving her yet another massage. No word on whether he begged her (again) to give her his patented “abdominal massage.” But I can confirm that he did accidentally-intentionally brush his elbow against her breast and got a full-on boner as a result. That move ruled in 7th grade. Shout out to all you girls who – unknowingly – let my elbow touch your developing boobies… and thank you.
Omarosa, however, applied her clown makeup, put on her whoring “omarosa dot com” tank top, and affected her faux toughgirl persona. “Let’s do this thing. They don’t call me the top reality show villain for nothing.” Let me take a moment to state my piece on this. Yes, the woman is a shameless and deluded self-promoter. Bully for her. But she is not a “villain” in any sense. She’s just a useless, toothy, ugly, lying, conniving, spoiled, straight-up bitch. Richard Hatch was a villain. Rob and Amber are villains. Evil Dr. Will was a villain. Vampire Don was a villain. (Not really, but I haven’t mentioned Vampire Don for a while, so I thought I would here.) Omarosa just sucks, through and through. She is not clever or witty or interesting in any way. This is my plea to casting directors: DO NOT CAST THIS WENCH IN ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. She’s not “fun to hate,” but rather, “We just hate her and want her to go far, far away.” Sally Jesse introduced her as, “The bitch of reality show bitches,” at which the witch simply smiled. Seriously, what is wrong with her? Or perhaps an easier question would be, “What’s right with her?” Um, she’s in pretty good shape? End of rant.
The theme of this year’s “Dirty Laundry” was that Sally Jesse was going to determine who’s been real and who hasn’t. Because, you know, Sally Jesse has special powers, apparently. Jose was up first and even though his musculature is completely synthetic and fake, Sally determined that he was indeed real. They tried to embarrass him by showing his cross dressing episodes but no one cared about that.
Next was Balki. Of course this dude is real – no one could fake being as creepy as he is. They showed a very long montage of all his perverse, predatory moments from the show. Man, the editors have been hiding some good stuff all along! This dude is truly a disturbed, sexually deviant person. He makes R. Crumb look like Pope John Paul II. Sally asked him, “At your age, shouldn’t you know where ‘the line’ is?” At that, Balki slid his smelly fingers through his greasy combover and revealed a massive pit-stain to the unsuspecting viewing world. Simply nasty – then again, would you have expected anything different? “Yes, I should,” was his sheepish reply. Before he could get too angry about the montage (though I’d have liked to have heard him out), Janice rose to his defense and called him “the sensitive groper.” At that, it was like a light bulb flashed above Balki’s sweaty head: “Ah! The Sensitive Groper! Finally, the pitch I need to get another crack at a network sitcom! F you Mark Linn-Baker and your stupid “Twins” show! I’ll even get a cool skin-tight unitard with ‘SG’ in a neat-o font on my chest! With holes cut out for my pert, hairy nipples!” Seriously, I could tell he was thinking exactly that.
Sally determined Balki to be real as well. Sally knows all.
Ah, dear Janice was put to the Sally Jesse test next, but not before we got to enjoy her very own greatest hits montage. There she was, mouthing off over there, flashing her cooch over here, falling down drunk there, attacking retarded kids down there… On and on. It pretty much summed her up: a drug-addled mentally ill disgusting plastic trainwreck. What say you, Janice? “I’m a mess. I admit it. I need to do some work but I’m trying.” Awwww, she has a conscience after all, no matter how flawed, infinitesimal, and undeveloped. I was expecting her to jump up off her chair, flip it upside down, and then ride one of the legs like a rodeo cowboy, but she held it together this time. Sally? Sally declared her screwed up, but nevertheless real. All hail Sally.
The show ended with what I can only think the editors thought was a good tease: Sally saying to Omarosa, “You are the biggest bitch on TV,” and Omarosa replying, “That’s correct” with her Mr. Ed smile. But, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how that all turns out. My hope? That Sally says in reply, “You’ve gotten enough airtime already, so I’m going to completely ignore you and explore just what Pepa and Carey Hart are up to in their respective lives.”
We could only be so lucky.
PS. Sally deemed Vampire Don “totally real.” Like we needed her to tell us that.
TV Social
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36 Comments
I can only assume that’s Janice bent over in the pic(next to the golf cart pic), and went commando?
Where exactly are these alleged stabwounds? Omarosa shows a lot of skin right down to bikinis. I’d think they were noticeable.
Thankyou for making the statement “How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen.” This evil, horsed-faced ugly horrible excuse for a human being needs to suffer the consequences of her shittiness. EWWW I HATE HER!!!!
thank you sg-dub for the hilarious recap, the mental image of janice riding her chair over to sally was great! Poor brosnan…does this show come with psy. services afterwards? it should
I knew you guys were going to post a picture of Balki’s sweat pit!! hahahahaha I’m still laughing at that pathetic douche.
No one appreaciates a Vampire Don shout out more than me. He lives in our hearts forever.
I like how Janice can go from declaring that shes a “PTA mom” and joking about her banging a truck driver is rude, and then 5 minutes later she downs 5 lines of coke and starts shoving her dusty clit in everyones faces.
..7 stab wounds, further proving that the 8th one’s the charm.
Thank you for another great recap!!!! I just love this site…not that you guys don’t hear that a million times a day.
Just curious though, did I miss something? Why are Rob and Amber considered “villains”? (I’m not a Survivor fan, but I watched part of their wedding w/my mom, so I don’t know much other than my mom likes them)
I’m with you Christy, I dont see them as villains. They get a bad rap because they were the first AR team to use slowing down other teams as a strategy. Big whoop. CBS cheated and gave it to chip anyway.
And Vampire Don isnt a villain, he is a prophet of darkness.
ok who is Vampire Don?
How are these people always so surprised when the Sally episode comes on?! It happens every season!
I’m disturbed I’m still watching this show. I mean, *you* have to because you have to write about it, but what is my excuse?
Really, it bothers me that I can’t leave it alone. It must be TIVO’s fault. Yeah, that TIVO. Controlling bitch. Grabbing this show and forcing me to watch it against my will.
Damn TIVO. Damn it, I say.
WHo is vampire Don? Only the most unintentionally hilarious reality show character in history. From the little seen, but freaking awesome, reality show Mad Mad House on the Sci-Fi channel. If anyone has the FOX Reality channel, they are planning on reairing it. I would sell my left nut for a Mad Mad House 2. And thats my GOOD nut.
Can we talk about how horrible Omarosa’s hair is? It’s weighed down on top with too much product and then poofs out, giving her an interesting pyramid shape to compliment to her horse teeth.
I feel that I have a case of cooties just from watching Janice show her ass on this show…….
I think the real shocker this season is how deep-seated Balky’s mental illness apparently is. The guy is creepy, and we only saw the tip of the iceberg. Janice is whacked and clearly needs a long inpatient treatment stay. Omarosa is the Anti Christ. Guess what horse face- we are tired of watching you. We don’t love to hate you, we just hate you. Go away. Forever.
Has Surreal Life jumped the shark?
runswith –
You simply must learn the power of Vampire Don. In fact, come to think of it, he should be in the next Surreal Life cast. (The witch lady from Mad, Mad House is in the latest Playboy, btw.)
Balky is Creepy –
Speaking of the next cast and Jumping the Shark… you tell me. The next season cast revealed:
The housemates will include Sherman Helmsley, aka George Jefferson of “The Jeffersons;” Smashmouth singer Steve Harwell; Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille; 1980s Whitesnake video vixen Tawny Kitaen; Playboy TV’s Andrea Lowell; and actress Alexis Arquette. Florence Henderson, the matriarch of “The Brady Bunch” joins the show as an “on-call therapist/adviser,” VH1 announced. The cast will also get to choose a seventh member from a group of “reality hunks,”
Speaking of weird mental problems on tv, that breaking bonaduche is weirdly compelling. i watched a whole episode with my remote in hand on the verge of changing the channel. but i couldn’t do it.
Sally Jesse Raphael
———————-
Omarosa, Janice, Balki, clearly some of the sickest, most pathetic “celebrities” imaginable but what about Sally Jesse Raphael? She used to have her own show up there with Oprah, Riki Lake, and Dr. Phil. Now she’ll come to your house, set up a couple of folding chairs in your living room, brings in an “audience” and conducts a special home version of her show just for you.
Is this pathetic or what? Is she availble for Bar Mitzvahs and children’s birthday partys?
seriously, rob/amber are as evil and morally corrupt as a republican congressman from texas!
i actually found janice screaming at the housemates “FORE THIS!” whilst on the golf course to be mildly hilarious.
Does anyone else here miss Sally’s blonde “Dorothy Hamill” hairdo, as much as I do? As far as the Janice vs. Omarosa thing goes, at least Janice (as awful as she is) has a heart. The other thing is just a waste of space. If Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth thinks she is so classy and wonderful, what the hell is she doing whoring herself on reality tv for? Shouldnt she be hosting some socialite event, or running a big company?
Bonadouche…LOL
Why didn’t Omarosa go at it with Sally Jesse Rafael,it would have given her cred. Unfortunately, you guys are right. Omarosa is just useless..a product of corporate culture where no one actually does anything except blame the other person. I’m waiting for physical violence..
Did anyone notice teeth marks on Caprice’s left shoulder??? They were very clear. I hope she and the perv. Bronson….noooo, oh please…no!
This was the sickest bunch of wierdos the show has had ( except for Pepa, Caprice,and Cary). I hated the rest!
Did anyone notice teeth marks on Caprice’s left shoulder??? They were very clear. I hope she and the perv. Bronson….noooo, oh please…no!
This was the sickest bunch of wierdos the show has had ( except for Pepa, Caprice,and Cary). I hated the rest!
RE:”I feel that I have a case of cooties just from watching Janice show her ass on this show…….
Posted by: judy”
You just can tell Janice’s snatch is rank a’la Alex (see Laguna Beach). Her bikini waxer must have to go in there with SWAT team precautions.
your recaps are hilarious I check in with you perioidcally for more keep em coming
Its so funny that all of you are so quick to jump on Omarosa for being a quote on quotebitch, when there are alot more extremely annoying, more evil bitchier people. Like Janice Dickinson. I had to stop watching this show because I couldn’t stand tolisten to her open her fake, plastic mouth. All she does is throw fits until Pepa kisses her ass and tell’s her how fabulous and famous she is, make fun of retarted people, try to turn Balki on, then scream rape when he comes at her, flirt with the jock, and flash her pasty, nast saggy, wrinkly, bony silicon body all over the place. She’s an eveil, self-centered, self righteous bitch with no life an no career. But you all keep kissing her ass, and you soooooooooooo happy to hate Omarosa because she is actually black. If she was light or your white-girl defenition of “pretty” you wouldn’t have a problem. She is a strong black woman who’s not going to take any shit off of any body, not going to let and body get in her way becaus etheir lighter than her, and she is beautiful You all can cry and claim its not true, but you know Donald Trump was never going to let a black person win the apprentice, much less a BLACK WOMAN.
CA really pissed off:
Omarosa has lied and stirred the racist pot herself. She is no better than a “white” racist…Donald Trump is not going to hire someone interested in “celebrity”, which is what Omarosa is all about…pretty, ugly don’t matter!!!! You sound like you are “kissing her ass” if you want to hear the truth. I’ll give you, she is strong, as in: overbearing, obnoxious, untrustworthy, fake, calculating, manipulating…and she fools you!
How could you all take Janice side. It is clear that she didn’t know how to defend herself in a bitch to bitch fight. If you throw a low blow don’t expect the other person to play nice. Her old wrinkle psychotic ass needed to be brought down to earth. Always saying” I was the first Supermodel” Who gives a damn. You are a walking toothpick, looking like a slinky on bones. Much love to Omarosa. Stay sexy.
I’m not surprised Omarosa’s been stabbed numerous times before – her mouth will be the death of her….
I think that Janice must have been on crack (or the likes) because her behavior is outragious. I do wonder How embarassed her kids must be to watch her. She is scrawny and just horrible to look at. I am white and very embarassed by her behavior. Thank God for Caprice. Omarosa is definitely the she-devil. I do love to hate her.
Oma-Grossa is a horse faced, hideous, pig. Someone needs to tell to wear long pants and cover up her nasty legs. I wanted to puke looking at all the cellulite on her legs when she was wearing shorts on one of the episodes a few weeks ago.
Janice had me laughing so hard I was nearly pissing in my pants when she called Grossa “Mr. Ed on crack” … that IS exactly what she looks like; Mr. Ed. She is so hideous – both inside and out.
She says “her fans like it when she’s nasty”. First off WHAT fans? Imaginary fans in her head? Second off … by nasty, I guess that would mean nasty looking.
Oma-Grossa: your 15 mintues are long up. It’s time to just go away. You are talentless otherwise, and of no use. “Unscripted Drama” – Give me a break phony, lying horse face.
You tortured poor Janice – who, despite her obvious emotional issues and instablity, DOES have fans AND is someone who, after many years of long, hard work in the modeling idustry has desevered the title of a “celebrity”. You, on the other had, are not a celebrity — you’re nothing but a reality show wanna-be. She, and people like her, were around long before you, and will be around long after you’re gone — so now, please just beat it. No one can stand you.
If you ever actually did have these “fans” you speak of, you have lost them after the Surreal Life. Janice is the real-life kind of “bitch”, “villian” that the public likes; not your phony, lying, poser ass.
I find it hard to believe that a publisher would want to publish some bs book of yours. If that were even remotely true, I’m sure they are re-thinking that now – it will sit on the shelves, never sell a copy, and be a huge financial drain!
When Janice first came on the scene she was insulting people left and right. SHE started the fight with Omarosa. She made fun of everyone in the house while looking down her nose. All she talked about was how great she was and how bad everyone else was. She dished it out and she should have been able to take it. If she is not on crack she should not have gotten so upset. Words cannot hurt unless they are true.
To C.A. (really pissed off)
I have to agree with you that most of these people are hating on Omarosa for the facts that you stated. However, I’m a very beautiful and educated BLACK woman. And the way this pseudo diva, educator, reality tv-villain is and has conducted herself is a shame. Contrary to what you think she is not beautiful by any cultures standards, whether that’s inside or out. She thinks that she’s smart but she’s superficial and borderline dumb. The only reason Trump casted her in the first place was to let America laugh at African-American women. And to say, see this is all they have to offer. I’m a product of two historically black colleges and universities (Bachelors and Masters) and she’s bringing back a stereotype that we are incompetent, which is so untrue. But you have been blinded by her ugly horse teeth, clown make-up, false so-called proper talk, and dark-skinned down-to-earth-diva who doesn’t take any shit facade. Another thing, missy, I happened to be a beautiful light-complected black woman. But you seem to have a complex about color.
Wake up!!!!!!!!
Omarosa said what we were all thinking. Janice started with her by calling her a “whore” at the bowling alley (in addition to calling retarded people all kinds of names) and at the last dinner started with the Botox and knife jokes. I don’t blame Omarosa. Janice uses the pedophile excuse when all else fails and as an excuse for her consistently wretched behavior. Interestingly though, despite Omarosa’s upbringing (it wasn’t roses even though she definitely exaggerates it) there are no excuses for her? Hmmm…do you wonder why? I don’t. Black women get a harder time. Always. Look deeply inside of yourselves, if you are capable (and I suspect most of you are not) and ask yourselves why you hate an educated woman with a take-no-sh*t flair and love a clearly drug addled pervert with no filter on her mouth and is allowed to be nasty because she took pretty, white pictures in her youth.
You all have a lot of evolution to do–so called “liberals”
And yes, if you are wondering. I am white.